HELP! @ school: comments from boys to 8yo ASC daughter

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I am feeling sick with worry over this.

My 8yo daughter, who has HFA (and is emotionally and socially like a 3-4yo) has recently started at an ASC unit at school (having been home-educated for 2.9 yrs beforehand).

Yesterday, she told me after school that some boys had asked her if she "liked" them. My warning radar immediately went off, although I tried to tell myself it was probably innocent as she does play with boys as well as girls. I told her "if any boys say anything to you, you must tell mummy everything" and I asked her whether they were boys from the ASC unit or the mainstream and what age they were. She told me they were two years older than her, one was from mainstream and one was from the ASC unit. I just had a feeling in my gut, and as I am in regular email contact with her teacher and SENCo over all her worries (she comes home very upset about things that have happened at school), I mentioned what she had told me on an email I was sending last night anyway and asked them to keep a very good eye on her in the playground etc.

She went off to play and I thought that was it. Later on, she came to me and said "shall I tell you what else the boys said?" and my heart started sinking. I told her again that she must tell me everything. She told me that 2 different boys on 2 different occasions had asked her if she "fancied" them and about them being her boyfriend!! !!

This is my baby, she is like an overgrown toddler, despite her intellect she is so very niaive and innocent, even though the average 8yo would be innocent and niaive in that way, obviously she is even more so than normal. There is no way on earth she would make that up as she does not know the word "fancy" and doesn't even know what a boyfriend means. She told me she didn't understand what they meant, and when they had asked her if she liked them she had replied "I don't know you so I can't say that I like you".

I feel like she is being targeted. One of the incidents (with the mainstream boy) happened when she was leaving the main school building after lunch, to go to the playground. She said she was at the doorway alone and this boy came to help her and said it to her. I am now imagining scenarios where the boy watched her from his table in the canteen (and maybe other times too) and followed her to the door on purpose to get her alone in this way to say stuff.

She said the other (ASC) boy said these things to her in the playground but for some reason she was unable to explain what happened and when I pushed her to explain she got stressed and said she just couldn't explain it. So I think whatever the incident was it confused her and she didn't understand it enough to explain.

She is a beautiful little girl and is like a baby socially (e.g. she is oblivious to what's going on when she approaches other children that she has played with before to play, and they tell her they are playing a "private game" she doesn't realise she is being ostracised because of her differences). I'm so worried that she would be so easy for boys like this to manipulate her into a position where she was out of sight of the staff, such as round a corner or something and maybe they might do something awful. The ASC boy may also have trouble with boundaries and knowing what is appropriate so although his intentions may be more innocent than the mainstream boy, I still have cause to be worried in case he oversteps somehow.

I'm also stressed as to how much I warn her to be on her guard. I told her "boys can be dangerous" but didn't know what else to say as I don't want her to have her innocence destroyed in telling her just what the world is like at this age and stage in her development.

I will be emailing the school, but as I found this out on Friday after school was closed I now have to worry about this all weekend and I am sure the school will brush it off and say it was harmless. I don't believe it was harmless, not from my daughter's POV. My husband says boys at that age are innocent in that respect which I disagree with. There were things that happened when I was little that make me know it wasn't, such as a boy only 2 years older than the boys that said this to her exposing himself to me and my friend and other girls on the way home from school, in the woods adjacent the pavement.

She also told me that she forgets she is wearing a skirt and is worried she might have accidentally shown her underwear when she is bending down (I've had to remind her a lot when she's wearing a skirt as she doesn't realise how she's sitting) so now I'm worried this has somehow caused an issue too. I am now thinking that either she has to wear trousers all the time or I have to put shorts on her underneath her skirts.

How worried should I be and how should I deal with the school? It's not telling them about it as I can do that, it's what expectations should I have for how much I can expect them to keep an eye on her.

I can understand your worries. As a male, I know that 8 year old boys are very rarely as innocent as everyone makes them out to be.

My advice is to keep in contact with the school about this. Ask your daughter if she knows these boys' names, and express your concerns to her teacher and SENCo. Keep it calm, making it clear you are worried about the possibility of boys taking advantage of your daughter but don't suggest that the boys have definitely got something sinister in mind; although your daughter's safety and comfort is your main priority, the boys could simply just think your daughter is cute and nothing more, so you don't want any serious action taken against them unless you know they're targeting your daughter specifically.

Hopefully, their teachers should talk to them and with any luck they'll leave her alone. Please do be careful with telling her boys can be dangerous, though. If she can be as naive as you say she can she may take it as all boys are dangerous, which could lead to added stress to her daily life (as she may be terrified that all boys she sees will attack her) and could damage potential friendships in future. Despite the whole "boys vs girls" attitude at primary schools, in my experience primary school boys do have decent friendships with girls and vice versa.

As for the skirt thing, I think shorts underneath, opaque tights and trousers may be best until she's a little older and more aware of her underwear showing etc.

I hope things get sorted with the school. Good luck!

I'm just going to jump in with a couple of thoughts...
I have both nt and kids on the spectrum, have spent the last 9 years in and around schools and kids. This, to me, doesn't sound worrying. Of course, there are things you can do to put your mind at ease.

Absolutely, let the teachers know how naive your daughter is and your concern over the comments. To be honest, if there's not a day that my nt 8 yr old son doesn't mention "who likes who" at school now, that's a bit odd.... It comes with the rundown of the school day. "We had maths, spelling, I ate all my lunch, spilled my drink, played footy with x, y and z... Oh yeh z now likes a, then we did art." As I see it, all a bit of a game.

Definitely keep the lines of communication very open with your daughter re: school.
I would be wary myself of telling an 8 yr old that " boys can be dangerous" . As a mother of beautiful boys (one girl too) that hurts.

Make sure your daughter is aware to stay "in bounds" and close to supervising teachers. Not to wander off with people, even if she thinks they are friends.

Yes, little bike shorts or similar under her skirt is a good idea. Or just school coloured, modest underwear. My daughter always wore them. Even sitting on the mat, playing on the grass, bending over etc.... can expose more than you'd think.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I don't think you have anything to worry about, BUT I can understand why you are worried. The schoolyard must seem like a zoo after not being around it for a while.
Good luck

I do think that telling her boys are dangerous might backfire as she is probably very literal, no? What is dangerous is going anywhere out of sight of adults with any other child. That's what I would focus on with her. In addition to asking the teachers to watch these boys in particular can you ask that they educate all the kids about disability awareness? This could be a good teachable moment for everyone.

I think that you are justified in your concern here. Even if things are innocent, having a teacher check on the situation and know how the two boys are talking with your daughter is a good idea. If nothing is going on, fine, then everyone can relax. If something is going on, then the teacher is there to witness inappropriate actions (or the potential for such) and you can take care of it.

At the same age, I had an issue with my son at school where he was talking about having friends (suddenly) and making the other boys laugh. My radar went up -- even though I was a lot more inclined to relax and let things slide -- and I asked to be able to go and observe at the school during lunch time. They refused to let me (so annoying) but they said that they would keep an eye on things. True to their word, they DID check things out, and yes, there was a group of boys telling my son to do stupid things, and then they were laughing at him. All the boys were brought in to the principal, talked to, their parents were called, and it ended up as a positive situation. All the boys in some way tried hard to make this up to my son -- invited him to scout activities, sending him a christmas present, etc. I was shocked by the positive outcome.

This was almost a decade ago. We have NEVER had another issue come up after this initial 8-year-old situation. If you check on it NOW, and it is an issue, then the teachers and parents know that you mean business and that your instincts are good. The hard thing is having restraint and not making an issue out of everything. It would be easy for us as parents to complain about all sorts of things, and we have to restrain ourselves a lot because otherwise the teachers and school administration will get overwhelmed by our requests. But in your situation, and especially in a situation of a sort of "abuse" possibility, it's pretty much REQUIRED that you do something to prevent a possible problem. You may actually be helping these boys -- stopping them before they do something bad without even really knowing that it's bad.

Little kids do have emotional crushes on each other. In my son's kindergarten class, age 5-6, kids were declaring each other to be boyfriend/girlfriend, and my son even quite seriously proposed and planned to marry one girl when they grew up (and persisted to declare this for several months). Kids can "fancy" or "like" each other without it leading to abuse. I agree that your daughter should be watched with extra vigilance because of her naivety.

Perhaps you could think of some responses to teach her to use if a boy asks if she likes/fancies him:

"Do you like me?"
"Just as a friend."

"Do you fancy me?"
"Not that way."

"Do you want to go together?"
"No, I'm not allowed to go with boys."

"Will you kiss me?"
"No, there's no kissing allowed at school."

"Let's go [somewhere alone]"
"I only play in [name area of the playground]"

To keep things simple, I would focus not on "boys are dangerous" (because not all boys are, and someday she will need to work with boys), but on the importance of staying within a space with specific boundaries (the playground) and within sight of an adult. As she matures emotionally, she will be better equipped to deal with more complex concerns. Good luck--this would scare me to death.

Thanks Zette.

The thing is, 5-6 year old boys are very different developmentally to 10 year old boys, who are just hitting adolescence and hormones. Boys do vary I know, some at that age are very immature but there are others who are very precocious. I remember in first year of high school (age 11-12) one boy had a man's voice and physique and used to improperly grope a girl he had his eye on, by putting his hands down her top and grabbing her boobs! It was awful.

The second the teacher left the classroom, he would be on this girl in front of the whole class, he also used to do it on the school field in full view of everyone.

Thanks for the suggestions for answers.

I'm a little confused by some of the terminology, and can't find it by googling - what is ASC? and some of the other acronyms you are using? I'm not sure why an 8 year old is with 10 year olds (though I would say that at 10, boys have not yet hit puberty and a lot of what they say is just talk...with exceptions for those who are "early bloomers")

I think, while I'm not a fan of victim-proofing, you do need to sit down with your daughter and explain EXACTLY what kinds of harm can come to her - we explain to my son that his body is his own, nobody has a right to touch it without his consent, and that his private parts are just that, private. We talk about consent in both directions A LOT: he understands it in terms of ownership and fairness, and that works for us.

Shorts under my skirt worked for me as a girl; I think that's important in general. I was the kind of kid (frankly, the kind of adult) who can't sit with my legs "proper" so people looking up my skirt has been a problem my whole life. I just don't have the body awareness to wear a skirt without either being OK with people seeing or without leggings underneath (I often wear capri-style leggings with a skirt.)

The whole "fancying" (or, "liking") is incredibly complicated and usually does not have sexual undertones, it's more about a learning about the social aspects of couplehood. Normally, at age 10, kids who are "going together" or "boyfriend and girlfriend" (or whatever) don't have any actual contact after the relationship is stated. Confusing for a kid on the spectrum of any age - and confusing for NTs, too.

I think "boys are dangerous" is way too vague and general for an Aspie - plus, sexual kinds of "danger" can come from girls, from adults, from all kinds of places. I think the sad truth is that, even if she's not ready for it, because she is in an environment where others are ahead of her, you have to have a serious discussion about sexuality, appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and bodily autonomy. (some ideas here, although they are expressed more in terms of autistic teens http://autism.lovetoknow.com/autism-sexuality )