Can we take any legal action against children who won't sto

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We have tried everything to stop the harassment and bullying directed at my son Caleb. Nothing is helping and I was thinking maybe some authority could talk to these guys and cite specific laws that they may be breaking. Next question; are there any such laws? Paul

Hello Victorytea, where are you come from ? I leave in UK and, as far as I know ,here bullying is taken quite seriously, you can even report such cases to the police. I think you should give us more details about your sons situation , that would be helpful.

In the US, there are anti-hate-crime laws that apply.

We're from NY state. It's mainly with our neighbors who get in Caleb's face and remind him of his deficits. "You wish you could play basketball but you can't, can you ret*d". When Caleb goes to the neighbors to play they tell him to go home. The one brother kicked Caleb in the privates while at school and said his leg just went up when he closed his locker (he didn't mean it.) When Caleb has friends over they always interrupt and boss all the kids around. ( they have since been banned but make catcalls from their side of the line (property). It's really a lot of subtle things but when they find an opening to be mean-they jump on it. Caleb has been nothing but nice to them despite their abuse. We remind him that they're mean to him now and won't stop as long as he forgives them- he is a really sweet boy. It breaks my heart to see him come home crying because these bullies tell him to "get his ass home". I've talked to the parents to no avail as they always believe their son's version of what happened. I just want help- I'm out of ideas and want Caleb to feel safe in his own neighborhood. The brothers are 2 and 3 yrs older than Caleb. Paul

I am so sorry this is happening to Caleb. You are right. He needs to feel safe in his home and his school.

Since he has been physically and mentally abused at school, inform the principle that this MUST be addressed. Go to your local police and ask for advice. Ask about potentially filing a report in the future, this is less than filing charges, but shows an on going problem should charges need to be filed in the future. Since the parents are supporting their kids, it is likely to escalate. The parents need to understand the ramifications of being charged with a hate crime.

Have you talked to the kids parents? That might be a first measure before getting cops involved. As for the bullying, what does it involve? I'm asking because I might can think of something to tell him to do when they do whatever it is.

I think like this because I have AS, dx'd in middle age, but was bullied horribly in school and the only way it stopped was when I learned to stop it myself. Other people stepping in just made it worse and more subtle, but I saw it. As they planned.

I think adults need to step in when there is physical abuse by multiple older and bigger kids.

But I do think traditional martial arts training (not competitive) is fantastic for all kids on the spectrum. It teaches respect for ones-self and others.

How did you stop it? And I love your quote about knowledge and wisdom.

I stopped it by standing up to them and hitting back. It's not a popular thing to suggest now, but it's effective. I had to do that a few times, and sometimes I was on the losing end of that fight but I got better over time and they learned it was too much trouble to bully me because they would get it back, so they picked on easier and meeker targets. It was very hard to make myself stand up for myself but I forced myself to and over time it got easier. I'd say things back to them if it was just words, but when they would do something to me physically or to my stuff, I'd hit them, or hit them back. Back then you could do that and it wasn't a huge deal at school.

I also acted like I didn't care what they said about me and made myself laugh at them to their faces. I'd tell them they were stupid and sad and things like that. I didn't believe it for an instant at first but over time I saw it was true. They were stupid and just total douchebags.

Of course when lots of kids gang up on one or they are older or bigger then adults should step in, but that can backfire too. If the adult just happens to be near them when it's going on and overhears it then that can work easily but if they step in and it's obvious that the kid or even worse, the kids parents have gone to the teacher, principal, etc then thats going to make it really worse. The kid is labeled weak and a rat and obviously unable to fight back so they will consider it a field day to pick on him when no adult is around. Been there, done that, was forced to wear the tshirt lol.

It's real hard to not step in when it's your child and to tell them to stand up for themselves. I've got four kids, and all of them had to deal with a bully or three at some time or other. I told them to say something back to them or hit back and I assured them I would back them up with the school if need be and they got in trouble for it. They all did get in trouble for hitting back, but the other kid got in trouble for hitting first and that cut down on the bullying. My kids are NT except I think my younger son may have mild AS like I do, but he's not interested in finding out about it, so thats that.

As for them saying things to him, could he say something back like call them douchebags or something? Maybe flip them off? I know you don't want to teach your kid to do that, but there really isn't much of another choice except for taking it and ignoring it. Sometimes situations don't leave good choices to resolve them, and if you want to fix it you have to get dirty in the mud with the hogs. Let him know that you only use that response when absolutely needed and there isn't anything else, but let him know that it is ok in certain situations. Self defense is important.

As for martial arts, it can teach coordination and self confidence, but I've never seen it work in a for real fight unless both people are using it. If you get very good like Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee etc, then of course it will work but it doesn't usually work for low level street fights. I'd suggest boxing over martial arts.

I'd also make sure to talk to him about self esteem. Don't give him the "you are a special snowflake and perfect" vague thing, but tell him real concrete things about himself that are good about him and that would help with his self esteem. Also, remember that the priorities and things that you and I would consider important may not be anywhere near what kids his age would consider important. Finding something he likes and can excel at is also another good idea. Maybe a hobby or something that he could take lessons for, or learn about, or practice, etc until he's very good at it. I wouldn't say video games though, all the kids do that, you want something different. But make sure it's something that can be mainstream and not made fun of. You don't want him spending all his time learning to say, play the accordian or tap dance or collect butterflies or something that he can't show off to someone else. It's worth the time, trouble and expense to help cultivate something like that. Mine was drawing, then later on I learned I had this one skill that my uncoordinated and clumsy butt could do surprisingly well and that was twirl a baton. So I went out for majorette and made it. I was very, very good and totally unprepared for that. So, it's not always black and white, just because he's clumsy or something doesn't mean he may not have some strange and unexpected grace in another situation.

So, thats just my two cents. You may not agree with me and choose not to try it, but thats ok, everybody raises their kids differently. I do hope this helped and you saw a couple ideas to use, this is just my experience from years of severe and painful bullying. It's what worked for me. Nobody wants to tell their kid that they have to fight, and send them in there knowing they will probably end up hurt somewhat, but that is the only way they learn to do it. It's a good skill to know because a nutcase could very easily corner you at some point and you have no choice. Physical wounds heal quicker than the mental ones from feeling helpless and beat down. Also, the sooner he learns to stand up for himself the more assured you can be that he won't be a doormat when he grows up. Teach assertiveness, not aggressiveness, but also teach that if need be it's ok to be aggressive. That just shouldn't be the first reaction.

Good luck and let me know how it works if you decide to try it.

The only solution I see is to move away from the area, ASAP. Situations like this tend to escalate very quickly. For example, My mother, when she was still alive had a situation with a mentally-deranged neighbor (who was a former Marine, that was suffering from dementia), who threaten to kill everyone and everything in my mother's house, because of our basset hound-beagle mix. To him, our dogs were always at fault, even if they were in the house, in their crates and sleeping. It got so bad that the local gestapo told this clown and mom to take it to arbitration, or you're both going to jail! So, it was taken to arbitration, and an agreement was made and signed. Guess who broke the agreement? The neighbor. It got to the point that he called the local humane society on mom and demanded they confiscate our dogs and have them destroyed. One small problem: it was discovered that his dog was causing all the issues, due to the way HE mistreated the dog. That dog had to be destroyed since he was a menace, and, last I heard of this guy, he was admitted and committed to the psych ward of the nearest VA hospital, where he died.

A bully is seeking to build a sense of power by hurting others. It stops when the bully is denied the sense of power. This happens when the culture views bullies as weak pathetic people. That must be actively taught.

In the US, schools have an obligation to teach this, but many do not until parents demand it. That is why I would go to the people that are charged with the responsibility to insure bullying/hate crimes do not happen, first, and leave a paper trail. This reduces the chance that you and your child's actions will not bite you later. It is important to teach your child to have a thick skin and to stand up for themselves when they are wronged, it is also important that they know you have their back.

Can you record it to show the parents and/or authorities?

That is a great idea. Cell phones are everywhere. Go to the school and police, and file a report. Tell the parents, school, and police you are actively seeking to record it on microphone or camera. And once you do, you will formally bring charges. The principle will now actively work to see that it does not happen at school so his/her name will not end up in the charges, and the parents are more likely to demand that their kids do not do it in the future.

I would think physical abuse is both criminally and civilly actionable as Assault and Battery.

This would be true without regard to any laws about bullying.

That is, throw the attackers in detention or jail, then sue them or their parents. (Depending on the attackers age, obviously.)

Oliveoil, Caleb is much too spiritual to take the approach of striking back. He won,t even retaliate to name calling by calling a name back. He says "2 wrongs don't make a right" I.E. He is of the turn the other cheek model. My 1st boy who is 25 years older than Caleb learned not to put up with anything from bullying kids but he is a lot different than Caleb. The road we have to take with Caleb is to protect in a realistic manner and to be available when he wants to talk about the meanness of others. The incident when he was kicked in the privates was reported to the school by me and found out that the neighbor said he was just closing his locker and "spontaneously" his foot went up in the air and hit Caleb. The school officials bought into this explanation. very frustrating. We are not going to move. Paul

Well I think you have to work with your and Calebs personalities and strengths.

I do best saying to the school thank you for all your wonderful work and I know you'll help with this problem. That's not everyone's way but I alway lose if I try to be mean or demanding. But I don't stop asking either.

Is your child identified as having a disability with an IEP or 504 Plan? Because it sounds like he's being targeted by other children in school because of his vulnerabilities related to his disability. You can try to grow him up faster so he learns to protect himself, but he may need more time. The other kids already know he's different, I'm sure having or not having a label won't change that they know. So if he doesn't have a label I would look for one and if he does that's how I would approach it alerting them, asking them what you can do and what they can do etc. It is their responsibility to keep him safe in school.