Extreme Stress and Anxiety RE: Adult Son Impending Marriage

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My 22 year old son has announced his engagement and plans to be married Jan 1 2016. He has not been formally diagnosed, but we have an assessment scheduled in August. I have felt something wasn't quite right for a while, and after doing a lot of research based on a friend's suggestion (her daughter is autistic, and she noticed some things about my son), I came to the conclusion he is probably Asperger's. I gently brought this up with him, and after doing his own research, he agreed. The problem is this: he has dated this young lady for about a year - she is only 20, and has a part time job at Starbucks. She lives in a tiny apartment with a roommate who also works at Starbucks. He lives at home, and has never had a job outside of working for the family business part time (unfortunately we have a very small business and don't have enough work to offer him a full time job).

He graduated from college last year with a degree in History and Classical Studies, with aspirations of going to seminary. He has since changed his mind, and seems to have no real ambitions or goals. He has vaguely discussed doing various blue collar work like carpentry, painting, or mechanics (none of which he has ever shown interest or aptitude in, and has zero training in) and doing writing/podcasting about theology, philosophy and history on the side. He has snippets of articles and ideas all over the place but has yet to finish anything since he graduated a year ago. He says his fiancee wants to be a stay at home homeschool mom of numerous kids. He also said she is ADHD. I see this all as being a big disaster, and have a hard time supporting it, when he has no means of supporting himself, much less a family. I am hoping that if we get him assessed and in therapy they can help him see he needs time to get his life straightened out and learn to be independent and financially stable before committing to a marriage. Outside of that, does anyone have any advice to give? Thank you!

I think you may want to have a "get real" talk with him, not to deflate him from his goals of job and marriage, but to help him understand about how will he and his fiance support themselves and future children. Perhaps he will realize that he needs to train for a job or figure out some other career goal and go in that direction.

Plenty could happen in the next six months--they could have a quarrel, she could realize he has no prospects, whatever. In the meantime, he will have a goal to work toward (which is more than he had before) to become self-supporting so he can get married. Either way you'll get a more desirable outcome than what you've got now. If you try to talk him out of the engagement, he's likely to react stubbornly against you and your advice. Just wait and see.

I hate my older son's baby mama and don't care for the smarmy mouth BS duster huffing lying ass that my younger son is with, but, I get along with them. You have to too. If you don't it will start up a bunch of s**t you don't want to handle. I suspect my younger son to have AS like I do but he's not interested in finding out. He's deaf in one ear from birth and feels that he should take what life gives him standing up. I don't push, no need to. He's had a job for over a year working at a factory. She doesn't work. She gets high. My older son isn't with his baby mama anymore and is with a girl I like. That is going good.

So, my advice is to stay out of it and ask him if her parents are going to pay for the wedding like they should, or if he's supposed to. Don't let a significant other ever be a problem with you. It WILL cause them to feel like they have to choose between you two and you will not win.

Let him do it I guess. I married a douchebag when I was 18 and divorced him a year and a half later after getting my ass beat every day. You make mistakes when you are young. That is how you learn. If he's hellbent on this, then let him do it. I'd tell him he's gotta get a job if he's gonna live there though. Tell him call a temp service.

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I would honestly tell him that he has to be self-supporting if he is going to get married b/c it is unfair to you to be expected to support him, as well as a wife and Duggar-sized family.

I am usually not that harsh, and I am sure it could be phrased better, but there is a difference in supporting a life you created, who cannot support himself, and also being responsible for supporting a whole family he chooses to create. If they cannot support themselves and their plans, they should stay single. That is the responsible thing in this case.

*Note: There are exceptions---like oopsy pregnancies and that kind of thing, especially if the parent is underage---but I don't think your son is being reasonable or realistic if he is going to create a family on purpose and expect himself under current conditions to support them and then use you as a back-up when he cannot.

Possibly irrelevant personal note.

After my Dad died and I dropped out of my second Ivy League school, I pursued my special interests with classes here and there, but basically floundered around without much of a sense of a future--without really imagining or hoping for a future.

But I was already totally committed to my wife and that relationship was the by far the most important thing in my life.

So my wife pushed me hard, several times. She pushed me to use my interests to work and I did. Before that I was working sometimes as a bike messenger, sometimes selling jewelry on the sidewalk, bookshops, odd jobs here and there that weren't too structured and didn't require to much of the wrong kind of human contact.

She pushed me to get more serious about a career, telling me she wanted kids and a house to raise them in.

That was tough, because it meant overcoming some pretty deep fears and habits. But I pushed through that very difficult period because my relationship with her was orders of magnitude more important to me than anything else in this life. That included my relationship with my parents.

So now a few decades have passed and I have been employed almost continually, mostly at one leading global company. My work allows me to use two lifelong interests and this seems incredibly fortunate. I have two teenage kids (one NT girl, one AS boy) who are now both doing well in school and are more socially adjusted and successful than I ever was at their age. I have majority equity in a house in the suburbs and drive a car (didn't get my license until my late 20s, but who cares now?)

In short, my life has been moderately successful by most standards. I am not a brilliant star, but I'm doing OK.

None of this would have happened for me without my intense relationship with my wife. She has been the greatest driving force in all my achievements. I don't discount the role of my effort or the talents/interests that I was able to marshal into this life, but without her pushing and the goals she set, I really don't think I would have done much.

I used to find social contact so awkward that I spent more and more time avoiding it, and with no place to go every day, I spent more and more time at home, going nowhere. In pursuit of the goals my wife provided, I became completely comfortable (more or less) going through all sorts of complex urban situations without being derailed by the awkwardness of my interface with others, because I had a purpose and stuck to it.

I feel I am rambling a bit, but I think that gets the idea across: it may be that the conventional idea you have about the patterns of adult life are not going to work for your son, as they did not for me--but it may also be that a deep, loving relationship with the right partner could be the thing that allows him to find a new pattern of life in which he may grow and even thrive.

In any case, I wish the best for you, your son and the woman he wants to live with for the rest of his life.

I agree with OliveOilMom, it is time for him to pay rent and become a contributing member of your family. He has not had an opportunity to understand adult life. You can save the money and give it as part of your wedding gift.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I sincerely appreciate it. I haven't wanted to tell him to start paying rent until we get feedback from the counselors, which we can't start until August. But that has definitely been on my mind. That is why I did start having him pay us the $150 a few months ago, so he could understand a little bit about bill paying. I sent him a spreadsheet of typical living expenses for a couple living in our city - and this is a very bare bones, no frills expenses. I also told him what our household needs in order to support our family, and we live very simply, with two old cars and a very small house. But my DH is a handyman, and saves us tons of money being able to fix broken appliances, car repairs, electrical, plumbing, etc. My son has none of those skills, even though DH tried to teach him, but he wasn't interested. I was hoping this would be a dose of realism for him, but somehow he thinks he will magically start earning this type of income. We told him that once he moves out and is married he is on his own for everything, and he and his wife and future kids will not be living with us. I told him he needs to have experienced independent living, and held down a job for a while before he gets married. He said he is working for us over the summer and then will get a job in August/September. I have no earthly idea what kind of job he can get, or what kind of work he is even suited for at this point. This is where I am hoping the therapy will come in and help.

I do wish his fiancé seemed more like the type to push him to be something and to reach goals. She seems to be very passive, and just goes along with whatever my son says. He has been able to convince her that he will be able to support her and a future family, even though he has no evidence to back that up. I wish she was working towards some sort of better job or career. I honestly worry she is going to marry him and get very upset that he can't keep his promises. He has also talked about having her, her current roommate and her fiancé all live together. This seems like a particularly bad idea, with his Asperger's. He has never lived with anyone outside of family, and he is used to having his alone time and own space to escape to. Living in a tiny cheap apartment with 3 other people it seems impossible to get alone time and space.

I know I probably sound like an overprotective, controlling mom. I don't want to be that way. I have kept my nose out of all of this. I haven't said anything negative about her. I did express financial/indepedence concerns, and that has been it. One of my main concerns at this point is what to do by Oct/Nov if he still hasn't been able to make a steady income. If he doesn't have a steady job/income, I don't see how it is possible for him to move out and get married. Thank you all again for all of your support/encouragement/advice/stories of your own experience. I truly appreciate it.

Adamantium, loved your story. Thank you for sharing it.

heartandhome, what we can do for our adult children is limited, but you can drop ideas and hope he will grab onto one.

With his fields of study, it seems teaching could be a good job for him. Has he considered getting his credentials? Counter-intuitive as it may seem, there are quite a few Aspies who teach. My son is considering teaching, as well; he teaches at Boy Scout camp in the summer and I hear from others that he is really good at it. Since my son finds social situations difficult, he has actually become quite a student of how they are handled, and how people act, which seems to help him in leadership situations. One just never knows until one tries.

Note that, in my observation, many Aspies are much better at higher level jobs than lower level ones, so your son may need to pursue his full time job search in an unconventional manner. He probably feels a bit lost on how to start, and may be discouraged from early efforts. This is a good time to help him develop the skills he will need - or, at least, point him to places where he can learn them.

I hope he can get himself to where he needs to be. I'm a bit of a romantic so while I do get why you are worried, I also think it is sweet. My son hasn't had a real girlfriend yet, although he has done some "friendly" dating. I kind of look forward to him finding someone, and crossing my fingers I will like her.

Here is an idea for work for him, but I don't know how much a guy with a college degree would be interested in doing this. Both of my sons went through temporary companies and got good jobs in factories that make car parts. They make good money and it's certainly enough to live on. Both of them live with and support their girlfriends with their paychecks. They called a local temp agency who put them in touch with the factories. You work temp for a while then get hired on eventually. It's not what your son went to school to do, but it will put food on the table and pay the rent. Why not suggest that to him and have him get out and get to work? If he's getting married and going to be supporting a family, he's not going to have the luxury of looking around to find just the right job that he enjoys, he's going to need to be out there working while he's also looking.

Temp companies can usually put you to work within a day or two of contacting them, so why not get him to go Monday and start on that. Maybe let him see what that kind of life is like before he ends up committing to do that for someone else for life. Once he starts working, you can tell him he's got to find a place of his own. An apartment or house or trailer for rent somewhere. If he's not going to be able to handle it, it's much better he finds out when it's only going to impact him and he can move back home than when he comes back with a wife and possibly baby. Both of mine moved back in here for a short time. One because he left his gf and it was her mothers house they were renting from her so he came home and left her there, and the other because he got laid off and was looking for work. He was also going through a serious breakup and having emotions about it. He needed to be here for a while, but I'm very glad they have both moved back out now. They are doing great on their own, and it's much less messy here and I have a lot less laundry to do.

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Thanks OliveOil and DW. I will tell him about the temp agency idea and see if he'll go and find out about the different entry level opportunities. If he wasn't looking to fast track his life and get married so soon I would tell him to go back to school and get a technical degree of some sort (associates) to have a better chance of making good money, especially to support a family. I worry that he is going to be stuck in dead end jobs without additional training/skills. I don't see how he can actually make a living being a painter, which is what he is talking about right now. He has never picked up a paintbrush in his life.

And DW, I do think it is nice that he has found someone. I feel it is a bit rushed, being his first girlfriend. I think he is worried he'll lose her if they don't get married right away, and he won't ever meet anyone else. I also see trouble on the horizon, as I saw him leaving the house the other day with a book called "The ADHD marriage". He has told me before he thinks she has ADHD. She has never been tested or treated. I can see an Aspie-ADHD relationship as having a lot of problems without help and counseling, which they won't be able to afford. I also find it strange that he is focusing on what he considers to be her disorder and its effects on a marriage, and doesn't seem to be focusing on what his own issues are. Again, I am hoping and praying some diagnostics and therapy can help him through this. I don't have a problem with him getting married - I don't want him to go into it without a decent job to support himself, as she certainly doesn't make enough at $9/hour to support them. So I am worried about what I'll do by Oct/Nov if he still isn't gainfully employed or somehow making more than our part time work has been able to offer him.

Thank you again, I appreciate all of your support and advice.

My husband is undiagnosed ADHD and Aspie-Light and I am an unofficially diagnosed Aspie. We have been married more than 10 yrs. Sometimes our strengths and weaknesses mesh in a way where we compensate for each other, and sometimes we plan around joint weaknesses and build on joint strengths.

It can work as long as communication is good. We both tend to brain dump and we have special interests---some of which are shared some of which are not. We also have organizational issues and we just plan around them, knowing that.

The key though IMO, is being willing to be introspective and honest about short-comings, and to make to a super-strong effort at communication. That means being understanding and not-angry when inevitable communication confusion arising, and clarifying for clarity, a lot. In addition you have to be very willing to acknowledge things that the other person is not going to be able to surpass, and be willing to accept that certain things will recur, no matter how many times you point something out, and not go into it thinking you will change the person.

Extremely well said. You guys have your heads on straight. It certainly helps life go smoother.

A lot of this has to do with my son's special interest, which happens to be theology/religion. He is very into the rules and structure. Therefore, he is also very strict on himself with the whole "no sex until marriage" thing. This is why he is looking to get married sooner, so he can "resist the temptation" but he can't keep resisting forever. I think rushing into marriage is a bad idea with your very first girlfriend, and while you don't have your life together. I think him trying to live with another couple as a newlywed is also a recipe for disaster, especially when he has never lived on his own at all before, and needs a lot of down/alone time. While I was talking to my sister in law about this yesterday, she ended up telling me that maybe I was the one that needed therapy, not him, as I can't seem to let go. She also doesn't believe he is Asperger's. She lives out of town and only sees him a couple of times a year - she has no idea what we have been through with him. Needless to say, while I am trying to let go, I am also just worried about him really messing up his life and having a major breakdown when everything falls apart - if he can't get/keep a job, or gets one that he completely hates, and is trapped due to bills, etc. He has had a tendency to be suicidal in the past, so obviously all that worries me.

This makes it difficult (nothing against people who wait on sex for marriage) because, you are right, it gives him too much of an incentive to get married before he is ready.

I wish I had better advice, because this is not a thing that you will be able to argue with him about, and his girlfriend, I am assuming, shares the same values on this.

I also do not know their views on birth control, but you mentioned his fiance wanting a huge family, so I am wondering if they are also against birth-control, even in marriage --- if this is so, the younger they marry, the more kids they are likely to have, and that they cannot take care of.

I am not a religious person, and my knowledge of religion and theology is not up to this task, but I am assuming that there are biblical passages that don't hew to the being fruitful and multiplying thing, and are more about restraint and being responsible for ones young? Maybe if you could find some passages like that, it would help

That sounds like a good idea.

You could start with the famous passage from Corinthians: "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways."

And then there's:

"For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate us, because we were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone's bread without paying for it, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you. It was not because we do not have that right, but to give you in ourselves an example to imitate. For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living. As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good. If anyone does not obey what we say in this letter, take note of that person, and have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed. Do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother." from second Thessalonians.

Also:
"But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." from second Timothy.


The potential problem with this approach is that anyone practiced in biblical exegesis will find passages to counter these.

The whole system of putting so much faith and meaning into a text is workable only because of the flexibility of that text.

For example, "Consider the lilies of the valley... "