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Hi there. I'm new, so please go easy on me!

This is more a bit of a vent than a question. Bit of background. My son is 6 years old and diagnosed with ASD 2 years ago. We live in a remote part of Australia.

So, my son attends mainstream school. He is doing so wel! His teachers tell me he is a delight to have in his class and all the other children love him. He has to fight them off at lunch time apparently because they ALL want to play with him. This is just wonderful. We have worked hard to get him to this point.

But, my problem is....... despite how popular he is at school he has not had a single party invite this year. And there have been parties, I know this for fact. I really dislike the drop off and pick up because all the other mums huddle in a group and talk. My husband says it's an obvious clique and I'm definitely in the exclusion zone. I'm not outgoing at all, you could probably call me introverted, even socially awkward and so it would not be in my nature to approach this group and start a conversation. I try and be as friendly as my social limitations allow me, smile and say hello as I pass one of these mums in the school yardbut these are almost always ignored. It makes me even unlikely to approach another mum and start a conversation.

So, I don't care to our muchthat I have no mum friends from my son's class. I do care a lot that he isn't receiving party invites because for whatever reason (and I suspect it's because I'm 'that' mum, the ones who's kid has autism) no one really likes me. My son's therapist says that because of his autism, he won't really care that the invites aren't coming. Right now it's true, he is oblivious to it. But I really do think, despite what his therapist says he will become aware if it continues. He is very sensitive though and his feelings easily hurt so I'm not so sure about that. I'm hoping he will make a few close friends as school goes on and he will want them to come over. And I will of course, encourage that.

Thanks for reading that. I'm sorry for the self pity party.

At that age, it's usually the moms doing the invite list without too much input from the kids. Usually, if you ask a 6 year old who their friends are, they will say: "everyone." So, the moms pare it down to the kids that their kid has had a play date with, which is, usually, with the kids of the mom's the mother knows. I think if you ask your kid to name a kid, or a few kids that he would like to have a play date with, you can ask the teachers to pass on the message that you would like to schedule a play date. Once your kid starts having play dates with the other kids, he will be much more likely to get a party invite.

Also, teachers aren't always clued in to what the real social dynamics are. From the outside, it may seem like one thing, but there may be undertones they are not picking up on. Although, it does sound like your kid is desirable, and included (which is great). It may, possibly, be that the parents are put off by the fact that he has autism (if they know), this has happened with a few parents with my kid, but assume it's not the case until they don't respond to your play date requests.

And, I agree with you. I think your kid will start to realize he is not getting invites. My kid did.

Thanks for your reply, Fitzi.

I think it is partially because I'm not part of the 'group' with the other mums. And they know he has autism. We live in a country town and people gossip, and even the other kids are asking why I pick up my son at lunch time twice a week for his therapy. They do know. One mum (who looks the other way when I walk past her in the school yard) said to me , as she was helping the other kids put on their costumes she wouldn't help my son because she was afraid of how he would cope. Which is fair enough. So handed me the costume for me to do it (he didn't cope at all and refused to wear the costume, haha). Also, the teacher is part of the 'group', they all play netball together. Twice now I've I watched as a parent has handed out invites to every single kid except mine. So I think it's most definitely also because he has autism, and they are afraid of it.

We have one week to go until school finishes and he starts a new school year after the Xmas break. So we will see what happens with a new class, new teacher, some new kids and parents. His birthday isn't until late in the year, otherwise I'd be throwing a big party for the whole clas early in the year to 'break the ice' but I might just get brave myself & arrange a play date with some friends of his choosing early in the year, see what happens.

This is unacceptable, and you should speak to the school about it. If the parents are going to exclude any child, then they've no business handing out these invites at school. Let them send them in the mail or make other arrangements. Parties aren't school functions, anyway, so there's no reason to allow this extremely rude behavior to continue.

I hear you on the parties. In elementary school it was worse than debutant balls.

My DD school had a rough time with invites. And yes the ASD, ODD, and ADHD kids got excluded. A lot of that was the parents volunteering in the classroom or working at school. If the kid was a behavior problem at school, no way was mom firing off an invite for a party away from school. The classmates may have all been friendly, but if the kid need a lot of redirection or attention, very few parents would over look it. I don't know if that is your situation.

The other thing is autism awareness. How many articles are there about kids hating social situations or birthday parties? So, I knew parents who didn't invite the ASD kids because 1) they didn't think the child would enjoy or handle the venue and b) *I know this is crass, but I have heard this, why pay for a $35 admission for a go cart party when this kid may last 8 minutes into it?

For the average, I don't know much about special ed kids, it is easier to exclude than call the parent and ask. I always called and asked, but I guess I was unusual that way.

As for no mom friends. You don't know what the situation is. They could be friends from baby and me classes, church, work, whatever. They may have had 5 years of knowing each other.

I really had to work at getting to know the parents. We live away from all my DDs friends, and I'm an extrovert. It was/is hard. Maybe these women are room mother jackasses, and there is no hope except a hello. It might be they don't know what to say to you. If all you know about Autism is via mommy blogs, sites like Autism Speaks, or news stories, everything they may have heard is semi negative.

Like the PPs wrote, most birthday invites at this age are parent generated. Around where I live, parents invite parents they know. Especially if it the party is hosted at a home.

My school said no invites during school hours. When the dismal bell rang it was after hours. You couldn't hand invites on the property where the building sits, but could in the parking lot. Now everyone does text invites, and the school literally has no control anymore.

If it was me, before I wrote them all off as Mean Girls part II, I would really make an effort to get to know them. Just enough face time that you aren't an unknown quanity. Maybe volunteer at school? I used to treat a few of my DDs friends to fast food. Neutral place. Parents didn't feel weird, because they could just leave without being awkward. It was cheap for an hours worth of entertainment.

If your son truly doesn't care about the parties, maybe his father or another male relative can do something "guy related". Train clubs, cub scouts, judo...something where he can met people on his own terms with his own interests. You can't force friendships. Set it up where he can shine on his own, and whatever happens at school will be minimized.

Thanks YippySkippy and Tawaki for your responses.

I don't know if the school hasn't a policy on invites being handed out in the school grounds. I'd say possibly not. If I see that kind of thing happen again, particularly when one or two kids are being excluded I will have a word with the teacher.

Yes, it's clear that many of mothers know each other beyond school and some have known each other since before. Which is not uncommon in this town where we are all connected somehow. It isn't friendship I seek with them though. Maybe just a little common courtesy? Return my smile and say hello not look the other way. It's so high school.

My son, despite having level 2 ASD has no behavioural issues. He doesn't hit out, act out. It is clear his classmates love him. But he does require some redirection at times, and it's possible parent helpers have noticed that. I hadnt considered that before. Wouldn't that be an awful reason to exclude a child from a party, though?

The other problem with friendships in this town is that people often move on after a couple of years. It's a mining town and very itinerant. I have lived here 10 years, my husband since childhood and all the friends we made have moved away. My husband is as introverted as me so it's not easy for either of us to make new friends. And this is another potential issue for my son (and my 4 yo daughter who is NT) who may make close friends and they all move on.

But anyway, the suggestion of activities beyond school where he might make connections and school becomes less socially important is a good idea. One we will investigate.

Thanks for your imput, peoples. It's always good to hear unbiased opinions.

This is terrible, but the best way to get invited to parties is to hold a party yourself and invite the other kids. Once you do that, at least some of them will feel obliged to return the invitation the next time they have a kid's party. It would also give you the chance to develop a acquaintance with the other mothers. I'm not saying you should be their best friend, but if you want to be included, I think that's the way it works. (In the US)

Another thing that hasn't been mentioned is that your son being popular may not equal the other children viewing him as a friend. I work with a similarly aged child and who is often quite popular, in the way that young children like to 'look after' younger children/babies but this doesn't mean that the child is viewed as being on the same level.

But then again, I knew another child of about the same age who was so popular they were voted into school council but again, the children all mirrored the adjustments the teachers made in speaking to them in a way they understood.

If they were nice and comfortable saying so, they might send you an invite and then let you know, nicely when you RSVP that your son is welcome, but they would appreciate if you go with him to help him manage. Most people would not be comfortable saying this, and it is easier not to invite him. No way the host of the party is going to want to redirect your son any more than s/he has to redirect however many NT kids.

We were invited to a few parties in the younger grades, when they had to send them to everyone in order to distribute them on school grounds, and we always went with our son. We made it clear when we RSVPed that we would be there to watch him. Now, our son has more redirect issues than I think your son has based on how you are describing him, but I can tell you from hosting things myself, no way does the host want to have to deal with extra worries like that, and the parents were always relieved we would be there.

Maybe, when you ask the teacher about the policy on party invites, you could emphasize you would be there to manage any redirection issues, and the teacher could let that be known, and that would help.

I was actually going to say this, too. I hold a lot of playdates at my house to help my kids make connections. It works out some of the time, but not all the time.

As far as the therapist suggesting that your child won't/doesn't care because of ASD, that depends on the child. I was actually getting on here to post about my 5th grader and get opinions. My 2nd grader absolutely notices and cares if she gets invited to things... my 5th grader seems much less worried about it.

I would be inclined to guess that it has to do with being in the "Mom Clique."

I say this because my kids (thank God!!) get very few party invites. Other than maybe the littlest (not sure yet), none of them are ASD (but I am).

I don't play the Mom Social Game well. As a matter of fact, I don't bother playing at all. It usually invites more trouble than it's worth. My little life is happier if I stick to my husband, my kids, my pets, my housekeeping, my relatives, and my tiny little circle of freakazoids. And my kids (have asked the older two) are happier without all that stress.

The upshot of that?? Other than the friends they make themselves, my kids don't get invited to parties. About the time I start noticing that they're noticing other kids getting invited to lots of them, I start explaining human social relationships and encouraging them to find other things to build their self-esteem on.

I think my middle daughter is going to want to be popular. Well. Good luck with that. Other than one cousin, who we have limited contact with because she's a drug addict and a taker, there are no popular people on either side of the family. I'll hug her and try to support her, but-- for lack of familial experience, she's on her own.

I was one who cared. I cried every day because the other kids "hated" me. I didn't have anyone to play with and I wasn't invited to parties. I had a younger brother who was very popular, so I saw how other kids were treated and it made me sad. I was not receiving autism specific therapies. I was just told repeatedly that "you have to be a friend to make a friend."

Hi, I just read your post so I'm not sure if you are still reading this thread?

My ASD daughter goes to a mainstream primary school in Melbourne. Initially she was very popular but things changed as she got older. Around year 3 the children start to pick best friends who they best relate to. My daughter found herself isolated as her classmates started sticking together and invitation to birthdays never happened from there - but she's fairly plucky and in any case prefers non-human make believe animated characters/animals/cars as her friends. I hope your son has similar levels of resilience if he experiences this as his classmates get older. In any case it sounds like he's popular with his classmates so all good

The other issue is a separate one. I have always not been privy to the mothers groups because I'm a male stay at home dad. There are a few fathers who do school pick up drop off but they are not my cup of tea. My daughter had one friend for 3 straight years (now they are in separate classes) and they still get excited when they see each other. Unfortunately the other girl's father is pretty gruff and arrogant and although I have made an effort have not pursued seeing them after school. So bottom line is I'm not looking friends and I have nothing to do with other parents in my school.

A few things to keep in mind. I'm assuming you live in a isolated (judging by the red sand) town in central Australia. Small towns mean mothers probably grew up and went to school together. They probably also have fairly narrow view on autism possibly because they aren't exposed to it - which might explain the lack of invites.

You need to give these mothers some leeway if they are not including you or inviting your son their children's parties. Small town communities represent the best and the worst in Australia. Their community mindedness is a strength. You also said you are socially introverted. If you want to make an impression then you will need to make the effort, perhaps volunteer to help out in school activities and make yourself known to your fellow mothers. Once they know they have something in common and are making an effort to integrate you will start to break down the barriers.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. You have given me food for thought, I appreciate the time you have taken to read and respond to my post.

The more I think about it, the more I agree. The mummy clique.

I haven't yet worked out how to do multiple quotes in one post, so I'm sorry I will have to respond with lots of separate posts.

Redirection in areas of his school work, which he does not enjoy. When it comes to playing with his peers, he is very focused lol. But at his age, all parents are present during parties so I doubt this is the issue.

I live in a remote mining town. It's very itinerant, many people come for a year or two and move on. I've lived here 10 years, and my husband since he was child. All our friendship groups have moved on, and this is part of the problem living in a town like this one. When I started work, I made friends and had my people. They all moved on. I had my babies and joined a playgroup, I made new friends and they have all moved on too. It's very hard to see your friends leave and for people like me it is hard to make new ones. I know I need to put more self out there more, but as an introvert it's hard. The other day a mum was standing next to me as we waited outside our kids' class, I smiled at her when she looked at me and it was met with a blank look. And another mum came walking up and stood between us her back to me and started chatting to this other mum. How do these mothers manage to make me feel like I'm back in high school? I don't want to be friends with these kinds of people, truth be told. And it's very possible some will move away over the school holidays, and also may be new faces. I also think I will make some new years resolutions. My son's birthday isn't until August, but I'm going to plan a party and invite his whole class. Even if his party is the only one he attends next year