Inappropriate Touching

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Hello all-

I have not been on in quite sometime. My 11 yr old Aspie is now in 6th grade in public school. He has never really had any friends, but apparently, another boy in the special ed department has befriended him. Yesterday, when I picked him up from school, his face was red and I could tell that he had been crying. I asked him what had happened and he said that he had been trapped in the bathroom by this other boy. After talking to him, I got it out of him that the boy had exposed himself to him and was trying to pull my son's pants down and then would not let him leave the bathroom. The teacher sent another student to check on them after awhile since my son had not come to class. I have spoken with the school and handled this to the best of my ability. My question is, have any of you had this happen to your children and was your child really bothered by it or did they seem to move on? I am not sure if I should take my son to talk to a psychologist or not. Any advice?

This is sexual assault, not just "inappropriate touching", and the other kid should be suspended at bare minimum, though expulsion might also be the requirement. Check the schools behavioral guidelines, they should detail the exact thing. This is serious business.

I know. My husband and I have decided to withdraw our son from public school and I have talked with the school counselor. They talked to the other boy and he admitted it, so at this point, I am letting the school handle the other kid. I am just not going to send my son back. I have the means to homeschool him, but I am worried about the long term effects on my son. He is an only child, he has never had any friends, and he has never been left unattended with any other kid. I am worried and not sure what I should do to help my son. He seems to have forgotten about it and when I ask him how he is doing he says he is okay. I have explained that what happened was very wrong.

Rather than pull him out of school, is it possible to have arrangements made to ensure your son is safe in the bathroom? Maybe there's a staff bathroom he could use, for example. Or maybe an aide could accompany him.
Also, I do think you need to know what's being done about the other kid. I think you don't want to appear nosy, but it's important for you to know. You need to be sure that he will never be unsupervised in a bathroom with other children again.

We have already made the decision to withdraw our son. I did speak with the school counselor and the boy did admit to what happened. The school offered to do what you said and monitor the bathroom interactions, but frankly, I don't trust that in a middle school of 1400 kids that my son will be monitored at all times. I think this was just a wake up call for us. We had seriously considered homeschooling beginning with middle school but my son wanted to give it a try. It was honestly going pretty good, so I am saddened that this incident took place. I have to keep my son's safety the top priority because he is gullible and easily led. This is just sixth grade, I hate to imagine what could happen as he gets older. I am really upset about this kid doing this to my son, but there is nothing I can do now. I am not willing to give the school system the benefit of the doubt that this will not happen again. As far as what the school is doing with the other boy, I am not sure. That will be on them because I am not there anymore.

Yes. That other child needs help. Big time. Children that age don't molest other kids unless someone is doing it to them.

I'm afraid that you pulling your son from school over this is going to send him the message that he did something wrong, or that you think that he is too fragile to go on. If you really think that this incident warrants not going to school ever again - Hell yes, go see a family counselor! I'm not saying that you are crazy. But if its this big of a deal, your son needs to process the event and your family needs to work on how to be around it.

I'm not a parent. But unfortunately, I was the targeted child when I was a kid. I was 15 and it wasn't one kid, it was a whole group of them. So, not exactly the same situation. Honestly, what I experienced was lot more violent than what your son just did. Not trying to one-up you. Its just the honest truth.

It's had a huge impact on my life. It had a huge impact on my developing sexuality. It's given me long term issues with public bathrooms. (This trans-rights thing about gender specific bathrooms is WIGGING ME OUT. But that's a whole different story.) But maybe the worst of it was that I loved camp so much. Camp was my safe space. And after that event, I didn't have camp anymore. It went away and I wasn't able to fill that hole in my life again until I was 30 and I discovered this one summer festival. (There are NO inside bathrooms at this festival, just port-o-pots and open showers! Woohoo!)

Having been a kid in your son's position, it was AWFUL watching my parents make a big deal out of it. I was so embarrassed. I down played it and I shouldn't have but I did. There's just so much shame around sexuality issues. And when you are ASD, the lost friendship potential is probably the worst part. My parents always said that I had to be a friend to make friends, and I felt like I had failed once again. Honestly, if I wasn't trying so hard to "be a friend" I never would have wound up in that situation in the first place.

We still don't talk about this. I'm pretty sure my parents have no idea how much it still haunts me. And I don't want them to know. I don't want to bear the weight of them feeling shame because of me. They didn't protect me like parents should but its over now and there's nothing we can do to go back and fix that.

So, I guess that's why I'm saying family counseling, not personal. Because your son is so young, and he's looking to you to know if he is still OK after this. And so far, your response has been to pull him from school and I wonder what his young brain is making of that response.


Edited to add: I'm a big fan of homeschooling and free-schooling. Done right, your son might find get a better education and find some kindred spirits who will be real friends for him. Just wanted to add that in case it sounds like I'm against homeschooling in general. I'm not.

Thank you for your reply. Well, I suppose many will think I am over reacting or crazy---so be it. My son is fragile. He thought this kid was a friend and my son is very naïve. He trusted this kid and the kid took advantage of him. I don't know, the thought did cross my mind that maybe I could keep him at the school and just make sure the teachers always separated them or made sure my son never went to the bathroom at the same time as this kid. But in the long run, my husband made the decision to get him out of there.

I did talk to the counselor and told him exactly what happened. I think the other kid tried to twist the story and cover it up. It did cross my mind that the kid might have been being molested at home. The counselor had talked to the kids parents. I would think that as a school counselor, they would know the signs of sexual abuse, so that is going to be up to them to take care of that kid. My priority is my son.

I explained to my son that he did nothing wrong but that we just made the decision in order to keep him safe. He has been in public school for 8 years (pre-k---through 5th) and has made no real friends. The first kid that acts like a friend to him pulls this. So far my son seems to be accepting the decision to homeschool pretty well. I know that it will be a change, but I am hopeful that maybe he can learn even more since he will be learning at his own pace and won't continue to be put in special ed through the rest of his school years where the conditions are not exactly ideal.

As a parent, I had to weigh the positives against the negatives and make the best decision I could.

Thanks for your input and I am sorry you had negative experiences as well.

I don't think the point is, don't protect your kid. In fact, I would say please do so.

But you asked for advice. And I'm here to tell you, this needs to be addressed more. This incident became the reason he's not allowed with his peers anymore. I know that's not what you are seeing, but it might be what he's seeing. So, that needs to be addressed. He needs to know in himself that if this happens again, he will be able to deal with it.

Just saying he's fragile and autistic isn't going to do it. He need to work on the skills that will allow him to recognize danger, avoid dangerous people, and fight like hell if they corner him. He needs to work on that sense of self-agency. He needs to understand that there are good people in this world that will be his friend. And that your removing him from this school is a chance to find them.

The kid doesn't have friends, and right now, he's probably thinking he'll never have them. And of course, that's not true. The homeschooling world has a lot of quirky kids just waiting to enjoy his gentle nature. But he's going to need support and education about how to go out and connect with them. And as he gets older, he needs to be made a part of big decisions like this one about when it's OK to take risks and when it's better to not do so. Remember, the important part is about building his self agency, not tearing it down.

I honestly thank you for your replies and I agree. He does need to work on those skills. We do have a homeschool group in place, and I am hopeful that he can make some friends. I don't know. Overall, he doesn't seem to be bothered by not having any. I don't really know how to help him learn to make a friend. We just made the decision that this was not going to be a healthy environment for him. The school has 1400 kids. I am definitely aware that our decision had its drawbacks, but weighed against the potential threats for him, we had to make this decision. He is 11 and probably on the level emotionally of maybe an 8 year old. There has been no roadmap for this----he is our only child and we are doing the best we can. I do appreciate your insight because we do have a long way to go in helping him to become an independent thinker.

Just to put this out there, but we had to pull our kid for different reasons (more relating to my son's behavior and the school's inability/unwillingness to deal with it appropriately) and you can pull your kid out without it being overwhelmed by a sense of (undeserved) failure. We were lucky in that we were (barely) able to make it to the end of the year (I was tempted to pull him with only 2 weeks to go in the year with how bad it was) so it was kind of a stopping point, but kind of not, because the school went up a year past when we pulled him.

Anyway--I don't know if you have to deal more thoroughly with the sexual abuse issue, but I can help with ideas for promoting a sense of closure and success in a new endeavor.

1) We emphasized that we pulled him out b/c the school was unable to keep him safe and could not properly take care of him. I cited examples, and he agreed.

2)We gave our home school a cute name and told him we would be enrolling him. When the fall rolled around, I gave him registration sheets and other documentation for his (other)parent to sign, just like he was in PS. I made my own logo, stationary etc. and gave him input on some of the graphic design.

3)We had an open house prior to school starting where I served pizza, special cookies and his favorite juice and where we discussed the curriculum for the new year and special events that mirrored the fun things from his old school.

4)We used some of the same educational materials for consistency and to maintain a sense of familiarity where they worked and revamped his least favorite things.

5)I found out what things he would miss, and made sure we dealt with those things and replaced them with something better.

6)I told him as long as we stayed on schedule, we would have Fun Fridays, with a fun spin on our subjects.

7)We instituted a clear class schedule like one might find for older kids, which made him feel grown up, yet which simultaneously gave him clear expectations which reduced anxiety.

We labeled the things that we did that were advanced in grade level as Honors classes, which made him proud.

9) The school itself is labeled as a STEM school b/c it is, and it helps him see that what we do is different and better b/c it is tailored for him.

10) We have elective classes, recess and plenty of extra time built into our subjects so that the day is not too intense and so he can explore educational special interests during school time. (Also it means meltdowns do not become a scheduling problem and so we build towards success)

Thank you for your suggestions. So far my son seems to be feeling positive about the change, but we will see. Right now he would have been out for Thanksgiving break anyway. I love your ideas and I think I will use some of these. He seems to be okay about the incident that occurred, and I hate to keep bringing it up and reminding him of it. I am just going to keep the lines of communication open and let him know he can talk to me about anything bothering him.
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I have been debating on if I should post or not, but have decided I will.

Personally (as ASD) I would not take him out of school and here is why:

I hated school, as a child I would have done anything to escape, but my parents made me go and made sure I did not cut classes, etc. I had to find another way to deal with the issues school presented me. It taught me many valuable lessons I could not have learnt if I was home school. I fear without these coping mechanisms I learned, I would be no where near as successful as I am today.

I am married, I can hold down a job. Yet I am still ASD, but I apply what I have learnt as a child to help me everyday. This world is not fair or everything we want it to be, and I have to deal with it, but I can.

I can guarantee if my parents took me out of school I would still be dependent on them and living at home with no job or life. I needed that option taken from me in order to build my resilience. I needed a dose of reality, I needed to find my place in this world. Because you know what? Nothing has changed. School is really no different from work, there are bullies and people you are not capable of getting along with, but you must develop ways to deal with this. I needed to work out the warning signs in a situation, I needed to work out who was trustworthy and who wasn't. I needed to work out what friendship was to me, I even needed to be picked last for teams. Though I hated my school years, I am glad they happened, because I needed them to. Without them, I would not be who or where I am today.

I fear that by taking your son out of school it would send the message that if you don't like something you just give up, run away and or hide and unfortunately the real world doesn't work this way. Once you are an adult you have responsibilities you must take care of, or forever be dependent because work or school is to overwhelming.

I am still overwhelmed frequently, but I can get things done for the most part. I'd rather stay home than go out and take care of responsibilities, but using what I learnt through attending school I can manage.

I was never at the emotional maturity of the other children, and I am still quite... childish? childlike? and I know that without the school enviroment as a child I wouldn't be able to handle life now, or have become the independent person I am today.

I even had a similar situation where a boy had locked me in the bathroom with him and he was a fair bit older than me as he had been kept back. Nothing came of it. He exposed him self, wanted me to. I said no and I would scream if he attempted to make me, he opened the door and ran off. Again I am glad this happened. It was a wake-up call I needed and taught me I was to willing to trust others.

Threats don't go away when you are an adult, but having more experience helps you deal with and identify these threats.

I honestly do not mean to cause any offence with my post.

I hear exactly what you are saying and I do see value in him attending school. He is in 6th grade, so maybe we can return him to school at some point in time. I don't know. I see both sides of the coin. Honestly, my husband went ahead and made the decision, and I had to respect it. I feel bad about taking him out, but at the same time I am sickened by what happened and I fear that that kid would have continued to try to do things.

I appreciate your input and I am glad that you have been able to cope in the "real world". That is encouraging!

One of the things I had as a child was a personal alarm. When you pulled the cord out it went off.

I never had to use it, but having it definitely helped me feel safe, and I'm sure it would have given any one trying inappropriate things quite the scare.

Great idea!