Adult son has no motivation

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idntonkw
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16 Nov 2020, 7:19 pm

colemanse wrote:

My son, now 20, has absolutely no motivation for doing anything except playing some video games and watching youtube. He started recently taking a couple classes at a community college, which of course are now done virtually at home, and I have to prompt him for everything. I work at home, so though I'm able to take time out of my day and be his scribe for this classes (he can't write fast enough to take notes) I've begun to fall into a depression and by the afternoon I could just sob every day. I have to prompt, urge, nudge, request, suggest that he do something - connect to the class, do homework, an assignment.... anything. I have to moderate everything and enable everything he does. Then of course he gets mad if I ask him "please, come and let's do your homework for xxxx" too many times. And the semester is just beginning!

Between doing my own work and enabling every bit of his, I'm exhausted and depressed. I don't know how he'll ever be able to do anything for himself - school or job. Socially, is he extremely awkward and most people take a while to understand it's his autism. Right now I don't see this ever getting better.

Sounds like you both may have depression given you sob and he passively plays video games.

Prompt, nudge, urge, request, suggest are NORMAL and RECOMMENDED and HELPFUL things for AS or ADHD person, you are doing the RIGHT thing there and don't feel bad about it like it is shameful or unrecommended. Don't expect him to do things without prompting, it's a benefit of having a family as they can do prompting for you and it's a helpful accommodation.

Ask everyone you know if they know of a job for your son. Does he have a resume?

Redd_Kross
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18 Nov 2020, 7:41 pm

SocOfAutism wrote:

He will do tremendous work if he knows he will be left alone afterward.

^^^ This.

I find dealing with people for any length of time exhausting.

Much of the time it doesn't seem worth the effort.

CoronaTimes
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22 Nov 2020, 12:40 am

Hi There, I hear you loud and clear. My 28 year old daughter is your son's twin and has been this way since I can recall from about age 12. We had no idea she was on the spectrum until age 25. Between ages 12 - 25 life was hellish.. After the diagnosis I gave her respite. Now she is 28 and just, but only JUst coping with day to day living, nearly no work, no study except self directed interest and hobby - all online - and she has zero friends......I have become increasingly depressed just managing her, doing everything alone and working full time. I think parents need support too and I am screaming it out loud, I AM DESPERATE TO TALK TO ANOTHER ASD PARENT.....are you interested to think with me ??? I really mean it....I'm so exhausted dealing with the world alone.

idntonkw
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23 Nov 2020, 12:37 am

CoronaTimes wrote:

I observed that AS adult kids who are told about their diagnosis do not improve when you apply the recommended advice of going easy on them, not criticizing them, giving them space. Instead, they regress and just barely manage to shower, sit on the computer, eat and get entertainment. Survival is a big motivator and it makes your brain work better to realize what you actually need. That's why AS people with rich parents often do worse than those whose parent couldn't provide for them. But not always.

nomad48
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05 Dec 2020, 11:03 pm

colemanse wrote:

This sounds like when I was 20, different interests for me same problems, I found a part-time job at 21 and did that for 6 years, never was great at the job, stressed out constantly, my mom talked about it with me all the time, always listening to my problems, never brushing me aside and saying that's life, she would spend her time cheering me up, about how find what you can handle in life, having her listen when I would get overwhelmed was very appreciated, I lost her to a disease last year, and during 2020 really would like to have one last chat. most jobs you can find online without having extreme motivation, some places are training from home currently, ask him about what jobs he would hate the most.

Redd_Kross
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05 Dec 2020, 11:41 pm

idntonkw wrote:

You'll have the stats to back that up, then?

This thread is full of generalisations. The whole point of diagnosing people "on the spectrum" is to emphasise that everyone with Autism is different.

So blanket rules and assumptions can't be accurate, can they?

Personally, I'm only motivated by doing a really good job at things that interest me. That's it. You either get 100% or nothing at all. Obviously the tricky bit is turning interests / obsessions into paid work. And keeping a healthy balance between routine and variety, so the job continues to feel reassuring and secure without growing dull.

I'd rather be homeless than work retail front of house anywhere. Generally even the jobs I really enjoy only last for 2 or 3 years before I start burning out. At one point I was self-employed and earning £60k+ but the continual uncertainty and the paperwork side of running the business got to me in the end. I am trying to get recognition / assistance with my limited employment status, as I'm fed up of the same boom and bust cycle. I think I might be able to sustain a job for much longer (and suffer less with anxiety and depression) if I could work part time, let's say 3 days a week, doing something I find rewarding. Thus giving more time to work on my diet, exercise, meditation, emotional self-awereness, reading, personal organisation, volunteering and so forth. While work is a source of stress and fatigue it also creates stress and fatigue at home because I end up overwhelmed and need more and more recovery time.

But that's just me. It'll be different for anyone else.

Last edited by Redd_Kross on 05 Dec 2020, 11:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

cyberdad
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05 Dec 2020, 11:50 pm

@OP
This psychologist in Boston is an authority on the subject
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/healt ... aign=sciam

nomad48
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16 Dec 2020, 11:54 pm

cyberdad wrote:

@OP
This psychologist in Boston is an authority on the subject
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/healt ... aign=sciam

He may be an expert but, advice is only what you pay for it. for every man who is living a peter pan life, another man is alone on a street corner with a sign. It is hard to make it in the adult world sometimes, males are more difficult on other males in the workplace than females who spend time building each other up and listening to every female who has to vent. not every male can make it successful, it can't happen. so sometimes normal is minimum wage & not being able to afford their own place, living at home but, the stress of having to work anytime without any benefits, not working at all for an extended period of time is something different, there is always the option of a local community college with part time on the weekends to test the waters on difficulty.

CockneyRebel
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17 Dec 2020, 10:55 pm

You should sit down with him and ask him if he really wants to be taking the course that he's taking. You should also have a rule that if your son wants to live under your roof, he needs to get himself a job. It doesn't have to be a full-time job. Just enough hours so that he's not playing video games all working hours of the day. The hour's that he's not working, he can play video games to his heart's content. Another thing that the two of you can do is make a list of tasks that need to be done throughout the day. Give him the list in the morning and tell him that he needs to do those things. Give him a set time to do the chores.

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MattHughe
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28 Dec 2020, 5:05 am

I went through this. I lost motivation to do anything. My parents paid for the short course abroad. New country inhaled life into me

RuthDiane
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16 Apr 2021, 1:50 pm

SocOfAutism wrote:

I have been married to an autistic man most of my life and we have a six year old with ADHD and some other stuff.

Depression in autistic people can look like laziness or it can turn into an addiction with a special interest, such as playing too many video games. The good news is that the special interest gives them emotional and mental relief. Obviously, there are worse ways to deal.

Don’t take notes for him. Get him a recorder and some good text to type software.

Then teach him to put needed information on cards, preferably color coded. Tell him to hard memorize enough to get, say, a B grade. He may be aiming for As, which can stress him out and ultimately lead to doing less.

Give him a written list with pictures of what you need him to do every day. It doesn’t matter how high functioning he may be, it will still help.

Your most difficult item you mentioned was lack of motivation. Some other posters touched on this already. I would say that you need to know from him what HIS goals are, and then you’ll know if he’s on target to reach those goals.

My husband has a genius level IQ. When we were teenagers I was amazed that he didn’t utilize it for school or a fancy job. It turned out that my husband is primarily motivated by being left alone. He will do tremendous work if he knows he will be left alone afterward. So he DOES utilize his IQ for HIS goals, just not for mine.

Lastly, and sorry this is so long, your son is in an age where many autistic people just kind of flounder around. I have heard this over and over for years. A person will get into their early twenties and wonder why they do not have the activity level or drive of NTs in the same age group. Autistic people do commonly “get it together” or find a good life routine by their late twenties. Many do better in overall life success than NTs. So don’t worry.

I have a very similar situation to the OP, except I don't have the personal stressors. This was by far the most helpful and encouraging response. Thank you.

RuthDiane
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16 Apr 2021, 1:53 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:

Well sounds like the best thing to do for now would be put the classes on hold. If he is doing his own chores and all that the classes probably aren't necessary and may be less stress for both of you if he is not taking classes.

Once this covid stuff mellows out than he could still do the job coaching...or alternatively if there are any thrift store chains in your area he may not need a job coach to get a job at one. Realistically even now he could maybe get a job at a place like that at least in my state thrift stores are still open.

I agree. We stopped with the college classes in January 2021 because online just wasn't working for him. WE have all had a chance to relax and just coast until Covid settles down and we can find a new normal.

DesertWoman
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24 Apr 2021, 7:09 pm

He might need to see a therapist, or be prescribed medication. I was put in therapy and meds at age 23. i wasn't lazy at all, but I'd finished college and lost a lot of jobs. I was bullied as a kid and a little bit at my summer camp job.

So, give him some credit for doing something- anything. He's not giving up on his life, and that's good. Being autistic is a drag.
He should remain in school only if he can do the work and if it means something for his future. Maybe this is the time for you both to reassess his lifelong goals.

Good luck, and stay strong.

idntonkw
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27 Apr 2021, 3:52 am

RuthDiane wrote:

SocOfAutism wrote:

I have a very similar situation to the OP, except I don't have the personal stressors. This was by far the most helpful and encouraging response. Thank you.

Yes, indeed, that looks like it would work best!

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