How do I help him to engage?

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Hello,

I really would appreciate some advice. My youngest son is nearly 17. He has no diagnosis of ASD, but he was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder about two years ago. His older brother and his father both have diagnoses of AS.

My youngest has a long history of disengagement. He stopped attending school when he was 14 and, despite out efforts and the support of social services and school, he did not engage again and was educated on a very part time basis by a tutor from the local authority at home.

He began college this September, but dropped out after a week. Then, in February, he began a training course. We felt he had made a break through because he attended on a full time basis and even went away on a short residential trip with the group. However, just before Easter, he stopped attending. I have tried every strategy I know, but he will not consider returning. All he says is that he is sick of pretending and that he is not interested in the course or the people. His obsessions with fitness and eating have also gone through the roof.

However, he has no friends and will not engage in any social activities. The course is just about his only contact with the outside world. How can I help him to return to the training without escalating his anxiety?


Thanks

Sounds like a difficult situation, but I think its good that you are trying to help him with this. The important thing is that he's still a teenager and his brain is still developing, which means there may still be options to change his course, if he can be persuaded.
Sometimes the problem with school and training is that it does not provide enough inherent satisfaction for it to be worth struggling to overcome the anxiety. Perhaps the goal of gaining the qualification is too long-term and nebulous for him to be able to stick it out.
My suggestion would be to see if you can get him on some kind of work or volunteering that would have a more immediate positive impact. Something where he will be valued and his work will be making an obvious contribution to society, so that he can develop feelings of self-worth and self-confidence.
Or maybe see if he can get work experience in a field related to the training he was doing. That might re-kindle his desire to complete the course.
I know none of these suggestions will be easy, sorry I can't help more.

I personally have aspergers, anxiety, and social anxiety, so I'll be giving my opinion based on dealing with those things. I also stopped attending school at some point. It will be really hard to get him to do anything if he feels entirely uncomfortable or out of place. I know from experience the longer you are away from people, the worse you get overall. It was that way for me, and for two of my cousins, which both have anxiety and are younger. Not sure if he truly just has no interest in people or it's anxiety based, but I'll just assume it's anxiety based for now.

For one, I think you should work with him on some things that help his self esteem. A lot of people with anxiety end up having issues with this, working on it in general can help. Maybe get involved in his interests, and find a way to branch them out etc, things he can feel proud of. If he's hyper focused on something, it will be hard to get him away from it, unless another interest comes up. Or like the above post said, get him involved in something where he is contributing or helping other people or a cause. I would recommend something with animals, if he liked them. I think they're great to work with if you have anxiety, they are full of unconditional love.

Another thing is trying to get him involved with people through his interests, fitness and food. Not sure if he'd be interested in going to the gym, having a personal trainer, doing some kind of sport, learning to cook, or doing any of those things with family. I know he seems to not want to do anything with people, but all I can think of is to appeal to his interests in regards to having anything to do with people; even if it's family. I think it needs to be gradual thing.

When it came to me, it wasn't that I didn't want to socialize, but that it was too hard, and I only liked to do so with one or small groups of people. If he hates socialization as a whole, it could be a deeper issue other than just anxiety or being on the spectrum.

A possibly unpopular opinion is to manage his anxiety, I personally have tried anxiety medication and I hated it. It also did some long term damage to my body, and I'm averse to medicine in general, since I take what I consider to be enough for other issues. What I have tried though, and what you can try if he'll do it, is CBD oil or a mixture of CBD/THC oil for anxiety, it also tends to help depression, and ones mood depending on what you use. CBD is basically completely legal, no psychoactive ingredients, it wont affect you in a negative way and it's actually healthy. People use it for medical issues like epilepsy, depression, anxiety, etc. It's basically helpful, without hurting the body. I also use it for inflammation, it's amazing. On the other hand, I also have used, and prefer CBD/TCH oil, but this is another issue because it has TCH. It helps with my anxiety a lot, anything from taking the edge off, to completely preventing me from thinking about stressful things; depending on the strength. I tried one recently, that makes me feel happy as well, it has helped with my depression and made me more proactive. In the very least it isn't going to hurt one to try. I've turned the majority of my family onto it for various reasons depending on the person.

Continue to try and get him involved with things, even if he says no. It doesn't need to be something big, just something in general. Even little things like going somewhere to buy something, just so he gets out. It helps me a lot. He doesn't need to interact with people that way, but will be around people. It's still good, and not going anywhere, effects one a lot.

If you can, find out what makes him anxious, what bothers him so much, and find ways to work on that. I have put myself into therapy for anxiety, I'm pretty good at realizing my own problems, but sometimes the tools they give you are good. So are self help books, I read a lot. If he doesn't like to go anywhere, maybe he would like educating himself. I read a lot about anxiety, self love, aspergers, social anxiety, interaction, a lot about psychology, etc.

Maybe you can set goals, which he could look forward to. Make some kind of road map he could work towards. In regards to starting school again, I feel like the other things need to be addressed before you consider it. I would also look into what the school may have offered that could help him. They sometimes have programs that could help people who have a hard time for various reasons. For me I would have lasted longer in school, if I knew that I wasn't expected to talk to people in class/in front of class. Maybe you can come up with someone with the school or a teacher, where he isn't expected to engage as much. If worse comes to worse there is online schooling, regular school might not be for him. If he really wants to do whatever he was going to school for, he might be motivated to learn online.