My 17 yr. old son is having a hard time accepting his autism

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My 17 yr. old son is having a hard time accepting his autism diagnosis. He is high functioning, and feels his life is not worth living if he has autism. He equates autism with mental retardation, but I tell him some of the smartest people in the world have autism. He feels he cannot have a happy life, and that everyone thinks he is weird. I don’t know what to do.

I'm so sorry that your son is so upset. It can be devastating to realize that the issues you're having are a part of who you are. It also can be very freeing to know that you are not to blame.
I hope your son has an opportunity to talk to a therapist so he can learn to accept and love himself.
This forum is full of wonderful autistic people of all ages. Welcome and sending warm hugs your way.

Welcome. Is he in counseling? Is he able to belong to any sort of autism support group? If not an autism group, what about a group that is typically made up of quirky kids who embrace uniqueness? Theater, math club, computer club, etc?

I had neither counseling nor a support group when I was his age in the 1980s. Middle school and high school comprised the worst period of my life. Frankly, it was horrible and I hated it to the point that my last day of high school still is something I consider to be one of the happiest days of my entire life; right up there with my wedding day and the birth of our children. Not an exaggeration.

I didn't know I was on the spectrum back then. I only knew that everyone thought of me as weird from kindergarten onward and it was so hard to make good friends. If I would have had good friends that were like me that would have accepted me for who I was, it would have made all the difference in the world.

Instead, out of desperation I fraternized with peers that were a bad influence on me and I partook in all the trappings that those groups were in to.

Life was better for me after high school when the world became larger with more options, college, etc.

Tanjiro's Son:

Hello. I am 21 and also high-functioning autistic. Not sure when you were diagnosed but if it was recently then that can be very difficult to deal with. I was diagnosed at 19.

For me it was difficult to accept--I did not know what autism was. You know you're not ret*d. I knew I wasn't ret*d. It did not make sense. If you are autistic, you are OK, just different.

Medical diagnoses are intrinsically negative; autistic people tend to focus on the literal wording of things. I heard that "autistics have obsessive interests:" well crap. Turns out these interests have enabled me to find art, friendships, and the start of my college education which I intend to continue all the way from here to PhD. (Though as a freshman I am nowhere near that point right now!) I happened to be fond of stories. So I'm studying English, of course.

Another thing: As far as everyone thinking you're weird, you know what, you probably are a little bit but the whole world is weird. The weirdness you bring will, I guarantee, be mild compared to other peoples' and I think you are going to be fine.

Friends are more important now than worries--and if you are anywhere you will meet someone like-minded, then you are in good shape.

I haven't used this web site for a couple weeks & was about ready to leave it. If you need help let me know through the Private Message system.

B

if this is a new discovery or diagnosis, it can be overwhelming. In particular it is like telling someone that you have "Autism Spectrum Disorder". Most people associate a mental picture of an autistic kid rocking back and forth completely oblivious to the world around him. Even if one retains the older term "Aspergers", it often seems not to communicate anything useful and often creates alarm in others.

If this is a new consideration, it can be helpful to get as much useful information as you can. This helps create a frame of reference that is able to reduce the anxiety associated with some of the popular conceptions.

The Tony Attwood videos on Youtube are often helpful. There are two free pdf booklets you can download also that can give a broader perspective;

Aspergers - An Intentional Life http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... e_2017.pdf

Aspergers Parenting http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... g%20v2.pdf

The age of 17 is tricky because there is often a legacy of mental processing that was established in childhood and is now somewhat of a hindrance. I have attended Mensa meetings where is seems like many 30 year olds who have sequestered themselves from social interaction are only just beginning to reemerge and attempt to develop social interactions.

It can be helpful to understand that while the neurological condition (not disorder or disability) will always cause one to be somewhat "different" it can be made much more manageable and skills can be achieved that make life much easier. If one has a clearer idea of what is happening and why, it puts one in a position to take greater control and achieve greater skill development.

In some ways I think its harder for a young man to accept any kind of disability as it means admitting weakness which "real men" aren't supposed to have (which is of course BS).

Tanjiro:

I think you should be hopeful overall. In the midst of a bad experience, humans tend to feel like it's never going to end or never going to get better. We know that 's not true. Teenagers more than adults have a hard time seeing past what they're experiencing at the moment.

He may be interested in assistance with dating and relationships at some point.
It may be a major issue at his age even though he may not bring it up on his own.

Aspies have a slightly different brain structure. It gives us both advantages and disadvantages. If an Aspie matures properly, they can become a Nonconformist and that is very beneficial to society. Here are several quotes about nonconformist:

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. – Rob Siltanen: Apple, "Think Different" campaign

It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed. - Albert Einstein

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain

Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road. - Voltaire

Not all those who wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A "normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray." - Alan Sherman

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche

The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain. - Colin Wilson

Freedom began on the day the first sheep wandered away from the herd. ― Marty Rubin

I like to replace the word “autism” with “blackness” and then see how it sounds. So here we would say, “My son is having a hard time accepting his blackness.” Would it really be a big deal if this kid wanted to behave as another race or simply ignore his race?

He’s going to decide for himself who or what he is. You are likely completely right, but he’s got to come to that or not on his own.

Why was there a need for a diagnosis in the first place if he is high functioning? Unfortunately, I never disclosed anything to my son for years until I felt he was ready to know something about himself and me, his mother. At 25, he was able to accept it but by this time he was established with a wife and a child and could not care less about any kind of diagnosis unless it affected his ability to provide for his family. I personally believe that people are changing due to technology - it's much more involved than just a matter of autism getting more notice through diagnoses. I also feel that people on the spectrum should stick with other people on the spectrum that they have common interests with - including the opposite sex as well. As far as my son goes, it would not have mattered if I told him or not. I don't feel that high-functioning autism should be a diagnosis at all but more of a personality type. At one point depending "who" is in the majority, there will be lots of new diagnoses. When I watch NT women in their friend groups, I'd swear a diagnosis is necessary for the pure hell they make for each other.

I am so sorry to know that your son is feeling that way. I suggest you make him talk to a professional.