Asperger's Parents and What That Means For Us...

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Thanks for the kind words.

I feel I must have failed a bit in capturing the sense of my dad, though.

The criticism was brutal, but not relentless--there were periods without it, when we were doing other things.

The wrath was tempered by tenderness, hugs and other signs of affection.

He was anything but apathetic. Intense in every pursuit.

The absence, yes--when his mind and intense focus was on something else, the absence was total. But then, there were the other times when his presence was total, too. The net effect is more like the relational equivalent of manic depression--the troughs are deep and worse than typical, but the peaks are high and much better than typical. I am not sure that I would have traded the awesome and wonderful man who raised me for a steadier, more consistent but blander model, if you see what I mean.

Plenty of faults, but a man I admire intensely. The world was better for his being in it.

Adamantium, I suspect your dad is smiling somewhere...while I would like to be a perfect parent, I think what would mean the most to me in the end is that my kids embrace me totally--the good and the bad--and admire me and remember me for the good parts instead of holding tightly to the bad. I think I'd actually rather have them say "she had flaws, but I'd never trade her and think she was awesome the way she was" instead of "she was perfect."

Who is the "Us" in the title?
ASD parents?
NT parents?
Adult NT offspring?
Adult ASD offspring?

Hi,

I didn't read through all the replies, so please forgive if someone has already said this.

Everything you've said about your dad is consistent with what I know about autism/Asperger's. But that does not mean that Asperger's parents are necessarily cold or distant. The way you've described him, it sounds like he was emotionally abusive, and that is not related to Asperger's. Please excuse the harshness of how that sounds, but both his behavior and your attempts to explain it are consistent with this.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter WHY your dad behaved as he did. What counts is how you make sense of the experience. He may have been alternately distant and enraged, with periods of engagement, but it's important that you realize 1) that was about him, his issues and his problems, and 2) you can't change him, please him, or gain his affection. Sadly, you are only hurting yourself by continuing to try.

What would happen if you were to back off and try not to care what he thinks? Easier said than done, for sure. Again, I hope this isn't too shocking but sometimes it helps to give it a name.

I agree. OP's father certainly sounds emotionally abusive. Although, sometimes I wonder if my own words could be misconstrued to my son as the listener. For example, I hope when I tell him, "If you really want to be a doctor [his own stated goal!] you have to study hard and do well in school, (not play iPad all day)" he doesn't have his own internal narrative telling him that what I'm really saying he's a lazy turd--because sometimes his reaction toward me indicates that could be!

I know as a child that I used to interpret things negatively, but I still don't know if it was because they WERE negative or because I just perceived them to be. I still grapple with that in therapy, sigh. I just hope my son doesn't view me like I viewed my (thankfully non-biological) mother. That would be a tragedy of epic proportions!