Using food as reward/incentive

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Yeah, but... I'm so glad that works for you. My son has never, ever, never gone to his room when I've told him to... He will not go to bed if it's not "time". (Even if it's time, it's a heck of a chore.) We have had nights where he's not been allowed on the TV, computer, whatever, because he failed to do the school work, but that causes a lot more problems because he will go turn the TV on anyway, or he'll take the laptop and turn it on anyway. Then I have an even bigger issue to deal with. Just a few weeks ago I was to the point that I was going to lock up the power cords to all that stuff so that he couldn't turn stuff on anyway, but then we had a sudden breakthru and he's been better. But I might have to do it in the future.

I'm not saying I'm going to do this on a regular basis but it seems to me that if I can say "I am not going to make dinner for you because it's been x number of hours of screaming and you haven't done the agreed upon things" and that actually changes his attitude and he does the agreed upon things and stops screaming, that seems to me a whole lot better than the "now you're not allowed to do anything except wait around for bedtime" and then he turns on the TV anyway, In the past he's had physical altercations with us when we've turned off computers he was on when he wasn't supposed to be on. Not recently... So, I don't know. I am definitely extremely grateful that it doesn't often get to the point that I'd feel like I need to say I'm not going to make dinner for him.

Now as for the recent breakthru... When I made the not making dinner comments, about four times over the last two years, not more recently than 4 months ago, he was not really into any computer or video games. He was in a period of not really having a favorite. So the usual - stop kicking dirt on me and my client or no computer tonight - wasn't making any sort of impression at all. But recently he's joined a new faction on mine craft and met a new friend there and he is VERY motivated to not lose any of his available time. So, cool, great, I have something I can use. But when he's not really into something enough that it motivates him to work to avoid losing it, then that's when it's really hard.

For what it's worth, and frankly it's not really worth all that much even to me because I definitely don't think counselors are always super experts who should be listened to no matter what, his counselor says there is nothing wrong with sending him to bed without dinner even if it actually happens a couple times per month or more. She is a counselor thru a delinquency prevention program and most of the kids she sees are on the verge of getting an out of home placement due to obedience issues in the home and the start of issues outside the home. They are all defined as "severely emotionally disturbed" which as a lot of you here probably know is more of a legal "diagnosis" based on behavior. She has said my son meets the criteria for full time out of home placement based on his disobedience and aggression and potential for violence. Kids with any number of psychological disorders can also be defined as being SED. She says it's not abuse if it's one meal in the day taken away, doesn't happen every day, the kid isn't suffering from malnutrition, etc., especially if it's been hard to find other stuff that works.

(I'm not going to place him outside the home, as long as it continues to be up to me, which as long as he stays out of the juvenile justice system it will be up to me, and I do think the counselor has a bit of a "to a carpenter every problem looks like it needs a hammer" thing going on, and like I said, I don't always think counselors are right just because they are counselors... but I did want to include what she's said about it here.)

For the future, if I ever say anything like that again, it will be with the added disclosure that there are apples and carrots in the house if he's hungry that he can get himself (as there always are) so it's not like he's going to actually be starving. I don't know if I'll ever say it again. I hope I won't have to. But if he loses interest in his current video game choice and nothing is really motivating him and he's kicking a hole in the wall or screaming in front of clients and I can say that and it will make him calm down, then I don't know... (By the way I never say anything in front of clients that they can actually hear as that's between me and my son, but of course it's obvious to them that he's freaking out and I'm saying something he doesn't really like... but I would never say in front of anybody else out loud that he lost his computer privilege or lost dinner or whatever.)

Thanks everybody!

Thanks for your input, miss-understood!

LOL, we already cook his favorite meal for him every day, as there are only about 4 things on the planet he'll eat.

We do it - our son gets pizza (almost) every Saturday provided his behaviour has been good and during the week, if he eats his 'healthy dinner' i.e. vegetable soup then he gets a couple of chicken nuggets afterwards. If we didn't do this then the boy would live on Mac & Cheese. pizza and toast which isn't an option in our house, we try and eat pretty healthily. So far so good - I know it's not ideal but whose meal times are?
As he is getting older, I am able to ask him to do chores (like cleaning up his lego) and then he gets a treat after dinner (a piece of chocolate).

No problem 0223.

Well, that definitely makes it hard. There was a time when DS was about 4 and he would only eat weetbix. Breakfast, lunch and dinner! For many years, up until about 8, he was picky about food. We actually did what Shellfish suggests above, using his favourites as a reward for eating/ at least trying what we were having. These days he is an eating machine. Not much he won't eat. I've heard most teenage boys are like that... Our problems these days are trying to stop him from overeating. It's always something.

I'm glad you found something else that motivates him too, always good to have as many as you can.
Good luck!

I've had days before where there has been something that the oldest had to do, when he was delaying, arguing, just generally not doing it. I think it has been over taking a shower a few times, some other project a few times, homework occasionally where he has been at not doing it for hours until it was getting close to supper time. I have gotten to the point where we told him that he wasn't eating supper until he was done with the thing. Which usually prompted more arguing and delaying, right up until every else's plate was being fixed until he decided I was serious, and then he'd go do do the 10-20 minute job that he'd taken 8 hours on, and we'd warm his food up if it needed it. So I've never tried to send him to bed without his supper, but I have held his supper hostage before. He is the type that absolutely loves to eat, so the chances of him still refusing to do it when faced with the rest of us eating is basically none. If he was the type that didn't care so much about eating, I wouldn't use that.

There is only one thing that motivates my son: logic. He has to buy into the reasons for the request, and once he does, he's good as gold. If he doesn't, the item will never stop being a battle. That is pretty common with ASD kids. You rephrase and change tactics and get really, really good at making your case.

There are lots of ways this can be handled, but it is immensely frustrating because all the solutions will only work for a temporary period. However, feel free to use whatever works and rotate as necessary:

1) I do think that denying food is not so terrible if it is done as part of explaining a logical sequence: "DS, if you cannot brush your teeth you cannot have more food. If you eat and don't brush you will get cavities. Cavities hurt and you must understand that you can become in lots of pain and lose your teeth if you don't take care of your teeth. They can become brown, your breath will become foul to yourself and others, and the dentist will have to drill out the decay in your teeth otherwise you can lose them and you will look really silly. Do you want to lose your teeth? Of course not, now the logical thing is to either brush or to not eat. Which do you prefer?"

2) You can give a choice of undesirables. Find something he does not like doing, and ask which undesirable thing he wants to do first. If he doesn't like taking a shower, say, "DS, you can either brush your teeth first or take a shower. If you don't brush your teeth you are going in the shower. Now, which will it be?"

3) You can bribe with a TV show or video game as a reward (or time on his special interest) right after he brushes his teeth.

4) You can show him nasty photos of decayed teeth on the internet

5) You can have an authority figure that he looks up to and respects to talk to him about brushing his teeth

6) If he's into girls you can tell him that no girls like boys with stinky breath

7) You can tell him that if he doesn't brush his teeth that YOU will brush his teeth for him. And follow through.

You can let him pick out a special toothbrush (maybe electric?) and his own choice of toothpaste and/or mouthwash. Perhaps him trying out different toothpastes may help. My DS5 cannot tolerate normal toothpaste because it is "too strong" for him. I buy Weleda tooth gel which doesn't have fluoride, but he can get fluoride supplement from water or other things. If you want a link to buy it, I can provide that. It is very mild and doesn't "sting" his mouth.

9) You can help him earn rewards for brushing his teeth. Pick a desired object BEFOREHAND and then jointly determine how many times he has to brush to earn it. But be specific, because I tried this with my son and potty training, and he would hold in his pee and then let it out in 5 separate spurts in order to earn his prize early. Make sure it is spelled out that it has to be 2-3 times, and at specific times of the day (after the 3 big meals/after dessert). These kids are smart, you know! Or it could be an outing or activity that he likes that you really might not enjoy so much (like playing ball for an hour, or doing a project together, a pillow fight, etc.)

Anyway, those are just a list of ideas. I hope some of them might help you! Good luck!

Therapists recommended using little treats of m&m's, skittle's, lollipops, etc.... when he was really little to motivate our son. He is now 8, and through the years, food seems to be his biggest motivator. I have been guilty of using ice cream and pizza as rewards for good behavior since it is so highly motivating for him. It has seemed to work in a lot of situations for us, but now my son loves to eat all the time, and I am pretty sure he uses food as a comforting thing sometimes. I don't really threaten to take away meals, but I definitely use food as a motivator. I know I have probably messed up, but it is truly the one thing that will work in most situations. I am trying to find other ways to motivate him, but as you said, if he is not "into" anything at the time, then it is hard to find something. So I understand where you are coming from.

My son does okay with brushing his teeth although I do still have to help him. I told him that his teeth would turn black if he didn't and that seemed to help.

Good luck, sounds like you have a tough situation on your hands. I am not looking forward to the teen years....LOL!