A chlid of as asperger mum

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Hi all,

First time here - hope this thread isn't dead. Would love to hear from other non-asperger kids whose parent(s) has aspergers. My father didn't have AS. I felt loved by him - my mother was, intially, a mystery to me...even then at a young age...no hugs, never a (normal, from my point of view) "I love you" I. much, later came to understand what AS meant; but, only as an adult...and , yet, an adult's comprehendion, can't remove the child who screams to its mother: what's wrong with me? why don't you love me?....something must be wrong with me. The internet is awash with information for parents with aspie kids, but so little about non-aspie kids who have an aspie parent. I think we need more info/advice out there for those of us who relate to that which I have just written. x

That must have been very hard for you. I think the important thing with ASDs (and people as a whole) is to trust their actions over their words, and to understand that no-one is perfect.

I don't know enough about your mother or your relationship with her, but I imagine she worked in some way to provide you with your basic needs. She may not have understood those emotional needs, and therefore been unable to provide for them - this certainly is not unique to parents with Aspergers. But maybe you can take the effort that she put into your care as a sign of her love for you.

Parents of kids with ASDs often have difficulty with the lack of emotional affection displayed by their children, but the attempts to do well, please their parents, and the effort put into adapting to a world that doesn't fit them quite right. Those can all be taken as true signs of love. I hope that you, in your adulthood have been able to understand that about your mother as well.

It's a strange position to be in, having to forgive a parent, even when they may not understand why you are forgiving them. And to appreciate their strengths, even as you mourn their weaknesses. Best of luck to you in that.

My mom has AS. I don't know of any resources to help. I had a similar experience except there was also verbal abuse and neglect (she is not fully functioning, so could not take care of me). Also, there was no understanding of normal childhood development. I got yelled at all the time for talking to her, asking her to do stuff. No one could come to the house. I could not make any noise. I still live by these rules because I still live with her. She is not verbally abusive anymore. But when I was a child she made it clear that I was not wanted. I am very angry about this because I don't have a mother. I feel like I don't. I also feel like she destroyed my self-esteem. It's hard to let go of. She is different now and nicer. She even apologized, but I am still f****d up in the head from how cruel she was to me. I am also mad at my dad for choosing her as a partner and leaving me with her to take care of her.

I don't think there is any literature or resources for children of AS parents because most therapists don't even recognize that AS exists in adults. They think it is a children's problem.

I also think that an AS person could probably make a good parent if they tried. I don't blame my mom's cruelty on her AS. I blame it on her being a self-centered b***h and being taught that it is okay to be a self-centered, man-hating b***h by her mother. All the women on my mom's side of the family are like that.

The only answer I have come up with--and i suspect my mother may have ASD--is the difficult to understand or accept reality that how we are treated by our parents may reflect something about us, but it is about them. And something has to be missing inside an adult to be able to love a partner, yet fail to show love to a child and that represents a hole no child can really fill. Trying can suck you into a vortex of misery that becomes inescapable. It's unfair, and it hurts, but limits on parental love don't mean something's wrong with you. And a lot of women with ASD are very warm, loving moms, I don't think it's the ASD that is the issue. At least women I know, ASD does not prevent warmth toward young children at all, there isn't the social confusion getting in the way.

If there were more information, it would probably be mostly about growing up with a father with ASD, rather than a mother, and that's what you're looking for.

It's wonderful if you can appreciate your mother for her strengths as suggested, but however you feel is real and not being responded to emotionally is an incredibly painful experience for a child. I hope you can continue to be appreciated and appreciate the people who did and do make you feel loved, they are just as real and deserve your attention---give it to them.

I'm not recommending, but maybe Maxine Aston....she writes things about emotional deprivation, somewhat controversial, I have not read any book by her, she has a negative outlook on ASD from what I have read, and I've already given you my opinion that not providing one's child (who one was able to love enough to create) with warmth and love and affection throughout their life is more than ASD. Not getting things, seeming not to listen or respond, certainly. No hugs ever, though, no. Women anyway with ASD may seem emotionally unresponsive to their children due to social and communication problems. But completely unable to provide any physical affection just isn't what ASD is. However, perhaps reading about would give you something you are looking for.

Regarding resources for kids, I found this, which may be helpful...though there is quite a difference between understanding a concept intellectually and coping with emotional abuse / neglect (if and when they occur).

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-au ... hters.aspx

I hug my son and tell him I love him and I let him sleep in the same bed with me when he comes into my room in the middle of the night. I also like holding him. I don't understand why a parent wouldn't do this. Sensory issues I can understand so I assume it would prevent them from wanting to hug or hold their kids hut I am sure the kids can understand when they are older it's sensory related and the parent just has to explain it to them so they understand but how can you get a two year old to understand that or a three year old or an infant or one year old? My son doesn't even understand he is getting too big for me to carry and fight with him and how he can't always sit on my lap anymore because he is getting too big. . But it can't be hard to tell your child you love them.

I suspect, though can't confirm, that my mom and sister are either on the spectrum or very close to it. Still not sure if they'd meet clinical criteria, but both exhibit many AS characteristics.

Mom was always attentive and loving, affectionate even. She does have sensory sensitivities and hates when people touch her, but always loved hugs from me. My son is exactly the same way. I didn't realize until college that there was anything unusual about her. She does tend to repeat the same stories, have rigid views, and has some shaky social skills. As a teen I used to joke that it was almost like she was an alien who was studying humanity and *almost* had it. LOL enter Wrong Plant!

Overall, she was and is a great mom. Best of all, she really gets my AS son.

Hey regulus-

I've been poking around this forum for a couple of weeks and have been contemplating posting. I joined just to respond to you as I haven't figured out if my story needs to be out there yet.

So I really get where you are coming from. I have figured out that my mother is likely on the spectrum (I am not). I have not found a lot of info out there for people in our shoes.

One book that has been very helpful for me is "The Emotionally Absent Mother" by Jasmin Lee Cori. It focuses on what happens to you when you don't have that early nurturing.

Don't get that either-- generally if I am accused of being a bad parent in any way, it's spoiling my kids. Too many favors, too much coddling, too few rules, too few demands.

The only time I've ever been abusive was after months of hearing from my FIL about how I needed to be harder with "the goddamn kids" unless I wanted them to "turn out f**ked-up like [me]."

Now, I have my moments and my time and space, and I NEED it. I have my "things," and I NEED them. I cannot construct a world that revolves 100% around the kids 100% of the time...

...but parents I've met that do that raise very spoiled children that, I find, they don't even like.

I've had struggles with being afraid to interact with my kids for fear of "doing it wrong," because I know I'm nonstandard and I know nonstandard is bad...

...but my kids get hugs and love and praise and the rest of it, and I'm as Aspie as the day is long.

So-- I'm sorry your mothers were b*****s. I'm sure it wasn't your fault-- It couldn't be, because you were KIDS.

But-- and yeah, this is me, me, me-- there's a reason other than the condition. My grandfather was like that-- I suspect he was AS, but I think it had a lot more to do with how much effort it took for him to "act normal" than with the condition itself. He was very concerned with such things, and I think that, by the time he got done with "What will people think?? Am I walking right?? Talking right?? OH MY GOD, do I look ret*d, do I look sick, am I going to get locked up in Weston, are people talking about me?!?!" there was just nothing left for his daughters. My dad was AS too-- he just didn't care what people thought, and it wasn't just me that liked him and felt wonderful around him; it was every kid I knew.

I've been both ways. I've been just ASD ME, and I've been obsessed with doing everything right, looking and acting right, "seeming normal." One of those me's is a pretty good mother-- strange, maybe, with rowdy kids and a definite shortage of pleasantly whispered honeyed words-- but pretty good, with lots of hugs and "I love yous" and cuddles and stories and games and fun things to do with construction paper and recyclables (not to mention strong soap and high-quality BandAids). The other one is an emotionally exhausted not-very-nice person with no patience and nothing left-- it looks GREAT on the outside, I never raise my voice or let the smile fall off my face or lose control of a kid in the grocery store, but it's an empty shell. I know which one I'd rather be-- and it isn't the Perfectly Normal PTO Mommy with the sweet voice and the matching sandals and handbag.

So-- I don't deny that you had sh***y experiences, and I'm really sorry for that. But PLEASE understand that there were probably some other factors involved-- like the fact that those men and women probably spent all their energy, every waking moment, striving very hard to NEVER let their guard down and NEVER be themselves, and the fact that they probably lived through a childhood of being spat on (metaphorically if not literally) and rejected and carried the damage of all of that-- before you go around making assertions and statements that get those of us who are perfectly caring and affectionate parents harassed just for having been stupid enough to ask for help.

We have a thread for this. "Raised By Asperger Parent." You'll find other people with similar experiences, and it's YOUR safe place. The Aspies mostly stay out of it, and when we do end up there we understand that it's your place for your damage on your terms. We try not to stand up for ourselves.

Out here, though, it's fair game.

With due respect to BuyerBeware, that thread is still part of this board, and yes, I will go on there to stand up for myself as an Aspie parent, when I don't feel what is posted is respectful or sensible. I try to stay off of it, but there is some pretty offensive stuff on there and sometimes I look on there even though I know for my own well-being I probably should not.