Interest in Romance

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My son is 17 and has recently shown great interest in falling in love, having a girlfriend, etc. He has had a crush on an unattainable girl for years, and despite the fact that he was friendzoned he always hoped for more. Now he desperately just wants to date and have a girlfriend and is looking forward to the start of school to meet girls. I am having trouble balancing tempering those expectations along with helping him develop the social skills to ask a girl out. He is verbal and high functioning PDD in many ways, though he is generally immature in his interests and can still wage a meltdown on occasion (he is rigid in his thinking). I am going to suggest this site to him so he can meet other kids who deal with the same issues, and I was wondering if any other parents have been through this and what the best approach might be.

Does he have any interests that he might be able to share with girls? Does he like music?
Does he have any friends?

It sounds like you don't think he has much chance of developing any kind of romantic relationship.

He does have a small group of friends. His interests are specific - though immature (Legos, theme parks) though he is getting better at faking with other interests as a social skill. I do have hope - tons of it. I just don't want him to get crushed.

Anguish and heartache go with the territory. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

It's really good that he has some friends. It's promising that he was "friendzoned" --if that isn't a euphemism for flat rejection. Did he have any kind of ongoing relationship as a friend of some kind with that girl?

He needs to keep trying to relate to different girls. Maybe he will find a rollercoaster fan out there.

Yes, it was a literal friendzoning, they were inseperable. His infatuation kept him from noticing anyone else. Hopefully he will get to the point where he can relate to others more appropriately. We just keep working on the skills. Thanks.

I'm sure you'll get some good comments from other parents of teenagers and maybe a few guys who were once there--but I think that is huge. If he had a close relationship-even if it was definitively only ever going to be "just friends" --then he is capable of relating in the way that could lead to something more. That is great.

My son struggles with this off and on - he's 14, and probably not that much less mature than any other 14 year old. He also crushed on the unattainable girl (who, frankly, was NOT a good match - the sort who not only dates the head football player, but whose mother humblebrags about buying her new clothes for all the commercials she has to shoot. I don't think he realizes how boring this girl is.)

I highly recommend the site Scarleteen - it is a very frank, teen-driven site about sex education that comes along with relationship education and a good bit of feminism in the terms of respecting women and learning about everyone's personal autonomy. It doesn't mince words or euphemize things, and therefore is helpful for Aspie teens - plus, there is a kind of advice column where kids can send questions and the moderator answers them. There is a great article on the "friendzone" there that highlights the importance of a girl's right to choose her own partner.

I've talked a lot with DS about how important it is to find someone who shares your interests and who likes talking to you and hanging out - he's also been "friendzoned" a couple times, but at one point did have a girlfriend (who fortunately lived driving distance away, which made it a very gentle entry into teen dating) It might help if he knows that there are girls out there interested in Legos or otherwise interested in all kinds of engineering and nerd stuff, and maybe he should get to know some of them. Suggest places where they might be (science club, etc.)

I don't think you should temper his expectations b/c there are something that one is better off finding out on ones own. If he asks for help, you can steer him towards co-ed special-interest clubs that he might be interested in b/c i agree that the friend route is probably a good segue. Even if he is friend-zoned, it is better than going after the most popular girl that everyone tells him is the girl to want.

Tempering expectations will give him the message that even his mom thinks he would not be a good dating partner, and would not be worth it.

Thank you so much for the input, everyone. I will check out Scarleteen and guide rather than temper expectations. It all makes good sense. Thank you.

My son is 18 and has done some mild dating (the girls ask him out), but not enough to even kiss a girl yet.

He has heard me talk so much about relationships and the complications his ASD gives him that he doesn't seem to really expect to be in a relationship yet.

I think that is how I suggest preparing your son: just talking about people and life. How so many of us aren't really ready to date at his age. How even when you date is hard to know what kinds of moves the girl is and isn't hoping for. How no means NO. How bodies and emotions are not always in line. How young relationships tend to be practice relationships and often are awkward. That in order to find a relationship, you have to be able to make friends and read signals. How building a relationship requires shared interests or, when there aren't many, being willing to try things that she likes, just to be able to spend time together. How there is always risk in asking someone out, but nothing will happen if no one ever does. How some girls take advantage of guys like him.

If you know people who started dating later and are glad for it, share their stories, too.

Overall, I consider it a dangerous area, especially if someone is prone to obsessions. Will they really listen if they hear a "no?" Do they understand what it could mean if they don't?