Step-parenting and Aspie????! !! !!

Post Reply New Topic

Anyone else in SC and step-parenting an Aspie?????

Blended families are tough, add an Asperger's child and ...wow!! !! ! It takes all I have to get thru the day. I am a social worker (dealing with children) who only works part time cuz I am raising our (Husband's bio child) 13 year old Asperger's son. This brings in a whole bunch of new issues.

How do i balance the other "normal" siblings needs, my husband's guilt ( about the Asperger's), the bio-mom's sporadic involvement, manage my house and job, find services, support, and what do I do with this child for 20 hours per week this summer while I am trying to work?????? He spends 3 nights per month with bio mom and the rules there are very different from my house- that's another set up.......

Anyone, know good camps, services, help, anything in SC??????? How do I keep this child moving forward?????? What do I do when he is rude, talks back, ignores directives, "forgets" everything he is supposed to be doing, hits his sister??????

I am interested in any opinions on how to raise an Asperger's child sucessfully????? Remember, he is 13 and 1/2 years old. What about TV and video games what is age appropriate for him???? I have read everything but in the moment I sometimes know nothing. This is the most frustrating and thankless job I have ever had, I put in so much effort for so little gain....is there a better way. Any local think tanks or university's that have studied the AS??????

You may have "read everything" but you sure dont sound like you understood much of it.

He isnt the problem,his environment is and your husband needs to stop feeling guilty about "burdening" you with an aspie step son.

AAArrrgggg

TY, that was really helpful and supportive

Hi ajsj - welcome aboard!

Can't help you with resources in SC but I can suggest that the best help you'll find is from exhaustive research on asperger's. (Sorry to add another job to your already full plate.)

The problem with neurotypicals raising aspies lies in the divide that separates us, not in the individuals themselves. Meeting in the middle will have to begin with you taking a step forward and then you'll find him moving to meet you half way. It's like learning a new language. You'll both be frustrated at first while you're learning but once the foundation is built, it becomes easier and eventually it'll be like second nature. Trust me - I was where you were once.

Knowledge is power. Good luck!

I can be both when the individual want specific help and not just a place to complain about how hard aspies make her life.

You are a social worker and cont find resources?What exactly do you do when your clients need them.

What have you read?Did you see nothing in them that might explain how I person with AS can be "perceived" as rude,have difficulty following rules,etc.

If you want an answer to a specific question(and not just moan about your difficult life)perhaps you could ask one?

I am not ussually rude to new comers,dont want to chase them off to a group that supports ABA,chelation or diet change or drugs to cope with issue that is ...."brainwiring".Your step son is not a "problem" he is a human....I have heard you say nothing about the struggles he is having or that you have any emotion towards him other then as a burden or obligation.

You get back what you give and all I see is someone with a very sever lack of ToM....so now,you get to see mine.

You mentioned camps, I am applying for a job right now through Talisman Summer Camps (http://www.talismansummercamp.com/index.html) and I know they have a camp just for young aspies and its just in the other Carolina. It is however VERY expensive, at least to the average aspies standards, I have heard that if your son is on an ISP it is possible to get the school to help out but don't expect too much there. I don't think its too late for him to get in this year so you might want to look into that though get in your app ASAP if you can find the funds.
Ender

P.S. I am the UOPHA so feel free to PM me asking any specific questions or give me a messenger screenname, its much easier/quicker to talk that way .

What is the best way to go about "bridging the gap"??? Any suggestions about how or where to learn his "language"???? We ( husband and I) want him to be himself, how ever unique and differnt (from me) that may be, but we also think life will be easier for him if he can just understand the "rules"....the problem IS mine...how can I explain things to him so he understands???? He wants to fit in, badly, I see it on the soccer firld when he tries to chat with the others, at the bus stop when he stands alone away from everyone else...he has worked so hard to get into some mainstream classes....he tries so hard, I just feel like I don't have a way to teach him how to keep moving forward.

Plus, his home life is complex. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be in a blended family and never see your own mom??

Why does your husband "blame" himself? This seems really unproductive and needs to stop now. Everytime he "blames" himself, you need to flat out tell him "that does not help the situation we are in now". I worry that if your Step Son knows about this "blame" then it will affect his self esteem. "Gosh, for dad to be so torn up about the way I am, I must really have something seriously wrong with me!"

What is the past, is the past, all you can do is move forward from today onwards.

As for balancing the other siblings needs, I have no idea what to say, it is such a "genaric" comment, I don't know how to advise. Maybe more specific situations would help or a better explanition of what is going on? Can the AS son be left at home at all for short periods? Do you plan his day in advance so things are not sprung on him?


If he is being rude, you may need to determine "does he know he is being rude?" Proceed from there. It may just mean you have to be a bit of a broken record letting him know he is rude, and asking him to stop. Make things very simple, say "that was not a nice thing to say, I need you to stop". You can't really get him to relate to "how it makes you feel" or "how his actions effect others" It needs to be more basic then that and not involve "feelings".

I think it sounds like your husband needs to pick up some of the slack, perhaps you can offload some housework or enroll in an activity in the community for some "away time". Even just go off to get some alone time shopping without the kids when possible. I also think you may need councelling.

The hitting though has to be a deal breaker, that needs to be adressed with some sort of disiplinary action. You need to make a plan with your husband and make him aware of it. But this needs to be a hard and fast "you did this, you know it results in this". Don't allow it to spin out of of control, if he yells or swears or acts out, just stay on task with the disiplinary action, don't go off on a tangent with him.

For example, you know he hit her, you tell him "you know you are not allowed to hit your sister, please go to your room". If he wants to discuss what the sister "did" Say "it does not matter, you could have spoke to me about it, but hitting her is a deal breaker for discussing it with me" (this worked well with my son). If he screams and yells at you. just calmly tell him "I need you to go to your room now". Don't take the bait with the backtalk or arguements or protests, just stay on task with what it is you want him to do.

As for not staying on task or forgetting things, this is very common with AS, and often is diagnosed as ADHD as a co morbid condition. Although others think that the inattention at times and forgetfulness are common symptoms that AS shares with ADHD. He will need more reminders then most kids, I would do a lot of investigating ADHD and the coping skills / stratagies that parents can use with it. I think you need to accept that he is going to need a lot of direction and even redirection to stay "on task". A parent here said that she was told she needs to be her childs "executive secratary" and keep him organized, I do this for my son who is 12, it works well, and the calmer things get, the more he actually does himself. You may want to look into a medication too, people with AS seem to report mixed results with the amphetamines like Ritalin, my son reacted badly to them, others can't live without them. Right now my son is on Strattera and it seems to help a lot, especially with the anxiety.


Anyway, I can't help you with SC resources, I think you need to do a lot of looking around, maybe your husband can do some re arranging of his time table for the summer or his mother can take him a little more?

Otherwise, I suggest doing a lot of reading, and when things stick out that you think explain things or may work with him, write them down, and review your lists regularly. Make a plan for what you will do in the heat of the moment blow up with him next time, and do your best to stick to it. It really is crucial that you work some of this stuff out now before he gets any older, trying to deal with this with a 16 year old is much much harder!

Strange. I just emailed Talisman to see if the still had openings for this summer. It IS expensive, but we manage to find money for other things and we WILL find it for this. This is obviously more important then a Disney Trip and we have been talking about that! The program sounded so fun and I really think he would love it and benefit from it....think we will talk to him about it tonight and see what he thinks, it would have to be a birthday gift , a BIG one, but family would probably chip in. Two weeks is a long time to be away from us but if he was up for it, then I should be too. I can't PM you b/c I don't know how to do it.

Let me know if you get the job, sounds like an amazing place and it should be an experience of a lifetime for him.

Where do I begin? I'll start with the statement you made that frustrated me the most: when you asked what to do when he forgets everything he's supposed to be doing. You put "forgets" in quotes like you don't believe he really forgot. Executive dysfunction is a part of Asperger's. I never remember anything. I would never get my taxes done or get to work or remember when we had company coming or that someone asked me to do something five minutes ago, if it wasn't for my husband. The kid probably really truly honestly forgot, okay?! Give him a break. Hitting his sister is another story. Feel free to punish him for it like you would any other child.

Second, why on Earth would your husband feel guilty about Asperger's? There's nothing WRONG with the kid, he's just different. All the TV shows and video games are as age appropriate for him as they are for any other kid. Think of Asperger's as a very strong personality type, not some kind of huge defect.

Third, the more resentful you are, the less successful you're going to be. I sure am glad I didn't have someone who disliked me so much trying to raise me.

Have you read The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, by Tony Attwood? It's a good book- very informative and easy to read. You might want to start there.

Last edited by Esperanza on 09 May 2007, 1:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The first post sounds to me as if someone REALLY dislikes people with Asperger's. It's rude.

My husband blames himself....for a lot of reasons, genetic responsibility, his first divorce, not being proactive enough, plus all the other guilt parents feel. Agreed, it is pointless and a waste of time, it musses the focus which is not what happened but what we can do for our son. I agree that there is only a small window of opportunity where we can profoundly impact our son and it is closing.

He has made such incredible forward movement. This is the first year he has been partially mainstreamed since he was 6, first year to ride the bus, first year playing a team sport, first year he ever has had "play dates". He is VERY flexible and goes easily with changed plans, eats new things and after several years working to cut down on TV and video game time is content use only a hour combine per day....which he forgoes on Tues and wed to watch American Idol!! !

I just feel he can do so much more. The "executive secretary" thing, that's me too!! !! I have more things in my planner about him then me. I understand that, no 13 year old, even NT's are very organized but my question is how and when do we start to wean them off???/ I have tried by making simple lists, three things that need to be done that afternoon, most of the time he has lost the list before he even starts the first task. I am not complaining, but laughing about this............my sense of humor and his have saved us many a tense moment.

We have had some sucess with meds. They were changed a million times when he was young but about two years ago he was put on Prozac and clonodine and they have worked well. I also give him a vitamin and Omega Supplement...any other ideas????

We see a therapist, a whole bunch, mental health see my little guy at school, and my husband and I see a separte therapist just to get things out there...it helps. This is the first time I have used any forums at all or talked with other parents with children who have asperger's. I appreciate your comments and they provide much food for thought. Take care.

Ah....motherhood.

You asked about what to do when he talks back, is rude and hits his sister. Do what you would do with any child. Enforce the consequences. Reward him for being polite. Encourage him when he is nice to his sister.

As far as video games, I found that they work really well in modifying behavior. (We are half way through a long grounding of no video games).

Sometimes we have to remember that our aspie children exhibit the same annoying infuriating behavior as other teens, and regardless of the reasons behind it, still needs to be corrected.

I am sorry that you thought that. Aside from really, honestly loving my child, Asperger's and all, I don't dislike anyone b/c they have Asperger's or any other diagnosis....I dislike certian people b/c of their behaviors...such as adults.

If it sounded rude, that was never my intention. If it sounded like I am someone who is tired and frustarted and looking for answers, well, that would be accurate.

I have never used a forum before and thought that this would be a good place, to vent, empathize and get ideas for help and support. I find lots of Asperger's books and blended family/step-parenting books but never anything that can advise on how to do both. I thought that maybe I would find someone else out there who maybe had a unique situation like mine and could steer me in the right direction.

Anyway, if I offended you or anyone else, that was not what I wanted to do. I don' think anyone who researches websites like these, dislike people with Aspergers, usually when you don't like someone you don't bother to put any effort into helping them. I am sure that all the parents that write on here go above and beyond what most parents do when raising children. I tell my children Love is not a word but and action, you know when someone loves you, not just because they say it but because they show it.

This actually made me smile. My son looses his lists too! He would not fill out his agenda this september, and it was really frustrating, the school was saying that he "had" to do it! I felt that his poor fine motor skills and poor spelling where his "barrier" so I made a list for him to check off, with questions like "do I have math homework? "Science homework?" All he had to do was "ticK it if he did.

He could not do it! After a month, he never once filled it out at school. Eventually I had to look at what he WAS doing, and developed an organizational system from that! He has one binder, and we have copies of most of his texts at home. (IEP accomidation). He has to put all his class notbooks and duotangs into the binder everyday. It was too hard to remember what ones he had to bring home what day, so they ALL come home now every day. In the middle of the binder, are three rings. He places all his unfinnished work in the middle section. That way he "sees" his homework, because he physically has it at a reminder. As the work gets completed, it moves into the class duotangs. It works really well, although I had some really nasty arguements over it with the school which I won't get into now.

That is just it, you "think" he should be ready to function a little more independantly, but he just may not be. The fact he is failing at it, suggests he is not. It is just something you need to accept. In time you should be able to transfer more responsibilities to him, but it is going to be a bunch of small steps, take a long time, and be prepared for backslides when he is stressed or not feeling well.

My 4 year old NT daughter does a better job getting things done without reminders then my son does. It just is the way it is!

Laying out clothes the night before and stuff like that helps.

It is funny though, becuase I used to have similar feelings like you, about the frustrations and such with my son "forgetting" things or not staying on task. I was told much what you are now, and in accepting it and making changes, it has helped him a lot. I then started to remember what it was like when I was younger, and how much I "forgot" and did not "function". My mom would have to send me up to get dressed 10 times some mornings before I had everything I needed! I remember at 8 years old she flipped out on me once because I came down with my pants on backwards! (Elastic waist, but noticably front and back pant) Boy oh Boy the screaming matches I had with her growing up! It is one of those things though, like with abuse the child often grows up and starts "repeating the cycle". I have been very proactive about stopping some of the things that went on between my mother and I, but other stuff, like demanding my son "function" more I did not catch on to or immediately relate to. Now things are getting a lot better.

It sounds to me like he is "moving forward". Try to focus on how far he has come as opposed to how far he still has to go! I was talking to my husband about this last night with my son (in private) I was reminded it is not a race).

Are social skills classes available in your area?