12 yr. old DD actively choosing not to talk to other kids

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My 12 year old Aspie daughter finally revealed in therapy last week that she actively chooses not to talk to other students at school so that she isn't put into a position where she may be aggressive. Proud of her on one hand that she recognizes the fact that she is quick to anger and this is one of her coping mechanisms to avoid confrontation but sad that it is just one more step towards an increasing introversion she has been progressing towards in the last year.

Anyone else experience this with their child? She does fine with adults and children 10 and under.

What is it about conversations with her peers that brings out her aggression? Do they make fun of her? Is she irritated by their choice of topics, or their lack of interest in and/or knowledge of the topics she enjoys? Perhaps she could be taught how to have more positive interactions.

I think the answer may be all of the above based on what I have seen over the last few years but those are all good areas of discussion I will make a point to discuss at the next session. Thanks!

I think it might help if she learns to manage her expectations. I grew up as a girl who loved (and still loves) sci-fi and fantasy. This was considered quite odd and not at all cool in those days. As a result, I had very little desire to interact with about 95% of other girls my age. I found it easier to socialize with "nerdy" boys, partly because they shared my interests, but also because their style of communication was more direct and less catty. Your daughter may need to get used to the idea that most girls her age will not be potential friends for her, and understand that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her or them. If she recognizes that, it may help her feel less frustrated or disappointed by interactions with them, and she may find she can more easily tolerate them without becoming aggressive. I really do find, to this day, that "tolerate" best describes my interactions with many people.

Wow, "tolerate" is definately a word I would use to describe what my DD seems to do on a daily basis with most people at school. I think she has already realized that most girls her age are of no interest to her. She seems very much like you so I appreciate the insight into her world.

I agree with Yippy Skippy on this. Being friends with boys was a much lower maintenance thing and I generally had more in common.

Has your daughter tried interacting with boys, before? I will tell you that if she has a boy friend (A boy that is a friend, not a boyfriend) from the earlier years, it helps. Once the kids start hitting puberty, it is trickier to send the right platonic signals, especially for an aspie. If she has a friend from the pre-puberty years, he can be a good conduit to making more platonic friends.

I am not saying it is impossible to make male friends at that age, at all, but you also have to start being aware that some confusion might result. I had some issues where I assumed I had a friend and the boy assumed it was something else, confusion resulted, and it was not necessarily pretty.

I had a good male friend throughout high school who I now know was completely in love with me. I was dimly aware at the time that he probably had some feelings for me, but it wasn't until much later that I realized how very (unintentionally) cruel I was to him. It still makes me sad, and I still miss him very much in a platonic way, but know we can not reasonably ever be close again.

She does get a long with boys better but has never had any close guy friends. There is one kid in her class who the teachers say sits and talks with her occassionally and he is a boy. He will also be in our group next week for the upcoming field trip I am chaperoning. My husband asked her about this boy and was playing with her asking if it was a "boy....friend..."? She looked at him like he was completely off his rocker.

Introversion isn't a bad thing.

I also have a DD on the spectrum - when she was in about 7th grade we were in her annual IEP meeting and under social skills the teacher had written "DD has social skills, she just chooses not to use them."

Much like you I was a bit concerned, but when I talked to her about it she confided that the other kids were just boring and she saw no reason to pretend that she liked them.

Having said that she did form some close friendships with 3 other students on the spectrum - they are still friends today - 4 years later.

I would suggest that your daughter seek out others on the spectrum to see if they are more interesting or tolerable than most of her peers.

I also have a DD on the spectrum - when she was in about 7th grade we were in her annual IEP meeting and under social skills the teacher had written "DD has social skills, she just chooses not to use them."

Much like you I was a bit concerned, but when I talked to her about it she confided that the other kids were just boring and she saw no reason to pretend that she liked them.

Having said that she did form some close friendships with 3 other students on the spectrum - they are still friends today - 4 years later.

I would suggest that your daughter seek out others on the spectrum to see if they are more interesting or tolerable than most of her peers.