Will visiting my mom's grave help?

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My mom died when I was 18 and she was only 35.I didn't cry when I heard she had passed away.I felt nothing.I was in denial for while, hoping it was just a dream and the next day I will wake up and she will be still here.It didn't hit me until I was in my early 20's.Since then, i'm fine for the most part but I occasionally burst into tears then it goes away.(on and off throughout the years)


The thing is,she died back home in Africa so I wasn't able to attend her funeral nor have I visited her grave.We learned about her death few months after she passed so I never got to say goodbye.She apparently tried to get hold of us in her last days but failed because we had no access to facebook,skype and we communicated with letters at that time.Most of my communication with her was through my Dad. In any event my sister and I didn't make an effort to write to her.We did at first but then stopped when we got caught up with things down here.

Apparaently she died worrying about us since she couldn't get hold of us.At some point, she sent my Dad a letter and left a number for us to call so we can speak to her and salon asked pictures of us to see how much me and my sister grown since we last saw her. However, we couldn't provide the pictures since we didn't know were to go about to take pictures at that time and my Dad didn't take any pics of us. He didn't make an effort to make sure we talked to her until my step mom told him to go buy a long distance card so we can speak to our mom....but it was too late. That's when we learned that she had passed away


However, I'm now 31 and finding myself properly grieving for her death. I'm constantly crying and find myself fighting back the tears when I'm out in public and at work. I'm missing her more now and wishing she was still here.I'm longing to talk to her but she is long gone.. looking at her last pictures she sent makes me sad.I keep reminiscing about the good times we shared with her as children.I also recall an incident when she sent me to the store to buy something when I was a little girl then I lost the money.I can still remember how upset/disappointed she was and I would like to pay her back now as an adult but I can't




I reconnected with my uncle (her brother) years later on Facebook. According to him, She kept asking him to find us and saying she wanted to talk to me and my sister until her last breathe. Her last words was "I want to talk to my kids"

I'm tormented with guilt and a deep regret for not making an effort to stay in contact with her when she was still alive. I would like to say I'm sorry and make it up to her but can't...It kills me now that we let her down Will visiting her resting place help?

It might help. Grief is a hard process and there is no one right way to do it. It is totally normal to not feel grief for some time and then to have some trigger bring it on later in life. That's OK and normal. However, nothing is going to make it not hurt. Grief is just something you have to go through. So what if you are crying! Crying is healthy and normal.

A lot of people take comfort in grave sites. That might be a good thing to do if you are able to get there. But there are other ways of honoring your mother. You can put her picture in a prominant place. You can write her letters. You can name your child after her. Lots of different ways to honor her memory.

You were a kid. You didn't have enough understanding of how fragile life is and you didn't stay in touch with her enough. But you were a kid. 18 year olds are just like that. They don't have a lot of life experience and they think that they are all grown and have nothing more to learn. That's just the age. I hope you can forgive yourself. I think that if your mother were here today, she would do so. She would want you to be happy. It sounds like your well-being was very important to her.