divorced mom - 12 year hates me and won't come to my house

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Thank you. I think also that people can move on. I think it's all this crap that's been going on after the divorce and not the divorce itself that is hurting the most.

We went through mediation initially, not court. My ex wouldn't agree to mediation and even if we did I don't think he'd listen to a mediator. Anyway, his logic would be that he can't do anything about it...he's not "blocking access", my son just won't come, and it's my problem that I can't engage him and make him want to come. I am thinking of filing a contempt charge...most likely it will be laughed out of court, but I might have a case since he's it's still his responsibility as a parent to have my son come to me. At any rate we'll be appointed a mediator and maybe someone will see what's going on and do something.

He does get services at school. He spends time in the autism resource room, and I found out this week that he does have a one-on-one this year.

Things have gotten significantly worse. My son hit his special ed teacher with a book. We had to go to a meeting. My son told my ex that the special ed teacher called him stupid and yelled at him. This woman has worked so hard with my son and when the ex repeated that she burst into tears. It was horrible. My son didn't say a word. There was no expression on his face and he walks hunched over and looks just empty. I feel like my baby is broken. Ex sat at the head of the table, took over the meeting, yelled at the mobile therapist and when I tried to address that the principle sneered at me and said we have to work out our "home issues" between ourselves. I was trying to address the fact that perhaps yelling at someone across a table in a meeting about a kid who isn't showing people respect isn't such a great idea,but I guess I just came off as a bitter ex. I am going to back off. I'm so tired of being minimized and I hate seeing my son look like that and maybe the ex will back off if I'm not pushing. Sorry for the mini vent, this is still raw.

Good to know your son is getting supports at school; that's important (and you have no idea how hard it is to get an aide, so that means your school is serious!)

Keeping in mind that change is hard for anyone on the spectrum at its best, and disruptive change is REALLY hard, I think you may be doing a good thing backing off a bit. Not only does he have to deal with the change involved in your relationship, but he has two separate sets of routines and two separate places to eat, sleep, and live in to manage. That's a lot to ask for most kids, let alone a child who probably struggles with rigidity.

Does your son have email or a phone with text capability? I find that when I struggle to communicate with my son, written language is easier. You might tell him that you really want to be a part of his life but can't live at his house any more, and you understand how hard this is for him. Ask if you can check in with him in some sort of structured way via email - and then stick to that, or warn him when you can't email for some reason. For instance, ask if you can send him an email on Monday night, and ask him to reply by Tuesday (or whatever day works best) Developing some kind of routine that has you in it will help. Try asking about his special interests first, and letting him ramble about them a bit.

Right now his phone has been taken away because of the sleeping issue, but I was thinking I will get in the habit of emailing. Whether he answers or not at least maybe he'll see it.

The divorce isn't recent. It's been four and a half years. It just has been getting worse in the last couple years.

To be clear, what I meant about change is having to move between different environments and routines every so often: that's hard for a kid on the spectrum.

We started preparing my son to transition to Middle School the summer after 4th grade, and we started preparing him for High School the summer of 5th grade. He's a HS freshman now, but we're working on college. Those are changes in school, but not in his home life - and that's how long it takes for him to get used to the idea of change; and my son (for the last couple years, at least) needs almost no support in school, does his homework on his own, and is fairly independent. I can see where a custody schedule would be supremely difficult for a kid on the spectrum to get used to.

Here some ideas for the son.
Talk to the school about homework getting done at school during recourse room if provided. Tell the school that due to the autism he needs his day divided more concretely and the homework at home is not good his development.
After years of too much homework the new school makes my oldest do homework at school and its amazing.
Now my child gets a break before educational activities. The downtime really is wonderful.

Lower the therapy.
Make his interests the new therapy. Get him books on strategy games to encourage reading. Ask him if he will join you for game play. There are lots of interesting video and board games. There are board games that teach computer programming. Ask him if its not to stressful would he like to do a twice monthly activity go to a cheap but fave restaurant and then to a place that sells games. This will help him pick out what to eat and while it can be fun. Not all autistic children would enjoy this activity. My child's special activity is to once in a while go to the cheapo discount store with me. It cam be stressful but also a lot of fun. Last time I was too bossy and I needed to let my child pick the birthday toy for a family friend. We both had a good time.

Get therapy for yourself though. You sound very stressed.

Give small rewards for hygiene.

I have no advice with getting a better relationship with your ex husband other than i wish you luck
my parents marriage was not a good one and I have no idea why they waited til I was an adult to divorce because
neither one would admit that they weren't nice to the other.