Aspie daughter was sexually abused by aspie boyfriend

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I am in a world of pain and guilt because my poor 14 year old daughter was forced to sexuallyl pleasure her boyfriend of two weeks, a boy she met in her aspergers class. For two weeks, she was pretending to be happy with this boy and really he was treating her like a porn star. I was so shocked when she divulged it last Friday after coming home from a Halloween party and she called me stupid for not knowing what he was doing to her. I really had not expected this at all because from what I had read in books and aspergers, it seemed that AS boys were delayed in this department. I thought he would be like my daughter who likes to hold hands or kiss a boy and that is all she was ready for.

It has been a miserable week of taking her to the hospital, family doctor, the police station, talking to child protection services and dealing with her school. The school has the boy suspended while the principal is doing some kind of investigation. We had to make the choice on whether to have the boy warned or charged and we were forced to say charged because the school could not assure me that he would be sent to another school. He has to do his investigation and present it to a review board that only meets twice a week and we had to decide by tomorrow what she wanted to do.

My daughter said to get him charged because she wants him away from her and we figure they will have to now, but she of course is worried about going to trial. Her main three witnesses that she told first at the party are all aspie and they will have to be interviewed now.

I am so anxious and worried and stressed at the whole thing. Everyone tells me that there is nothing I could have done to prevent it, but I still feel I should have done a better job of protecting her.

I am very sorry this happened to your daughter. She should not have blamed you for not knowing, but she is upset...and sometimes the blame game comes out inappropriately under duress, especially when a kid has little theory of mind..

Not all aspies are delayed in sexual interest (girls and boys) which can be a big issue b/c the developmental gap can be even greater than for NTs.

Even if you had known that, it would not mean that you would suspect her boyfriend would do something forceable. There is no way you could predict that, and aside from locking our kids up forever, there is no way to protect them from everything. Being overprotective can be bad also, and stiffling, so there is no right thing.

I second what ASDMommy says.

I'm really sorry your daughter had to be abused like that.

And, especially, having to go through this court crap.

I'll third what ASDMommy said. Other than to prejudge, which isn't a good choice, there really isn't any way to know.

At least she told you after just a couple of weeks. I safety-pinned my pants shut and kept my mouth shut for an entire school year.

I'm sorry you're going to have to go thought all the court crap. That's a massive pain. The lesson here: No matter how much you want to "be normal," no matter how much you want to fit in, sometimes it's easier to yell "NO!" and then punch the little cock-knocker in the teeth and walk away than to go along to get along and have to clean up the mess later.

There IS a time and a place for saying, "Stuff the social skills" and acting all autistic and be damned to 'em. That's one of them.

Two minors with a disorder that hinders communication. I think it will be very difficult to get a conviction.
I think a good portion of the blame lies with whoever was supposed to be supervising the party.
Sorry you are going through this.

triplemoon18, I am so very sorry. I couldn't imagine the guilt you felt esp after what she said. I am sure he was just hurt and lashed out at the safest place in the world, you. You could have done nothing to prevent it. I would have been happy to hear my child have a girl friend esp that was aspie at 14 and there was no reason to think sexual assault.

I know this ordeal must be a nightmare for her and you, but you are showing her that you value her and how to value herself. It shouldn't be a such a hard earned lesson, but it is very important for all girls in this world.

So sorry you're going through this. I hate to say this, but I think all boys should be seen as potentially predatory.

You know what makes me really, really angry about this. The fact that you HAVE to charge him.

I've always said that I would advise any girl I knew well in a situation like this NOT to press charges. Not because I don't think perpetrators should be punished or that this shouldn't be a reasonable option, but because I think it's the victim that often gets put through the grinder. And I do not trust the sensitivity of authorities enough to handle this sort of thing well and the social repercussions for the girl are often worse than those for the boy.

In my own family, one of my brother's friends raped a girl when she was passed out drunk in front of other people. Yes, there was a lack of supervision and that boy was badly raised (long backstory, but it is truly awful) but my own mother defended the boy "because he was drunk and lacked judgement" and attacked the girl because "she was drunk". My mom made a big point of trying to help him with money and legal assistance. Sickened me. I was made out to be bad because I wouldn't allow him at my wedding. My mother thought I was unforgiving and angry at the boy. Not so. That boy did nothing to me. His presence was a reminder of how diminished I felt as a young woman by her and my step-father's persistent defense of him and his behaviour. It made me feel anger at them.

I know for a fact that this girl was intimidated and bullied as his friends rallied round him. She eventually dropped the charges and they felt it was a vindication of his behaviour - that he was 'innocent'.

Anyway, I really hope that things have moved on in 20 years, but I've seen no evidence of this. And I profoundly hope that you don't experience anything like this.

The school should have a sufficient disciplinary procedure to do this without resorting to the law. Ughhh.

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support. My daughter called me from school today, supposedly about her worrying about a French quiz, but then she told me she was worried about having to go to trial. It is so stupid because she is supposed to not talk about the incident at school, so the teachers and her friends have to pretend nothing happened. Had I not had the foresight to email her aspergers teachers and her guidance counsellor, along with the the vice principal on Saturday, they might have no idea what was going on.

I had to reassure her that most cases don't go to trial and that they have her one hour video taped statement and he might plead guilty and do some diversion program like counselling. I am glad the school will be aware of what he is like now because he even assaulted her twice at school in the hallway when they were working together. On Monday, they told me that she could come to school because they would be watching her at all times - yeah right. I told them there was no way my daughter would feel comfortable attending school with that boy there.

He knew he was doing wrong because he would refer to "their dirty little secret" (after the first time) and he tried to make her feel that she was crazy for not eating and sleeping and she shouldn't attend this Halloween party that he had not been invited to. I am so glad that she did attend because after he constantly called her friend's cell phone, she got so upset she told three friends about what he had been doing to her for the past couple of weeks.

YippySkippy - We are not trying to go for a conviction - I just want to make sure he is away from my daughter and if he is charged, he will have release conditions to be 500 metres from her, so then he cannot attend the same school. I would be happy if it settles out of court, so I don't have to put my daughter through a trial. Also, she only told people what happened at the party - it had been going on for the past two weeks.

Elkclan - I had always thought that I would advise just counselling and to not go through the whole ordeal of a trial, but really we need to ensure that he is sent to another school. I cannot just take my daughter to another school because she needs to be in the aspergers program throughout high school. I also really want this boy's parents to know what he did and to supervise him with other girls from now on. And the school needs to watch him too.

I'm so sorry this happened, and I know there's no combination of words that could bring comfort in light of the situation.

Why is she not allowed to talk about it?

I am so, so, sorry to hear what happened. My heart is breaking for both of you.

Do you have an advocate from victim's services? Most court systems/police departments have them, they provide counseling and also walk you through the procedures so you know as much as possible.

triplemoon - absolutely no criticim of your decision just a) angry that you have to make it or b) angry that it should even be a dilemma.

The principal I can't stand told me to let her know she couldn't talk about it at school because of the police investigation. I think it is like being revictimized because she needs their support to get through this and how can she get it without talking about it? I am hoping that her Aspergers teacher secretly told the EAs about it.

I don't know if he will get convicted, as I don't believe the crown will want to have two autistic people on the stand. I do want him arrested and brought down for questionning because that should wake him up. His parents need to know and get him counselling. He may have done stuff to other girls because my daughter said he told her that girls have told him he was going too fast. After he made her do stuff the first time, he lectured her about how he will never be too pushy. It would be easier if I thought this boy was confused and didn't realize what he was doing, but he seems to have spent weeks manipulating my daughter. I am going to be so careful with her from now on.