Frustrated at my sons lack of interest in basic hygiene

Post Reply New Topic

Good morning.. I'm so frazzled with my son and his hygiene... He is 13 so lots of things are changing. He has the start of oily skin and pimples, he has to wear deodorant, but not just that going back to basics, he doesn't like to use body wash or shampoo. He doesn't like to brush his teeth. I'm aware some boys go through this stage but now he has neglected some of these things so much it's becoming a health issue. I hate the idea he won't use body wash, or soap we've tried every kind out there, but since he goes in the shower and rinses I settle for well at least he rinses off, now that he's 13 and gets stinky this is no longer good enough. What started everything this morning was his lips. It just about looks like someone split his bottom lip open. Now I'll give him this, it's been a long cold winter and everyone's lips get a little chapped, and he does seem to have sensitive skin. He picks the skin off so badly, I have him put aquaphora on it every couple hours but he just won't leave it alone. So after doing that I remind him to put deodorant on and he goes in and out of the bathroom in 2 seconds. Did you put it on I asked and he says yeah. I go check and the protective seal is still on... So he's like oh I just take that on and off each time.... Then as we are talking I notice he has horrible morning breathe so I ask to see his teeth. They are covered in plaque and I know from our previous dentist visits he does a bad job brushing. He is13 though now, it's not right for me to brush his teeth anymore or wash him in the shower, he is fully capable. I maybe shouldn't have but I told him look your not doing it right, give me your tooth brush and let me show you. We were at the dentist only a couple months ago and his teeth are so junky looking from plaque. He has a very nice oral b power spin brush from costco he isn't capable of doing a good job with Manuel toothbrushes. So we go over the process again as I'm telling him not to drink all the toothpaste water he does. He pretended to spit it out at the end for my sake and all that was in the sink was blood, I was very gentle, his gums are being neglected that's why they were bloody. I told him not only is it a matter of your health first and foremost, and you only get one body in this life, but people will not want to talk to you and be friends with you or even not want to hire you or date you when the time comes if you stink and have bad hygiene. He was late leaving for school so he kept saying okay okay. In his shoes I'm sure I would have been the same way it's awkward, he was under fire from mom in a big way, and he was late. How far is this going to go? I mean I'm scared he's gonna need dentures in a few years or something I don't know. And what if his lip gets infected? Also the other day he was like mom my glasses are hurting my ear.. So I was thinking time to go in for an adjustment. No, we were way past that, the plastic going over his ear was cracked and catching his ear. He didn't say anything until it was really bad and he was actually causing a wound almost like starting to slice his own ear off. So he's taking a break from glasses until it heals and he can wear his back up pair. I told him you need to pay attention to this stuff and if something's bothering you, please, please please, say something. You don't have to suffer. He takes it so lightly, and it's troubling me so much because it's affecting his health, yet he's old enough now he should be doing it on his own,and it's almost demeaning for him when his dad and or I talk to him about the right way or try to show him again. His younger brother is 8 now and I need to try to go back to working after staying home to be with the kids for 13 years it's been a hard financial sacrifice but I'm scared to try and force him to become more independent after school and stuff coming home and doing what he's supposed to do, if he won't even take care of these basic things. I'm terrified he will need to start shaving soon lol. Ah well Rome wasn't built in a day right? Anyone else coping with this? Any tips?

Tangential remark: I found this post very hard to red because it is such a dense block of type. Reading it is like trying to take a sip from a firehose, for me. I am taking the liberty of reformatting it into smaller chunks so I can read it.

Apologies if you find this handling of your post offensive, I really have to do it in order to read it!

I am big on bribes too. No one does anything they don't KNOW is in their best interest for whatever reason. Give him an interest.

Lol sorry, I was so upset when I wrote this it all came out in one great big burst. No offense taken!
I will continue to keep telling him this stuff, I wish I can stumble on the right way to get through to him and get him to do even a little better. I'm worried it's going to have bad consequences on his health. Never mind even how hard high school is going to be on him with these problems.

High school was helpful for me, because my sex drive kicked in with awesome power.

So I learned to shower and do laundry because... Girls!

If you are smelly and gross, no one will want to be around you. But if you are clean...

Let me get some soap!

I would tell him if he doesn't use the soap I'm going to come in there and wash him myself.
The only way I can get my son to do many things is by making the alternative mortifying.

Yippy lol... I might have to do that, I don't want to mess him up with evil memories of his mom washing him though. I could put both of us in therapy lol. If ultimately that's what it takes I'm going to do it I guess. I just don't think it's healthy. He understands and is capable of doing it right himself, that's what's getting me. What if he is so lazy he just likes the idea of a " mom servant" doing it for him?

I'm still not that great with hygiene but I definitely use to be worse! I didn't see the importance of hygiene until at 15 I broke out with horrible painful cystic acne and that was when I sought remedies and realized that only washing my face every few days was bad and only changing my pillow case once a year was bad. You'd think that would be obvious but to me it wasn't. After the painful acne I started washing my face everyday and changing my pillow case frequently.

I think bribery would work on me too but my parents haven't tried that on me. But if they asked me to brush my teeth and in return they'd buy me something cool or just hang out with me, I'd definitely brush my teeth.

I think your sons lip problem is due to stress and anxiety. I constantly bite my bottom lip due to anxiety and it will bleed once in a while. My lip looks better on the days where I'm less stressed and I'm just relaxing at home doing my special interests.

Soccer your right about the anxiety. This is his latest fancy list of labels: anxiety state, unspecified, ADHD, other specified pervasive developmental disorders, current or active state, autism spectrum disorder, tic disorder, excoriation. We get a list printed out each time we go. I thought you weren't supposed to use the term pdd anymore? Whatever, he has an iep at school, he's on the honor roll, and we just take it one day at a time. The picking of the lip has to do with anxiety and excoriation I know. It's hard to accept well nothing can be done. Along with his other hygiene stuff it's just not a good thing, and I'm not sure how to keep working on getting him to quit it.

You can't make someone care about something they simply don't, but that doesn't mean you stop trying.

And it isn't just Aspie boys at 13; it is almost all of them. Once they get away from their parents camping, they let it all go.

We've done multiple things, in combination:

1. Explain. ie how some of these things are PERMANENTLY affecting his health. Failing to brush teeth means gingivitis and eventually LOSING them. THAT my son cares about. When he actually manages to think about it.

2. Eliminate variables. Make sure all sensory issues have been properly dealt with. I think common sensory issues with teeth brushing have been dealt with in multiple threads.

3. Remind. Be specific: "make sure you have deodorant on." Yelling through the bathroom door, "remember the soap!" I stopped phrasing it as a question to avoid my son being tempted to lie. I simply provide the reminder. And make sure we don't get so timed rushed he doesn't feel he has time to honor it. I wouldn't be nasty about it, just consistent, matter of fact, and persistent.

4. Enforce. He may be old enough to do it for himself, but he isn't doing it. So, yes, I sometimes still brushed my son's teeth when he was 12 or 13. It made a point: "I consider this so important that if you won't do it, I will." And while I didn't consider it appropriate to enter the shower or apply the deodorant, I would state it when I noticed he hadn't used them and refuse to be too close to him, or take him anywhere public (except school, if there was no time to fix it; I would just point out that he was not doing himself any social favors going to school and offending the other student's noses).

5. Discuss. My son had a lot of trouble accepting that he had to care because others can't stand the smell. He saw it as the job of others to accept natural smells and conditions, since they didn't bother him. We went into long talks about sensory things affect people even if they are not AS (smell can literally make some nauseous), how not following the rules affects outcomes in life, and so on. You have to find a hook they care about.

Realistically, outside of the medical issues involved with teeth, my son has a point: we've trained ourselves to be offended by body smells. To him, the logic for covering that up just isn't there. BUT, he did get a lot more receptive to our reminders when he developed some interest in dating. Still, this really isn't as simple as deciding your son is old enough and therefore he will do it. He does not and will not see it the same way you do. So drop the pride and just do what you think has to be done.

Pick your battles carefully, of course. There are only so many things you can give this level of attention to.

.

Three thoughts:

1. Have you asked why he doesn't wash, etc,? I'm thinking it might relate to sensory issues. You cant solve a problem you don't understand!

2. Is there a brother, male cousin, 'cool uncle' (apologies for that lame term, but I hope you get my point) or other peer who could bring it up? He might be more swayed by them, especially if he looks up to them.

3. If he is very rule-/routine-driven, he might need help to transition to a new hygiene regimen routine.

Dw a Mom, we've been doing mostly all of that, and it's good advise we will continue to do it until it sinks in. I will plan on just getting stricter on checking every time for awhile. He used to come out of the shower trying to claim he was clean with dry hair lol...I will revisit on exactly how to do all this stuff again and if I'm even so much as wondering if he didn't do it cause it doesn't seem right he'll have to do it again. It's so hard to be repetitive with this stuff at his age when , I know he is capable, he just doesn't care, it's affecting his health and he doesn't care about the health aspect,it's awkward and embarrassing for him and me, at this age too have to talk about it. He was through a ton of sensory screening and stuff in 1st grade with a OT and they felt he was fine. I get how that could be an issue for some but I really don't think it's an issue for him. I realize a lot of time has past since first grade but we also cannot afford OT therapist at this time. I doubt the school would be able to help out with any of their OTs on this particular matter. I will ask him though again, if he needs different shower scrubbies or if he can manage with his hands, and if he needs other kinds of soaps, shampoos, deodorants, and toothpastes.

Will he do baths? I know he is probably to old to splash around and have fun, but sometimes showers feel like falling needles. Baths are not as cleansing as showers b/c you sit in it and all, but if it better from a sensory perspective, it might get done more often.

Curiosity. Does he like swimming? Swimming in a pool every day or two or three would kill most bacteria.