Brutally honest question... How do you keep your cool?

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So I live with my sister, who has an autistic son. Mind you, I have aspergers, but it's not nearly as bad as my nephew's. I'm only staying there til I finish this last semester and get a real job. I usually hide up in my room so I don't have to deal with the noise. Problem is, it gets REALLY loud in this house. And I keep getting woken up. And I love this kid to death, but it's taking everything in my power to not explode on him sometimes.

How do y'all keep your cool?

I avoid people.

Remind yourself that they're doing you a favor by letting you stay with them. It's not their job to accommodate your issues, even if they could (and they likely can't).

Noise cancelling headphones, or ear plugs for sleeping but they can be a bit disorientating.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that my kids are not out to annoy me. When I start getting annoyed, I notice that my internal dialogue seems to shift into thinking they are doing it on purpose. But I really know that is not true, so I remind myself.

I sleep with the tv on. The constant noise helps me not pay attention to other noises in the house.

Depending on how old your nephew is, you could possibly have a conversation with him. Both of my kids know what its like to be sensorily overloaded and how hard it is to stay in control when you feel that way. Once they understood that this happens to me, too, we have all followed a rule that each of us has a right to ask for alone time, and the others need to try their best to be quiet and not bother the person for awhile.

You're a bit of an as*hole, aren't you?

This post is about getting advice for keeping your cool when dealing with an autistic child. Not a forum for snarky advice. If you don't have anything constructive to say, don't say it.

Becoming a parent comes with the gift of 100x your old level of patience because that's what's required. During multiple hours of screaming, however, I do what I must. I close the door, breathe, or even step outside. In the very worst of moments for me (meaning no extreme crisis is occurring for my child, it's just been ongoing and I've run out of patience), I have another adult supervise for 30 minutes while I sit in the car. I am stressed by multiple noises, so I can't listen to music, but if there's nothing I can do to help the situation, I can try to focus on reading. Slowly.

^^^^ This. Before I had kids of my own, I had a very low tolerance for kids & their ways. (Actually, I still have low tolerance for OTHER people's kids, but I love mine so much, and am so used to their specific noises and behaviors that I can compartmentalize the annoying aspects better.) I still get very annoyed and irritable when I'm subjected to *other* kinds of persistent unpleasant sounds (like leaf blowers or other power tools-- those things still make me feel like I'm going to lose my mind) so even getting used to loud & chaotic kid stuff has not increased my tolerance for other types of sensory unpleasantness.

It sounds like you (OP) are actually doing a good job of keeping your cool. You know to stay up in your room so that you don't explode. That can't be too fun for you though. And you're in a tough spot, basically being a "guest" even though it's family, so there's not much you can do. Try to focus on the fact that it's not forever. And try to find other ways to get breaks (go for a walk, use headphones, go do an errand, etc) so that it's not always like being a prisoner in your own home.

When my brother (un-dx Aspie) comes to visit I can tell how hard he has to work to keep his cool. He loves my kids but the noise really gets to him. And the energy level. He can't stay for too long. And the one who gets on his nerves the most is the one who is dx Aspie and is not only VERY loud, but also has a lot of behaviors that my brother shares but would rather not have to be reminded of that. (Getting to know a "mini-me" version of himself has been pretty eye-opening for him... there have been times he will complain about something my son has done, and then his wife will start laughing and say, "but you do the exact same thing!" and then cite examples....)

I've noticed that perhaps the hardest thing for my brother to appreciate is that they are just KIDS-- they do dumb things; they aren't always logical or reasonable and they make mistakes and they forget things (like, if you tell them, "don't do that," they might forget the next time and then that thing again. This doesn't mean they are trying to be willfully defiant. But it feels that way to him.)

When I feel like I'm personally going to "lose my cool" because of my kids, I try to put myself in a "time out". Hand them off to my husband, if that's possible, and then go put on headphones and play a video game for a while. And/or have a beer. (That actually helps a lot.) And sometimes I *do* lose my cool and just have these "bad parenting" moments. (Like yelling, "SHUT UP!! !!") I wouldn't do that if it were just one kid-- that would be too personal-- but since I have 3, it's more of a generalized "you guys need to quiet down" and that's how they take it. I'm still not proud of myself in those moments though.

Personal attacks are against forum rules.

yes, MightyOfus, please post within forum rules.

My son is loud as hell. He wakes up sometimes at night screaming. It sucks but the simple answer is there is no other choice, not for me, not for him. Its different when its your own child vs a nephew. When its your own flesh and blood the first thought isn't self pity, its more like sadness and concern for your kid. My advice is to get some headphones, get background noise machine, or put up some music. Its a bump in the road.

How old/functional is this kid? Is he likely to understand and be able to change his behavior if you calmly tell him that when he's making a lot of noise, it hurts your head?

Honestly, it's difficult sometimes. I find it easier when I have done self-care kind of things - sleeping and eating well, taking regular pockets of time for myself to recharge, etc. When I'm stressed or feel over-extended, it's harder to stay calm. When I feel myself losing my cool, I have to disengage to regroup. Sometimes that even means leaving the house. I am lucky in that I have a spouse to hand off to when I get like that. I do the same for him.

Noise canceling headphones sounds like a good idea for you in the meantime before it is feasible for you to move out.

Noise cancelling headphones. Earbuds with an engrossing podcast like This Week in Virology playing. Meditation away from distraction. All these things can help.

But in the end, I don't always keep my cool. I have some problems with emotional regulation. I try hard, but sometimes fail. When I do, I am more or less a passenger along for the ride. Sometimes a hole the shape of my fist appears in a wall or door. At least it's never a person.

I hate this aspect of myself, but I have yet to find a sure way of controlling it.