Autistic Son Now Doesn't Like Visitors

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Hi,

My son is now 5, and was diagnosed with autism at 2. He's come a long way - talking, etc. - in the past three years, but he's still definitely behind.

Sometime over the past few months, he's developed a true dislike for people - anyone - to come into the house, other than us (parents and him). It doesn't matter if he likes the people elsewhere - they can be neighbors, grandparents, delivery people, cable people, whatever. Whoever they are. The minute the doorbell rings, there's a knock, or we open the door, he begins saying "good bye" and goes into meltdown mode.

We've tried to increase the number of people coming by, and while that sometimes helps a bit over the course of the day, by the next day, it's like there's a re-set, and he's unhappy again.

Anyone else dealt with this? Any suggestions/ideas? We can deal with the meltdowns, and they are slightly better than they were - sometimes no more than 5 to 10 minutes - but they're still a problem.

Thanks!
Kate

I am EXACTLY like this and I'm not sure I have a solution, but I know how it feels

It's like the house is your personal sanctuary, the one place you feel 100% safe, and that sanctuary is compromised by outsiders coming in. It's terrifying in its own right, because you have no Plan B, there's nowhere else you can go. Like being told by your parents that you're being kicked out of the house almost, or like you're being invaded. I'm 19 years old and I still shut down the rare times my mom has neighbors over, retreating to my room and not coming out until I know it's "safe", and for the most part I even seem perfectly normal. Even animals I don't like (a neighbor's dog maybe) feel like intruders if they come into our house to play with our dogs. It's gotten to the point where I shut down and automatically stop thinking of the house as my home, that it is only somewhere I live, or that it's my mom's house and she just lets me stay there, which is a horrible feeling. I'm not sure how helpful it is to do the whole 'exposure therapy' thing...to constantly have people over until they get used to it. But for me, I never get used to it. We've had family stay for a couple of weeks and having those people in my house was one of the most horrible experiences I've ever had. Maybe if there had been a constant stream of people when I was little it would have made me more resilient, or maybe it would have made the problem worse and forced me further and further into my shell. All I know is that the best thing, for me, for my mom to do is to have people in the porch or front/back yard (or other "neutral" territory), because having strangers "take over" the house (even if just standing in the kitchen) is one of the worst feelings in the world. (I suspect this is because Aspies/Autistics have more animalistic sensibilities and animals prefer to have their own safe retreat/territories. My littlest dog is the most sociable little boy in the world, but I would never think of sticking my face into his crate when he goes in there, because that's his "safe zone" and I would never invade it like that.)

That still happens to me, and i'm 26, it's like i live in a world inside my head and when someone knocks on the door or the phone rings it feels like being draged out of my world and into hell, i feel very vulnerable and scared. If he was much older i'd say try not to live inside your head, try to be awake most of the time, that way the doors and phones wont take you by surprise, but if he's just 5 years old, let him be, children have a right to be happy and his happines doesnt lie in human interaction.

How about advance "warnings" about visits? It seems to be a "classic" trait of people on the spectrum that we don't like surprises, so if you're already into scheduling your son's daily activities in detail, you might want to use this to notify him about who's visiting when (and probably equally important: for how long).

That would help with expected visits but there could still be issues with unexpected visits. I used to love visitors when really small but changed later on and sometimes used to hide under a bed. Even now, I jump when the phone rings or there is a knock on the door.

Understanding it, for me, is almost as good as having a "solution." I really wish there was a way for him to communicate if that's the problem - but I suspect it's probably similar because going up to his room, or hanging out in the upstairs playroom alone seems to help him.

The real problem is that sometimes we can't not have people here - if there's an issue and we need to have someone in the house -plumber or whatever - it can't always be avoided.

Thanks,
Kate

I'd totally agree with you except that sometimes it can't be avoided and people will come in. Delivery men, whatever. I'm really just trying to help him cope with the necessary. We do a lot to try to keep him happy and in his zone, but some things are just requirements of life. And here's the thing - once he gets used to people in the house (like my neighbor or his grandparents), then things are great. He wants to hug them and play with them and everything. It's just that initial push of them coming in the door.

It is nice to know, though, that this is a common issue. We haven't run into too many other parents/children in the area that are at our son's level - most are either much better or much worse, so it's hard to know what is him being a five year old, and what is him having special needs.

Thanks,
Kate

We've tried advance warnings - up to a day in advance. Doesn't really seem to make much of a difference. In fact, it can sometimes make it worse - just hearing that someone is coming over can send him into his "good-bye" routine.

We kept trying to figure out if it's just a transitioning problem or if there's something else going on. From the comments on this board, I'm getting the feeling now that it's both - he isn't good at transitions (which we knew), but it's probably more than just that.

Thanks,
Kate

phenomenon explained it quite well I think.

I agree that its probably more than simple problem with surprises. No one but me EVER enters my home. If I'm going to hang out with friends we go to their places or somewhere neutral. If something needs to be fixed like plumbing or what not I do it myself.. Ive gone to the extreme of learning electrician, plumbing, air conditioning repair, appliance repair, etc just to keep from having to let people into my "refuge".

Exposure isn't therapy its simple trauma. All your accomplishing by bringing a lot of people over is stressing him out and depriving him of a home.. while they are there he might as well be at someone else's house. After a while he switches to that "mode" of visiting a friends house and becomes sociable again.. its not that hes gotten used to them being in his home its that hes stopped thinking of it as his home.

When they leave after a while he relaxes and it becomes his home again.. hence the "reset".

I have begun to feel a lot like that lately, especially when complete strangers come to the door. I especially hate door-to-door salespeople.

Yes - even though I kind of feel sorry for them, I have found the hard way that buying things off door to door salespeople makes life too complicated. I don't mind buying raffle tickets and giving to charity doorknockers but it annoys me when people come round at tea-time wanting us to change over to another phone company or similar. They haven't been as bad lately but there are still plenty of calls from telemarketers.

When I was first dating my Aspie husband he was living at home. He was 22. When visitors would drop in unexpectedly to visit his parents, he'd go into his bedroom and wouldn't come out until they'd gone - even if they stayed for a few hours!

2 of my 3 sons have AS. They're OK with visitors provided they can retreat when they've had enough. They go into their bedroom and shut the door. The rule is, noone can follow them in their room if they're retreating.

Their friends are used to them now. I end up chatting/playing with my sons' friends when they're withdrawing!

Helen

Yeah I had some issues with visitors I wasn't familiar with either. But unless they refuse to even go to the bathroom or grab something to eat while they are retreating, it shouldn't be an issue.

well I know lots of folk will hate this but here are 2 ideas
Explain to your son its not ok to behave like this.Its fine as has been suggested to retreat to your room but Its not ok to make a scene.
firstly can you recall the last visist he didnt do this on, you could take pictures or get pictures off the net of the peopel that vsiist ( youd use the net for people like the cable company) place them all on a table and then chat to your son about why it would upset him if they came over
in his life he wil have to deal with visits from as you say cable people etc but also other situations he dosnt like.
so perhaps just ignoring his meltdown, I know thats hard but its the best way when your aspie is young, as at a guess Id say an aspiie who condemed this saying Its too much for me to cope with so I wont full stop not evan going into their room. they were probably was comforted when they had meltdowns when somone visted theeir house at a young age, Once your son learns that vists are ok then he should stop having meltdowns or at least learn he can retreat to his room, dont get me wrong its fine to not like vistors but its not ok to have a meltdown over it, he needs to learn he cant behave like this, perhaps if you are both in the house when this happens one of you could gently move him to his room, I know its hard and I appreiate that others will disgaree but lets not have a milliuon posts of ohh thats cruel etc beacuse at the end of the day you cant expect poor behavviour people with aspergers have to behave appropiatly if they ever want to be in socity get a job etc etc. I do understand what having vistors is like when you hate have peole in your space beacuse I hate it to but Ive had to learn to deal with it, my parents ignored my tantrums and I turned out ok somtimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Last edited by Hop-along on 28 Jul 2007, 6:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well as long he has somewhere he can gracefully retreat to if he finds things too much that is okay. I have a friend who won't even go to the toilet when there are visitors because she's too embarrassed (unless it's just number ones) so fear of visitors is certainly a real worry at times. BTW, she is an aspie.

I am like this as well. If I don't know someone is coming over, I will ignore the knock at the door and pretend not to be home.

I agree it would be best for you to have a place your son can retreat to until people leave, and let him know it is okay for him to do that. If it is someone he likes, you may find he will come out to see them of his own accord once he is used to the idea of having them there.

It is exactly like a cat hiding under the bed. If you harass the cat, it won't budge. If you leave it alone, once it feels comfortable it may eventually come out and jump on your lap.