Is this my fault?

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My daughter is 4, and diagnosed with autism. She is non-verbal, has meltdowns where she hurts herself almost daily, and has dyspraxia (limited fine motor, can't color, etc. can't bend over or plan actions, runs into things, falls over a lot).

I have descended into immense sadness as I wonder if this was caused by something I did.

I feel incompetent to advocate alone all the time. I feel incompetent to use AAC, and teach myself how to do all of that. If at all possible to get services now to do that, there's waiting lists everywhere, and it would be a min. of 6 months, optimistically. She is in a DOE preschool I feel is rather incompetent as well.

Sometimes it's too much for me. To be everything and do this alone.

I would like to know how other moms coped with this feeling, this gut feeling, despite knowledge of genetics and neurology, that this was something I did to cause my baby to become like this? I accept her, and I love her. What makes me sad is how she hurts herself. I do not want her to suffer because she has communication issues. Sometimes the issue is she can't understand me, like why it's not safe to bolt out into traffic. (--.--)

Specifically regarding taking blame, I just don't. Like you, I'm sure, I did the best I could to care for my child during pregnancy and when she was an infant. I can think of things to blame if I try, but none of it quite fits anyway, so why hold the blame? I was on antibiotics a lot (like continuously) during her infancy, and that messes up guts of course, but it wasn't avoidable. I did the best I could. I was exposed to different toxins in my work years before getting pregnant, but it supposedly only really matters during pregnancy and I was as careful as could be in my work, so again, I did the best I could. I spent long hours driving to work on congested freeways during pregnancy, but I moved away from the freeway and changed my air filter in the car. I did the best I could. I was under a lot of stress in my pregnancy, too, but I sought help and did the best I could. Now here's where I have an "advantage" on the blame game: my daughter with ASD has a typically-developing twin. It's perhaps then easier for me to recognize that the combination of factors, the causes of potential increases in susceptibility of developing autism, it's just out of our control. It sounds like there are so many other stressors for you - safety, finding an appropriate preschool, learning how to advocate - that taking the blame must be lost. I hope you're able to find a way to recognize that you've done the best you can with what you know.

NOBODY would knowingly and willingly do that to their child.

NOBODY would knowingly and willingly do that to THEMSELVES. Of course you love her, but-- if you could have done something, or not done something, and given yourself the often "easier" and definitely less lonely road of raising a typical kid, you would have done it (or not done it).

End of blame game, right there. At least, to me. Of course, this is high-functioning autism talking, so what works for me isn't necessarily going to work for you.

There is much we do not know. Genetics, environment, gut bacteria, susceptibilities, some other factors to be named later... There is so much we don't know.

Blaming yourself is depression talking. It probably isn't going to shut up, but don't let it win. Don't let it win.

**big fat annoying Aspie hugs**

Short answer: no.

Slightly longer answer: You are understandably overwhelmed and understandably anxious, sad, and angry that your daughter is hurt. Since you don't have anywhere to put all those feelings, you are putting them on yourself. It will take a conscious effort on your part to sit with the feelings about this situation sucking, and not to take them on.

Find support, here if you need to (by posting questions or even just requests for support like you just did) but in the real world if you can. I found a group near me by searching "autism" Meetup.com, but you can do just as well by googling "find an autism support group near you." Give yourself a break - remember that if you hired somebody to do what you're doing, it would take about 3 people working full-time.

Also, those waiting periods are shorter than you think: just call and get on a list. Ask them to call you if they have a cancellation for an earlier slot. Ask your preschool if they have any information about other services like respite care or home-based intervention.

Things will get better. Hang in there.

[quote="momsparky"]Short answer: no.

Slightly longer answer: ............

/quote]

Thank you, those are good ideas, and I am touched by you're other comments.

Another mom pointed this out to me - the fact that we are so ready to blame ourselves instead of any one else is just part of a mothers crazy love. We would rather it be us that screwed up or parented wrong or whatever if we thought for one second we could fix it.

I have also learned you can be sad about something but accept the situation and the joy in it at the same time. It is heartbreaking to not know how to help our kids and see them struggle. But we can at the same time accept them and enjoy fhe joyful moments of connection. Complex emotions, all rolled together.

I often have the fears come to the surface of what I could have changed. I was extremely ill in pregnancy and my organ systems almost shut down. I was on heavy meds and had issues getting adequate nutrition. I couldn't control that but it doesn't stop that dark place in my psyche from dragging it up all the time. But I can't change the past and I can't dwell on it. Neither can you. The feelings and thoughts may always be there but we can accept them and choose to live in the moment and do the best we can each day. (((Hugs)))

Have you ever drawn pictures for your daughter while talking to her?

Get a magnetic doodling board. Talk to her through her eyes, not through her ears. For situations that repeat more often, I draw pictures on blank index cards and put them into mini photo albums.

At least in my case, all my children's meltdowns went away that way. Visual communication was the key. And today they are as happy as children can be. Best of all, by drawing with speech bubbles, they also learned to read and learned to talk.

I am still building up my website, at a turtle's pace. But you can take a look at what's already there to get an idea. I use "stick figures," so that I can draw very fast whenever I talk to my children.

http://www.eikonabridge.com/

I talk to my children by drawing pictures. Especially when there are events (behavioral problems, for example.) Just two days ago, my son pushed my wife from behind. I am pretty sure he got that from school, when he played games with other boys. To him it was fun, but we were so concerned that he might do it to other children. So I grabbed the magnetic drawing board, drew a stick figure of my wife and another stick figure of my son pushing my wife from behind. Showed that to my son. Erased that frame. Drew the next frame of my wife falling down with a hurt face, drew my son with a surprised face, and drew a third stick figure of myself with an upset face. I told him something like "No no pushing." Wrote down "hurt" right next to Mami's stick figure, "surprised" next to my son's stick figure, and "mad" next to my own stick figure. Then I told my son: "Mami gets hurt, no no pushing." Then I asked my son: "Why no pushing?" and he would tell me: "Because Mami gets hurt." Then I repeated the entire exercise by drawing a little boy instead of my wife. And told my son that the little boy can get hurt and cry, and that Papa would get mad.

An example is mentioned in my book. Ivan threw tantrums at dinner time and did not want to get on the high chair. I'll make the story short here. I sensed that the tantrum had a different cause (you may call it sixth sense.) I asked my wife: "Did you lie to him recently?" My wife sighed: "Yes, I think I did." It turned out not to be a lie. It was a new school. Ivan woke up from nap in school and did not see my wife. My wife was still in school but in a different room. Ivan thought my wife played a trick on him, and cried very hard. So I told my wife: "you just accumulated a negative point in his ledger." That night at bedtime, I drew pictures for Ivan in the presence of my wife. Explained to him that Mami was still in school. I further explained to him that actually from now on, whenever he woke up, he can play with the teacher, then go to play in the playground, and then he'll have class (circle time) after playground, and that Mami will come to pick him up later (with stick figure of my wife driving a minivan to school.) I further made a card album (about 8 cards or so,) so my wife could carry the card album whenever she drops him at school. My wife would go through the frames of the album and explain to him, before she leaves school. The dinner time tantrum disappeared, and Ivan learned to stay in school without my wife, too. So, the dinner time tantrum had nothing to do with dinner time itself. By going to the root of the problem, I solved the communication problem. Furthermore, he understood that it was OK for him to be alone in school, because Mami would come to pick him up later. I did everything through pictures. Back then, Ivan was mostly non-verbal. (But he already could focus on pictures, instead of video clips.)

My experience is that by drawing pictures, you get much closer to these children's inner world.

I did, in both my pregnancies. HG is hell. I usually don't even mention the official name outside pregnancy and midwifery groups since most people don't know of it. I'm sorry you suffered it as well.

Good God, you're brave to go through that twice. I know what HG is-- haven't seen it, but memorized the entire "What Can Go Wrong" section of "What to Expect." Stupid girl that I am. You are really, really, really brave. I don't think I could have braved another pregnancy after going thru that once.

If you can do that, you can do this. If that thought helps, hang onto it.

Thanks, Elkonabridge