Options for adult children when everybody's in denial

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Hi,

My brother is 39 and undiagnosed. My son is on the spectrum and is wired identically to my brother. Bro hasn't taken on any responsibility in his life, is unable to keep a job or live successfully on his own; he is content to live at my parents' house and be cared for. He has gone through a very sad cycle, in & out of halfway houses with addiction struggles, relationships with inappropriately/illegally young girls...nobody ever stepped in and said this kid needs help. my parents, his teachers, SOMEBODY should have pushed for an evaluation but there are underlying, deep denials and in-truths in my family, so it fits that they didn't see that anything about him needed support.

It's at a point where it's finally clear to my mom that he doesn't want a job or the independence that can come with it. My father is convinced that my brother is fine, it's a bad time to look for work, one excuse after another, totally unwilling to discuss the possibility of diagnosis and support. My mom, like I said, recognizes that nothing is going to magically change but has no idea where to start. Money is a big hurdle, as a lot of their income goes to my bro's methodone. The other hurdle is personalities - my dad & brother won't even hear it if they think she's going to suggest pursuing a dx or anything that goes with it. They are gifted diversionists, and will use cruelty to maintain in control. Fun stuff.

What I'd like to ask after all that, is for ideas on how to talk to people who don't want to hear it, and ideas for where my brother can go? I think he needs a group home that helps build independent living skills, but how do you get started there is you have only resistance?

Thank you.

What does your brother do at home all day?
How much is he still addicted to drugs?
Maybe one place is to start is him doing more things to help around the house, if he is not now.

You've got an entire family that is basically committed to helping your brother stay exactly the way he is without any reason to change. I'm sorry to say that whatever you attempt to do about it, you'll most likely continue to be met with angry resistance. Only one of two things can effect a change:

1. Your brother for reasons of his own decides he doesn't want to live this way any longer.
2. Your parents become unwilling or unable to support him in living this way.

What does he do all day at home, let's see. He burns incense, blasts hip hop, shops online for sneakers he'll never wear, spends hours in the bathroom on his pampering/showering routine, makes demands and yells.

As for addiction, he's maintaining legally on methodone.

Molly, you are so right! Nobody has ever challenged him or made sure he did what was asked. 2/3 of them are completely unwilling to address any issue, and the 1/3 that is, is so clueless that I (yet again) am searching for a way for this situation to wind up somewhere this side of fubar.

I've read similar stories many times from family members trying to help someone like your brother start doing anything other than living at home doing nothing productive and consuming parents' resources without prospect of increased independence in future. I didn't hear back about anyone successfully getting out of this situation or even starting to get out of it. Perhaps you could ask this same question on the general discussion forum, ask if anyone was in your brother's situation themselves and how they got out of it, what helped them, how others got through to them, etc. But be prepared that some significant subset of people will say that your brother is fine the way he is and maybe he doesn't want to be independent, maybe he's too disabled, it's not a waste of time/resources/life to blast hip hop and spend money that he didn't earn buying useless things, etc. Don't listen to them, that perspective is not realistic and won't help your brother. Possibly someone has been in the same situation and can help with tips for how to help your brother.

...15

Maybe should apply for disability and try getting into subsidized housing and be in programs for support...that would help with some degree of independence. And sounds like he has plenty of issues that may qualify...also he'd get medicaid that way. What do you mean your parents will use cruelty to stay in control? like their mean to him and verbally abusive and discourage him from doing anything to better himself? If so than it would be healthy for him to get away from them.

Disability and some sort of support home is the dream. But nobody is willing to talk about it, and my father and my brother use cruelty to maintain control, which keeps my mom mostly quiet about it. It's a really terrible situation. But if he could get a diagnosis, collect disability and contribute a bit, that would be HUGE.

The big worry is a long-term one. My parents' marriage is in rough shape. I don't know how long my mom is going to stick around with those two. They are aging and poor, and when they are gone there is no plan for my brother (how could there be when the consensus is there's nothing wrong?).

I have less and less of a problem with how my brother spends his time, the more I understand about asd through my son. I see that he never had any support and just doesn't have the skills to go out and be independent. It's really sad.

The current hurdle is getting them to collectively agree that they are on a track that cannot be sustained when my parents are gone (and I can not/will not take him in). But the communication barrier is significant.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Oh and just to clarify - what's really sad above is not his lack of skills but his total lack of support for his real needs across his lifetime.

Sounds like a very difficult and complicated situation.
My only idea is to contact Easter Seals if you are in the U.S. and talk to them about the situation.

At least at the one near me, they have people there that can diagnose and have a lot of information on resources for help and will help with job training.

They may have help financially
for the payment for diagnosis.

I know the barrier is that your brother and dad won't want a diagnosis, but just thinking that the people at Easter Seals may have encountered a situation like this before and may have some thoughts on how to help with all of this.

Maybe it would be best for your brother to live out his life with your father, who accepts him as he is without a label. Why is this your business, exactly? Do you live with them, or are they asking you for help? You have already decided you won't care for him after they die, so it's not your problem to worry about. If your mom can't stand it, invite her to come live with you.

So you want him to get money from others and transfer his current activities to a group home to be cared for by others?
What about learning some basic skills?
He's not too old, it's possible to develop some skills, if only to help parents around the house or as they get older.
Or develop some amount of responsibility and maturity as an adult.
These things that are beneficial to him as a person, he can do without diagnosis.
Most of the people who posted about this before, their family members had diagnosis and they wanted their family members to get real help to get out of the nothing life, not get diagnosis to get disability and go to group home without trying to develop skills or get some independence.

Please don't misunderstand my position of not wanting or being able to take him in as not caring. I'm here asking for options because I care deeply, I just can't open myself and my own family up to him any longer. Long and complicated history (including much abuse) there. He's lucky I haven't walked away altogether.

As far as my dad being accepting of my brother, that's not it - it's more like my dad fully expects (after a 40 year cycle of no moving forward!) for my brother to get a job, save up, move out, be independent. His tactic is screaming. He hasn't learned in 40 years it has no effect. There is literally no hope there. More complicated history.

I want him in a group home situation so he can make some progress, not so he can suck up resources. I'm shocked it came across otherwise. He really needs other people looking out for him, as my parents have failed him. His current situation is certainly not a happy one, but he doesn't have the skills to figure out how to do something about it.

Easter Seals is a great idea; thank you.

I think your best opening is your son's diagnosis: the more you talk about your son and his diagnosis, the more opportunities you give them all to finally connect the dots on their own. Under the guise of wanting everyone to understand your son, try to connect them to literature, videos, etc; anything that you think might resonate.

My child's texted me a bit ago upset about another failed job interview he tried really hard showed up dressed to impress. He is reaching out for help. It's been almost 6 yrs since I meet him. I always knew he had some sort of condition/suffering along with a severe dog attack at age 10 leaving scars in and out. Being a empath I was determined help and fix but was sucked in and drained emotionally trying to convince him and his family of suspected Autism. Finally let go and driven away about 1.5 yrs ago. Our son is now 2.7 yrs and diagnosed 2 months ago autism. I always knew since baby was different. Father and father family won't accept. Not worried bout that at all. Now child father is seeing the similarities in him as child and now. Also in his other family members. He lives in a room at his grandmothers house who is bed ridden now as of 6 yrs ago. She raised/cared for him and still would be if able. He started drinking and marijuana probably as young as 14 or 15 to cope and never stopped. Family let him of course it's easier than acceptance. Worked for his Uncle many years. Uncle finally laid off about 5 yrs ago became more of a babysitting/yelling at him more than job. Can barely read or write well. Eye contact horrible. Laughs when not funny. Cannot understand directions or body language or expressions well. Same routine everyday. Does not like change even when better like new sheets. Hears sounds not in head but outside more at night when quiet. Stays in room with TV.. content. Severe insomnia thinking alcohol helps you sleep but passes out evidentially. Marijuana makes everything better and sleep easier only do wee hours before bed. His relief is sad to see cause its temporary. Yes what is up with the shoes and clothes searching online!. Or buying and never wearing the sneakers! Also the long bathroom/shower rituals.. 1 hour or more! There is so much more I witness now and over years. Now his family who let him go untreated and undiagnosed wants to put pressure and threats of kicking out on streets when grandma passes. I've tried to intervene years ago and was so horrible and unsuccessful. My son will not grow up into a undiagnosed adult. I am determined and proud of early intervention. I don't want his Dad to suffer but I can't care for both. I don't want too. I need to find a solution too for him..he wants that normal adult man life but condition is holding him back. His bully family has the control over him.... they try but it's damaging. Oh and now damaged heart ventricle. So no heavy drinking anymore and no marijuana for any drug tests for job. Dealing with a grump x 2. It's my sons father I feel responsible to make sure his Dad will be role model over years. I know what your going thru. My son can't do eye contact he grabbed his Dad face and forced a stare off with him. I've never seen my son do that to anyone. His Dad lost the stare off had to look away. My son for once had control and recognized the weakness in his Dad. I told him your son just diagnosed you with Autism.