What would you do?

Post Reply New Topic

My son is 13 and we are a military family. We don't live close to other family members...He, my daughter, and myself are all diagnosed Aspies, but at his age, he seems to feel the brunt of the bullying. He went to school for a year or so back where his grandmother lives, and still has kids there that know him and ask about him. I know that he does have a few friends here, as well. Anyway, he wants to move in with his grandmother and go to school there. His biggest reasoning has been so he will be with his friends and away from the bullies. Would you let him? We've pretty much decided to let him, but there are times I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I keep telling him that there are going to be bullies everywhere, including there, but he won't listen. I know how bad I wanted to live with my grandmother when I was his age, but I would've stayed at the same school, so it wouldn't have mattered. Would you let your 13 year old move in with grandmother, 5 hours away from you??

If you are a military family, I assume you move quite a lot. Then maybe it's better for him to move in with his grandmother, so that his routines won't change too often

That is tough. I am assuming if you are a military family that you move around a lot. I could see where the stability of getting to live in one place would be appealing, although I am presuming that he would come to live you again during holidays and breaks, right? That will involve continual transitions. Also, whether he admits it or not, (He's 13, so he might not) he will miss you and he might also miss the routines in your home.

If my son had different grandparents and was that age, and more self-sufficient than I think my son will be at that age, I might allow him to give it a test run, with the proviso that he could come back if it did not work out. (So he won't feel like he has to muddle through with it, regardless.) That assumes his grandparents get him well enough to handle his needs as well as issues that come up at school, and that I could hook him up with video chat. I would also make sure he knows that you will be checking up on things like his grades and how he is doing on a frequent basis.

You know your son, so it is hard for me to know better than you, you know? It would not be terrible to let him spread his wings out, if he can handle it.

I don't know anything about you, your son, or your son's grandmother, so I can't say. My gut reaction is to avoid the bullies at all costs. The damage done by bullies to myself and my husband was so bad I had horrible anxiety attacks when it was time to move my 13 year old ASD child from life-long home school to public school. But that's just my gut. Go with your gut.

Maybe. My experience in public schools is why I homeschooled my three boys. I do know that whatever you do choose, it will be because you want the best for your son.

I do want the best for him, I just don't know for sure what to do! Like I told him, there will be bullies anywhere he goes. I'm just stuck. I was all for him going, but I'm worried that she will let him get away with too much, etc. I know that she's a good mother, but he ignores me, and I don't know if that would be better or worse with her.

Bullies are everywhere, that is true. That said, if he has genuine friends there they insulate him a little bit. Have the grandparents ever taken care of him for a weekend or a summer? Have you observed how they handle things? When you mean get away with things do you mean big things or little things? Are you afraid of an adverse result that you can put your finger on?

I am asking you all these questions but it seems in your gut, you are leaning towards not doing it. Maybe it would be better to just methodically list all your reasons and analyze all of them, and see what you come up with. Part of it may be you don't want to be separated from him, and that is not an irrelevant reason, either. I would not want to be 5 hours away from my little guy, either.

She's taken care of him a lot. He goes there quite often, he and his sister both, during the summer. The main thing that I'm thinking about is stuff like sneaking in the night, just little things. He ignores me half the time, and just wonder of it will be worse with her. Also, I'll admit it, I'm jealous. She seems to be more important to him than anyone else in his life. But my jealousy isn't a reason to stop him from being happy.

So true. It is very, very hard to be the new kid and have no friends. Been there, done that twice. Not fun. Friends help a lot. That said, if he works at it and knows it may take a couple of months, he could find new friends.

If you are worried about compliance, and you think additional non-compliance will create additional problems as opposed to just being annoying to his grandmother, that is something you can bring up with him. If the non-compliance is over stuff he has control over as opposed to sensory issues and that kind of thing you could tell him you worry about him being mature enough and that you want to see that he can act more responsibly in order for you to agree. Also, have you observed or asked about these things (compliance) at his grandmother's or are you just wondering? Facts might help you decide.

She has an extremely good point. I'd be inclined to wonder if the desire to go to Grandma's isn't born of thinking that living there will mean more Good Old-Fashioned Grandma Spoiling (the #1 reason that my kids would move in with their great-grandmother in an eyeblink), and that it will be easier to pull the wool over Grandma's eyes (the #1 reason that I preferred Cattrina the Martyr to Saint Alan hands down at the age of 13-- she wanted to trust me (too much), had a pathological inability to say "no," and behaved like she thought my feces smelled like roses).

Yeah-- *wince*. I don't think unconditional positive regard is good for ANYONE. If Grandma has too much of that attitude, I might think twice.

Other than that-- I'd talk to Grandma about it, and then I'd talk to HIM. Tell him that he needs to understand that he needs to be compliant with Grandma (she's Grandma, she's old(er), she's doing him a massive favor-- whatever it takes to get him to empathize with the situation), and that, if he becomes aggressive, or argumentative, or significantly more non-compliant, he will be coming home straight away (for Grandma's sake, if not for the sake of punishment).

And then, if he seems to understand and seems genuinely willing to be properly respectful and Grandma's honestly up to it...

...I'd bite my lip, buy a lot of tissues (and probably a big bottle of strong liquor), line up a support network to listen to me sob, add unlimited long distance to my phone plan if I didn't already have it, add call waiting to Grandma's phone plan if she doesn't already have it, install Skype on Grandma's computer (or get the kid a cell phone with FaceTime-- if you can afford it, that's probably a better idea), and help him pack.

Then I'd hole up in my bedroom and have a weeklong meltdown/shutdown. I'd tie up the phone line every single evening and wear a rut in the highway between my house and Grandma's (or spend a lot of time in an airplane). I'd probably hire a therapist to help me deal with the grief. But, if I thought it would be best for my kid, I'd let my kid go.

Thanks again for the responses. I did tell him earlier that I wanted to see some more maturity before I let him go live with her. He was supposed to just stay when we go at Christmas, but he has to prove to me that he can mind her and be more mature. I've said to him that if he's ignoring me, I don't see how it will be any better there.

Of course I would. Sometimes you have to make tough decisions as a parent. The grandmother also has to be okay with it and let him move back if it doesn't work out for him. He is welcome home anytime.