5 year old threatening suicide

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She has been different to my other children since birth. Did not sleep through the night once until she was 2 years old. Very early talker but, struggled to make certain sounds. Always been difficult to leave the house with as, her socks have to be perfect and, she simply won't do what I ask her to do to get ready. Won't wear a cardigan for something small like a button being missing. We have tried to be consistent with punishing naughty behaviour but, she has carried on getting worse. We made a huge effort to spend lots of time and be very gently and understanding of her moods but, that doesn't work either. She is now 5 and, will throw a tantrum about things we cannot control like, the rules of a game an threaten to never eat again, never speak to us again, run away and kill herself. We are finding this quite distressing.

I have spoken to the Doctor about her and he says I need to go through the school but, the school says she is absolutely fine. I am a a total loss.

Please don't think I'm trivializing this. I doubt it that she was "threatening suicide." She's just angry, and says things for shock value, I believe. She might not even fully understand the concept of "death." I didn't, until I was about 10-11 years old.

Based on what you've wrote, I would get her evaluated for SOMETHING. There are so many tools out there that we didn't have when we were kids.

She sounds very bright. She needs someone objective to talk to, in my opinion.

It sounds like autism is a possibility. Sometimes schools don't want to evaluate because it costs money, and they also don't want to have to provide services if she is diagnosed with something. Unfortunately, many parents have to fight the system to get their kids the help they need. My son's school refused to evaluate him, and we didn't fight the decision because we were getting ready to move, anyway. At his new school, they evaluated him immediately; it was clear to them that he needed support right away. It all depends on the school.

Perhaps some of this 'naughty' behavior has another explanation...for instance not wearing the sweater thing because of a missing button could point to somewhat OCD or at least obsessive traits, as in to her it would be absolute torture to put on that sweater missing a button because in her mind it 'has' to have all the buttons. So in that case this wouldn't be naughty behavior...it would be a manifestation of whatever is going on with her to set her apart from your other kids. Perhaps actually evaluating a given behavior very meticulously and getting to the bottom of it before just assuming 'naughty behavior' and punishing you may make some progress. Also if she has autism its likely she has meltdowns...it can resemble a tantrum, but its more serious a tantrum comes from a kid wanting to get their way and acting out....meltdowns come more from anxiety so treating it like a tantrum is going to be problematic if its a meltdown. Now I imagine it could be hard to separate the two every time...since it can be hard to tell if the child simply did not get their way, or if whatever it was really did distress them.

There is a parenting method called Collaborative Problem Solving that might be helpful. It's all about identifying the root causes of the problems that are causing the tantrums, and working together with the child to find solutions. Read about it in the book, The Explosive Child, and watch the videos at http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents

My 5 year old also threatens this. While it is unsettling, she's just saying it in an attempt to get "her way". I don't think it is that unusual.

My daughter was born with a temper.

When she was about 3, she would hold her breath when angry until she turned blue. She would occasionally bite my son. Until she was almost 10, if we were playing a board game and she started to lose, the fit would begin. She would want the rules changed.

These behaviors were not tolerated. If she freaked about a game, she was kicked out. She could play quietly nearby or in another room, but the rest of the family would continue to play the game.

I don't remember if she threatened to do anything like hurt herself or another person, but she would have been disciplined for using words carelessly. I know that my kids were familiar with the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf from an early age. I have taught them that precise words and meaning what one says are very important. Also, following through on promises/commitments is necessary. It is not right to throw around "threats", and such behavior would be dealt with similarly to a lie.

I agree with the other posters here. I think she probably does not *really* mean suicide, but knows it is a "bad thing" and figures it makes a good threat, especially with the other things she is threatening. I also think it is important to find out what is behind the bad behavior. I know with my daughter, there were underlying issues of needing to be in control.

*However*, and this is really important IMO, parents cannot wait to deal with bad behavior until they find out what is causing it. Bad behavior is bad behavior, regardless of what is causing it. Now, knowing what the reasons are may help to deal with it in a better way or PREVENT it, but parents have to do *something* to curtail what is being done wrong. That doesn't mean the parent is attacking the child's character, just the behavior.

If your child was continually running into the road and had some kind of "issue" that made him or her more prone to running into the road, it doesn't matter. The kid must be STOPPED from running into the road. You can't wait to treat the underlying issue - the kid will get hit by a car! If the kid can't understand what is necessary to deal with being "prone" to it, the kid still needs to associate running into the road with punishment (which is a better negative consequence than getting hit by a car.)

In my family, one of the rules is "treat everyone with respect." That includes words and actions. Lack of respect = discipline. For example:
Biting = lack of respect.
Yelling (badmouthing) = lack of respect.
Freaking out about games = lack of respect for the people one is playing with.
Threats = lack of respect.
Disobedience = lack of respect
Dillydallying = lack of respect
Leaving one's stuff around in a communal area = lack of respect

Again, I'm not saying that there aren't good reasons that a kid might be *prone* to doing such things, but the reasons can only help one learn how to prevent problems or may affect how discipline is carried out. But, regardless of the reason, behaviors like these should not be allowed. (I'm not saying you are allowing them, just talking generally.)

When my son was about 12-13, he started acting out a bit in anger, yelling and wanting to hit things, etc. I told him that it was OK for him to *be* angry, but how he was expressing it was wrong. He needed to go hit a pillow or yell in his own room instead of at someone. It both validated his feelings and taught him a more proper way of dealing with them (after he calmed down, we could discuss the problem that was causing his anger).

We have tried our best to model respect for our children. That has included validating feelings and prepping and negotiating a LOT. With things like clothing, we have allowed the kids their preferences as much as possible, so that when we say "no, you must wear this other thing", it really counts (kind of like the lack of threatening.) When we say NO, we mean it because we usually say yes. We would allow for things like needing the socks to be perfect or not wanting to wear something with the button missing, but coupled with the need for the child to get ready quickly. There have been a LOT of conversations like "I've given you this, now you need to give me that" conversations in our house.

It's not like being firm meant we never had problems. Like I said above, my daughter was having freakouts about games until almost 10 yrs old. We just kicked her out of a lot of games!

It helps to be a bit unfazed by a child's freaking and threatening, too. I remember when I threatened to run away from my parents when I was 7. They said, "OK. Go ahead." Then I tried to (packed up), and realized I couldn't carry all my books. I didn't care how much my daughter (or son) freaked. They could cry, yell, turn blue, etc. and I was unmoved. Sometimes it is a benefit to have little empathy! Now, if they were truly hurt (physically or emotionally), I would comfort them. But short of that, all their freaking was going to have no effect. They might as well have been yelling at a brick wall.

My kids are teens now, and there is almost no freaking out anymore. But, we still do a lot of prepping and negotiating, and we have a very good relationship.

Anyway, hope it helps. I wish you the best with your daughter.

As per usual, Nerdygirl's advice is Music To My Ears!

Thankyou for the replies, I am starting to realise I need a different tack with her... hard when she is the 4th youngest to change my habits. A lot of the time she will get very angry if I tell her off and say she is not naughty, and I kind of understand her thinking because, if she threw something, she won't accept that she could have hurt someone or, it could of broken.. it didn't so she will not accept that is naughty. However today, she broke something by accident and I could not console her at all. She was genuinely devastated.