confession of a Mother

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I hope I am safe here when saying that I experience anxiety watching my son participate in social activities. Where I know that he will learn best by being social, just watching other children and their reactions to him are sometimes painful for me. He has wanted to start martial arts, so he had his first lesson yesterday. Maybe in a way that's a good thing to start with because from what I could see the kids aren't allowed to talk to each other, rather they need to be listening to the teacher with almost military attention.
My son has these odd behaviors, sometimes strange vocal patterns when participating in physical sports. The summer he played soccer, he moved up and down the field with his team, but he was the only one skipping from one end of the field to the other sometimes it's hard for me to watch him attempt to fit in where I think he may never, being from the "wrong planet" like this site suggests (brilliant by the way). I've overheard children a couple of times expressing dismay over having my son on the playground with them or on their team (of course they didn't know I was standing behind them).
I guess I am sad for him, because I want him to have friends, and worry that it won't be possible for him to have a true friend, unless he finds another Aspie that he can relate to, and then if he does, can he relate to someone else?
Anyway, thanks for listening, my husband just tells me I worry too much, he's probably right.

As an aspie myself, who did pretty similar things to your son (I still really have to struggle to suppress the urge to skip now, and I am 26!! !) I think the best thing you can do is to make sure he feels good about himself and that he knows that it is perfectly okay to be a bit 'different'. He needs to know that you accept, value and love him for who he truly is.

He also needs to know that you are there for him if ever there are any problems, such as other children picking on or excluding him. If he is confident that he can tell you about any problems right away, and that you will understand and do what you can to help and support him, this will help him to feel more confident.

It is obvious that you really care for your son, and you are probably doing all of the above already. Having careing parents who make you feel good about who you really are and who love and accept you unconditionally are about the best thing a child can have.

Your husband is right in that he will adapt and he will find good friends, even non-aspie ones. There are kind people in this world and there are people who appreciate someone who is different, who has joy and creative spark! (that skipping looks like fun I bet!)

On the other hand it will be difficult and if he hankers after "being normal" he will be rejected and disappointed. So I'm for moderation, I say worry but don't overdo it! Comfort him when he is unhappy. Answer his questions as best you can. When I complained to my mother that other boys didn't play with me she told me nothing was wrong and that just made for a horrible distance between me and my mother for years and years.

Also encourage him in the sense he has that he can think for himself, that he has gifts as well as problems because he does. As he adapts to social expectations he may lose some of his joy. Help him keep in touch with his individuality, to know that it may be good to be with other people sometimes, to have friends, but it is also wonderful to be alone, to recharge, to commune with whatever it is we are communing with that is so precious when we are alone!

I used to skip a lot too, as late as junior high school. I had forgotten about that. Thanks!

Yes it is gut wrenching to watch your son seem like an outcast (been there!) but I will echo others and say yes it is possible for your son to have friends. He will find someone who "gets him" . My son hasn't ever had a ton of friends (he doesn't want that many he says!) but he has always found at least one kid he clicked with and he has been able to have very good, meaningful interactions with them. Currently he has a friend that is NT (although I kind of doubt it) and he and my son can talk for 3 hours straight about whatever aspie type 10 year olds talk about.

I think it may help if you change your definition of what friends and social interaction will look like for your son. It will most likely be different than the NT definition. Your don't mention your sons age but mine is 10 and he has always to some degree stood out as different when in a group of kids. The more we experience his aspie-ways (he was only diagnosed at age 9) the more that I don't really care that he is "different" (by who's definition anyway?) He is an incredibly smart, interesting, funny kid. We did try all the NT sports stuff - we didn't know he is NOT a sports kid and have eliminated the social stuff that he can't handle and move him towards social stuff that he can handle.

Easy to say - hard to do - Try not to worry!

wow! your son can skip !......my aspie son and my daughter with ADHD were never quite coordinated enough~thye'd always end up tripping over their own feet..........social interactions can be nerve-wracking. my son was unfortunately aware that others found him odd, didn't want him on their team~but didn't know how to express his dismay at this ( this was pre-dx). he ended up internalizing alot of his feelings about this, and started acting out. we took him for a dx because of the acting out.
you need to be aware of what's going on, but also know how to step back and let them try to deal with the situation at hand ( if they're capable of that ~depends where on the spectrum they land). Maybe bring a magazine or crocheting or knitting with you, so that you're physically present at his practices~ but able to be distracted by something)
just another thought~ the more apprehensive you get about the social situations, the more anxious he may get

Thank you all so much for the above words of encouragement. I am a father of a son with "high functioning autism". I'm not sure if this is different from Asperger's or not. I don't think anyone really knows for sure as I get differet and confusing information everyday. I just dropped him off at kindergarten for his second day. He tries hard to mimic the play of the other kids but I can see they do not even make eye contact with him and it's like he's just invisible and on the outside looking in. I feel so sad for him and I've got tears streaming down my face as I type this. I know it is only going to get worse as he gets older in terms of others not only noticing he's different but at some point(3rd grade I've heard) they will also start to single him out for ridicule. I pray he learns some coping skills and that he will make at least a few friends. Our family does give him much love and support but we obviously can't be there to protect him 24/7 and I feel sick when I have to send him out on his own. I know it's best for him to learn to get along in this world but I know it's hard enough for NT people, let alone a person who has his difficulties in social interacations. Sorry for rambling. I'm glad I found this sight and I know I'll lean on it many times. THanks again.

Hi, I remember someone mentioned that acting/drama classes where good for his son, I think it was Ana54.

I feel your Anxiety AJaysDad. I feel the same way. My son just started Kindergarden as well. He has AS, and is in a mainstream class. I'm a nervous wreck here at work. And yes, the thing I'm most afraid of is the Bully'ing. If it happened to me at some point, I'm afraid for him and all I want to do is protect him. My son just started his second year of Karate.
I'm not promoting violence at all, but he's there to help him learn self defence, self awareness, improve his listening skills, and most importantly self confidence. His instructor is awesome with kids and fully aware of my sons diagnosis. So he is very patient with him and good at re-directing when he gets out of line.

His school has special programs that will help him. Everything was very detailed in his IEP. If your son does not have an IEP, make sure you demand it from his school.

We are also going to try some acting classes which I heard helps a bunch.

Lean on us whenever you want because if we lean on each other, neither will Fall.

Rich "Christiansdad"

As an AS adult now parenting an AS child, here's my advice/perspective. Allowing your son to be involved is really important. He needs to learn these skills. For an aspie, learning isn't always as easy or as pleasant, but that's what you're there for. Sometimes you'll need to pick him up when he's down, point him in the right direction, and be his rock. Just be there. Kids are pretty good at communicating their needs if you just listen. I think some moms (self included sometimes) tend toward over-worrying.

Also understand that your son's social needs may not be anything like yours. NTs looked at me thinking my life was sad and pathetic growing up due to a lack of friends. It wasn't, my needs were just different. Close friendships weren't *as* important to me as they would be to an NT child. My difficulty wasn't so much making friends but maintaining them. I find that people are high-maintenance. I'm the occasional friend. Don't feel too terrible just yet.

He will think differently and do things differently. He'll be mostly normal, but quirky. I love my aspie child's little quirks most of the time, though some of the stims can get frustrating for me. Just hang in there mom, don't worry too much. I'm sure you hear that a lot, but seriously, it sounds like he's doing well and he has a mom who cares. What more can an AS boy ask for?

Thanks all for your words of encouragement and validation. I hadn't considered really that as a NT I would be thinking of my son's relationships in that manner. I am NOT a soccer mom (don't participate in sports myself usually) and have only let him participate in a few sports because he wanted to. He wanted to play soccer last summer and I just told him he couldn't.
Karate on the other hand I hope will be different. I am wondering if I should tell his teacher about the AS, not to have him have special treatment, but just to make the teacher aware of the things that go on in his brain? The main teacher has a few apprentice helpers, one of which seemed like he liked the power of being in charge a little too much. But what do I know, I was only there watching for a little bit of the time.
Bullying has been a major issue for us in the past. Currently this year I have him at home school, I'm not sure what next year will bring. Things seemed easier until he got to 4th grade. That's when the kids started being less tolerant of his odditites. I am hoping that the Karate will boost his self esteem, and also help with his listening skills

I make people aware of my daughter's AS, because I feel it is a positive that the people teaching her and interacting with her are aware of it. Seeing her quirks in that light makes it easier to deal with. Also, I don't ever want to avoid telling people, because I don't want her to feel ashamed of who she is. Informing your son's karate instructor may be helpful in case his focus or behaviors were to raise an eyebrow. I'm not a soccer mom myself, lol, so I know where you're coming from on that. I try to let my daughter try whatever she wants though, I think it builds character, confidence and self-esteem knowing (a) she can and (b) I support her. I think you're doing the right things, you're being a supportive mom

oh yes! I feel lots of anxiety when it comes to my son (I always just thought it was a personal quirk or flaw of mine). He plays soccer now too, and it funny as I read your original post because tonight at practice he was skipping across the field! It is not something that he does often but I think he was just feeling joy because he had a really really good day today. I hate taking my son to a McDonald's playland! but I do it anyway because he loves it and I know he needs to be put out there and given the opportunity. His social skills are very poor, but for some reason or another he seems to be very popular at school. I go often and eat lunch with him and there are always kids walking by him and saying Hi to him. A couple of kids on his soccer team go to his school also so that helps. I hate to see him struggle in these social situations and he does struggle but as long as he is having fun it is okay, and for the most part all the kids have been really good to him. So I guess I am lucky so far. He does attend an autism program here at a local university and they really work with him on social skills training so I have to believe that he will do well in the future and that I just have to get over myself and let him do his thing and support him!

It *is* hard to watch your child in a new situation where they haven't yet adapted. I totally agree. My son plays soccer, and for the first couple of seasons - I would cringe at times. Kids would yell to him, and he wouldn't answer most of the time, even if they were saying hi. I'd just always encourage him, because it's really the only way for them to learn - by doing. Now he really seems to enjoy it - once we get him to the field. (it's funny because in true Aspie fashion - he hates being pulled away from whatever activity he's doing at the time we have to leave for practice or a game.)

It was even worse in T-Ball though - he wasn't very coordinated (at least not at 5 and 6 years old), and back then I didn't even know what was going on with him, so my husband and I would just sit, cringe, watch the games and applaud his successes when they came. He ended up quitting T-Ball in favor of playing more soccer - but at least he tried, and did it for as long as he wanted. We're all about letting him try new things - and yes, we're both NT. We've just learned that the things that would bother my husband and I don't necessarily concern our son much, and that's OK.

I really do believe that if our son wants to try new things, that it's very good to encourage him!

I skipped as a child, and galloped too, and preferred either to running. For me, it was because those two were far less strenuous than running, and I could keep it up for ten times longer.

I couldn't run worth a damn, in terms of both speed and endurance. In no time at all, my lungs were on fire, my legs were seemingly made of lead, and it was taking an active effort of will to even remain upright... what my body most wanted to do was just collapse on the ground in an inert, gasping heap. I was always pretty strong for my age and sex, even as a child, but running was hell.

I don't know if this is why your son is skipping instead of running, but it might be. *shrugs*

If it is, one thing you might want to steer him towards is playing defense in hockey or soccer. Not the goalie... protective gear or no, he would probably be understandably hesitant to have people trying to get a ball (or a puck) by him at high speed, and know that it's his job to block it in any way he can. He might want to play as one of the two people who stand (one on each side and a little ways out) from the team's goalie. You don't have to run around in those positions much at all. Instead, you wait for the ball (or the puck) to come near, and then you kick the living hell out of it with your foot (or slam it real hard with your stick) to get it away from the area.

If he has running issues but is above average in physical strength, this is just about perfect.

Where I will encourage him is most likely not in sports, however I won't stifle his desire to try out new things.
Is it possible to be embarassed FOR him? Being a NT I can seem to only process things how I would feel if similar things were happening to me. How much does he really care? I'm sure that it varies from one aspie to another, I am sure that not all prefer to be solitary. In fact that was one thing that steered me away from AS in the first place. The site I was looking at and a magazine article I found said that those with AS were anti-social, and had a difficult time making friends. My son is not anti-social, but does have a hard time socializing to make friends. Not for a lack of trying, he just is very awkward at trying to copy others. He does have some boys at church that are kind to him and for that I am grateful.