When to tell your child they are autistic/aspie?

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Hi all,

We are new to the Aspie community. I took my son to a child psychologist because of some anxiety issues which I thought was stemming from time with his Dad (we are divorced), who has a shocking temper when it comes to our son.

As it turns out she instead identified him as high functioning autistic.
During this process I have also identified as Aspie and have gotten myself diagnosed.
Due to his dad's dragging out of his diagnosis my son is not officially diagnosed yet, but we are on the way.

I am trying to work out when to tell him what's going on and how to go about telling him.
The comfort is that I can tell him that Mummy is the same, finds the same things tricky at times etc.

But I don't want to overload him with information, nor do I expect him to continue with all the psych appointments and all without wanting to know what on earth is going on.

Would love your experiences and thoughts for those who have already been here.

Edited to add my little boy is 6yrs old

I think the right time to tell is when they realise themselves they are not like the others and start asking why. Then it would not be a shock and a label but an explanation.

Maybe you could tell him the appointments are to help him feel less anxious about things?
Just something simple that he can understand easily.

I'm not a parent but I WAS a child from whom information was held back and became more devastating to learn later.

So based on my own experience as a child, I would wish for a parent to incorporate the information into the child's daily life right now, like it's as normal a fact about them as the color of their eyes or skin. Or even the way adoptive parents speak from the start to their adopted children, so that it's something they always knew, not had to be told later suddenly.

Blend mentions of it into any normal, everyday situation where it can be a small learning experience in, for example, how to cope with a sensory issue that comes up, or some other moment where you can take the opportunity to make it part of a normal chat, no drama, just like "Why do I have blue eyes and you have brown eyes? Well your eyes are so velvety brown because of your mom's lovely brown eyes!"

Do the same kind of thing with their autism and/or traits and issues connected to it. Just blend basic, simple bits of explanation into any moment that comes up regarding it, keeping language neutral and factual and age-tailored.

When I grew up, my little brother was the only one in the family who was diagnosed, when he was about three years old.
We never had a "big revealing" or anything. It was just always there. No one ever told him "You have Aspergers", but it was just mentioned sometimes. We all knew why he was going to the doctors a lot, and why he needed some extra care.
Me and my brother didn't understand what it meant really, until we got a little older and realized his differences in comparison to other kids at our school. But by then, it was no big deal, because none of us saw it as a disability or anything. He had just always been like that, and there happened to be a name for it, and that's that.

I'm pretty sure that was the best way to do it. I think it was easier for him just always knowing that he's a little different, than it would be if someone revealed to him later that he's in fact disabled. (like for us who found out late. It kind of turns the world upside down, and probably would for a kid as well)

The only problem coming with him always knowing, was that he started using it as an excuse for getting out of things. "I can't because I have aspergers!!" Is a perfectly good excuse in some cases, but he was definitely BS-ing.

I'm sure that it could come quite naturally for your family as well. It sneaks up on you and finds it's way into conversation.
As long as no one makes a big deal out of it, it won't be.

I amn't a parent, so I usually don't comment in the WrongPlanet.net Parents' Discussion. But, I was a child (I promise), and should know what would have worked best for me.

While I was only diagnosed with autism in 2015, I wish someone could have told me about my autism when I was about 12 or 13 years of age (when I would have had the ability to choose whether to tell others about myself or not, and to learn more about my diagnosis). As it was, I ended up having no knowledge that I was normal (for an autist) and that much of my autistic behaviors and characteristics would actually benefit me.

Instead, I was attracted to learning Taekwondo at that age which gave me many of the same benefits for some years (and something I recommend for all autistic children to try out).

Thanks for your answers so far.
Especially to those whose families knew when you were children that you were autistic, it's a great insight.
Given I am and I wish I knew in childhood hit because my parents had no idea I don't have feelings on it being kept from me as opposed to feelings of 'what if we knew'

Another reason I feel that I need to tell him is that my ex husband is unpredictable and I would hate for him to ever use it against my son, so I want to try and build some confidence in my little boy that he is still 'normal' and a good kid, just different like Mummy.

Also his older sister knows something is up and is getting very jealous of all the time and attention on her brother with all the doctors appointments and the like. I am fairly certain she is NT (obviously I'm not going to say 100% given my parents were 100% sure I was haha), but I want to be able to talk to her about it and explain that her brother isn't more special than her, just different and because of that he needs a little more help sometimes etc so she doesn't feel as though he is more loved than she is.

I guess I feel like having found out I have it too, this is not a negative thing to he kept from him, but just part of who he is to be embraced.
My families reaction or lack there of to my diagnosis has been very hurtful and I don't ever want my son to feel that. Even if I'm the only person who can give him that positive support and encouragement, I would have wanted my mum in my corner like that I think.

As the (suspected NT) older sister, I can say that; Yes, It can be a little tough when little brother gets most of the attention. And you do get a little jealous. In my case, it led me to suspect that my parents love the brother more, and it left me with a bigger responsibility than I was supposed to have in a young age. It could feel as if I couldn't show any dissatisfaction, because parents were having a hard time as it was. It could be embarrassing to take friends home after school, or even at school to always be connected to that weird kid who kept biting people.

On the other hand, I have the deepest love for my little brother. I am his number one defender, and even if he was a big pain in the butt, I would always be on his side when it mattered. Even as babies, I was the only one who could make him laugh, and I would be hugely protective of him. And even though we now live very far away from each other, and only meet a couple of times a year, we still have a strong connection, and getting a call from him (who otherwise avoids the phone at all costs) is the biggest compliment I could ever receive.

So yes, it can be a little difficult to be the big sister, but it's also easy to understand the reasons to why the brother needs more care. As long as big sisters needs are also listened to, it all works out fine.
Some things that will definitely make it easier for her is:

Let her know that her problems are worth listening to as well. Even if her brother's problems are bigger, she still deserves some validation.

Try and make out some mother-daughter time. I know that's really difficult, but she will gain a lot from it if it can be achieved. (my favourite thing was to go out running with my dad. Not because I liked running, but because I had his full attention for an hour)

If possible, have them in different schools. It will take some responsibility off her, as she otherwise might feel the need to always defend him from other school kids, who aren't as understanding.

It's interesting you mention his sister -- I had an older sister who showed such resentment toward me that my parents actually fell into an overcompensation trap of not giving me the extra help I needed, in order to not let my sister feel like I was getting any extra attention or care than she was. As far as I know, she was NT.

The result was that I actually felt, and feel to this day, that I was neglected by my parents, to a large extent. I know from all my memories and my reflections upon my upbringing that they bent over backward to ignore anything "special" I may have needed, so as to decrease any chance of my sister's jealousy toward me.

I think they thought they were trying to create balance, but instead things went way over into her favor and way away from mine.

I don't think this is likely to happen in your case as you seem very aware of not allowing anything to seem like anyone is being favored, and you describe indeed giving your son the help he needs.

My parents, freaked out by my sister's resentment, just stopped giving me any of the help I needed at all.

I tried an indirect approach, which surprisingly led to my son self-diagnosing.

I'd been pretty sure my son was ASD since he was about two years old. At the age of eight, his teacher recommended he get assessed. So, before making an appointment, I showed him and his brother a cartoon about asperger syndrome to explain to them about what life is like for me. But my son said, "Hey, this sounds a lot like me too." Well, as a matter of fact....

The only downside is that, when I or Big Brother do something weird, Little Brother now asks, "Is that because of your ass-thing?"

Thanks guys, it's so great to get the perspective of other people and of siblings as well!
I definitely don't want any of my kids to feel like one is more favoured or more special! I am conscious that I am slightly more in tune with my son than his big sister - I put this down to us both being Aspie so I guess on a more similar wavelength.

I think I will try the indirect approach like you said Benjamin the Donkey - I will tell them about me and how it affects me via a little book or cartoon and see if my little boy picks up any of it. If not I can subtly throw in that I think maybe he is the same as Mummy and how awesome because we can now work out how to make things easier for ourselves together.

Thanks again everyone for your feedback

We raised three Aspie children and found that helping them understand as they grew why they felt different and how to manage it was a workable framework. There are many aspects of Aspergers that are unpleasant in a way that parents can come to know quite well. Helping your child to understand and learn management skills and coping strategies is thew best way to help the child function later in life.

Consider the free ebook
Aspergers - An Intentional Life http://ems-publishing.com/ebooks/atil_09_2017.pdf

Hi, my daughter has recently been diagnosed aspire, and one son has ADD, the other son is possibly ASD s well, but is waiting for his appointments. I strongly suspect I have it as well, but am getting my kids help first. With my daughter, she is 12, I found a list of aspire traits, and we did a bit of a quiz together, had a chat and then told her that is what her Psych suspects her panic attacks are due to. With my son, he is 8, he knew he was being seen for learning issues, running away, anger etc, but when he asked me what was wrong, I told him he has ADD which is like having a special and different brain and way of thinking, but while he has a slow learning sped, I pointed out his talents. He was happy with that explanation, especially since I told him that I had been a slow learner too. Hope things go well with his diagnosis.

My boy is 7. He was diagnosed last year. He goes regularly to the therapist and had testing, so he knows that, but I don't give him the label. It wouldn't mean anything to him. In the same way as you, I can relate to him and say that I have problems making friends too, etc. This is the best thing, I think. I don't know when I will tell him. What I do know is that I will not keep it a secret from him. And I will not make him feel shame. Lastly, I will not make it a big deal. Because it's not, not to him anyways.