Escape Artists?

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My son, Vlad, has always been an escape artist. Even as a baby, he would climb out of his stroller and crawl away as fast as he could. He never seemed to have any separation anxiety, never looked back, just went.

Last summer, he figured out how the lock on the front door worked, and started slipping out while I was distracted, like changing his sister's diaper or making a phone call. I'd quickly realize he was missing, and run out to look for him, but he never got very far, usually he'd be playing in the neighbor's yard or riding his trike around the block.

Recently, he learned how to cross streets safely. He's also gotten much better at communicating, so he'd say "I want to go to library!", and would usually wait for me to get ready, although there were a couple times he started off on his own.

Then he started wanting to go to a friend's house, and when told "no", he'd make a break for it. He never got very far that way, so he started being sneaky and just taking off on his own.

Monday night, I'd taken him over to the friend's, but he didn't want to leave and I ended up carrying him kicking and screaming to the van when it was time to go home. When we got home, I got out and was standing next to the van talking to my husband. My husband saw Vlad get out of the van, but thought he went to play in the sandbox, and since he was facing me, he couldn't see the sandbox. I thought Vlad was still in the van. It took a couple minutes before we realized he was gone. My husband took off on foot to try to find him, while I drove around the neighborhood searching. We stopped to ask people if they'd seen a little boy with a shaved head wearing a striped t-shirt.
After we'd searched the immediate neighborhood with no luck, my husband went home and I kept driving around, even driving all the way to the friend's house to see if Vlad was trying to go there. Along the way, I saw a police car, but did not see Vlad.

I checked back at home, and a police officer had brought Vlad home. He'd made it 4 blocks in the direction of the friend's house, crossing a fairly busy street in the process.
Child Protective Services were contacted, and they came and took Vlad and his sister from their daycare, saying that they were "at imminent risk of danger or death".
They claimed we hadn't been supervising Vlad, and that we hadn't made an effort to look for him.

Now, we need a plan to make sure Vlad never escapes again, and I need ideas on what might work. For a long time, I had Vlad wear dog tags with his name, address and phone number, but he lost them a few months ago and we hadn't gotten around to getting a new set made. We're also considering installing alarms that would go off if Vlad snuck out. The local librarians jokingly suggested a radio tracking collar, but I doubt CPS would approve. I'm also planning to ask my aunt for advice- when my cousin was Vlad's age, he'd do things like sneak out of school and go to the public library.

Any other ideas?

Theres a new thing you can get kids who wander off. I use to wander too, and I wish they had it when I was younger. You can get a tattoo for children who wander. http://tattooswithapurpose.com/home.html That might help, and you can't loose that.

Is he old enough to understand that if he continues he could be removed from your home permenantly?I could often understand what people were telling me at a higher level then I might be able to verbilize myself.Right now,it is a game.If he understands the long term consiquences,perhaps he will stop.I know kids aren't cats but my cat used to run out the door everytime I opened the door,I would run after him and he seemed to enjoy this game.Until,one day,when I had my hands full and didnt realize he had escaped until I got a call from animal services....he was in cat jail.(perhaps you could instal a chip like my cat has,that was how they knew to contact me).I rescued him from the jail and he was very happy to be home.....He doesnt try and escape any more,thought I know he would still like to go out and sniff the wild.....he doesnt want to end up in jail again.

I don't think the main concern here is how to ID tag him so that he can be returned home. I think the problem is that he is a young child wandering the streets which are full of dangers that may cause harm or even death!

I am not sure how young your son is. I really feel for you, I believe you are doing the best you can, and your eyes just can't be on him 24/7. I think you need to look into the medical records you have on your son. Review what you have told professionals, have you indicated to anyone he is a runner/ escape artist? If so, try and get copies of any documentation any professionals may have, they will back you up as having a problem you are proactively looking for solutions with and are not just negligent parents.

What happened is a simple missunderstanding between you and your husband as to the whereabouts of your son. It could have happend to anyone. That said, I am not surprised that CAS was contacted or that your are under investigation, because it is one of those things that could have such a tragic outcome. Which I am sure in one way or another, you understand!

I really think that you need to contact CAS and ask them what they need you to do to make sure this never happens again. See if you can take their lead, as they must have some standards or protocols that are routinely recommended for young children that habitually wander off. Show a genuine interest in wanting to co operate with them and make sure that your son is safe from here on in. Having medical documentation though, should show them that it is not your poor parenting that is the problem, it is having a child with autism to which you have not had the experiance to know how to handle.

I don't know if he understands that he's been put in foster care because he ran away, or if he understands that we could lose him forever if he does it again.

As far as the dangers of him wandering on his own, he knows how to look both ways before crossing the street, and is very cautious about it. He's at less risk of being hit by a car than the average U of I student. We live in a quiet neighborhood in a town with one of the lowest crime rates in Iowa. We're close to a school, so registered sex offenders can't live in our neighborhood. The library is 2 blocks away, and the librarians all know Vlad. On nice days, there are usually lots of kids playing outside, and the neighborhood kids know Vlad. There realistically isn't that much trouble he could get into in the few minutes it takes to track him down.

Thinking back to when I was his age, I was allowed to wander the neighborhood quite a bit, and started walking to school on my own when I was just a few months older than he is. Of course, since then the cultural mindset has changed, and everyone is much more worried about all kinds of horrible things that could happen to a child. The world hasn't gotten more dangerous, it's people's perceptions that have changed.

I think you are absolutely out of your mind if you do not see the magnitude of what is going on here.

Your son is 4 years old and probably has Aspergers. You have had CPS involvement over the state or your house, and in what sounds like a rather nasty back and fourth argument questioning the emotional / mental stability of yourself and the home that you provide with your spouse. All of this is in the last few months, now your four year old is found blocks away from the house unsupervised wandering, and you don't think this is a big deal?

Sure, you have reasons for each thing that sound somewhat reasonable and like the situation is being "overblown" such as a few papers being "garbage on the floor" or a few dishes being "days worth". I could see this happening to me. but then you add, your husband just lashing out at you to hurt you, using CPS like a wepon, and now "I thought he was in the car, my husband thought I could see him playing in the sandbox, really he was blocks away from the house having crossed a busy street, it isn't like there are sex offenders in my neighbourhood..."

You are building up a rap sheet that honestly I don't see how or why a judge would not take your kids away for an extended period of time. You need to stop making excuses and acknowledge that you have problems, even if they are just perceptions...

I can sympathize with the house cleaning, I can even understand his getting away from you. But if you don't view it as a "problem" and think that a four year old boy with aspergers (or even NT) wandering blocks away from you unsupervised is "not a big deal" then honestly you have major issues.

We had a 10 year old picked up in a neighbourhood a couple years back by a non registered sex offender. It was his first offense. He took her, wanted to rape her, could not do it (so the story goes) paniced, and cut her body into tiny little pieces and left her all over Toronto to be found piece by piece. You have serious issues if you think your 4 year old is safe just because of where you live!

I don't let my 4 year old cross a street with traffic without holding my hand! She can't cross my residential street on her own where maybe 1 car drives down the street every five minutes! It is a matter of principle.

As for his wandering off and you being able to track him down quickly, sounds like you did a bang up job of that the other night!

Now, one final thing is, you think your son has Aspergers, that right there means that you cannot put the same expectations on him that may be boarderline acceptable for an NT child. He does NOT have the same theory of mind, he is extra vulnerable to strangers, he is probably easily distractable, he could wander to the point he becomes disoriantated and lost.

You CANNOT rely on librarians and kids playing outside to keep him safe. That is just BS. It is your job, be a parent! If you can't even admit you have a problem beyond CPS and everyone else being mean, I really think you should have your kids taken away!

You need to step up to the expectations of parents in 2007. Unspeakable things happen to little boys wandering around alone in what appear to be Safe Communities. Making jokes about your four year old being safer crossing a street then a university student is appauling!

Regardless the reasons, you just never know when a kidnapper is going to happen to drive by a neighborhood and see a 4 year old playing, or when a car is going to be driving too fast. I saw a case on court TV not that long ago where a lady kind of let her children wander some and both of them wound up dead-they had been playing near a septic tank I believe, uncovered it, fell in and drowned just from simple curiosity of children.

That being said though, the idea isn't rationalizing whether or not him getting out is a big deal. To CPS it is whether you feel it is or not, and the goal is to keep him from doing it because they don't care about whether or not he looks both ways when crossing the street and whatnot, and how safe your neighborhood is, they look at the possibility of absolutely ANYTHING happening. So the goal is to keep it from happening again. You don't need to worry about what they think and don't worry yourself sick trying to rationalize that it's not a big deal-your problem now is that CPS is watching, and you don't want your kids taken away. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what the reason is, or how you feel about it and whatnot, what matters is that you need to keep him inside because they have told you to. They've basically given you an ultimatum whether you like it or not.

That being said, both of my children tend to get out as well. My daughter regularly sneaks out to go talk to the next door neighbor's dog, lol. She knocks on the door then stands there and talks to the puppy when they open the door. It's still a scary thing though to just look away for 5 minutes and turn around with her gone. She moves so fast she could be ANYWHERE within that amount of time

I now have 2 chains on my door, and always keep them locked as my son and daughter both do this-I have the chains on the door up high so that neither of them can reach the chain, even with a chair! I also have bells on the outside of my door so that when it swings open it jingles like crazy. There are also some really neat doorknob covers:

http://hardware.hardwarestore.com/28-45 ... 04289.aspx

a few different styles-where you have to push in both sides for it to grip the doorknob in the first place before you can turn it-I have all of these on my doors and still have problems opening them up as an adult at times.

Maybe try some loud motion detector type things (the frogs and such that make music and all) near the door, so that you will hear something for sure. If your door is in a little walkway type thing, maybe put a child gate up in front of it-my mother has one that is similar to this one:

http://www.baby-wise.com/product_info.p ... ts_id=1340

a child gate in front of the walkway can be a pain, but this one is fairly easy to get through once you get the hang of it (just make sure your 4 year old isn't watching when you figure it out ), and isn't too bad to get used to at all

I would avoid things like dog tags and all of that as a main solution. Since you know he does tend to get out, that will get him home, yes, which is absolutely wonderful, but it's not a solution to keeping him from doing it again, that's just a way to get him back home if someone finds him.

I wish you much luck and hope some of these ideas are helpful, as I've had to block my doorway many a time, lol, and though people's perspectives have changed over time and people are more paranoid, there are a lot of really bad people out there all the same, so it's never a bad thing to take some precaution-it can save you both from a lot of trauma in the long run

We know his wandering is a problem now. It had been a problem last summer- he'd sneak out and ride his trike around the block. However, up until CPS forced me to move out of the home, it had been 8 months since he'd left the yard on his own. It was only after I went to stay with friends that he started making escape attempts again, to try to get to the place I was staying.

I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent, but no one is. We've been having serious problems in our marriage, and we've been working on them and going to counseling. We've gotten the house cleaned up, but it's hard to keep a home ready for an unannounced white glove inspection 24/7 when there are small children living there. We're trying our best to do the right thing for our kids, we've gone to parenting classes, we're doing everything we're supposed to do, but we're not perfect.

Every parent has "bad mommy moments". I feel like I'm being judged completely on those moments, and that all the good things I do for my kids are being ignored.

I think you sound like a good mom and maybe some people are biased against your appearance and life style choices and making assumptions based on their own biases.You certainly are handeling the comment better then me,I was ready to "go off",but decided not to interfer as it usually just gets me into trouble.

I used to wonder all over the neighborhood.The only reason my mom didnt freak out is she was to wraped up in her romance novels and glad to have me out of the house.I would wonder in the woods for hours and it was the only peace in my life,I lived the freedom and never had any thing bad happen.....perhaps it is all fate(We did have a local pervert but he managed to not find me.....lucky for me).Most of the people who have hurt me in my life have been related or "pretend boyfriends"...I was very nieve.I also used to get lost when out with my folks because I would get "drawn" to a special interest(rocks)and my parents would keep walking(So,I didnt lose them,they lost me).Our house was immaculate and miserable with my moms OCD(She hated cleaning,so I was the one responsible for doing all the cleaning).....Now I hate the look of a "sterile,Leave It To Beaver"house....truely makes me sick to my stomach by association...so a little clutter shows that people live there....key word being....LIVE.CPS did a great job in placing my sisters and me in foster care....they were both sexually molested by their "care-giver.....and I was beaten and harassed by the alcoholics they first sent me to(luckily,I did get removed and put in better care)But judging someone by surface values is absurd.The guy who molested my sisters was the Decon of his church,the place I was sent to was VERY middle class clean....guess they forgot to check all the bottles of alcohol they drank.

So dont get discouraged.Your kids need YOU.Try and follow the advice of the above poster and ignore the ignorant comments of the other.....(I am sure she meant it as a "wake-up",tough love sort of thing and not the insulting and slanderous post that I inturpreted it as.)

I'm not trying to judge at all-just trying to open up other perspectives as to why they are so concerned about it as you seem a bit distraught just about the fact that they were even concerned in the first place, and have lots of reasons stating why it isn't as serious as it sounds to them (no offense meant at all by that, honestly).

I've had these issues with my son as well, and my ex had an autistic son that would wander off all of the time. That's where I found all of these little tricks to help when we were living with him-it really did work wonders and helped me with a lot of the "what ifs" that I'd think of when he did, as well as helping out with what neighbors thought of us, lol-it definitely helps form an odd view of one if neighbors are seeing things like that

Now, I watch a LOT of court TV, lol, so I tend to be a bit paranoid from that-I see all kinds of horrible stories, and if I said anything that hurt, try not to take it personally I just mean that I've seen a lot of really bad things happen due to things like this, and things always can happen. It's hard and troublesome to think about, but it does happen out there.

So just trying to offer some tips/tricks to help you out in keeping your little one safe and to help keep him from wandering, since that is initially what you were asking to begin with It is very hard to keep an eye on children all the time, but that's why they make things like that.

Nobody is expected to be a perfect parent-I'm imperfect in a lot of things, so I'm definitely not trying to come down hard on ya or anything

As far as worrying about unexpected "white glove inspections", just make sure dishes are done and the place is vaccummed, of course make sure trash is out too. Don't worry so much about toys laying all over the place and whatnot-they do realize children live there and won't take that into consideration so much as long as the sanitary things are cleaned up, and a sink full of dishes isn't too much to worry about, just try to stay on top of them-I've gotten into habit of washing ours 3 times a day, but what they look for is things like dishes overflowing from the sink onto the counter, trash bags piled up all over the place, old food left out, stuff like that from what I gather.

We keep the house clean, but CPS tends to assume the worst and exaggerate. A sink full of clean dishes in a rack waiting to be put away can look like a sink full of dirty dishes if you just glance at it from across the room.

As for dangers: my first memory is of cutting my finger off with an unopened can of apple juice when I was about 18 months old. You never know what kind of freak accident is going to happen, so you have to be careful. Still, you can't live your life in fear, so you take risks like driving in a car, which is a much more likely way for a child to be killed than stranger abduction. I'd have to check my stats, but I believe more children die in foster care than are kidnapped and murdered by strangers. So, when Vlad ran off, my worst fear was that the cops would find him before us and CPS would be alerted. That seemed like the most realistic danger, and that's what happened. Of course, in Vlad's world, the most realistic danger would be that a t-rex would bite him, or a giant squid would try to strangle him, so I'm familiar with skewed perceptions.

You know what, I agree that a few papers on the floor is not a big deal, I think a bigger deal is not letting your kids colour in the first place out of fear they will make a mess. A lot of the things you have mentioned seem really rather petty and in trying to control every little thing, you actually could be doing more harm then good in other ways.

I remember when my son was a young boy, we would not let him play on any park equipment, we felt it was too unsafe for him to be climbing ladders and going down slides on his own. The end result was stunted motor development, by JK he could not play like his peers! He was babied to much! Then, one night when he was not feeling well, I made a bowl of soup, placed it on top of the T.V. bent down to put on a Thomas Video (still in arms reach of the soup) and he reached up and pulled it down. It splashed all over both of us, I got a few red marks, he was in the hospital for 10 days with 2nd degree burns. Things happen, no matter how careful you are. And if your dishes are in the sink, or in the cupboard, honestly I don't see how one makes you a better parent or your kids a lot safer! Indeed, letting your kids make a few messes, and saying "not going to do the dishes right now and bring the kids to a park instead" just makes sense in my head!

But, the point is, CPS has other ideas, and this and the problems you are having with your husband right now are developing a very ugly skewed view of your household before a judge. It sounds like you have most of the other situations under control, and that is good, I was just really upset to see that you did not see that allowing a 4 year old to wander really is very very dangerous!

I know my daughter who is NT, if she makes a few wrong turns she would be completely lost even blocks away from home. This may cause he to wander even further astray. It sounds like in the few minutes Vlad got away from you, he really booked it! This was not a he is just around the corner, I'll go get him! If you need to get in a car and drive then that is not close by! I also think it is important to view your children escaping as being a very serious matter, they ARE in eminant danger of death or serious harm! Running statistics to evaluate risks is not the right thing to do. You need to show to CPS that you take Vlads running off just as serious as they do.

As for why he is doing it, it could be a break in the routine, mommy left, it reinstated old patterns. It could be why my 3 year old has forgottne all the potty training and wets himself everytime we go out now. Simply, when seasons change often behaviors in young children do to. At the end of the day, it does not matter "why" he is doing it. You just need to make a solid plan to prevent it from happening again and believe in the fact that it is not acceptable or safe for him to do so.

Again though, I suggest that you get any medical documentation of his running tendancies, his having (or probably having AS) and all the things you have done to be the best parent you can be!

Yeah, I've seen them exaggerate quite a few things with other people, so I see what you are saying for sure.

While it's true anything can happen at any time, in any situation, I think their big thing is just trying to prevent it from happening again, regardless. There really are a lot of weirdos out there these days-my bf and I talk about that kind of stuff all of the time. You never know what's going on in the next door neighbor's head even if you've lived next to them all of your life-and that's rather unfortunate Most kids I think are taken/hurt by people they've known for a long time, people who are close to them or their family, etc. It's unfortunate that you can't really trust people 100% anymore. I remember roaming the neighborhood in St. Louis when I was younger-we lived in an area that was considered safe at the time-now if you tell someone you are going there, they worry like crazy because of how bad it's gotten over time, lol.

That alarm idea that you had for the door sounds like that could actually be useful-especially if he is able to escape so silently. There are so many things you can do to prevent it from happening as easily. I don't know what your area is like, but around here, I think they would chill a bit if they saw you were taking the precautionary actions.

I've had a few calls from DFS-visits and all... all were found to be false claims, as most were called by angry ex boyfriends. It's happened 3-4 times and the best way to get through it is just to say "yes" "no" to their questions. When you try to argue or understand what they are saying exactly, or you start getting into why you don't think it's a huge deal, or even just explaining it was a one time incident, they tend to pick up on that as covering up bigger problems, or trying to sugarcoat an on-going problem. Tell them as little information as possible when it comes to this type of stuff, despite how badly you want to say it, I think it will save you a lot of trouble, lol-I know it saved me a few times. The first time I bothered to try to explain an entire situation to them, they came back 4 times afterwards just to make sure it wasn't a recurring problem, lol.

Looking at it from their view though, they must see an awful lot of horrible stuff, ya know? After a while I think that makes them a bit cynical and they just kind of expect the worst out of people. Just be very nice, invite them in if they show up, opt any information they would like about an incident, etc., and if they say something is amiss, just agree or give a short reason why you feel differently. Try not to get worked up emotionally, as that tends to make them look at you differently too. When they tell you things to get straightened up, write it down, and make it a point-rather than explaining why something happened, try to explain why they are getting called in the first place.

When they see that your hubby is angry at you and is calling them, they are less likely to look at it as a huge incident or an all the time problem. If you are explaining why something happened and focusing on trying to explain that, then they are more likely to look at it as a regular occurance I think. With all the bad things they see, who wouldn't? Most people who beat their kids have a ton of reasons for it, and they deal with and see this stuff every day, ya know? So I think that feeds it in a way. But ask them-they cannot tell you exactly who called normally, make sure they know you all are going through some rough stuff, and make sure to tell them he is calling because he is angry at you. They also see that kind of stuff every day-one time occurances or things that happen every once in a while can be misconstrued very easily when someone is angry-who knows what he is actually telling them?

I agree with Earthcalling, you may want to get a diagnosis or let them know that this is being checked into with him, then ask them if they have any suggestions-let them see that you are actively looking for ways around this, and are genuinely just as concerned as they are (even if you are not, it appears that way). It just looks better all around, and as a bonus, you will most likely get a really good idea of what exactly they are looking for you to do to change it or fix the problem, so you can base it off of that. When they see those things change and that you are doing exactly what they are suggesting, they will very likely be pleased with you and lay off a bit, and will be there moreso for help as well than they are right now. It's always good to ask what exactly they suggest, because your idea of what might be helpful and theirs could be 2 entirely different things, and they see these types of things a lot-I'm sure they would have plenty of suggestions and ideas of things they have seen worked with children like ours, and it better helps them get an overall understanding of the situation when you are asking them for help with hit also

Sorry for reiterating everything I said before, what you said, and what Earthcalling said, lol, and I hope I'm not being too confusing I wish you much luck! Remember the sooner you comply and just do what they want ya to do, the quicker you get them off of your back

I met with the assessment worker today, and explained what happened, and how I intend to make sure it doesn't happen again, the alarm, the dog tags, etc.

She agreed that it was a good plan.

However, it seems it might be awhile before we get the kids back. My husband needs to get a job, and we need to keep our home up to their standards- which will be easy with no kids.
I'm doing everything they want me to do, the main thing that needs to happen is for him to get a job. Honestly, most of what has gone wrong in our lives was because of his unemployment and the resulting money problems.

The good news is that Vlad is in a foster home with a special needs teacher, and seems to be doing well there. I'm hoping to get our daughter placed in the same home, I don't have quite as good of an impression of the home she's in.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get the kids back, and I'm hoping my husband will do the same.

I wish you much luck! It sounds like you sure are going through a lot right now you will be in my thoughts as well as Vlad and your daughter It's hard to hear they were separated, not only from you but from each other-it's a shame

But anyway, lol, as I'm sure you don't want to think about that much right now I will be thinking of you and the kiddos and wish you the best