Step Parenting an Aspie

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Hi ~ I am the mom of an 11-year old Aspie boy, Daniel. He was adopted from Romania when he was 2 1/2, and at the age of 4 he was diagnosed as being attachment disodered, at 5 he was diagnosed as bipolar and PDD NOS, and a whole gamut of other things. Now at 11, he's been diagnosed as an Aspie and PDD NOS. We've taken him off of all the meds he was on, and aside from a major meltdown at least once every weekend, he seems to be doing alright.

I was remarried last summer, and my new husband and Daniel do NOT hit it off very well. Dave (new husband) is great with Daniel in that he does things with him, and truly tries to be a good Dad. The problem is that Daniel will not let anyone else in his circle - and especially not Dave. This brings out a lot of oppositional behavior, inappropriate comments, and absolutely no reciprocal relating.

How do I help Dave understand that it's likely not personal, that Daniel's inability to let him "in" has more to do with being an aspie than with actually not liking him? How do I help him understand that Daniel doesn't like to play with other kids and would rather just play with his matchbox cars - and that that's OK? When Daniel is being mean to Dave and to me, how do I help Daniel understand how hurtful his behavior is? Last weekend he was so out of control with anger, and he kept screaming that he hates it here and he hates me and he hates Dave and we're always so mean to him.

It's been a tough two years, and frankly I'm starting to get a bit exhausted being the referee.

Thanks,

Connie

It's important that your husband researches and educates himself on aspergers sydrome,the more he knows the more he'll understand. Also your son needs to know he is not allowed to mistreat anyone...period. If he dosn't learn now, what are you going to do when he's older. In my area The San Diego Autism Society offers all kinds of help, look to see ifyou have one in your area, and have your husband and you get parenting advice. But any mistreatment by your son, then he should loose privledges.Be very clear what is allowed and what is not allowed.And if your son needs to take a break, then allow him to do so. Use as few words as possible, but let your son know why he can't behave in such a matter, be direct. Positive is good, and your husband seems willing to do this, but if he learns to understand your son better, then I think he'll know when to press forword, and when to step back.

Since when do kids have to like their parents? YOu can't force affection, that only backfires. Aspie insecurity and inflexibility and dislike of change and forced interaction with others certainly explains your son's behavior but lots of kids without any diagnosis would act the same way I think. ( I don't usually post in this forum but I have been a single parent for 18 years so I can relate.) Dave should relax. Daniel hates change. He's just about gotten used to you! Dave would do better not to expect warmth from this kid. He might get it sometime, but he might not get it until a few years after Daniel moves out. And that's normal. He can play a constructive role in Daniel's life by just being there, being calm and safe. A lot of times kids will be hard on the people who he counts on to be there. Later in life the kid will tell you how helpful you have been, how much he loves you. Aspie kids may take a little longer, but with any kid this can take a long time. Daniel needs to do something with his feelings, his anger at having to share you with someone else, his fear of being replaced. Dave should take a back seat til he has thoroughly learned how you communicate with this difficult kid who has been through so much. He should concentrate on giving you consistent support and let Daniel see through the way he treats him that he is fair and accepting but not a pushover. But not to force the kind of relationship that will grow with time once this basic security is established, which has to take time!! He should not invest himself in expecting affection from a kid who is going to be too angry to give it for a long time. That won't do the kid any good! If Dave would be more relaxed and be available to Daniel without expecting or needing anything from him, he will get better results. All that heavy emotional investment and expectation just feels like pressure to Daniel, and Daniel will either get angry and rebellious or fake the responses he is being pressured to provide. (and being a young aspie he will just have more trouble coming up with either the rebellious or the fake response in a controlled and appropriate way, but even a normal kid is not going to react well to this kind of pressure.

Hello,

I have 3 sons with AS - one of my sons is also Daniel. Great name!

Your husband needs to research AS himself. He needs to understand that change is difficult for Daniel. Also if Daniel is happy playing with matchbox cars - great! Just let him be. He doesn't need social contact in the way your husband does.

My Mum for years tried to force affection from our Daniel (before he was diagnosed and not understanding his behaviour). Now Mum just lets him be, and he has become affectionate towards my Mum.

Mum and Daniel like playing computer games together and going for walks with the dogs together.

We're going through managing an anger problem with our 9 year old son.

He's been having weekly psychology sessions at an Autism/Asperger's clinic for the last 12 weeks.

Have you tried social stories and comic book strips with your son? He needs to understand the effect his anger and words have on other people.

He needs to learn certain behaviours and not acceptable and come with consequences.

We are using a reward system with our son. He gets a tick on the calendar for everyday that he doesn't have an angry meltdown (swearing, hitting/kicking, growling at us and slamming the door). When he gets to 7 days he gets a reward.

But we had to have 3 months of intensive therapy to get to the stage that he can do this.

Helen

Perhaps you're right in that it will take time for all of this to settle out. My Mom used to get so mad at Daniel when he wouldn't act appropriately with her - wouldn't give her any eye contact, no hugs, pretty much no acknowledgement whatsoever. Now, though, (after 6 years of adjusting and learning that Daniel is not like her other 14 grandchildren) she accepts Daniel as he is, and enjoys the hugs when they come.

We see a psychologist every other week - unfortunately my ex-husband insists on going to all Daniel's appointments. He doesn't think Dave should be allowed any input on Daniel's therapy, and makes it quite uncomfortable for Dave to participate.

Dave and I talked about it this weekend, though, and we decided that we need to have our own appointments with Daniel and his psychologist - away from the antagonism posed by my ex husband.

So hopefully this will help to improve Dave's understanding of Aspergers and will give Daniel the extra reassurance that Dave really does care.

Thanks for your response!

Connie

[quote="Chammes"]

We see a psychologist every other week - unfortunately my ex-husband insists on going to all Daniel's appointments. He doesn't think Dave should be allowed any input on Daniel's therapy, and makes it quite uncomfortable for Dave to participate.

Dave and I talked about it this weekend, though, and we decided that we need to have our own appointments with Daniel and his psychologist - away from the antagonism posed by my ex husband.

Hmmm.... It's interesting to say the least that you didn't mention this little power struggle between the adults in Daniel's life in your first post! It's certainly a good thing for Daniel that his original adoptive father wants to maintain his involvement with him. A lot of men would simply abandon him with the dissolution of the marriage or with the arrival of a new husband. He will have to acknowledge a role for the man who is living with you of course! Perhaps you three should meet with the therapist a few times without Daniel to work out your own struggles so that Daniel doesn't have to end up in the middle of them. It sounds like there is plenty of antogonism to go around and all three of you need to grow up!

This would drive ANY kid nuts! Without Asperger's a "normal" kid would be better able to internalize his conflicts and "act normal" on the surface (with very bad consequences further down the road) but no kid should have to deal with this kind of behavior.

You shouldn't blame everything on the Asperger's! Look at your own problems too!

I have been remarried for five years. My son and my husband use to go to therapy sessions together once a week for several months. It really helped them to better understand each other. In the past they have been like oil and water, but as time passes and with the help of the therapist, it has been getting better.

"It sounds like there is plenty of antogonism to go around and all three of you need to grow up!"

I must admit this comment hurt my feelings. Daniel's Dad and I went to marriage counseling on and off throughout our 14 year marriage. He is generally incapable of being honest, and insists on being right at all costs. Thus, the marriage ended. Although I try to "get along", there are times when he makes it very difficult - for example, two weeks ago when Daniel had his Sunday Meltdown, Daniel called his Dad and begged him to come and get him. Daniel was an emotional wreck, and I took the phone away, telling his Dad I'd have Daniel call him back after he'd calmed down. Two minutes later (as Daniel is still screaming and crying) his Dad called back insisting he talk to him. When I repeated that I'd have him call after he'd calmed down, he threatened to call his attorney, and then threatened to call 911. That's the personality I'm dealing with.

I respect Daniel's loyalty to his Dad and do nothing to undermine that. All I'm asking is for Daniel to at least treat his step-dad respectfully.

I think the real problem is the attachment disorder. Is there a self-help group or a therapist led group for people with kids with attachment disorder in your town?
I don't know why it is, but everybody I've met who has a kid from Romania gets a lifetime of grief from the adoption.

[quote="Chammes"]"It sounds like there is plenty of antogonism to go around and all three of you need to grow up!"

I must admit this comment hurt my feelings. Daniel's Dad and I went to marriage counseling on and off throughout our 14 year marriage. He is generally incapable of being honest, and insists on being right at all costs.


That's a terrible way to be, isn't it? I hope you aren't like that too! And of course I have no way of knowing what you are really like.You don't need to justify yourself to me and I'm not even interested in taking sides between you and your ex-husband, oddly enough. Don't waste your time worrying about what I think of you!!

Sorry you're getting "hit" with the "grow up" comments. But I certainly feel that the adult arguing here is probably more responsible for the problems at home. And I will say that it's very hurtful to blame family problems on a child, when all along there something else lurking.
I know plenty of NT children of divorce and stepparents that go through the same problems. It's not an Aspie problem. Yes, NTs may be able to camoflauge their anger and confusion, but often not.
If your son is allowed to make phone calls, then you shouldn't try to control his contact with his dad. It will just make him paranoid and feel imprisoned. These issues need to come up in therapy. You should also find out if your ex is feeding dangerous information to your son about your husband. If he is sabotaging the household, then this needs to be discussed, maybe even in family court.

Forgive my defensiveness if that’s how it comes off. I just get tired of people blaming Daniel’s issues on me.

Daniel has undergone any diagnosis you can imagine - we started with attachment therapy, which I am very familiar with - and I understand with either the diagnosis of Attachment Disorder or Aspergers, that Daniel has difficulty forming attachment to people (things as well). My new husband doesn’t expect that Daniel will form a sincere love for him, but only that he be respectful.

Daniel is allowed to use the phone- but much like other privileges, he asks for that privilege. I’ve never told him no – but he knows the rule.

As far as the adult arguing being the core of the issue, and that all of our problems are being blamed on Daniel? Hardly.

I know that kids pay the price when parents divorce, and I have never placed Daniel in the middle. I’ve never fed him information to sabotage his Dad’s household, and when Daniel talks condescendingly of his Dad I try to explain his behavior rationally. A year and a half ago, Daniel was acting up in school and so we sought the help of a counselor. After four months of counseling, the counselor suggested that Daniel’s Dad and I seek counseling to resolve our relationship issues. Yeah- like that was going to happen. As I said in one of the earlier posts, he’s incapable of being honest and that makes progress in counseling impossible.

For example – when Daniel is at his Dad’s, he goes to bed at 9:00 or oftentimes 10. Daniel’s psychiatrist strongly suggested that he be in bed at 8:00 because without the meds he used to be on, he requires more sleep. At my house, he’s in bed at 8:00. In our sessions with Daniel’s psychologist, Dad states that he goes to bed at 8:00. At outright lie. When the psychologist asks how the week went, his Dad will say it was excellent, and Daniel was good all week….and as the session goes on, Daniel tells us of the meltdowns, the tantrums, and the arguments. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I know that Daniel would be better off in a situation where he didn’t have to go from my house one week to his Dad’s the other week. And sometimes I think about letting him go to live with his Dad just to add some normalcy to his life (because Lord knows his Dad would never consider letting me have him)….It’s tough enough being a child of divorce, let alone being an Aspie child of divorce.

The answers aren’t clear….and so I just keep on doing what I’m doing, and praying for guidance and patience. I think the key is for all parties involved to have a better understanding of Aspergers - and that is something we all can do.

I'm not doubting your son's diagnosis. What I said is that your described problem is not an Aspie one. It's a divorce/stepparenting problem, that is very common.
"Respect" is an abstract concept and without knowing more info, we don't know if Daniel lacks the social skills to express "respect" or if it's something else. People attach have all sorts of expectations and call them "love" "respect" "reverence" "gratitude".
At 11, he should know better than to interupt conversations, don't yell in the house, don't hit, use please and thank you. Things like that.
No one is blaming you, solely, for Daniel's "problems". But just look at the words you choose and how you frame the conflicts. And you are calling this an Aspie problem. He may be very aware of this and is resentful that he is being blamed.
It's your house, but I don't agree that an 11 year old be required to ask permission to call his father. You say you never told him no, but in the previous post you said you took the phone away from him.

Has any counselor had any suggestions about your ex's dishonesty? I mean, doesn't he know he's sabotaging any therapy your son is getting? Why would he have any power advantage in a custody battle? Sounds like there is way more to the story.

I think you have a "blended family" issue here, and perhaps your ex is saying or doing things that interfere with Daniel's ability to bond with his stepdad.

I'm the mom of a 24-yr old Aspie and a 22 yr old NT. I divorced their dad 10 yrs ago. they have a stepmom who's great and a stepdad who's great. Everybody gets along very well.

I am also the stepmom of 2 NT girls. The girls have never bonded with me (after 6 years). Their mom is very resentful and disrespectful of me and my family. If mom can't accept me as family, neither can the kids. The kids feel they are disloyal to their mom if they have a relationship with me.

My Aspie son does fine with his stepdad because his dad does fine with stepdad. Dad and stepdad can drink beer and talk about cars together.

I think it's great that you and your husband are going to the therapist. You might want to talk to the therapist about working on dad's attitude and helping dad to understand that it is in your son's best interest if stepdad is accepted. If that doesn't work, you might want to talk to your lawyer about pressuring dad to behave in Daniel's best interests.

I hope everything works out for your family.

Jackie

For me, I think the toughest part about parenting an Aspie child and having him be the "only" child in the family is knowing what behavior is attributed to just being a kid and what is driven by aspergers.

Thanks to all of you for your advice.

Connie

I can sympathize with this notion. My only child has AS, so it's really difficult to sometimes know which behaviors are AS specific, just regular child behaviors, or even in your son's case may be puberty related.