5 Year old consumed by fear of death...

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My 5 year old son can't sleep (nightmares) and cannot stop asking questions about death.

We are doing our best to be honest with him, but as you know there are some questions that cannot be answered.
He gets upset and says that he doesn't want to die, he wants to live, and we explain to him that he is young and healthy but it doesn't seem to help.

There hasn't been a recent death in the family, but there has been several in his life time.

He asks questions like where do you go when you die? what happens to your body? We try to tell him what some people believe happens, and all we get is, "Is that what happens or not?" and he gets more upset when we tell him we don't know for a fact what happens after you die, because we aren't dead and cannot ask someone who is.

It might be better, at his age, just to say that people definitely go to heaven and are happy. He just wants to be reassured, and he's too young for deep philosophical/theological discussions. He may have an anxiety disorder.

We are convinced he has aspergers, but a proper diagnoses would do little, other than waste a whole lot of money here in Australia.

He doesn't like being mislead, and he remembers everything, more than anything he needs to be able to trust us to tell him the truth, or he will likely close off completely.

He wants to understand everything and usually does, and he does not like things that defy logic, if we insisted heaven existed it would more than likely lead to more questions like "How do we get there?", "Why do our bodies stay here?" and that would only lead to more deception.

What do you believe as a family? Are you agnostic, atheist, other faith? I would teach him what you truly believe. If you're atheist, tell him that your body goes into the ground and helps the trees and flowers grow, or something positive like that (true for most faiths, too). I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't try to get him to understand all of the ways that different faiths/cultures think about death, either. So, keep t concrete with what you believe, but soften it a bit given the fact that he's so young.

I'm not sure what we would be called for our views.

We don't believe in god, but wouldn't completely rule it out either, but think it is highly unlikely.
We don't judge others for their beliefs. We feel that we do not need "faith" or fear of god to be good people.

I like that, It is fact and is part of the circle of life.

Lately he has also been fascinated with what meat we may be eating, what animal it comes from and which part of the animal it is, he also likes to know what benefits / down sides each food item has.

"Cake makes you fat, that's why we only have cake sometimes, so it's OK."

This actually made him a lot less of a fussy eater, as soon as he saw Popeye eating spinach and worked out it made Popeye strong he has had an obsession with what foods do what. He will at the very least try everything on his plate, and if he finds something he doesn't like he will explain why he doesn't like it and then put it in the unused portion of his portion plate. He remembers everything he has eaten before and weather he liked it or not, but will try things again just to make sure he still doesn't like it.

He loves to prepare meals and honestly has been cooking our meals for the last 2 weeks straight. We only take over when the oven / stove or a sharp knife is needed.

So I think the circle of life way is a good way to go, as not only is it true, he is also already understanding that we eat animals / plants and this is necessary to be healthy.

I'm glad that you think it could work! This idea is a bit more controversial, but I also like acknowledging why people are sad when others die. So maybe the answer could be, "The sad part is that people can't talk to you or see you anymore, and you can't talk to or see other people. That is why people cry, because they miss you. But the happy part is that your body helps the trees and flowers grow, so we all stay connected, even though we'd much rather have you right here!"

That's terribly written, but it just occurred to me that he might ask why people are so sad if death is a bad thing.

Sorry, last line should read: "...if death is a GOOD thing."

My husband and I are atheist, and therefore do not believe in an after life. When eldest was about 4.5 we went through this. We discussed and decided that heaven is really no different than the tooth fairy or Santa, so to try to get her to calm down we told her she would go to heaven and so, please stop worrying and losing sleep. Didn't work. She said "sounds like magic, magic isn't real. Thats made up like Santa. I'm pretty sure than when I'm dead... Or you're dead... We... We..." More crying. Went on like that for months until she was able to stop perseverating on it nightly. My youngest? Heard about heaven and god somewhere else like tv, decided it's real, takes great comfort in it... and we're not telling her any different. Not watching another kid suffer like that and at least I'm not the one "lying" to her. In fact whoever told her that was probably certain they were telling the truth. Honestly atheism is a bit depressing. I told my husband I'm not pushing atheism, if she gets to be a couple of years older, I'll start taking her to a Unitarian service or something.

My son will be able to choose what he believes and he will not be judged for it, and he if wishes to attend church then we will take him. It is his life and I will not take individual choices away from him, or push anything on him.

He is starting school next year which will be interesting as the school he attends is very diverse with many cultures and beliefs (though limited to less than 200 kids from prep / foundation to Grade 6, I wasn't even sure what to put on the form where it asked what religion he was... I put: He is 5, he hasn't decided, but is free to make his own choices.

I guess this isn't really the place, but I don't think atheism has to be depressing at all.

If you are scrupulously honest about what you know and don't know and are comfortable with an agnostic position and probabilistic answers to the many questions whose answers are not known or that rest on unknown parameters, something beautiful, inspiring and almost indistinguishable from highly abstracted theology can come from atheism. Death is part of the ebb and flow of life, like the tides and the orbits of planets and suns, but though death means a personal transformation and the end of an identity, no atoms are ever destroyed no energy annihilated. Life and death are both aspects of the continuous transfer of energy and changes of state that are seen in all things from the smallest scales to the largest.

If you learn to love the complexity and beauty of the natural world and physical processes, knowing that we are all part of these great patterns that have been unfolding since time began is thrilling, not depressing. You really are made of atoms that were once transmuted from other elements in the hearts of ancient stars. The pattern of your being in this life may change, but the stuff that makes you up will go on forever.

And the connections you make with people, the people who love you and the people you do things with, those will last in their own way too, as long as people do. The love you shared, the things you made the words you said or wrote--these projections of your consciousness into the world will go on as long the things they touched exist, which is likely a vast stretch of time.

A non-personal god of the "ground of all being" variety (the only kind that has even the potential of credibility, I would think) has little to offer that can't also be found in the standard model and the majestic sweep of cosmology. I don't know about ghosts and souls, but love is real as are the wonders of being and knowing.

Hi, I have ASD and have always had sleep issues since I was a baby, now 19.

I been riding that train for over a decade and I have some advice for you!

1. Take him to a sleep specialist, they know what to do, GPs and paediatricians are limited in their knowledge of sleep and sleep issues. Seriously, save your child years of sleep deprivation and see a sleep specialist.

2. A child psychologist, he needs therapy, they will know how to help.

3. Buddhist mindfulness and meditation helps, he has extreme anxiety about death, this will help with anxiety and come to peace of mind with death. If you are atheist or of other religious faith don't worry, atheists, priests, psychologists use the mindfulness and meditation because it works and has been proven to have benefits.

4. As well as anxiety find if there are any other underlying issues, through the sleep specialist, psychologist and through your own observation and inquiry.

I'd suggest telling him the truth, that nobody knows what happens, no one can prove anything one way or the other so just come up with your own ideas/beliefs.

I would agree with checking for a sleep disorder if that seems to be a possibility. But that will not necessarily bring him peace of mind if he is terrified of death and the fear is keeping him awake.

If you are open to letting him take comfort in a belief in God and Heaven, that may be helpful. Our family went through this a few yrs ago with our youngest son who has HFA.

My parents were in a serious auto accident in which they were with a group of their friends when the man who was driving passed out and hit a tree. His wife, a close friend of my mothers, was killed almost instantly. We knew all of the people involved since they had all been friends since I was a child. My son perseverated on death and funerals for months.

Then, as he was getting past that, the mother of my husband's best friend passed away very suddenly from a heart attack. She was also close to our family--like another aunt although we are not blood relatives. Her death set my son off on death again.

He was also terrified that i would pass away, and that was the agonizing thing--i am young and as far as i know, healthy...but we never have any guarantees. That was a hard one to navigate.

Our family does believe in God and Heaven and if i had not had that belief to cling to i do not know how i would have comforted my child. It was months of this, at home, at school...oh my. I had some lengthy conversations with the school social worker who also asked permission to share some of her resources on heaven. It is a public school, so she could not do so without my permission, but of course i gave it. That was the only thing that comforted him at that time. He is also similar to the way you described your son in that we cannot tell him something that he later finds to be untrue or he will not trust us. So it was helpful for me that i truly do believe and told him so. For his fear of me dying, I told him that God knows all of us and exactly how much time we will spend on the earth. And that if i die, God will take care of him. (part of it is a line from a book called "The Very Worried Sparrow" by Meryl Doney, story of a little sparrow who was worried about everything and found trust in God comforting to him. That book was very helpful. You may be able to find it at amazon or ABEbooks online if you are interested.)

Now that he has that settled in his mind, he seems secure in it. Best wishes to you; that is such a hard topic to address with a child. I hope you and he can find some peace of mind. ((hugs to you and your little guy))

I agree truth is best

I believe the problem that your answer makes him more upset and angry, because you tell him about what people think! and you are not sure of that,
he needs to feel that you are more confident of your answer, give him a clear answer, tell him there are heaven for good people will go to

The problem I see with this approach is, he will firstly ask if I believe it. Secondly he will want proof. He is already asking about the universe (and has been for some time and knows a lot). It will be difficult for him to believe in heaven. If he choose to, he would be allowed to do so, but he would have so many questions that could not be answered and he relies on fact not faith.