How important are NT friends?

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Second that. If I could choose my kid's friends, I would make sure there are some non NT kids in his group of friends. It's one of the things I don't like about mainstreaming. He's always the odd one out.

As for the mom: I guess I can relate to what you said, she probably has good intentions. But it's mean nevertheless. 'Normal' friends I hope was not a quote. If so, shame on her.

One of my friends has a similar viewpoint and uses similar words, but his kid only just got diagnosed, so I'm thinking it's a fase in the acceptance process.

I don't think any friend should ever be taken for granted or discouraged unless you have a specific reason to believe they are a negative influence on your unique child.

If a parent wants their child to experience a broader spectrum of friendships, it is rude to do that at the expense of any of the existing friendships; the idea would be to broaden, not force shift.

My has had both NT and ASD friendships over the years, each working well in its own time and place. Some were more important to his social development than others; one actually cleared a sweet "can't tease this kid" path for him through out his school years (he was part of the inner circle of an extremely popular NT boy). But while I encouraged certain friendships through things like carpools and me making the effort to set up play dates, I have NEVER discouraged any, nor would I say there was ever any scientific reasoning for those I encouraged other than "seems like a nice kid" and having a rare opportunity to encourage the relationship (like a shared activity to carpool to).

Maybe, but that could be such a trap for the girl, given all the mean girl phases girls go through.

The only way I would agree with the mom is if she feels that the friendship stresses out her child, or doesn't make her happy. Both my children have had friendships like that in the past, it isn't the fault of either child, and you hear constant complaints about things the friend does, and then I've asked them why they want those friendships. My goal hasn't been to break the friendship, but to get my kids to think more clearly about what they want and expect out of it so that they can approach it more effectively.

I think another thing that bothers me is that my son's friendship circle is really a great group of kids. I thank God every day that he has them and I can't understand why anyone else would not see how lucky they are. My son doesn't know if any of the other kids have any kind of diagnosis or not (I know she does from her mother), but many of them are in the co-taught classes and he can see that all of them, except maybe one, probably falls somewhere on the broader spectrum that includes ASD and ADHD. What I love about this group of kids is that they are all very tolerant and accepting of each other. Even the ones who don't like each other that much (there are currently 2 that my son doesn't like), tolerate each other because I think that they know there are strength in numbers and it is nice to have a place to go where you are not judged or ridiculed. My son says that they "pick up all the strays." In other words, if there is a kid who doesn't have a place to go, they are welcome in his group.

This girl has been friends with my son for 3 years, and since kindergarten with one of the boys. I guess maybe it just breaks my heart a little when a parent of a kid on the spectrum does not embrace neurodiversity. I don't really spend much time IRL with parents of kids on the spectrum, and I only choose to come to places like this online, where people do embrace neurodiversity. Maybe it lulls me into a false belief that everyone feels the way that I do. And when I find evidence that it is not true, it jolts me. I feel...I don't know...kind of proud of my son for not caring that he hangs out with the "weird" kids. I feel proud of him for accepting people into the group that he doesn't particularly like, but he knows they have no where else to go. I feel proud of him for being able to give other kids a bit of leeway and for trying to be accepting of their quirks. I feel proud of his whole group of friends for finding a way to carve out their own little niche of happiness in middle school, which is sometimes even impossible for NT kids. It's sad that someone else's mom isn't proud, too.

It is sad but a lot of people chase normality. It's what they want. It's what they believe is right, and it's something they think they should chase.

But even if one sympathizes with this mom's point of view, if indeed she did tell her child she wants her to hang out with normal people, this is sad on another level, as this child will either stay oblivious or will realize that because she is not normal, she is who her mother does not want her hanging out with, she is not who her mother wants her to be.

Your son is lucky to have you, you are proud of who he is, all of him, not in spite of his being different but just proud of him. The girl won't magically become normal by osmosis and now she has to deal with that her mom doesn't like weird kids and she is one. Maybe I'm being too literal here, but I think that would be quite sad too. Kids need friends and this mom could have come up with a more positive message, and one which taught her child how to behave in a way that would serve her. Learning what not to say because it's not socially acceptable matters a lot for being happy, having friends, keeping a job etc.

But yeah, breaks my heart every time someone doesn't want to be around my kids because they're not normal, but it happens a lot.

These skills are going to be really helpful when he enters the workforce. You are right to be proud of him.

It could be the mom wants her kid to learn appropriate behavior an the only way her kid can learn that is to be exposed to it. Sometimes special needs kids will mimic other kids they are with, human nature because normal kids do this too so the parents also have to sometimes not let their kid be with another kid who is a bad influence on them and they also have to pay attention to who their kids friends are and who they are with.

My mom mostly kept me away from other kids with behavior disorders and conditions because she didn't want me to think it was normal behavior and do it too and it would have been hard for her to try and unteach me. But yet she let me be friends with a girl who had Down's syndrome and she let me be friends with an aspie boy but that was a big mistake I think. She also let me be in a behavior therapy class but then she told me last summer she didn't really like it because I was exposed and it would confuse me about behavior. She was also considering a special school for me once for kids with learning disabilities but then decided against it because she wanted me to learn social skills and appropriate behavior or else I would think it was all normal behavior.

It's sad. I'm sure the girl's mom thinks this is best, but it's still sad, for your son, and for you. I suspect perhaps she may want her around girls, but there's an implication that if her child spends time with "normals" it will magically make her normal..... and that's not the case.

I've followed the advice I was given in these kinds of situations to tell my child that it's confusing, I/we don't understand, and sometimes people are confusing and we just don't don't understand...... It doesn't make it better but seems to help a bit.

Thanks!

Honestly, I think most parents would be lucky if their middle school kids started acting like many of the kids in my son's group. LOL! There is no drugs, no fighting, no drinking, no malicious gossip, no sex. The worst thing they do is curse. My son found it odd that in school they talk about things like drugs, alcohol, and sex. He wondered why they didn't wait until kids were older so it would be a real issue. I am still not sure that he believed me when I told him kids his age do drugs, drink, and have sex. In his little circle, those things don't exist.

At least not yet.