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My husband's son from a previous relationship is Autistic. Before his 17th birthday he became extremely aggressive to my husband. He went so far as to choke his father, who is disabled, and he also tried to burn down the house. He wound up being put on probation. By the time he graduated from high school, he had finished probation and was released. Ever since he has been aggressive towards his father still. And as the time goes by, it is getting worse. It is now to the point that he is stealing thousands of dollars from his father's credit cards. He then denies it and starts an argument. Every time we try to talk to him, he refuses to listen and starts yelling at us. He spends all his time on his computer playing games and on his phone, with god only knows. He won't take his meds most of the time. Last night he went through our drawers in the bed room, while we were sleeping. When he couldn't find a credit card to use, he went ballistic and punched a hole in the wall in the bathroom as well as tearing things apart in the bathroom. We don't know what else to do. We have tried what we could without him becoming violent towards us.

Please help. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Scared step mom.

Does his mom have any involvement in his life?

It used to be that children who did not learn to develop self discipline at home, could find it imposed on them in the Army. Failing this, many learn some degree of discipline in prison. It sounds like he is not open to what corrective steps he might take. This trajectory usually results in incarceration.

Are there any options of some sort of government group housing with adult supervision for people like him where you live?

I have no idea if anything like that exists anywhere.

The only thing I can think of that's a sure thing is that you have the option of evicting him from your home and filing for some sort of protective restraint order that prevents him from coming to your home, contacting either of you, communicating with you directly or indirectly through others etc.

Then its his problem where he goes and where he lives. If he can't work and provide for himself, then he'll have to discuss welfare/disability options with some sort of advocate or government agency and find himself a room to rent somewhere and then behave himself well enough to keep from being evicted or jailed.

Other than that I don't really see other viable options.. either you tolerate him in your home, his behaviour, his theft, his violence etc Or you tell him to gtfo and get legal orders in place to enforce it and then let him sort his own self imposed problems out and figure out where he's going to lay his head and how he's going to get his next meal. Might be a difficult thing to do, emotionally, but if he's aggressive, violent, stealing, defiant and all the other things you describe and he was My kid I'd be forced into a position of making that sort of decision and then hoping he gets the help he needs to keep himself out of jail. I'd at least then be able to carry on without his aggression, property damage, theft and all the rest. Just because someone is blood related doesn't mean you have to put up with that kind of s**t from them.

I would make sure your stepson knows that big feelings are allowed and find ways to express them in a less hurtful way. I would look with him at what the triggers are. Is his dad saying something? If this is not your area of expertise, I suggest you find an outpatient intensive therapy program. I am Autistic and although I appear as the "sweet, young thing" in the past I have kicked holes in walls, spit in a parent's face and shook my partner - when I needed understanding and support and instead they continued to misunderstand, criticism and ridicule me. I've since learned to hold my impulses and then stare daggers and spit with my words. I still have very big feelings and try to channel the positive aspects of that and mitigate the negative aspects.

BTW - We had a "line-of-sight" destructive foster child (ADHD, PTSD, unmedicated); with plenty of understanding , compassion and praise aside reasonable limits, he channeled his big feelings and impulses into less destructive outbursts (moving furniture, tearing apart empty notebooks).

It is not ok for your stepson to hurt your husband. I suspect he knows that - so what's triggering that impluse?

Put a keyed lock on your bedroom door.
Install home cameras in the house.
Call the police.


*Sadly, where I live it's not a crime to steal from people who live in the same home.
I hope it's not the same where you are.
If so, make it so he no longer lives in your home.

Is autism really the main cause to all of his problems? What kind of medication is he (not) taking?

Good point. My Autism lends itself to the many misunderstandings. My ADHD more so leant itself to frustration and overwhelm manifesting as holes in the wall.

In my area there are DBT therapy and intensive anxiety workshops for teenagers to manage big feelings without hurting themselves or others. I can't wait until my son is old enough to attend! He internalizes his upset which is a scary problem in a different way.

He doesn't have Autism but he got my huge feelings and expressiveness. My daughter got my Autism with my husband's inexpressiveness - so if anyone is going to put a hole in the wall, it would be her partner (frustrated by her seemingly cold-hearted accusations), not her. LOL-cry. A mistake or two is allowed, but that's it. I drew the line with myself and would with spouse and child alike.

The first step is to generally identify if there is any interest in self improvement. If your step son, is as you say very voilent and always trying to find money, it sounds like he is likely addicted to some online game, porn, gambling and accompanying that, some ocd as well. He also probrably has some intermetiant explosive personality disorder, and unfortunately these circumstances are very difficult to navigate, mostly because there is no avenue for your son to do anything else. Punishing him via internment may not also solve your problem, as this would just push his problems down, or create ptsds. Generally the only way out is if he is interested in something productively, i.e making a living, or he is incarcerated, which would traumatize him to change.

Generally this is a very toxic circumstance, it would infact be useful if either you or your husband tried to learn and engage in his less destructive interests (whatever they may be) and ask him to pursue them as a means of opposing other vices, generally it seems he has no impulse control, nothing to live for. Placement in a long term psychiatric ward may be something to think about, depending on where you live and whether it is subsidized by the state.