New to Forum/ 13 yr old Aspie son

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Hello. I am the dad of a 12 year old (turns 13 next month) with Aspergers. My wife and I have a good team around us of professionals from all walks of the field and are fortunate that our son seems to be doing fairly well. He is in a "regular" middle school, has developed several close friends (the closest being kids with some spectrum issues of their own we are convinced) and things around the house have been calmer for last year or so. However... here we are at 13ish and the hormones are clearly starting to show themselves in attitude if nothing else. More defiance, more anger, and less self control. Granted thats normal for any teen (I vaguely remembered myself as a teen ) however, with AS its certainly more challenging and nerve wracking for my wife and I. Today was a giant round of I HATE YOU and f**k YOU (hope language use here on the site is OK) from my son because of the issues that often surface about homework and the need to do ones best at school. He "hates school, doesn't care about grades,etc etc". When the insults to me crossed the line (as described above) I calmly took the gameboy away. He exploded and grabbed by shirt as if to hit me. (he is a blackbelt ! !) He advised that if I did not give him his game boy, he would punch me. So I calmly snapped his gameboy in half and handed it back to him saying that what he just did is not acceptable, that its not allowed in our house if he wants to live with us he follows the rules of a respectful house etc. He went hysterical about the gameboy being forever broken and we stayed with him as he went over the top, cried his eyes out, calmed eventually, and had good long talks about love in families being eternal and that it must however be mixed with rules and respect. Anger is OK, but acting violently or very disrespectfully is now etc. He's ok now, but BOY was this a vision of things to come or what? So here I am at the forum, thinking that others may have been here/done that with tweens/teens and can offer some advice. Many Thanks. Mark

snapping it in half was a little harsh.....

I agree frankly it was a bit harsh, but at the same time is its not OK to threaten to harm your father and to grab my chest in that way. I was angry myself. Us parents are human too (though it doesn't seem it sometimes) and we react in ways that we sometimes regret later. However all in all, I think the message was made that certain behavior cant be accepted.

I hate to say it, but I think this too. People with AS can get very attached to objects (in a way that NTs don't) so breaking an object can be very upsetting to an aspie in a way that might be difficult for you to understand. I was upset when I read that you snapped it in half.

As for adolescence, I think one of the most important things is to prepare your son for the things that come with adolescence - like friends playing 'mind games' and peer pressure and strategies for dealing with bullying. Also explain the changes that the body will go through and what feelings he might have and how to deal with them and what is appropriate and what is not.

Try to be understanding as possible. I don't mean let him get away with anything - but remember that if you have AS the world can be a very confusing and frightening place where you are surrounded by these weird creatures (NTs) who you can't understand and who don't make any sense and who seem completely illogical - hence the feeling that you are an 'alien' who has got stranded on the 'wrong planet'.

Obviously, unacceptable behaviour must be punished, but try to understand that the world can be a terrifying and bewildering place for people with AS.

As a parent of an 8 year old aspie son, I probably would have done the same thing with the game boy. I have done it to my NT 12 year old with things. Disrespect and threats are not ok no matter which child they are coming from.

I do sympathize with you about the hormones thing. My NT 12 year old is going through the same thing and sometimes I wonder if he will make it to 13 let alone 18. I remember being a teenager, I was just not a male teenager. So my husband says that the things he does are normal I don't get it. Raising teens are hard no matter what... Aspie or NT.

My aspie son is 16. if you think things are bad at 13, reallly this is only the begining. Everything geets worse the agression, the stress. the anger. You might get away with breaking his things now but I would not recommend it when he is bigger. my advice would be to keep your distance and give him time to cool down. Don't make a difficult situation even more explosive because it is much more likely that one day he will turn round and hit you.
Also is it really fair to break his posessions when he is suffering from a disability?
What do you thinik you are teaching him by such behaviour? That it is ok to break people's things if you are bigger than them, or if you are an adult? Don't you think that he will learn from your example.

you say that acting violently is not ok, but then you go and snap the gameboy in half????????????????
isn't that acting violently ???????????????
if you want him to act appropriately, then you need to act appropriately too. I'm not saying that he should be allowed to walk all over you, but acting violently in response to his threat isn't solving anything.
i have a 15 year old aspie, and i know exactly what you mean by the combination of teenager & aspergers~ believe me, it's not that much fun. we've worked hard to make things in the house calm.

My son is very attached to his gameboy, I just put it on a shelf until he calms down then give it back to him. Anything that even gets broken by accident is very devastating for him and he will cry for hours and hours and hours, hardly moving. He's only 5, but I don't think the reaction varies much. I'm 26 and I still get upset about something breaking on an accident.

While it's not okay to threaten a parent, maybe just ground him for a few days from it, or find a place to put such things up and tell him when he calms down you will give it back, that way you aren't basically killing a "friend", as he might see it (that's how I see my things, lol), or one of the few things that make him feel like he's able to maintain sanity of some sort (which is another way I see them).

Definitely not saying it's okay for him to threaten you or grab your shirt, but trust me, things like this will only fuel it and make it worse, and ultimately as a parent, you want to help him understand that it is NOT okay, but you want to be understanding as well. High shelves and hiding places are nice That way you get the point across that it is NOT okay, but he also knows he will get it back in one piece.

also.. kind of thinking about it from my point of view growing up... when things like this happened, I didn't even care why at that point-what I did was no longer an issue, so he might not have learned anything from it at all. All I remember knowing was that my stuff was gone, but I didn't remember why because I was so upset over the after-effect of it all, and how it even escalated to that point.

I would learn that if I tried to do THAT PARTICULAR THING, my favorite thing in the world would get broken or would be pitched, and I wouldn't do it again, but that made for other methods of being angry coming out and eventually, by the time I could move out, I was extremely bitter towards my parents because of all of these horrible memories of them taking my things away. I didn't even think about what I put them through. I know now... many years down the line, but I wasn't thinking about it at the time-I hated my mother for a very very long time and just recently we've been rebuilding that... I moved out of her house 8 years ago and just started really speaking to her again.

Thanks to all of you for your input. Yes, on reflection I probably wish I had not broken it. I have spoken to my son tonight and told him my thoughts about it and my feelings about it. We both agreed that we acted harshly out of emotion and that we each regret it. In a strange way, it became a healing thing. We both are human. We all act before we think sometimes. Its the owning up to it and working hard not to repeat it thats important when mistakes are made. Even when discussing it I made it clear that my apology was for my action, but I am not apologizing for setting rules in the house we all must live by. Oddly, I think it helped him to not be the "wrong" one while the parent was the "right" one. We both were right/wrong, mad etc. He will get a new Gameboy for doing his best in the remaining few weeks of school, doing his homework etc.

Also thanks for the understanding of the frustration we are facing as hormones meets aspergers.

I was in a similar situation when I was 13 (I'm 15 now) and had homework problems....
It only got worse until I was finally removed from school at 15

Hormones aren't the only things at play in a situation like this, I don't know the details of your situation but just remember that typical protocol doesn't apply at times like these and the school is not always right....and barely ever is in my own opinion.

so glad to hear that you've settled things ! it is very hard sometimes to remain calm in the heat of the moment, but i've learned through many errors that it's necessary to do so to help my son grow.

I also agree that destroying the Gameboy was a little harsh. I can see your son holding a grudge against you for a very long time, over that one. I know that I would if it was me. I have a few objects that are very dear to me, and if anybody was to break them or take them away from me, I would be very devistated.

Well I think you did the right thing bacuse he need sto learn not be attached to objects its part of coping in a NT world, I ahte the way somtimes on this site other critasuze parents I dont htink its anybodys job to do since after lal where a online and b supposed to be supportive

Ummm in the adult NT world isn't breaking someone elses property called vandelism?

And that's treating someone with AS like the movie character, Rain Man and that's not right.