Heart Breaking Tonight for Son

Post Reply New Topic

first time post, but this may help you ALOT!
there is an internet school that I have MY son in, (many of the exact same issues, just diagnosed AS) that is wonderful.
Its called Eagle christian academy (eaglechristian.org). Its a fully accredited online school. you transfer his transcripts to this school just ike any other and the credits are fully recognized, period.
Barry Sarrat is the principal, WONDERFUL guy, very helpful.
If you want to talk abuot it,
PM me.
i'll give you my # and we can talk....
Glenn

Seems a bit aggressively Christian to me.

Thanks again for all the advice and help.

My husband has taken the morning off work to go talk to the principle / V. Principle. (Unannounced) I hope they are available. He is an NT (although I swear his whole family has some Autistic traits) and just much better at remaining cool in these sorts of situations.

I don't think an online correspondance would work for my son, right now. He is just so all over grade wise and needs a number of accomidations right now, although getting the right computer and software will help a lot with that.

Please don't take my not jumping the gun to get him OUT OUT OUT as a lack of urgancy or not caring. I am all over this like a wet blanket! I have always maintained that if a child is getting nothing but abuse in a school, I would never force him to go. Right now, my son really wants to go, dispite the problems, because he likes many of his courses (art, social studies, science) and he is for the first time, starting to believe that he CAN be successful with acedemics. Again, children don't always make the best decisions for their mental health, and sometimes need to be removed from situations DISPITE their wanting to stay. However, I worry that taking him out will do long lasting damage to his beliefs that he can succeed.

It is alway hard to fully know a situation and all its complexities online. Ultimately, it would be best if we can turn this to at least a neutral place for him to be, rather then a hostile one. I won't send him back until after we have met with the school and the police and feel that some progress has been made. With our next doctors appointment, if we get the Asperger (or PDD non specific) label, that will open up a lot of doors too to special education. I am beginning to think that maybe he needs an Asperger class. (I know the board has them). If this is not possible, I am going to see if perhaps there is another school or program I can put him in next September. (maybe alternative ed). Again though, I have to be careful, they are already looking for every excuse not to allow him to catch up, and just pass him through the system. They suggested a trade highschool at our last meeting. (over my dead body). Sometimes Special Ed is not a good place to be. Either it limits your options acedemically, or you are thrown into a pit of behavior cases. He would not survive the later...

Ugh. I'll keep posting as this progresses.

It does seem foreign to me learning that way, but he went from 40's to 80's and 90's. It provides the un interuppted focus he needs, without all the social struggles. They have built in accomodations such as they build his courses based on what he needs now to graduate whatever grade he is in. Also it provides him the ability to breeze what he knows and spend the extra time where he's having problems etc. worked wonders for mine.


Just fyi--- keep it in the back of your mind.

My husband came back from the school. Apparently the principle and V. Principle are gone for the next two days at "meetings". He just gave the secretary a look that said "get someone here now" and surely enough, in 2 minutes the acting principle (my worst nemisis) appeared. If it was me, I would have turned into a blubbering pile of mush hearing the principles where not in, and left crying. Luckally he is not me.

She listened to his concerns, which stated my son was physically suffering from the bullying, and we needed to put a plan together to get it to stop NOW, as the situation was intollerable. She tried to weasle her way out of it saying that they where "not aware" that he was having difficulties. He stone walled that arguement stating that he has tried a number of times to get help, and is shut down before he is listened too. Once by the recess lady who would not even do anything about his being spat on, told him to go away. Then, his teacher noticing how distruaght he was, took him out of the class and called me. She is aware. Again, the new kid in class is hurling insults at him 1/2 a day into his first day IN CLASS! He was called a criminal when he tried to report abuse in the washroom. And, we have mentioned it at IEP meetings, and Odin has been told when he complains about people "Ok, I'll talk to them again, but I doubt it will do anything". She was put in her place, and is going to make his a high priority situation. She agreed he should not return until it is resolved. I am strongly leaning towards keeping him out to the 18th.

I'll keep the school in mind. The problem is, my son is really really behind because for years he did not see the "point" in learning anything acedemic. He also struggles sevearly with reading and writting. He reads at about a grade 5 level right now (12 years old) writing is about a grade 2. The alphabet and phonetic code just seems to elude him.

He is around a grade 4 math level right now. This has been a huge progress area for him, as it typically was his worst area. He seems to understand math concepts, and is learning his multiplication quickly, he adds and subtracts thanks to this year better then me. (and my math is pretty strong). He struggles with place value, and patterning. Also, verbally communicating math concepts is like pulling teeth.

I just want him to be able to go to school and be left alone. If that can't happen, of course I will keep him out. But I hope that with making the school realize we cannot be placated on the bullying, they will act accordingly. He is ok with being a loner, he is not ok with being the punching bag.

Every school knows who Fat Alice or Ugly Tony is. I can't belive she had the nerve to deny it!

I think if they keep dragging their feet, you should threaten a lawsuit against the school district, the principles, the teachers involved, and the parents of the children who are bullying him. Say you will start filing police reports if he is physically or verbally assaulted again. (Or have your husband tell them.)

ITA! your story breaks my heart as I have seen my own 12 y/o go through bullying however never to that extent. You need to stand up to the school even if it means going to your local newpaper and so on. You also have to teach you son to stick up for himself. My son is a good kid but I got tired of it all and I told him that he has to stand up for himself or things will not change.

I am also going to give you some advice. I have taken alot on myself with regards to therapys and teaching him how to fit in. I don't have him pulled out for psyche anymore he gets that out of school. He has regular P.E. and adapted at lunch recess. I have taken on alot (I work full time and have 2 younger boys 5 and under) all so that he does not stick out like a sore thumb. He is also in gifted classes after a hard fight with the school because they wanted to give him a gifted curriculum in "special Ed" unfortunately the world does not adapt to children like ours or adults for that matter and we have to help them "fit in" without losing their own identity. It is hard but it can be done. I am seeing it little by little day by day.

If the school's going to be like that then withdraw him from it

Again, thanks for the advice.

I will escalate this, be sure of that. However I feel that I have to work through the proper channels first. The first step is the school, putting our foot down saying "this stops now". Also, I have called into the police bullying / school liason team, so hopefully that will start to document things, and make the school realize how High Profile it is. If I don't get the action I need, I will escalate to the school board, and then to the ministry of education if I have to. But if I jump a step, I'll just be sent back down. Believe me, I have tried in the past! Gotta cover all my bases first. My husband said he hit a nerve with the lady (witch?) he talked to, by mentioning certain key words that she knows will lead to big trouble for them if they don't get things in control.

I can't stand how they expect him to adapt to changes and new routines. It is like the Voice Recorder. One moment, he is given it, being told this a new "tool" for him to use, to record things so he does not forget, and verbally do assignments with. Then, they take it away, only 2 days later, because he is taking it out to recess, placing it on his desk, and recording abuse (in there minds, being a voyeur). Why would you expect a child with Asperger's to just "know" how to appropreately use it? When to take it out, when to use it? Why is this an all or nothing? Look, lets give him a tool to use as a "feel good" decision, everyone walked away "feeling" like they where accomidating him. Only to take it away 2 days later? That shows me again, they really are not interested in his being accomidated. I remember back in January, it was really warm, so at lunch he went back into drop off his coat with out asking the recess gaurd. he did not know he had to! She spotted his coat was missing, and found out what he did. She told him he had to stay "on the wall" the rest of the day. The following break, he went to the bathroom, because he "had to go". He was accused of "ducking" and ordered to spend the next two days "on the wall". The next day, was D day. We went to the doctor, and he was told he had Asperger's. So, he stayed home that afernoon, coming to terms with it, asking questions like "will I ever have a job, or can I have a family?" After a tear filled weekend, and communication with the school, he returns, and to my horror, is "assigned to the wall again!" As he "has not done his time". I exploded in a letter to his teacher, saying $$%$%^^%^ $#$#$# %$%%! (maybe a little more eloquently) 1.) He did not know what he did was wrong, the punishment seems over the top. 2.) this happened nearly a week ago, is it really nessisary to keep this going? 3.) He has ENOUGH to deal with, leave him alone. 4.) As we are learning, he probably has Asperger's, this explains WHY he did not understand what he did in the first place was wrong! As he is very slow to pick up on social cues "like all the other kids ask permission to go inside... maybe I need to too!".

Sigh. My husband says this is just a distraction though to the real issue. We need to first deal with the bullying. Then, deal with the accomidations. Also, we have to continue dealing with the acedemics. I feel so overwhelmed! Trust me, I want to just snatch him and never let him go back. However, long term, knowing what the situation between him and me devolves to long term, I don't think that is best. This is a hard thing to admit to, and feels like a personal failure, like I have let him down. I think that online, it is very hard to fully convey all the complexities of a situation.

Trust me, managing my son, helping him, it occupies almost every thought and action I have at times, and always remains a full time job!

I hardly think Earthcalling is "complaining". She needs a place to vent her frustrations and talk things through, and I think it is quite clear she is taking action and looking into all possible avenues as the sad situation will allow.
Sadly this is the real world and if only money could drop down from the sky and every struggling parent could move their kid to a better part of town, send him to a private school that has the best accomodations for kids with special needs.
Besides, there are often strict laws that disallow "truancy", kids not being enrolled in school etc (not sure what your local laws are)
But yes, the best thing right now is to pull him out first and explain very clearly the situation; plaster clearly worded documents all over everyone's face if you have to so they know you are actively taking charge of the situation. Make it clear to everyone involved, or who may become potentially involved (social services??) that you are pulling him out and are looking for alternatives BECAUSE he has been given NO options, because the bullying has NOT been dealt with adequately at all and you fear for your son's well being and LIFE.

P.S: I think we have to keep in mind that the suggestions we make for Earthcalling have to be realistic to limited finances.
P.P.S: Earthcalling this may not at all work but since you're Canadian, there is a fellow Canadian who made a documentary called The Boy Inside on the life of her AS son, focusing on his being bullied. Her name is Marianne Kaplan (theboyinside.com). She probably might be getting a lot of responses from aspies and parents of aspies but maybe just maybe it wouldnt hurt to give it a go and email her to ask for advice... with her documentary getting attention and coverage she may be more knowledgable of good suggestions.

Last edited by Aardvark on 29 Mar 2007, 11:01 am, edited 2 times in total.

*The parent asking for help has repeatedly stated she is not looking to permanently remove her son from this school. I think people should respect that. It sounds like a very complicated issue*

Earthcalling, I know you are overwhelmed at this point. I do have a story about my own son not getting the help he needed at a school here in AZ. In any case, temporarily pulling your son out of school accomplishes a couple things.
1)District loses money for missed attendance
2)District may get "dinged" for missed attendance
3)You notify the district that you have gone through the hoops at the school and have an unacceptable situation
4)Your son has a chance to be out of the immediate danger and able to see what is going on.

It's imperative that you have notified the district what has gone on and what you are doing about it. We contacted the district and got poohpoohed and told that they weren't in the business of relocating my son to a more appropriate school, at the same time not ensuring that his current school would follow through with the district recommendations. I pulled him out and told them we would not return him to that school, as long as there wasn't any accountability. Within weeks the paperwork was started to transfer him to a school with an autism clinic, in which is now able to attend a regular class fulltime, no significant problems at all.
The previous school did permanent damage to my son and I'm still angry about it. But we are in a situation now that is restoring his curiosity about other kids and teachers.
In my son's case, they lost a crapload of money because of missed attendance and he's on the rolls of special ed. And we made sure they knew it. I wouldn't hesitate to do it again. In fact, I keep a supply of homeschooling texts and supplies at hand, just in case.

Don't worry about the leapfrogging your husband and you are doing, it's good for school staff to see that you are both concerned and they can't bully you as a team. It also manages your stress levels. My husband and I did the same thing.

The University of North Dakaota has a distance learning program (www.ndisonline.org) which my son used to finish high school. This is a real diploma program, not an equivalency. The academics are very good and most of the courses can be taken online. My son was assigned to a high school with 1400 kids, way too many for his comfort level, even with an inclusion aide.

Get him out of that school quickly. The other kids will destroy his self-esteem and leave scars which will never go away. He could easily become clinically depressed and suicidal.

The school will not cooperate without an official diagnosis of something. You need a real diagnosis by a developmental psychologist. If he has been diagnosed by a school psychologist, you may demand an objective 3rd party eveluation. You have that right. The school system has an obligation to identify kids with disabiliites. They will try to deny your child services because they are expensive. It's a game. You need to learn the rules.

Start here:

http://www.wrightslaw.com/

Read, read and study what your son's rights are as you are officially his advoate. You have that responsibility. I also have AS and two children on the spectrum. You are capable of doing this. Don't let your son fall through the cracks and suffer.

She's Canadian.

Thank you; I really don't think I am complaining either. I don't want to see him abused, and will not stand for it any longer. However, being at home with me 24/7 is not a good solution either. We did that for 4 years and nearly killed eachother! It is hard to deal with a child with needs like his 24/7, and be completely responsible for his education. A lot of the time, I felt I was failing him at home, being unable to reach him, that is a horrible place to be, feeling like it is all your fault. At least this way, I know I am not alone, I am not the "source" of his problems. I have a lot of stuff to work through myself, after years of abuse and bullying myself. I am in no position to be 100% responsible for my sons acedemic, emotional and social growth. I think it takes a big person to not run from that truth, but admit to their problems. There has to be another way.

I had him when I was 17, and now have a 2 and 4 year old. My husband is 4 years older then me, so we are a very young family, especially to be parenting a 12 year old. My whole life revolves around my children. We determined we can't even attend a cousins wedding reception because "no kids are allowed" and we don't know anyone who could babysit, or we would trust the kids with. I went to work 2 years ago, that was a disaster for the family, and social problems at work got out of hand with me. I Don't think it was because of my Asperger's, All the NT's at work agreed the problems with management, myself and another "individual" where way way out of hand and took my side. But, I was fired, which had a feather breaking the cammels back on me. So, I stay home and take care of my 2 preschoolers, and Aspie, I think very well, trying to satisfy all of their developmental, emotional and psycological needs. I love my kids above all else and would move heaven and earth for them!

Laws in Ontario are very relaxed, all you have to do is sign a paper saying "you intend to provide satisfactory education". And you are left alone. In away though, that is not a good thing, as the government does not have any real support to offer the homeschooling family, and homeschooling is generally not accomidating to an IEP.

I don't know what my sons IQ is. In talking to him, all professionals think he is "highly intellegent". However, a test done when he was 8, (I think by a poor proffesional who had not done a psycoeducational test in 10 years) determined he was of "average lower intellegence, with an IQ in the 90's and no learning disability". The same person flagged him with a "social disability". Interestingly, he was evaluated to have a relatively strong vocabuary, in the top 19 percent of the population. We will be getting a new test in the fall this year. But, it is through the school, so we can't speed it up, they are terribly backlogged. I hope it is a very different outcome. I have a strong suspision it will be. I wanted to get it done privately, but the money just continuously eludes us.

So, do I go back to work to get the money to do these things? Or just do as much as I can on my own and stay home so I have the time to take care of my family? Considering I can't even cover the daycare costs right now for the younger ones, I am stuck home for at least another 2 years... Just trying to do the best I can.


Ultimately, I want to see the school adopt anti bullying cirriculum that has been effective in other districts. I want to know that people who say things to my son will recieve more then "a talking too". And, if it does not stop, I want to know he can have options to help avoid the conflicts, like remain in the class at recess, change in a different washroom, or even just go home. I am not too keen on these being the solutions though, because it will make the bullies feel like they won, if my son is further distanced. This will probably give them the illusion they can drive him right out of school, or even out of the neighbourhood making things get worse. I want to also explore having him sent to a different school the followning September. Maybe an Aspburger school, maybe just a "fresh start". Again though, this is not "likely to happen" because the school board does not dictate if a school takes an out of catchment student, rather the school decides. And why would they take a highly acedemically needy student with Asperger's?

BTW, he does fight back. He is no longer physically assulted because he has been able to overtake anyone who has tried. But, when it comes to verbal retaliation, just just does not have the witt to compete. Basically though, I want to make sure that the solution does not have him backing down, giving in to all the bullies.

Yeah, try and find another school for him, if you feel that hometutoring him isn't ideal