Any problems with my life?

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Hello all,

I am a teenage boy who has ADHD, OCD, Anxiety, Asperger's, & Tourette Syndrome. I have been having a lot of issues with my life and I don't know if they are a result of these disorders. But first I need to give a brief story of my life.

I was born 15 years ago to two Indian (from india) immigrant psychiatrists. In my childhood, my parents would work 9-10 hour days, so they left me with an overprotective, extremely conservative, strict, controlling, and manipulative nanny. She took care of me from when I was 6 months old to when I was 13. I was afraid of her, as she was very emotionally abusive and bullying to me. She didn't believe in mental disorders except for Tourettes. She said I was lazy and I would never be successful in life. She also convinced my parents to not let me watch Rugrats, because it was apparently "inapropriate." When I was with her, usually from 3-6:30 PM, I was not allowed to watch any TV, or even call my parents. I felt lonely, scared, and didn't feel at home. My parents never believed me about what I had to say about her. They always believed her side of the story. She destroyed my confidence and my sense of self determination in life. As for when I was in school, I was bullied on the bus due to my tics, and the kids in my class didn't understand much either (although they were much more tolerant than other kids). I had little close friends during elementary school. In 4th grade my parents then switched me from public school to private school, and I was held back despite having an above average IQ and being in Johns Hopkins' CTY program. When I entered private school I found out I had Tourettes and ADHD, which was diagnosed a few years back. I wasn't too mad at my parents at the time. I struggled with social skills and impulse control . I did have a couple good friends who I am still friends with today. Anyways, this year, 8th grade, has been so bad for me. People, even my friends find me annoying for no reason. I have probably been to 4-5 social skills groups in my life and that didn't seem to help. People avoided me and I felt isolated from the rest of the world. I was made fun of for taking longer to do hw and not having "focus." People think I am very lazy. In addition, I only found out I have Asperger's a couple months ago, and my parents excuse for not telling me is that they don't believe in diagnotic labels. People always find some way to bring me down for some reason. I was made fun of for my persiverative food interests made mainly of McDonald's, Burger King, and frozen food. I am not obese, but less athletic than most obese children due to my past diet. As a result I am out of shape and do not have the determination to get healthy and have a normal running speed or muscle endurance. Most of my days are spent listening to music in a rocking chair and imagining I am already in adulthood, where most people say life gets better. I used to have three therapy appointments a week, but my parents don't like the frequency of appointments, and my social skills group ended. For some reason I hate homemade food as it makes me through up, and outside/restaurant food makes me high. I am so irritable and sleepless these days I never talk to my family and just soend the whole day in my room. In addition, I have these strange mania episodes when my ADHD meds wear off. I secretly suspect that the meds make me high. I do not relate well to people or trust anyone. I feel I am on a very wrong track that needs to be reversed. Help!!

I am very sorry. That nanny in particular sounds really awful, and it is awful if your parents do not listen to you.

Normally, I would try to help you word thing so that maybe your parents would understand how you feel. It may also be that if their communication style does not fit in well with yours, that they do not understand how you feel about things.

It is not uncommon for meds to have all sorts of side effects. Do you trust the doctor that your parents have chosen for you? If you told your parents and the doctor about not being sure that your current med combo is a good fit for you, how do you think they would react?

As far as the food thing, do you eat very different types of food in restaurants than you do at home? There are people who say they have reactions to certain foods. Maybe the foods in restaurants (depending on what kind of restaurant) have more preservatives than homemade food? Not sure why the homemade food makes you throw up. Have you tried just eating more simple foods at home to try to isolate what is making you ill?

I will ponder more on this...

It won't.

Why is this posted under Parents' Discussion?

Cmon, give the kid a break!

It certainly got better for me once I became an adult.

Smenon: what are your favorite things to do?

My heart literally breaks reading your post. Sometimes parents have the very vest of intentions, but if they don't SEE, then they can't figure out how to do the best by their children, and it sounds like there is a lot that your parents have not and are not seeing.

You need to talk to them; share all this. In a way that they will understand. Which is, unfortunately, something I don't know how to help you with from here.

Have there been any teachers or counselors at school that you feel some connection with? That might be able to help you navigate where to go from here?

A few specific things I want to mention, as well.

1. YOU ARE NOT LAZY. That is a common and incorrect assumption made about children with Aspergers, because when it is obvious a child is smart, it becomes impossible for the adults to understand how the child cannot accomplish certain simple tasks, or get overwhelmed by ordinary assignments. Yet Aspergers is a condition of gifts and burdens, and the burdens can come in unexpected (to those without experience in ASD) places. Sitting down and getting to task IS more difficult for you, and you need help with work-around strategies to overcome it.

2. Your physical issues may well stem from a lot more than poor eating habits. For many ASD kids, poor coordination and muscle tone are comorbid to their ASD.

3. The reason you can't digest certain foods may simply be that your stomach is not used to them. Your doctor should be able to help you determine a way to transition to healthier eating. Food has a lot to do not only with our weight and physical health, but also our energy, focus, and ability to function.

I have so many ideas for you, but without the assistance, support and understanding of adults who are actually involved in your life, I don't know how to work them out. When it comes to growing up with ASD, it truly takes a village, and as a parent I am very grateful for the help I've gotten from our local community. You need people to see things differently than most people do, and to function as a bridge for you so that the world around you can understand your needs. It does not sound like you have gotten that very often, although there surely have been some people who have cared and had insight or you would not have gotten the ASD diagnosis to start with.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 06 Jun 2014, 5:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Both my kids (one NT age 11, one ASD age 13) have ADHD. There can be a bit of a rebound affect when the medication wears off in the afternoon/evening. In our family, we've addressed this with medication tweaks, and it helped somewhat. But it is still somewhat there.

Thank you all for your answers. I feel that my parents do have most of my interests at heart, but sometimes have trouble understanding me. Good news is, they are getting better at it. Thank you dw mom for the food advice. And kraftiekortie, my interests are cars and software engineering. As for the med issues, my doctor fixed those so I don't experience as much of those side effects.

Thank you all

Thank you all for your answers. I feel that my parents do have most of my interests at heart, but sometimes have trouble understanding me. Good news is, they are getting better at it. Thank you dw mom for the food advice. And kraftiekortie, my interests are cars and software engineering. As for the med issues, my doctor fixed those so I don't experience as much of those side effects.

Thank you all

I am so sorry you are having a hard time and that your parents aren't giving you the support you need. If it's any help, middle school is the worst for a lot of kids on the spectrum. High school may be bad, but you usually have a bit more independence by that time.

What are your parents like? Do they try to ask you questions about what you're feeling, or did they do that when you were younger? I'm wondering how you can share your feelings with them. One possibility is to do it in writing. You're very articulate in that form, and you (like many people I know) may find it is easier to do in that way rather than in a discussion. When people talk they can sidetrack or question or debate instead of listening.

I also wonder about a teacher or counsellor. As DW_A mom suggested, it can be helpful to have someone else to talk to. In some cases it helps to have someone like that there when you are talking to your parents. It should be someone who understands your learning and thinking style, to explain that you are not lazy and not trying to be difficult.

It may be that you have to build a healthy identity from scratch, which is not easy. I hate to see young people struggle when they don't have parents to give them the support they need, but I've seen a lot of adults who once struggled and are now happy and leading good lives.

Hang in there!
J.

I am going to leave all the advice for the ASD parents who have been through what you have. I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry you have had to go through this. You come off as an amazingly articulate and self aware you man. I would be very proud for my son to be as well spoken, kind hearted and self aware at 15. I had a good friend w tics in HS. It was rough on him in elementary and middle school, but got better and better the older he got. We met in speech and debate and it didn't keep him from being a great debater or eventually meeting people who didn't care about the tics.

People are telling the truth about it getting better. You just need to get the support you deserve now to help you through the next few years.

The only piece of advice I would give, is if you are having a hard time getting through to your parents, you might consider writing it down. I could not imagine any decent parent not responding to what your are writing. It is a struggle for many people, ASD or NT with spoken words with sensitive subject. You luckily are blessed with a great writing voice, that comes off very mature and considerate.

Ironic.

It seems like you're pretty miserable. That's a lot of labels for one person to carry, and with so many diagnoses I can imagine you may be feeling pretty hopeless at this point. I also get the sense that you feel like you're on your own. At 15, you're in that middle phase of being nearly a child and nearly an adult. You're right that some things in adulthood are easier. Mainly choices. Adults can choose a lof of aspects of their lives (such as diet), but they also have more responsibilities. One of the difficult things that changes in adulthood is that most people move away from figuring out who and what to blame for their problems and start taking personal responsibility for changing them. This is just because as adults we start realizing that no-one is going to fix our lives for us, and so we have to do it ourselves. Unfortunately, at 15, it seems that you've already started to learn that lesson the hard way.

If you're here for social support because you've had it rough and no-one seemed to care, then you've got it. I'm certainly sorry you went through that. On the other hand, if you want to start changing things, it would be more helpful to start thinking about what you could be doing differently. I really don't know the answer to that, but I'll put it to you. If you could take one little thing about your life and change it, what would it be? How could you go about making those changes yourself, without relying on your parents, or nanny, or teachers or therapists? I imagine that you must be feeling pretty overwhelmed, but it can be helpful to just try to focus...try changing one thing at a time, until you start feeling more confident. And no matter how hopeless you feel, just remember that everything is temporary. Situations change, people mature, and things that used to be awful at the time become memories.

Absolutely the best advice.

It's also very important to realize that your parents can't provide a way of being and living for you. This is something each of us has to do for ourselves and it is often difficult and scary, but then you get to the other side and the old challenges fade and new ones emerge to take your attention. And experience really does make some things go better. You may not ever change in any of your fundamental ways of being, but as you live, you have more familiarity with different kinds of situation and the general parameters of what those things will present to you--and, if you are at all like me, just having that awareness is much better than going into the totally unknown. When you are young so many situations are your first experience of their kind. That is uncomfortable but it does change. This is part of what people take for the wisdom of experience.

I wish you the best of luck in meeting the challenges of becoming an adult. Life can be really great, and it can be scary and hurt like hell, but don't take the bad stuff too seriously.