Fathers, I need your help

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Ever since my baby girl was born, I haven't felt much of a connection to her - almost as if she's not my daughter. I know it probably makes me seem like a monster or whatever.

I would very much love to feel that connection or bond between us.

Although, I do have to say that feeling has diminished a lot since she was born. I don't know if it's my AS or what but damn. I should feel like she's my daughter - a product of me and my wife's love.

Anyway, please let me know what I can do to increase feelings of bonding and fatherness.

I'm a mom with Asperger's but from even watching the NT father of my 2 sons, I can say that it seems like for a male and even with a woman, there isn't always an "instant" connection. I know it took me a few days with each of the boys to really get used to them and form a bond, my bond with my oldest (autistic) son though was stronger than with my younger (non-autistic) son. Though I had the bond of feeling the need to provide and all, emotionally with my youngest I didn't feel as connected. I noticed that it took a while even for my NT partner that he didn't seem to feel or seem to have the connection even after the birth with either of the boys for a while. I think the most I'd suggest is to spend time holding your little one, participate as much in all facets of caring from feeding even to changing diapers, holding the little one to sooth them when the baby is upset and take it easier on yourself, I've heard enough from even some NT fathers that it took time for them to adjust and bond with their kids.

First off, am I flaking out or what? Is there another digger1 who posts as the wife?
I'm seriously mixed up here.

Anyway,

I really wish I had answers to your questions. Just by the wording in your post (not to mention the fact that you posted it at all), you show caring and compassion for your daughter.

I have heard something similar to what you posted, from a friend of mine once except she wasn't talking about babies.

Perhaps I'm not understanding what you all mean.

It just makes sense to me that when a person takes actions or expresses feelings connected with someone else's well-being, that person is showing caring and compassion.
It doesn't always have to look the same as it does in the movies or on t.v., but it is what it is... at least to me.

You come across as a feeling, caring father. Perhaps what needs to be understood here is the disconnect between what you do - i.e. your post here - and your realization of what it means.

Make sense?
I get this picture of two parts of your brain that are not talking to each other.
Part A is capable of being concerned about your daughter and wishing to express that concern better...
Part B is where the actions and feelings should be recognized by you... but they're not.

I believe you daughter will recognize your love for her if you do what Mish recommends... be involved in her daily life by feeding, cleaning, rocking, changing, reading or singing, etc.
Even if you are holding her and reading a book for yourself, out loud, she is getting the physical connection as well as feeling your body warmth, heartbeat, the sense of your voice, etc.
These small things will allow her to know her Dad, although they may not seem like much to you.

Do you ever like to dance around the house to certain music? If so, and you are not too wild about it , take your daughter into your arms and bring her along for the dance.

Over time, if you keep these sorts of connections with her, I would think that she will come to know you and understand that "Although Dad doesn't talk to me much or do some of the other things my friend's Dad do, I know he loves me very much!".

Also, don't think you have to turn yourself into some other kind of father. Just find ways to express your love for your daughter and be your genuine self. She'll probably grow up with such a wonderful sense of trust for you because you are not putting on a front which she might discover is false. As she gets into books, be sure to have some Aspie books around for her to learn more about you from.
She should learn that you are a normal human being. Think of all the families who have at least one member who is categorized as 'ret*d', 'mentally handicapped', etc., I have known these families and when that 'special' member was treated by the family as a normal member, but with special needs (for lack of a better way to express it right now), the issue of love and acceptance never seemed to be a problem.

You are different from a 'mentally handicapped' individual, at least from what I've seen here , but it's the same thing... families who accept every member as equal in the general sense, do quite well. Families who can't cope with a member's uniqueness have major problems.

Well, here I go again....

You can't "feel" anymore for her than you do now, sorry.

I know it, watched my father and most of my friends die horrible, painful deaths during high school.
Think of it as an advantage, the ability to make critical decisions, without emotional interferrence.

As for your baby girl. Keep straight, keep strong, and hope she's not afflicted with this condition herself.

My Dad, Father-in-law and husband have really become involved with the boys in the last couple of years now they're older.

I think for alot of money, a baby is not that interesting.

When she is older and you can kick a ball with her, play chess etc you'll feel more for her.

In the meantime, can you take her for a walk by yourselves everyday? Sometimes starting a routine that just involves you and your baby can help with bonding.

Helen

Watching things from a third person perspective vs. experiencing it first-hand limits one's ability to make a 100% valid judgement.

It doesn't matter if the child ends up having Asperger's or not. He can still grow to have a bond, the child is only a month old, even science proves that bonds between father and child take often longer to establish than that of mother and child whereas the mother is bonded to the child during pregnancy emotionally and physically.

He just needs to take time with his daughter, doing simple things and he'll feel closer to her in time. It's never an automatic bond. It took a while for the father of my two sons to feel close to his sons, it took him months before he'd start to help out doing things and he complained he didn't feel as close to the boys, until he really started to try to help out with their care and all and as soon as they were past the lay on the back stage and not really do much but sleep stage. Even their grandfather on both sides had a hard time becoming bonded to the boys till they were much older and could do something with them.

I've been where you are at. Frankly, for me it was simply an age/communication issue. As my kids got older, they all went from being almost completely attached to my wife to being much more comfortable around me. Late teenage kids (girls and boys) can't stand their mother but love their AS daddy. Younger kids need the softness and closeness of mum.

You are in for a treat, but you need to give it time. While you are waiting, babies are facinating to watch grow and explore the world. I have never seen a more perfect scientist than a baby or toddler.

Cheers,

--D

Like someone said, the fact that you are concerned about it makes you a compassionate person.

I am NT, but when my boys were born, I wasnt at all interested. I felt no love at all, they were strangers...I grew to love them. And if you start to hold her etc you will create the bond. She will know you love her. Don't worry about it, or analyse it too much.