My kid expects too much from me

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Bold title, I know.
My seven year old (Aspie and tourettes) has always kept his meltdowns and bad moods for me. I know this is a sign he feels most confortable with me. But it goes to the extent that I would for example pick him up from school or his dad and he is super happy, only to become angry an hour later over something trivial (and yes, it really is trivial, not something I missed). He actively searches for reasons to become angry, and you can almost 'read' his face when something happens that might give him a motive for getting upset with me. Just know he got angry because I asked for my blanket that he had put somewhere.

Anything that goes even remotely wrong, is off course my fault. This leads to him constantly whining and telling me what I should and should not have done. And then constantly having to answer to that 'no,this is not my fault, and you are not in the position to tell me what I should or should not do'. Which will make him angry.

If he is in another room, he will just keep on talking to me as if I have superhero hearing. I tell him every day at least five times I can't hear through the walls. I hung up a picto. Doens't work. I have to either ignore him, which will make him angry, or yell 'I'm in the kitchen' while trying to attempt cooking. Which will make him angry as well.

Every guiding or restricting I do, everytime I have to say 'you can't do that' or 'you need to do this', *however I put it*, is 'always' taken in the worst way. I've explained him so many times that as his mom, I need to do this thing called parenting, which involves guiding and restricting, but it doesn't matter. 'You're being annoying', he then says.

He told me he would rather that I was his sister or friend. I understand, but I'm not and he needs to get over this. I just don't know how to help him with that. This has been a problem for a very long time, and he doesn't seem to outgrow it.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My son, six years and Aspie, is exactly the same.
Its all ok till I pick him up from Kindergarten. Within minutes when we arrived home he sure find something that went wrong or he forgot to do and its always my fault.
I have a strategy to deal with it without going mad myself. I agree on everything he says as if I was the one who made him not playing with the relevant toy back in kindergarten or made him not see the car that drove by to fast for him to see. Then I have to appologize and promise never ever to do it again. Lots. About 20 times. Then he keeps on crying for a while, sometimes holding my hand or I just have to stay in the same room. And after thats its ok and he starts playing like it never happened. It takes about 15 min up to 1 hour depending on his day. Like he is working through all the stress he had, feeling free to carry on with the remaining day only when he had done that.
I dont know how this looks like from a pedagogic point of view. I tried everything else that was suggested to me. Like, discuss the matter, leave him alone to cool down, etc. Everything seems to make it worse. I myself think I am in the spectrum too, sometimes I deal differently with thinks.
I have to add that he is experiences the same difficulties that I have had when I was his age. My parents chose to ignore it and just left me alone with it. I always wanted to have company but not beeing touched while I was crying. I dont know if that makes sense for you
I dont know if this helps you. Its just what works for us.

I am 18 and I still do this and, unfortunately, my parents still try to "restrict" me. Humbug!

We went through a lot of this. Things are so much better now. There are some fundamental issues your child has to get to a point of understanding. We tried to put as much of this into terms we knew he understood, relating to special interest or characters he knew from PBS, or books.

Our analogy to thinking you can hear him across the house was our son thinking we could read his mind. There is a PBS Kids character called The Hacker on a math show he likes. So, we told him we cannot hack his brain, and he started to understand. There has to be cognitive readiness and a "hook" for us to get certain points across, but at almost 9, we have made a ton of progress. At your son's age, we had a lot more issues. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

In addition, many kids on the spectrum have catastrophic thinking and something in their brains search for the worst case scenario. We had a lot of that as well. We just kept pointing out the cognitive distortions, telling him when he was being illogical and explaining why. I would not recommend it in the middle of a meltdown; though we have done it when he would insist on a response.

It tends to go round and round during a meltdown, so we have generally tried to defer the discussion until he is calmer and less prone to perseveration. We have made progress in this as well. It is not nearly as bad, now. It worsens with stress, and we have also reduced stress levels, which has helped.

Kids on the spectrum tend to have poor theory of mind, and yes, they don't know what is reasonable to expect. It is best to handle it intellectually and tell them what is realistic and what is not. Eventually, when their logic kicks in, it helps a lot. The groundwork laid starts to seep in, it clicks, and it becomes more manageable.

Thanks for your feedback.
I'll try focussing on the cognitive approach more, and be more acceptive of his way to deal with everything. It just scares me that he has these emotional issues as well, which aren't meltdowns. I know them all too well. It seems like he expects me to make the world 'ok' for him, even defy the laws of physics. I want to help him, but I think there is a part I simply cannot fix. Like having to do things he really doens't want to. This seems like something every kid needs to go through, but the neurological differences just makes it harder. I think he got to an age where he is very aware of that, but he's not mature enough to really comprehend the complexity of it. And he's expecting me to make all of that easier or even make it go away. New life phase, for me as well.
Again, thanks, as always.

He may want you to understand when he is upset that he is, rather than always expecting you to fix it. Some complaints are looking for support and explanation, some are looking for someone to fix things. And as you say not everything can be fixed.

My daughter kept asking me to fix and I've finally realized sometimes the fix is telling her I understand, some things really aren't fair or right, and I tell her I get it and she is calmer.

I think this is one area where having an aspie parent can be a benefit. I'm quite blunt, and I don't have the patience to deal with a lot of bad behavior. If DS gets in a cranky mood with me, I ship him off to his room until he's done being obnoxious (I let him decide when that is). It's the most calming thing for both of us, and he usually re-emerges a while later to show me some Lego thing he's built, having completely forgotten whatever it is he was crabby about. And then we both go on as if nothing happened.

I think you should stop explaining about the parenting and just make him do what you say and make it clear that constant whining and anger is not acceptable to you, otherwise he will not learn. Don't let him control you.

Remember, as well, that after trying so hard to keep everything together all day, he finally feels safe to let go and not be on his best behaviour with you when he gets home. Life in general and groups/school in particular can be overwhelming for kids on the spectrum. We usually just say "I'm sorry that happened," and "it sounds like you had a really bad day," or, when applicable, "that seems unfair." Then, when things ease up a bit ask our daughter what she would like to do, what would make her happy, etc. It's also important to give them a chance to get what they need, whether it's food (especially protein), exercise, or quiet alone time.
J.

Thanks people, great advice.

been thru the same and go thru the same, you aren't alone. I have books that explain expected and unexpected behavior, and we go over it often. Then I tell him what is expected of ME, and what is expected of him. when he reacts by yelling, exploding, demanding, etc...I point out how his response was unexpected for the situation. "That scream would be ok if the house was on fire, if you were severely injured, or in great danger. it is unexpected to scream when I ask you to brush your teeth. What IS expected is that you might sigh or complain a bit because you don't want to get up, but then you are expected to get up and go brush your teeth." OMG its soooo exhausting and repetitive, but at almost 9, he is JUUUUUST starting to get it.

hang in there.

Books are super flex and the unthinkables, we even have the poster hanging up so he can refer to it in the house.

I think you sound like a great parent. I wouldn't change a thing if I were you. My mom always tried to be my "friend" and gave me bad advice on things and lied to me. I made a point of only doing what I knew was best for my kids and being very honest with them. For instance, I made sure they ate healthier food than I did while they were growing up. They weren't happy about this until they grew up and now they eat that way voluntarily. I never cared if they were happy with me as long as I was sure I was doing the right thing. Approval is not the point. Being the best parent you can and guiding the child with your actions is the most important point. One day your child may thank you, many years later, but by then you'll be busy catching up on all the things you want to do with your life once he's grown up and at that point, you'll be glad he got the point, but you'll be busy focusing on yourself for a change, which will be great because you'll deserve that after all your hard work!

MMJMOM, thanks for the tip, that books looks interesting! Will check it out. It would be a good follow-up to the conversation I had with him just yesterday, about what I expect from him, e.g. 'When I tell you you need to do something, and you feel I'm being annoying, it's acceptable to tell me in a calm way and explain why, but it is not acceptable to yell at me, run away and slam the door.' He didn't take it too well, but, well, no buts, I guess .

Devin12, thanks . Making 'doing the right thing' a priority over weither or not my kid is 'happy with me' is a great thing to keep in mind when I'm struggling with this. And btw, I'm with you on the food. I'm pretty strict when it comes to food, but I also explain why. I see too many kids walking home from school with a big pack of potatoe chips, or drinking sugary sodas with no limit. I'm trying to get him excited about cooking too, he would be great at it - he has such an eye for detail, and a grown-up taste. Told him he could invent new dishes, he got excited about that. So far he's got 'the hand'- which exists of a hamburger and five saussages; and 'the appartment': a layered pile of chocolate, ice cream and sweets. I'll propose more healthy ingredients .

All kids expect a lot from their mom, in particular, but ASD children have such extreme reactions that it can be quite trying and taxing. Garrett, who is now 22 used to have routine meltdowns, in particular when I picked him up from school, or at the end of an event, or with a sudden change in routine, etc. It is like he would let out a HUGE sigh, but it would come out in a major meltdown instead. I learned to reflect his affect (feelings), rather than argue with his perspective, and try to help him develop a more self reflective capacity and theory of mind. Helping him to understand himself helped him to understand others. And then of course there would be a time to end the meltdown. I hear you, I understand you feel...whatever, and now it is time to stop. Yes, it is exhausting and overwhelming because they dump their feelings of being overwhelmed onto us to be their container - to hold what they are unable to hold. The more they are able to regulate their own emotions, the less they will need you to do it for them.

Hang in there. It can be a bumpy ride.