Grandparents

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Wow, what a weekend. We stayed with my parents for the weekend because of an engagement party we had. We also went to a BDay party for a young family friend. This party had a moon bounce and my son loves moon bounces. My parents came with us and I'll let you know right now that they are in a big state of denial.

My wife and I redirected our son multiple times with breaks becasue of him being overstimulated. My mom would get upset at us and kep telling us the we need to stop and let him be. We can plainly see how the other children were not playing with him so we would redirect. My mom believes that because of his high intelligence, that he is "normal". She keeps denying that he has Aspergers.

To make the long story short, we had a falling out. Non of our family on my side knows of his diagnonsis because my parents feel it would looked upon badly. Christian, my son is the first grandchild. We are advocates of awareness and letting everyone know of him having Aspergers. So you can just imagine how heated our discussion got. My wife and I mentioned that unless they come to terms with Christian's diagnosis, we'll grow further apart. They did not take this too well. The interpretted this as us kicking them out of our lives. This is not the case, we only want them to accept our son for who he is vs who they believe him to be, "Normal". My mom keeps saying that my wife and I are the ones who need Therapy.

They have to understand the reason why our son academically is at second grade level only being in Kindergarden. It's because of his aspergers.

Please give me advice. Were we wrong?

Rich
Chrisitians Dad

Were they like this with you when you were growing up? Geez.
There's a couple facets to your problem. One is you wanting to convince them Christian is an Aspie. Well, that you can give up.

2)Then you want to disclose Christian's Aspie dx with other family members. That's your business, not Granny's and Grampy's.

3)Your parenting style. It is your responsibility to help your son when he has special sensory needs. That's your job and your specialty. It's the Grandparents' specialty to spoil kids and love them. You can phrase things like, "he's not in trouble, I just don't want him to get overloaded". "I've seen him get overloaded from this activity before".

I will say that my son acts totally different with my relatives. He is calm, engaging and charming. He follows directions and minds his Ps and Qs. So, I step back and enjoy the show. Because he's totally different at home.

It really sounds like your parents are doing a mindjob over you. Wanting it their way and then turning it around to say that you are pushing them out. I wouldn't make their acceptance of his dx as a condition. But I would make their acceptance your parenting style as an absolute condition. That's just too serious if you're going to be around them much. They can't interfere with that.

I have similar issues. Our daughter has what I'll call a "preliminary" AS diagnosis, we're having the formal evaluation in a week. When I try to explain this to the family, in terms of the road we're taking to obtain a diagnosis, everyone keeps disagreeing. So far I've heard:

From my mother-in-law, "I don't think she's ret*d. She's not autistic."

From my sister, "I dunno, the whole autism thing, it's like ADHD, overdiagnosed and I don't think they know what they're talking about.

From my father, "No, those kids are just fine."

And so it goes. More of the same from everyone. Do they think this is making me feel better? Are they living in denial? Do they think I am an idiot? I don't know, but what I do know is I have AS and I recognize the signs. Of course, they won't admit (save for my mother) that I have it either.

Wow, that sounds VERY familiar to me too! Why do they find it so hard? It's not some horrible stigma, all it is is a diagnosis that gives us all greater insight on how he sees the world and how best to help him through the tough stuff, so that *everyone* who has a big role in his life can readjust a little (or for us, the parents, a great deal).

My mom (and mother in law too, to a lesser extent) seem to accept the diagnosis, but they do NOT understand the adjustments we need to make in how we react to his behaviors and such.

Now, if my son was only seeing them very irregularly, I'd probably let off slack a little and let them just spoil away, but because they do see each other for sleepovers and such a lot, that does mean I expect them to adjust their behaviors; if they don't, we have a major transitioning and consistency problem. For a NT that might be OK (my youngest is fine with that, thus far). But my 6 year old *needs* consistency.

When they dismiss some of his behaviors as "normal boy stuff", the danger there is that their reactions to his behavior set off bad precedents, and confusion for him as to what the rules are. For example, my mom lets him jump all over her in a very spazzy way. She says "that's OK here". Well, that's all fine and well, but my son does NOT make the distinction. Maybe he will figure that out, but for right now it's causing problems in other social settings, and we need to adjust our reactions to that kind of behavior to help him figure out where it's appropriate, and where it's not.

Phew, sorry about that, hehe; I just went off there (well ok partly to get it off my chest) because this is the kind of stuff that makes that attitude ("boys will be boys") dangerous.

Mine too! It's been a year since the original "diagnosis", although it was by a pediatrician...Mind you, it is a top of the line DAN type pediatrician...There wasn't a thing she did NOT know about autism. When I hear of parents going to a pediatrician or other doctor and the doctor not giving them a manual with what to do next, I can't imagine their frustration...

Anyway, we did get the "official" diagnosis from not one, but TWO developmental pediatricians...one very well known for treating children with autism were we live...To this day, I have shown my mother the diagnosis papers, I have shown her the allergy tests results papers, you name it...and just the other day she AGAIN made the comment..."well, I know we'll probably just argue again, but he's going to do more than you expect him to and blow your mind because he really does NOT have autism..."....argh$#%$#%$# I just literally told her she didn't get it, once again, for the 100th time and hung up...My dad MIGHT be getting it...he watched the Jenny McCarthy Larry King show and seemed to think that yes, indeed something is going on...He was actually the one who prompted us to check him out at the age of 4 for not speaking...(we were worried before but doctors kept giving us BS lines)...

Anyway, I don't think you are alone...We are at the end of our rope and have sadly begun to stay away...We have done the same with re-directing because of other kids...Actually, last time my parents were here we did NOT take our son to my cousin's little boy (7) birthday party because when he does see him the little boy is VERY rude to him and makes not so nice comments...much less does he actually play with him...so, my mom made a big fuss about it too...hmmm...

Anyway, good luck...as our geneticist told us (great guy too...geez! we are very lucky and rather cheap in comparison to the US doctors), "It's YOUR child...if grandma and grandpa can't do what YOU say needs to be done, then that's on them and you need to protect YOUR child..."

We are in that mess right now...we NEVER get any time off...we have no family nearby and are with our son 24/7...not a dinner out alone, nothing...so we were hoping to go on a cruise in January, but the only person that would keep our kiddo is my mother and I am dreading it because since she does NOT believe he has allergies, autism, etc...she completely ignores our guidelines for his diet, etc...so we are stuck between being worn out and needing a break, our son actually wanting to go see his grandma (he adores her...hmmm) and looking out for him and not allowing her to keep him...

It is a sad day when our own parents put us in this situation...but again, I think this happens VERY often...sad, but true.

How long is this cruise? How dangerous would it be for your daughter to be off her routine for a brief period and would it be possible for you to reestablish routine and and discipline in a reasonable time frame? Do you think the "damage" caused by allowing your parents to care for her for a brief time would be worth the lesson they might learn by having to care for your child 24/7 for a slightly extended period?

You and your husband do need a break, for both yourselves and your child. If the benefits outweigh the risks you should consider letting you parents care for her briefly. Leave them reading material regarding her special needs and contact numbers for her doctors and therapists and authorization for them to recieve information and provide emergency care needed and take the cruise.

I have often suggested to people who question our parenting techniques that they "borrow" Z for a week or so. Have not had many takers on that proposition. Without being able to call on you to come and get your daughter if problems arise they may come to understand there is more going on than they think. Discuss it with her doctors first and see if they think it might be a viable idea. You do need some respite to restore your energy and sense of perspective, and, face it your daughter can benefit from a break from you also.

Good luck, I hope all turns out well.

Actually, I agree with what you are saying...we actually have done that because we do believe that it's good for all of us, however, last time we visited we got a HORRIBLE scare...as we drove like nuts to the ER, my kiddo kept saying "oh mamma, oh mamma" because he couldn't breathe....It was the worst day of my life...He had a major asthma attack...because he IS allergic to milk/dairy, but my parents think it won't harm him to have it...So sure enough, just ONE NIGHT we went out alone, they gave him milk, cheese omelett and by the next day he had a runny nose, slight cough...by that evening, he already had a major asthma attack...It was horrible...

I just don't know that I can trust them at this point...Even with THAT scare, where I told my mother it was HER fault for giving him that stuff, etc...when they came over a few weeks ago, once again, she allowed him to have milk...I have shown them the allergy test results, and she STILL thinks I'm crazy...I don't know that my son's life is worth my crazy mother who wants to do whatever she feels like doing...you know?

This is a really sensitive topic, but I'll tell you what worked for me and you can see if it applies to you.

I think most people are really frightened when they hear "autism". And I think as parents we have had time to deal with that word and the implications and because we deal with it day-in and day-out, we have to accelerate our grieving process.

Grandparents only get a snapshot. So they only get the behaviors and the diet in certain little doses. So they stay in denial a LOT longer.

It's time to give them some information they can process at their own speed. Give them some written info. Tell them you love them and know they want the best for Christian, but that they really must listen to you.

Remind them that no one wants to "label" a child, and you are not seeking the label just to have it. But Christian is what he is, and that is a super-intelligent, fun kid with a neurological difference. He has social difficulties that must be managed.

Then let them take some time to process. Over that time, they will see it more, because it isn't going away. Also, sometimes the differences are more apparent as they get a little older.

I can really relate to this thread, although I have the opposite problem with my parents. My parents acknowledge that my son has AS, and want to stuff him in a box and not let him grow and develop.

I agree with cartersmom, offer some educational material so they can read more about the subject. Explain what you want and why you are doing things. And see if that doesn't help. If it doesn't, then maybe distancing yourself a little will help some.

I may not be the best person to offer advice since I have a very stormy relationship with my parents, and we could never agree on what's best for my son. My mom didn't help matters by focusing only on the thing he couldn't do, versus the things he did very well with. She reminded him constantly of his faults, and hearing that so much really took a toll on his self esteem.

You have to consider what's best for Christian and do what feels right. If telling other family members would be helpful, especially those you are particularly close to, I would tell them, no matter what your parents think.

Sorry, I'm not much help.