Taking a hard line...

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Ok, I now think I can approach this thread from a more objective angle. Thanks to all for the replies.

If my initial reaction was too much, then I will apologize to him. I always do.

But one more thing and I will shut up about it....

I don't know how many of you parents have had to deal with the police due to misunderstandings such as this, but we have. We endured police questioning and 6 months of a social service investigation because he was accused by a parent volunteer at his former school of sexually molesting his sister (he didn't). He was just running his mouth about stuff he didn't understand, but heard other kids say on the playground. It blew up - everything was taken to an extreme. Forget about me sending him to a facility, they threatened to remove one or both of my kids from the home depending on how the investigation panned out.

This changed my wife and me. We no longer trust our government to do the right or sane thing. We met roadblock after roadblock in resolving this issue - all the way up to contacting our state representatives. Aside from a form letter stating thanks for contacting us, try someone else, we were alone and powerless in solving our problem. We had to submit to the system.

I live in the US. We currently have more people in prison than Stalin had in Gulags. How many of those prisoners are on the spectrum? My research suggests a lot. The odds of my son getting jail time or at least a record for a misunderstanding seems rather high as well.

So if I overreacted, it was from a place of sheer terror.

Part of me wants to share this post and discussion with him because we have always had open communication with one another. He tells me the best and worst of what's going on. And I believe I am level headed about it. But maybe him reading this will help him to see that yes his behavior impacts a lot of people. But maybe he'll also see that we were thinking about the outside living not because we hate him, but we love him and want to protect him from something far worse.

We don't have all the answers. That's why I'm here. But I do know one thing, him being incarcerated is not the answer.

Thoughts on me sharing this with him?

I think you should definitely share your concerns with him. He should be aware of the laws that relate to his actions. Also, laws are fairly concrete and easier for an aspie to understand than emotional reactions. "You must not do X because it's illegal and you'll go to jail" makes more sense than "You must not do X because it's horrible and disgusting".

Thoughts on sharing posts ... for me, that has never been comfortable, although if my son chooses to read over my shoulder I feel I have to let him. I do reference these discussions when I talk about issues with him, letting him know what other parents have said and what I'm thinking, and then use that as a jumping off point for some of our discussion. Since it is all public, he certainly could find any thread he wishes to. As is typical with AS kids, my son needs to know all the facts, options and concerns and he needs it laid out in detail so he can decide for himself what information he wants to buy into. I spend a lot of time building my cases; I could probably be a stellar trail attorney now with all that experience

Because of your prior experience with the law, I would hope your son understands the "outside world" threat more deeply than many ASD kids. I've talked about it all to my son, but I'm never sure how real he feels it is. He does know that I've long worried about actions he takes innocently being misinterpreted as criminal by society, and he does listen to my advice about avoiding those misunderstandings, but does he feel how real that danger is? I don't know. Would that be a deterrent from him willfully doing something minor that he wanted to do in the moment? Maybe not - in that situation, he'd think that being caught and having a real world legal consequence was fair game, even if it was out of proportion with the actual action. All of this is a huge area of fear for all of us, obviously. Or should be, if it is not. But while getting it through to our kids is essential, we also have to be careful how much we let it drive our choices. We can't and should not try to protect our kids from everything.

So, yeah, I don't know what to tell you. Talk, talk and talk. Get through to him how much he does not understand, and serious the consequences for that can be at his age. Suggest he create some version of a black and white rule for himself in this area, perhaps to simply stay away from everything to do with nudity, dating, or gender relations.

Gosh, being a parent is like a mine-field. I've got a nearly 16 year old son, so these questions hit home. And I've got a 12 year old daughter, so the recent Cleveland news has struck me at the core, too. But we've got to deal. It's our job.

I totally get this - like I said, we were in a similar situation where, but for the fact that the parent on the receiving end was a reasonable human being, police could easily have become involved.

I'm not sure if sharing the post will help or not (truthfully, my own son would be horrified if he knew what I write here - and I hate that, but I need the help I get here,) but making sure your son connects the dots between behaviors, choices and consequences is really, really important, especially on issues where police might get involved. (Again, I recommend A Five Is Against The Law as a good place to start the conversation.)

You are right in that sometimes, the way police treat people on the spectrum or other disabilities can be horrifying. I am grateful that we live in a place where our autism service center does trainings with our police and fire department, so I can attest that not all police departments are bad - but you do have to work with what you've got. I think you're totally right to teach your son that this is a potential consequence for certain behaviors (and even certain misunderstandings.)

The other thing that scares the crap out of me is the "friend" thing. With my son - an NT kid got him to send the texts. He still blames himself. The other kid threw him under the bus (for our more literal readers, I mean that figuratively) the instant he was asked about it. We were able to piece together that my son didn't know what was happening by following the texting trail they left, but my son still blames himself and thinks the other kid is a "good friend."

I would take the phone away and not let him online for several weeks. I'd tell him that he has to prove that he's responsible before you let him have it back. I think threatening him with a group home and such is going overboard with it, just like the school is going overboard with it by threatening to kick him out. Common sense is the bottom line here, and in todays world it seems that you are seeing less and less of it.

As for some of the other posts, I'd like to say as a person with AS and a parent, that having AS is not always the reason we do things we shouldn't. It's not a free pass to do things and have them explained away and get a slap on the wrist, if that. He's old enough to know better and because of that he should get a punishment for it, just not too much of one because it's not as bad as the school is making it out to be.

Tell him exactly what you expect out of him and let him know that he won't get privelages back until he gives you what you expect. Remind him that he's going to be 18 in two years and its time to be growing up and acting like it.

I don't disagree with this, OliveOilMom - here's the point I was trying to make:

AS is a social communication disorder. Before we knew my son had AS or what it was or meant, we frequently wound up punishing him for things he didn't understand and it made all of our lives significantly worse.

I can't say definitively if this or any other problem is due to AS, because I'm not there and I don't know the individual person or circumstances - but I think parents have a responsibility to carefully break down situations to ensure there has not been a miscommunication somewhere as a first step, otherwise anything else you do is pretty much futile.

I've experienced too many instances of a problem being caused by massive communication failure instead of my child deciding to do something he knows is wrong (or sometimes, he'll think it is just a little bit annoying and it turns out to be very serious,) and I can see the potential for that in this situation. This also doesn't mean my kid - or anyone else's kid - never does something wrong just for the sake of doing so; it's just that when it is serious, it's my responsibility as parent to take a step back and look at all the possibilities before I decide how to handle it.

Your initial post had me emotional. I'm sitting here at Starbucks with my iPad and in tears. Honestly, I fully understand and like how you handled things. I also like a lot of the feedbacks you've been given. Sociopath? I think that term is extreme. My son (12) often laughs at inappropriate things .. like, if I hurt myself, he'll laugh. When questioned, he basically says the sound or facial expression looked funny. He probably doesn't connect the dots between that and the pain. I wonder if that's why your son thinks the rape image is funny. Not because a girl is being raped but because of her facial expression, body position, etc. He's only an immature 16 year old and does not have a lot of exposure to this sort of thing so it may just look funny to him.. not connecting to the rape itself. Doesn't make him a sociopath.

I, too, have told my son about living options. It's a hard call. For me, it was during a time when my son was being physically aggressive towards me. We are just about the same size. I don't think you threatened to kick him out. You were honest in telling him you are unable to handle a certain level of behaviour. We are parents and even professionals work within a team. We don't always have that day-to-day support so we do the best we can.

Your story really scared me and it makes me thankful that I haven't had to deal with social media since my son does not own a cell phone or has internet access (apart from the public library). I considered in opening a Facebook account so he can stay in contact with his cousins but I can imagine the potential of him doing the same thing with his cousins! (He's not quite there yet, sexually).

So, if anything, thank you for sharing your story. I think, despite your hardships, you are a wonderful dad to your son.

I just want you to know I think that was a very brave statement for you to make here because it is possible it will be unpopular (I haven't read any further yet). I also want you to know that I find it to be remarkably mature and insightful for a 19 year old. I hope my son never makes these kinds of choices, but if he does, I hope he would write something exactly like what you wrote.

If it makes you feel better, I didn't think you overreacted at all. I realize this is probably highly related to the fact that both of my kids would know this was wildly wrong, regardless of their wiring issues. I might feel differently if my child might not understand this. But if your son understands this and disregards it, I think you have every right to feel exactly as you did.

Luckily, it ended up not being as severe as you originally thought. Although I would still be beside myself to know that my kid would even associate himself with a site like the one you mentioned. Even if it was his friend who forwarded it the graphic picture.

I don't think you overreacted.

When I was younger I laughed at inappropriate things too. I did it because I was used to seeing slapstick comedy on tv and even though I didn't think it was funny I knew people were supposed to laugh. So, in my head it became "someone gets hurt or something gets broken = you laugh".

I never have liked slapstick and now that I'm grown I don't pretend to like it anymore. I also don't laugh at things like that in real life anymore, but I know why I used to when I was younger.

Wanted to update everyone about the latest. I am so proud and humbled. Thank you to everyone for your responses. Even though some were painful to read, I think you'll see they did help us all.

The three of us sat down again and I expressed how I was still upset about the situation. Not what he had done, but how we had reacted. He immediately interrupted "Don't feel bad. It's a serious situation and I now know what I did wrong." Wow! But I asked him to clarify what he thought he did wrong. He said "I let my friend forward that photo even though I knew it was wrong." I told him that made me feel so much better he understood his role.

I then brought up the group home and explained that we were sorry - that that it was never intended as a punishment. We were just at a loss for how to get him help for a problem we do not know how to solve. We also want to protect him from another incident with the law. But we did not want to hurt him. He said that it was scary for him and he felt he "sort of understood."

I told him "well, you know me and how I act. Suppose one day you see me go into your room and use the bathroom on your bed?" What would you think? He said "I need a new bed." I said "No, I mean what would you think about me?" He said "maybe you were crazy." I said "exactly. And how would you help me?" He said "I don't know." Again, I said "exactly. That's how your mom and I felt at first. Before we knew the details. And to be perfectly clear, we are not considering you moving to another place. It is not an option. So I don't want you to even think about it anymore."

He went on to say "I just want you and mom to know I didn't like the picture or think it was funny. But my friend was laughing so hard I thought I was wrong and that others would probably think it was funny. Now that I see what the picture meant, I see why you took my phone and Internet. I don't like the punishment. But it's fair." Again, wow!

Honestly, at that point I was so proud, I wanted to hand him his phone back on the spot. But we told him we were proud of him for being able to see that. And that while we can't give him an iPhone for the duration of the school year (1 month) due to my commitment to the principal, we'll let him use a flip phone and then look into a different phone after school is out.

This is an amazing story, your whole family should be incredibly proud: Thank you so much for sharing that with all of us!

I think it can often be even worse for a Mom to deal with an Aspergers boy. It is in our case. It is almost like a deep down disrespect that comes up when he gets mad. Same thing with his female teachers. I do not know where this comes from. We have a calm loving home life - wife and have a bad arguement maybe once every 2 years and it is never yelling or disrespectful toward one another.

However, I've seen our son look at my wife sometimes with such rage (almost hatred) I was prepared to jump on him if he made a violent move. He is allowed to get mad all he wants, he is not allowed to assault anyone. But the fact that he respects or fears(?) me is why I do most of the talking.



Wow, thank you!

You're welcome.

I don't know if I agree with you though. I do most of the talking at home, myself. There is a certain level of fear my son has towards me too. If you're doing most of the talking, it could be why your son doesn't respect your wife as much. Maybe she needs to step it up a bit?

That's an awesome follow-up post. Thanks for letting us know how it ended. I think the fact that your son is able to verbalize that he didn't think it was funny now that he understands what it meant is extremely important here. I believe he will be less likely to repeat the same mistake again because he understands the underlying "why."

I have not posted on this thread before b/c my son is young and we do not have these problems (yet) and I have not had anything constructive to add. I am so glad that your son has figured out what was wrong. That is really huge. I hope my son is as capable, when he is your son's age.