Problems with Adult Son

Post Reply New Topic

You should read about Communicate Forever App. I assure you it will help you to maintain a good relationship with your son. Just search it on Google and use it.

I think you need to speak with your son, openly and honestly.

This sudden change from wanting to do seminary and a Ph.D. to suddenly wanting to find a job - sounds to me like an Aspie that's been influenced and swayed by someone who is manipulating him emotionally. Somewhere, someone has planted a seed in his mind that now that he has a woman in his life, he needs to do "the right thing".

Don't you think that he thinks he "needs" to find a job so he can support her? If there's one thing I know, it's like you say, us Aspie's love studying. I'm 26, doing my Ph.D. at the moment, and am definitely considering a career in research and teaching at university. I know I will not survive a "normal" job out there.

Sounds like he was all set for wanting to do his thing. There are almost always shortages of lecturers and researchers at a university. And the viewpoint of "it's only a degree in classical studies/history", well when you're at Ph.D./Post-doctoral level, you do research in just about anything, topic/field is irrelevant. A university seeks publications, that's it. If he loves it, he will be churning out work for sure, and soon perhaps even reach professor position. I mean, just thinking about my university, people study "wood science" and there's a department for obscure languages and who knows what else.

I think it often seems as though Aspie interests aren't really relevant in the "real world" and so on, but truthfully, everything is relevant. But, that's only because the niches don't (yet) exist. A university provides the right environment for these "specialist" subjects. Half your professors and researchers are somewhere on the autism spectrum, most undiagnosed. If I think back to my maths professors especially, they definitely fit the criteria.

I think this can be viewed as a test to find out what's really going for what. Maybe tell your son that's it's OK to study for a Ph.D. and support him fully. You will also soon find out what his fiance's intentions are as soon as he needs to make a "selfish" decision. If she suddenly moans and has a problem with him doing what he wanted to do, then you know who planted the "job" seed in the first place.

Sometimes, when things seem like they are only just going wrong, it is the hardest decision in the world to "go more" and "go deeper" into something.

It's like starting a company. You put in $5 million, and things go wrong. You have two choices, either pull out, or put in $50 million to go all in. It's one very very very hard decision!

I know it's hard, but maybe the answer is not to support him conditionally. Why can't he marry and study? Is his wife-to-be against this? Sounds like it to me. Where does he suddenly get this notion? And if she is unhappy with that - well that says a lot about her, doesn't it? Test her. Ask her if she will wait till he is done studying. After all, if they do really love each other...

Sometimes turning back seems like a sound decision. Pushing ahead takes deep courage. You're right, sitting with a degree in classical studies/history - not good. Because it's like a half-baked cake. A race half run. He needs to go forward, complete the thing, up to Ph.D. level, finish the race he started. You can't do 50% of the work and then say it's done. If he wants a job, he should have geared himself up for that then, not go to university, and study what is clearly a research-geared degree, meant as a stepping stone for postgrad studies.

You guys have crossed the river halfway already, you need to carry on swimming to get to the other bank, or drown/get swept away halfway in. Sorry to be brutal, but that's the hard reality.

So, one very tough choice to make. Take care!

Thank you for your insightful post. I think you have some great points.

I have never thought he would do well in any kind of "normal" job. He came to us last week and told us he has been talking to his therapist about jobs, etc. He said he realized that the liberal arts were too much for him and the way he thinks. He says he gets overwhelmed because he can see all sides of every issue, and it enhances his anxiety issues. There is no real "right" or "wrong" answer in philosophy, theology, etc. and that is overwhelming for him. He therefore has decided he would like to go back to school and pursue engineering. It is black and white, right and wrong answers etc. The main problem at this point is money. He will have to take out loans, and it will probably take 3 years. He seems to think that his fiancé will be able to be the breadwinner while he is in school. Keep in mind her only job experience is Starbucks. She is working on learning MS Office and thinks she can get a full time admin job at $40 k or something. I don't want to be negative so I haven't said anything about this plan.

I am hoping his therapist can talk with him about maybe putting off marriage until he is done with school. I don't see him being able to work, pay bills, maintain a marriage relationship, and study and go to school all at the same time. He typically has not been good at focusing on more than one big thing at a time. For his degree he just received, he worked for us part time on weekends and spent all day every day at school and then at the library.