How to handle son's separation anxiety?

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Let me preface this post by saying that my son is about 2 1/2 and believed to be on the autism spectrum (still working on diagnosis) as well as have sensory processing disorder. For as long as I can remember he's had really severe separation anxiety from my husband. Sometimes better than others but the last few weeks it's seemed to get pretty bad again. I think all the chaos of the holidays has thrown him off.

We put my son to bed in his room each night but he always sneaks into our bed a few hours later to sleep next to my husband. And when he gets up in the morning, my son will stand outside the bathroom crying. We can sometimes distract him with breakfast and his favorite cartoons or other times he just follows my husband around crying for attention. Usually more severe crying comes when it's time for my husband to actually leave for work. And then my son becomes very clingy when my husband gets home again.

If my son has the choice he will always go for his dad over me so I can't really help in distracting him. Are there any methods to help the both of them?

My daughter also deals with separation anxiety and since the holidays it has gotten worse (pretty normal considering the break in routine). She's a bit older and is high functioning so there are some things that we can do to help her soothe herself. When she was younger though there really wasn't anything we could do except be patient and rock her (rocking is her favorite stim). I would sing to her and we have always had some kind of chair that rocked. Other than that, she's gotten better as she's been able to understand time, how to make herself feel better, and the knowledge that we will come back.

Have you talked to his doctor about the separation anxiety? There is a good chance that a therapist or psychologist would be able to help.

A lot depends on your parenting style, but I just want to say that "sharing sleep" (having a family bed, mattress on your floor, lying down with your child, etc.) is not at all uncommon with 2.5 yr olds, on the spectrum or not. I belong to various attachment parenting groups, and most of us just go with it. I know a lot of others with kids on the spectrum who also do.
I did find that attachment is stronger, but different, with my dd on the spectrum than my other kids. I think it's perfectly normal for her to feel a bit insecure when she knows she can't always make herself understood or accepted with others. Besides, I worked really hard to develop strong ties with her because I knew that would help her and help our relationship. I have no regrets. I certainly don't regret the time I invested in her (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, gentle parenting etc.).

@mrscattymarie that makes me feel better that with age it could get better. We don't have a diagnosis yet (on a 6 month waiting list) but I suspect that he will be high functioning as well (he says a couple words, waves, points, has some eye contact, is super smart). Rocking works sometimes with him, sometimes nothing helps unless my husband has the time to sit down with him for a while. But like I said the issues we usually have with him about separation anxiety are when my husband doesn't have time to help him. Right now he's only in speech therapy and pediatric occupational therapy, they know about the separation anxiety.

@postcards57 We have to put him to bed in his own room at night or else it's impossible to get him to sleep. He gets over excited about being in our room for some reason and won't settle. And my younger son is still in a crib in our room so we can't have him being woken up. But my son usually sneaks in our room around midnight every night anyways and we let him sleep there. The issue is in the morning when my husband gets up for work it upsets my son that he can't go with him. I think he knows that when he sees him getting ready in the morning it means he's leaving. If we're lucky my son will sleep through the alarm and then we don't have any issues. If my husband is already gone when my son wakes up he doesn't get upset.

Yes. Go to local urban stores (e.g. Target/Walmart in USA) and office supply stores (Office Depot, Staples, Office Max) and get these two items: (a) 4x6 mini photo album (around 1 or 2 dollars), and (b) 4x6 blank index cards. Draw cartoon pictures (stick figures) and tell your son exactly what will happen. For instance, tell your son that Daddy needs to go to work, and that he will be back in the afternoon/evening. Tell your son what your son will be doing for the rest of the day while Daddy is away, too. Show the card album to your son before your husband leaves.

That was how we solved the separation anxiety of my wife leaving my son in preschool. Whenever she dropped him, she showed him the card album, reassuring him that Mommy will come back to pick him up, and telling him the activities he will be doing in school.

Another item that helps is to get a magnetic drawing board. Talk to your son every night at bedtime by drawing pictures for him. Essentially, do visual communication, on top of verbal communication.