Other Parents

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I have a 5 year old the AS. I'm having an issue with parents of other NT kids. They seem distant or look at you as if your kid is weird or think its us because of bad parenting. They act even more distant when we tell them that he has AS. What are your feelings? I'm curious.

This isn't an issue for me now since my son is in a specialized class at school and I have no interaction with the parents of the NT kids. It was tough last year when he attended a mainstream preschool--I received a lot of those "looks". I just tried to ignore them but it does sting.

I think it is more because they don't really know what AS is and they tend to stay distant because they don't want to do or say the "wrong" thing.

and of course there are those who just think you are a bad parent, ignore them and their ignorance!

Actually today at the healtfood store the clerk just stared at my and my kiddo the entire time...she seemed a little odd to me, if I may say so myself...hehe...I have received that in some instances, and it does make me sick to my stomach...needless to say, one major reason to homeschool him and not subject him to more people without manners out there...

We are very fortunate that our neighbors are mostly amazing...behind us they have two nephews with autism, in front of us the lady is a child psychologist and has worked with kids with autism, next to us our neighbors are very religious and we hardly talk, but when we do, they are very nice to him and have actually commented a few times on how beautiful our son sings (he does that most of the day) and have told us that their daughter was very similar to our son when she was growing up...so they understand...and our other neighbor is our closest neighbor and they are wonderful to our son. They even built a pool in their yard, with a gate towards our backyard and gave us a key for the kiddo to go swimming whenever he wants (since he loves the water and it relaxes him)...They are truly the best neighbors...The woman is a reporter and very open minded, just as her husband.

But out there in stores, in the street? Yes, and it gets old...Thank God I don't have to put up with it much, because honestly, I don't have much patience for the kids acting that way, much less their parents.

I know exactly what you mean. I've been through that. Here are some things to consider:

- Not every parent will be so judgemental. Look around and you'll find some parents who are accepting and understanding. I have made some fantastic friends who like my sons and admire their intelligence and unique ideas.

- Look at some of the parents who are judging you/your child. Are these the type of people that are worth worrying about? There are a group of snooty Mum's who rejected me and my children. I got all upset for a while. But then I thought about it ..... I don't even like these women so why would I care what they think.

- You can't actually mind-read. You can only guess at what people are thinking. They might not even be thinking about your child and your parenting skills.

- I provided written information about AS to parents rather than trying to tell them.

I have suffered depression and have been seeing the psychologist. I am feeling so happy and confident now.

I have my friends who love my sons and I focus on this.

It's quite funny, I was talking to the psychologist yesterday about the snooty Mums who'd rejected me ... and how I didn't even like them anyway so why should I care what they think. Anyway, I saw one of the snooty Mum's in the shops this morning.

We were in the same aisle and she had her 2 younger daughters with her. I cracked a few silly jokes and her daughters were giggling away. Mum's looking disapproving which just egged me on .... more silly jokes and more giggles from the girls.

I said, 'Have a nice day' to her and went on my way. I smiled to myself as I overheard the daughters say, 'That lady's funny Mummy'

Helen

Thanks for the words of encouragement. My son right now is going to regular Kindergarden. Our services here in PA are really good.

I have learned that to have a son with AS, us as parents, have to grow thick skin. They way I see it, my son is not different, he just thinks different.

I'm in PA too and I agree, we are a great state where autism/Asperger's is concerned .

My son is now 10 and ever since he was born there have been parents who "get it" and those who don't. It is hard to be stared at but like another poster said you may not know why they are staring and to try to read their minds will make you crazy. It has almost been a blessing that I don't have a NT kid -it has made me much less aware of what others think of me. I don't care if someone stares - it's usually out of ignorance and I can usually forgive people for that. I don't forgive rudeness or just plain mean behavior. I think with a NT or non-NT kid you have to ignore what others say about you. I always think "have they lived in my house for 24 hours? have they experienced a true AS meltdown or episode?" - NO? Then they don't get to voice their opinion!

Bravo, Smelena! We would have such fun together, lol.

I wonder if the mom was jealous of your sense of humor?

tygereyes

What I run into a lot with other parents is that they are judgemental, but in a different way. When I explain that my son has Aspergers - and then explain what Aspergers is, almost ALWAYS they say that they had no idea, and that I really shouldn't use that as an excuse for his behavior, because he seems to do just fine.


Here's the thing - I don't use the Aspergers as an "excuse". I simply state it as fact. It's not as though I have forgotten how to discipline or "parent" as needed, in fact I spend far more time parenting because of the fact it's needed in his situation. I just think it's very rude of these parents to automatically assume that because I'm explaining how the ASD affects my son, I'm just using it as an excuse. I've learned relatively quickly that there are a LOT of people out there that believe a disorder is someone's opinion - and that because there's no medical test or explanation for Aspergers (much like ADHD I suppose), that people think it's just an excuse. That's so completely offensive. I've actually told people that if they don't understand autism, that's fine, but that before they start making rash judgements, perhaps they ought to actually do some research and learning about Aspergers or HFA. It's frustrating.

OMG.... Rhonda..... you pretty much summed it up!! !.

Hasn't been a problem with us. Most people are shocked when they learn that our 9 y/o DD has HFA. Only a few, trusted neighbors and her teachers know. She's a very shy, well-behaved girl, so it's not a problem for us.

It really sucks when people rush to judge anyone about anything. We live in a judgmental society. It's human nature. Sad, but true.

This is what I needed to hear today. I feel like my son and I are being judged all the time by NT parents, to the point that I think I'm getting too obsessed with it. I have to remind myself that what other people think (or what I think they think) doesn't have to have anything to do with my reality.

Maureen

Maureen,

I believe what you said, is the hardest thing too remember.

I guess I am just really lucky, because all the parents that I know are really supportive of my son, they all take the time to listen to him when he talks and go out of their way to acknowledge him, even though he rarely ever says Hi back. Parents that don't know me I guess I don't give any attention to anyway.

I live in Southern California in a so-called upscale area (whatever ) - and I have to say, the people here are so incredibly judgmental of one another it's ridiculous. This whole area is about who has what, who drives what, how many square feet your house is and what have you done to "improve" the house. It's the same way with the kids and their activities - if you have your child in soccer, why isn't it "Club" soccer. If your child is in dance you'd better be getting private lessons for the child or you'd think you were stunting the kids' growth. It's ridiculous and I don't buy into that way of life - but that's also why I run into the attitudes of other parents so often too.