Parents on the spectrum

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Thanks so much for this! Been looking for as safe place to be a parent with AS and not feel alone. So much out there for and by NT parents but I never quite felt at home. It is just different. I can't explain it. I really am happy to have found this.

Does anyone have any tips for coping with an overload of "social time" as a stay at home mom? When my kid was a baby, it was fine, but now that he has started talking it is SO EXHAUSTING having almost constant interaction all day. I am usually so done by the time my husband gets home. I day dream about becoming a hermit. Any advice? Coping strategies? I love my kid and want to be a good parent, but I am so mentally/emotionally exhausted.

^ Can you "tag out" when your husband gets home? Or at some point after he gets home? Meaning, can he take over to allow you some much needed time to lock yourself in the bedroom or another quiet place for even an hour to recharge?

We do that some days when I am obviously at my limit, but he doesn't really get it, so when he is tired from working all day, he doesn't really want to take over right when he walks in the door. But maybe I can figure out how to explain it better. I feel bad that often by the time he gets home I am at the point that I don't want to see any humans for the rest of the day...since that means it's a struggle to want to interact with him, too. But maybe we can work something out...like he could chill the first hour he is home, then my turn? Worth thinking about. Thanks for the idea.

^ Forgive me if you'd already mentioned, but are you formally diagnosed at this point?

Your idea sounds like a good one to try (giving him a chance to get settled briefly). I don't think your husband should have enough time to chill before helping out; that's for after your child is sleeping. Just try to give him enough time to change clothes, go to the bathroom, etc if you can hold off that long. Some days, maybe you will be so frazzled you have to tell him as soon as he walks in that he's "it".

If this is your first child, it might also help if both of you change your mindset. Since your child is a toddler, I assume your child is sleeping through the night? If so, for both you and your husband you should think of getting your most valuable and longest break......after your child is asleep and not before.

Prior to your child's bedtime, you may need to survive on micro-breaks. Ten minutes in the bathroom sitting on the edge of the bathtub in the dark room rocking back and forth and doing breathing relaxation may be all you get....until your child is asleep.

I am not formally diagnosed. I have crap insurance, so it would cost a ton to go through that process, and Im not sure if/how a formal diagnosis would help me? I found some articles about female asperger's and how it presents differently than typical male symptoms last year, and it really made some things "click" for me. And the tips/coping strategies I have found on forums like these and Aspie blogs/vlogs help more than typical articles on anxiety, etc.

Are there benefits to looking into a formal diagnosis? I hate the idea of paying someone to hand me a piece of paper with a label on it if I can access the advice I need myself. I am happy to live with some ambiguity if it means saving thousands of dollars...

The "mini break" idea is a good one...the toddler won't like it (he is in a clingy stage ), but maybe he will have to deal with it for a couple minutes here and there.

Hello!

I am in the same boat - a formal diagnosis I feel isn't going to help an awful lot if I can go "Aaaah that's what it is." And cope myself.

Tagging out when your partner comes home is helpful. Or mini breaks through the day? I find it helpful even to just go out of the house. Even it's just 5 minutes for a walk somewhere?

TBH I'm the worst for advice. I actually had so many meltdowns that I left my family. But now I see my kids for much shorter periods and we get along much better. I am not recommending this.

Maybe you and your small one could have quiet time together doing colouring or reading? My little one loves colouring now and it means she STOPS TALKING.

Good idea. We also recently found he will sit and watch a short YouTube video if it is something he likes (trucks, puppies, etc). So I can put on a zoo live stream if I need a few minutes.

Coloring sometimes works, but the videos have been amazing. I try to only use it once a day though, since tv isn't super healthy.

I have ASD and one child who does, my other is neurotypical (although I'm keeping an eye out for ADHD which she sometimes displays features of and I have it as well). My other is too young for me to assess yet, but sometimes I wonder about her.

I had children before I was diagnosed and it made my feelings more complicated and difficult. I wish I would have been diagnosed sooner. But I think being a parent with ASD and having a child with ASD is a valuable thing for both of us - I understand him in a way a neurotypical parent doesn't and I can be a better advocate for him. I have actually tried harder to navigate my social issues and deal with them instead of avoiding them because my son motivated me to finally do that.

I always wanted kids more than anything and I had a natural talent for interacting with children and soothing babies. So I didn't think having my own would be as hard as it was. Especially because my oldest was nothing like I had ever experienced with other babies.

Hi
Is there an association of children with autistic parents?

Thanks

Hi - I'm a Mom who is 50 as of the date of this post. My son, age 21, and I are both on the spectrum. In fact, I was diagnosed after he was. We live my husband, age 63, our dogs and cat. Looking to share laughs and tips with others who are navigating, parenting, empty nesting and marriage to a NT. Trying to promote a healthy sense of pride in Neurodiversity in my son.

Hi there, here is an article I wrote on 'the positive symptoms of autism'
http://www.dos-and-donts-autism.com/pos ... utism.html

I had noticed that not everything about being on the spectrum is bad!! By no means. And I wanted neurotypicals to see that too.

I'm a member of my local Asperger's women's network, some of my closest friends are in my group. Groups and forums can be great to make you realise you're not entirely on the wrong planet

'Dude I'm an Aspie' is a good little cartoon book, basically about being proud to be who you are. There's a version for kids and a version for adults.

I completely agree with you about such a harsh punishment. Maybe you can agree on a time limit or find a different consequence for him yelling at you. At 5 years old, I feel like maybe an extra chore would be more age appropriate and more closely related to the crime. I'm ASD and also have a neuro divergent daughter. She has outbursts as well and I always feel like she is trying to release some steam when she raises her voice. I just send her to her room to calm down. Now if she becomes violent, then after she calms down, she does have consequences like extra chores and maybe 3 days of restriction. If she lies point blank then she also gets 3 days of restriction and must go to bed early. Keep in mind, she is 6 years older than your little guy. In addition, I find allowing the child to calm down does in fact, release the pressure in the situation and ends up being a lot less consequences but solves the issue in a more positive way. If he continues to be so harsh, and not work WITH you to solve parenting problems, then I recommend having him refrain from parenting until he can learn some skills.

My son is 2 years and four months old. I’m on the spectrum, but I don’t know if he is. He doesn’t really talk but he’s really smart and he’s very keen on doing everything himself. He babbles a lot with a few words here and there. He doesn’t seem to really want to try to learn new words. If he wants something he normally just either tries to do it himself or grabs my hand and drags me to something hoping I will figure it out. Before the lock down he was really behaved but a lot has happened in a year. My son is obsessed with cars now. His father also has become distant because of the pandemic. I’m worried about not being a good mom. The pandemic and recovery from two separate painfull surgeries really brought me low. Me and my sons father currently still live together but that situation may change soon. I just want to do right by my son. My sons father as far as we know is NT.

A lot of children don't yet talk at 2y4m. It looks like you can communicate with him well enough. That's the important part

Many kids don't talk at 2. The fact that he babbles is kind of practicing. The kids of mine who didn't really talk yet by 2 did need speech therapy later. The speech therapy was for vocabulary to help them find the words they needed.