What would have helped me as an Aspie child

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I'm not a parent, just a 61-year-old man with AS. But once upon a time I was an aspie kid, long before we knew about AS. I know I was a difficult and frustrating child for my parents. They were never able to help me. But in retrospect there are two things my father could have done that would have made a huge difference in my life.

My father was a boxer at Annapolis in the late '30's; he knew how to fight. Yet he never taught me anything about defending myself. To this day I don't know how to throw a punch. Now, I didn't want to learn how to fight, of course, but he should have made me do it. Not being afraid of the inevitable bullies would have made such a difference in my confidence, and would have saved me so much misery.

He also was a licensed Ham (Amateur) Radio operator, a skill he had kept polished on ship during WWII, though not active. Yet I didn't find out about Ham Radio until I was 30. If only he had introduced me to this wonderful hobby, I would have had a way to talk to strangers all over the world, without worrying about eye contact, how to act, or any of that stuff. I took naturally to morse code, and would have done so even more easily as a child. This hobby has so many positive things for the Aspie kid, I highly recommend it

What would have helped me is a categories list of what's OK and what's not OK to do in school. I'm NOT talking about school rules; I'm talking about interactions with other students. For instance, saying hi to your classmates is "always OK"; offering to tell a joke is "OK up to a limit"; disagreeing with the popular opinion is "rarely OK", and talking about intellectual stuff is "never OK". A series of different things I did in school as a kid would fit under each category. I would study the list every night, along with my schoolwork, and act accordingly.

I think that knowing I'm not the only one would have helped a lot - and I would have liked some assistance choosing a career . . . I got into psychology and sociology because it taught me the rules of life - but I can't really use it becasuse I just want to observe people not interact with them . . . so I have a lot of education and a low paying job . . .
But I can't describe the difference in my life if I had known that I had a neurological difference and wasn't just a wicked, evil person . . .

I really don't think anyone could have helped me because I didn't like people, not even my own family. I did not like it when people spoke to me or tried to get me to speak to them. I never wanted to leave our home and school was very stressful, but I silently went along with whatever I thought it was that I was supposed to do. Because of the communication barrier, I think the only thing that helped me was the school of hard knocks. I did not even appreciate people who took a special interest in me. I guess I was totally unresponsive.

This is really long, but it brought back a LOT of memories. I should disclaim I am not 100% sure if I have AS or not (the menu setting on the profile accurately reports me as a "Not sure if I have it")...I seem to not have a lot of the problems associated with it now, but when I was a kid I was a lot more aspieish than I am now, and had a LOT of AS traits...and, from what I'm reading here, lived much of the AS life.

That said, some things that would have been wonderful when I was little:

-Parents letting me pursue my activities. Not force me into summer camps, music lessons or swimming just because Mom and Dad think it would be nice, or because that's what every other Mom and Dad on the block is putting their kids into. I'd even say don't even make me "just try" them because "just try" does not consist of a lesson or two, it consists of 6 months to a year of being forced to do something I hated every minute of, and never "came around to liking" later on. The extracurricular activities I enjoyed in elementary, middle and high schools, and now college, are the ones which I picked on my own. But, especially in the earlier years, I wanted time to myself.

-Understand my interests more, and that they make me different (especially around the holidays and birthday time). My lifelong interest has been rail and transit transportation. Mom and Dad got a lot of nice material toys for me when I was little for Christmas, but then would pile me into the backseat for a 9 hour trek to Grandma's. The trip was misery, and I had fits accordingly. The car we were in, a late 1980s Toyota, made me nauseous (guess this would be a sensory issue for me?). At first, my parents attributed the nauseousness to my fits, and it wasn't until college, when I rode in a friend's similar car, that I learned it was actually the CAR that made me sick. I'd whine that I wished we had taken the train or bus, and they'd tell me they had to drive "to save money." Oh, what I would've given to have traded those Christmas presents they spent so much on just days before for a train ticket to Grandma's! (Ironically, as an aside, the Amtrak fare on the train from my house to Grandma's back then was actually 15% less than Greyhound, which is saying something, given Greyhound often advertises that they're cheaper than driving).

-Telling me about things as they happen and are relevant, none of this "I'll tell him later when he's old enough" crap. AS OR NT, Do you know what it's like to be 8 years old, and suddenly notice your folks are on the phone with relatives constantly, using big words you don't know? And for them to NOT tell you what's going on? Only learning much later your grandfather was diagnosed with advanced stage lung cancer? How about hearing the phone ring, hearing your Mom get into a long conversation with another PTA Mom about your 4th grade teacher, refusing to tell what just happened, then having to learn the next week in class that this teacher had been arrested for cocaine? Or being told about the Birds and the Bees so late your first reaction is "So THAT'S what they've been calling me in school and summer camp for the past 2 years!" How about being in college, and not learning that the landlord is selling the house you grew up in until some arbitrary time afterwards when Mom "felt like" telling, then saying she intentionally waited because she didn't "want me to be worried during finals" ? All that did was make me worried that the next time something important would happen in life, I wouldn't be told because of some abstract emotional construct Mom would make up in her head. I love my folks beyond any comprehension, and they love me. I've never been diagnosed, but if I were, and if my folks were to only tell me years later, because they "felt I wasn't ready for it" when the diagnosis actually came down, it would be really, really hard for me to ever forgive them for that. I don't know about everyone else, but if I had to choose between not knowing something, and knowing and getting nightmares and scared by and having questions about it, I'd want to know, every time. I will agree with the parents who do hide stuff from their kids that, if it's something big and possibly scary, putting it into a less frightening context would be a good idea for a little kid. But that's about the extent of it.

There are some more things, but they're not actual trends which happened a lot during childhood, they were individual situations in which I had wished they had acted differently. Each of these may sound substantial, but they were one-time events which were not a trend in Mom and Dad's parenting:
-The time parents threw me in the car to go on a multi-day, multi-state sightseeing trip with relatives from another country on 15 minutes' notice (AS trait = like to know what's going to happen ASAP when there's a change to routine).
-The time parents got mad at me for not intuitively knowing what they wanted me to do in a situation.

I should point out that I love my parents, and they love me. While we have our moments, the simple fact that the only things I really wish my parents could've done differently is three items long (along with some minor, one-time-event type stuff), I think attests to that. I couldn't have asked for two better parents. They have been there through my moments, through my fits, but also my best moments. They have given me more support than most other parents I've seen/heard give their own kids, and it's really meant a lot. There are countless examples, but let's see, one or two--when I was little, they let me do my homework after dinner when other parents would force their kids to do it right after school. They let me watch the 4 hours of TV in the afternoon I really wanted to watch instead. They even, on occasion, let me have dessert before dinner a time or two. And they saw that it wasn't being ignored, that I wasn't taking the nice things they did and running like some spoiled kid--I wasn't slacking in school or not finishing dinner. It's weird, and I know I'm going on a tangent here, but being able to get those relatively minor things my way when I was little I actually think was a big part behind me being motivated to work hard to get straight As in school, and stay out of trouble, despite constant bullying--I don't know if I'd have been able to have done it any other way (my parents experimented with taking these things away, like me doing homework right when I got back from school and what not, and found letting me stick to my rigid routine of after dinner worked best). And they did this without any knowledge of what AS was until I was halfway through college. G-D BLESS THEM!

And about those train rides vs. car trips I mentioned...In a few short hours, I head back for my final semester in college, on a route where many of those miserable car trips occurred. Except now that I'm independent enough to travel on my own (and make my own money over the summers and what not), I get to do it from the comfy seat of an Amtrak coach . Actually, that's kinda relevant, because I think a really, really great moment in my relationship with my parents occurred when I became old enough to do things like travel on my own, and my folks got to see that I did NOT grow out of these things I'd complain about as a kid--that, even now, as a (albiet young) adult, I still feel the same way about some of these things (like my passion for rail), and that, when I was whining as a kid, it wasn't just some superficial greedy "OMGGimmethat!!!1", but something deeper.

There's a Catch-22 for you, though. If they had let you sit in your room all summer long instead of sending you to camp where you had to put up with all those other kids, do you really think you would be a lot less aspieish now? My parents did the same thing as yours - I was enrolled in every youth group they could find, sent to every summer camp they knew about, and taught musical instruments, etc. For some of the early stuff I was so passively detached it made no difference to me where I was or what the people were doing around me. The later ones forced me to learn how to be social, and helped me develop the coping skills that have made me a successful and independent adult. I had an aspie friend when I was young. Every summer I would go away to camp and he would stay home with his family and read books or listen to the radio all day. Now he's on welfare and essentially unable to take care of himself because he never needed to learn how.

I'm not talking about getting out of the house/extracurriculars in general with that, I'm talking about what activities I would be doing when out of the house. The BIG leaps and bounds of my social development occurred in college, where I was picking my own activities. The things my parents force-fed me into really didn't do much to make me the way I am now at all. In fact, I was probably a burden on them with my lack of interest. It wasn't that I didnt want to do anything, it was that I really didn't want to do the things my folks thought would be good for me so they forced me into. There were things I wanted to do, and so I did get out of the house.

I think that it would have helped me, if my Parents would have given me 30 Minutes, each day to talk about my Obsessions, and get it out of my System. Instead, they've expressed anger, if I brought them up at any point, during the Day.

I wish that my Parents would have put me into Brownies and Girl Guides. I would have learned to socialise properly, at a younger age. Instead, they've made the decision not to enroll me, because they thought that I wouldn't be into Social Activities. Now I experience Social Blunders at the Age of 31, that I wouldn't otherwise, if I was socialised at the proper age.

I think that it would have helped me, if my Mom didn't help me with my Homework, so much. A lot of that stuff was stuff that I was able to do without that extra "Help". Now the only time I like to hear that word, is when it's used in reference to The Beatles. I was convinced that I was Mentally Challenged, when I was being "helped". I would have prefered if my Mom would have stayed around, in case I needed help.

I wish that my Parents, especially my Father would have realized that not everybody who speaks at a normal speed is meant to sound like everybody else. I wish that my Parents would have appreciated my Cockney Accent, instead of corceing me into sounding like the Locals of South Western British Columbia, which didn't work anyways, so screw that shallow idea. My heart beams with Pride, every time that Cashiers call me a Little Cockney, to each other, behind my Back. It's a sign that I still sound like I did, when I was Twelve!

I think that it would have done me a lot of good for me to know about my Disorder, before I've started High School. I wouldn't have made up stupid little 60s type Dance Moves. I wouldn't have gone into monolouges about The Beatles, and I would have been able to look the Bullies in their eyes and say, "I have Autism! Leave me alone!"

That's all, folks.

I don't blame my parents. I was, and probably still am, an extremely difficult person to show affection toward. But if they had shown more, I might have felt better. Even if I didn't deserve it, sitting on my ass all day, staring at the washing machine spinning around while daydreaming about stuff.

I didn't have Aspergers particularly severely compared to a lot of the people on this forum, so I never had to deal with extreme discomfort in social situations and the agorophobia that accompanies Aspergers. What would have helped me more than anything, was to know that I had Aspergers, rather than that I was just "put together wrong".

My dad had a twin brother who became a worthless drunk, and I thought for most of my life I had inherited his "worthless gene".

I also remember watching a television commercial where they talked about a local high school athlete, and their spiel ran through all these qualities these people had, one of which was ambition. Those commercials enraged me, because I was unable to comprehend ambition. I alternately thought it was a useless, pointless, meaningless concept along the lines of pseudo-intellectualism and despised anyone who had any ambition to do anything, and thought that the thing that seperated me from all other people was my complete lack of it, and had no idea why I lacked what everyone else had... again see the worthless gene thing.

When I was younger, I was so literal that I failed to communicate effectively what I was saying. And also because of the Aspergers, I saw no gray areas... if I told my parents a story about something bad that happened and they didn't fly into a rage and go deal with it angrily and immediately, I thought they had sided with the other people against me. Example - an otherwise wonderful teacher used to tell the class to laugh at me when I got an answer wrong. Apparently she thought it was a funny joke, because I was so rarely wrong... she did it in front of my mother once, and then smiled at her. She thought it was a nice compliment for some reason. Anyway, when it started happening I told my mother that "Everyone laughed at me". She figured I just meant all the kids when I said everyone... it didn't occur to me that the teacher encouraging it was unusual enough that I should specifically point that fact out.

When I was in elementary school I joined a track team. The assistant coach abused all the kids on the team, and because he didn't actually work for the school but only for the head coach (His father), he couldn't be disciplined. I tried to tell my mom that this guy pinched me until I bled and twisted my arm. But because she didn't leap to her feet, scream "how dare he" and drive immediately down there and fight with him, I thought she had sided with him against me. She wanted more information... but since I thought she had sided against me I quit talking about it, so she thought nothing was happening anymore. It ended with me hating track because of this guy, and skipping all my practices by hiding in the woods.

By the time I reached high school I didn't have many of the people problems some aspies did, but I was always missing social cues... not badly enough to make me an outcast, but to make people look at me funny. Even though I got along and was relatively popular, I still felt like everyone else shared a connection that I didn't. And I still never picked up on unspoken rules... my first job was on a floor stripping and waxing crew. My foreman told me to take a hand trowel and scrape loose wax from along "That wall *point*.". So I did it with that wall. Leaving the other walls because I hadn't been told to do them. He thought I was deliberately refusing to work, and tried to get me to quit by harassing me constantly... he wasn't allowed to fire me at first but he finally got to because I flipped him off and walked out of the job halfway through.

Now that I know about Aspergers, when I run into these situations, I just calm myself down, then step back and look at what's going on. It works well. To think how well I might have turned out if I'd known about how to do that in the first place...

as of now I am 16 and have compiled a short list in my head
Tell me exactly what I am and am not allowed to do in what situation. Also me not knowing what was appropriate to say and waht wasnt has and does get me beatin up, made fun of, and yelled at.
Explained AS to me. I found out at 11 when a social worker said what i have is "kind of like rainman" and than not fully explaining it to me until the 4th time i was diagnosed at 15. I cant deal with somthing I do not know excists.
Allow my AS traits to go without yelling. Every time I do not watch my tone or do not do anything social (having no friends) I get screamed at for not helping myself.
Allow me to make decisions. I hate my plans being cut off with a simple "thats not the best choice for you" its not right for me. I hate work and I hate success. Why wont they allow that to be in concideration.
Not have wasted my time on meaningless structure (camp, sports, scouts,etc...) all of it is meaningless BS intended to relax the NT mind. why dont they just send me off to practice being bullied and sad and lonely?

I'm a 45 year old Aspie.

What would have helped me the most as a child is having genuine parents.

Mine were very phoney people who put on airs and only cared how things looked. They grinned and smiled and shook hands and laughed and I always thought "Oh this person is my dad's best friend" but as soon as the person was out of earshot my dad would rip him to pieces saying how much he hated that guy. I never got over that shock even when I saw it thousands of times.

The fake behavior I was taught multiplied my own confusion about social matters like you would not believe.

Then my mom and dad also hated each other and had knock down/drag out fights where they actually hit each other and the police had to be called at times. But they took pains to appear to the outside world as this close, loving couple and they would not divorce.

Add to that the fact that they both beat up all of us kids on a regular basis, and my dad drank way too much - well it was a mess.

It was a bad situation for any kid, but for an Aspie it was the twilight zone.

I hear and read about parents going to all these great lengths to get help and counseling and medication and training, etc for their Aspie kids. I think that may be nice, but it seems it's the other end of the extreme. The truth lies in the middle - if you can provide love and acceptance and a STABLE home for your Aspie kid, you have done a good job.

:> earthmom

It would have helped me tremendously to be told the truth in any given situation. 'nuff said.

So I'm reading this and as a parent I'm getting two different messages. The first is from people with AS who say, (paraphrasing) "my parents should've left me alone to be myself" and other people are saying, "I'm glad my parents forced me to do certain things because its helped me learn to be more socially mature"

I guess what I'm going to do for my 15 yr old girl is possibly apply a little bit from each philosophy. Maybe leave her alone to be who she is, but at the same time her mom and I need to continue to forcibly teach our daughter social cues.

I think it is nice pointer for us. As the mother of a ten year old child I can take what I know of his character and take what I have read here and use some common sense. there are certain things that I know my son would not like. and certain things that I know he would be open to.
eromi

I think it would have been nice to have been perceived and accepted for who and what I was, instead of being punished. Or, if people would have asked "why" now and then. And actually listened to the answer.

On my first day of school at age 5, where I was terrified because I didn't know anyone or any of the routines, or where anything in the building was, the teacher had us come to a table. On the table were cards with our names on them. We were instructed to find the card with our name on it, take it, and find a seat at one of the desks. There were probably about 25 other kids in there jostling and pushing - I tried, but it was pure torture to be in the middle of it. So, knowing even at 5 that after everyone got their cards mine would be left, and to avoid the elbowing and close contact, I hung back. The teacher asked me why I wasn't following the instructions. I remember answering "because I don't want to" which was incredibly hard for me to do, as I was afraid of her (she was a stranger). I was punished for that.

If the teacher had asked "why" just once more that day, "why didn't I want to?" things would have been so different. I would have told her that I didn't like the crowd and that the card would be there by itself in a moment, anyway. But she didn't. I was just made an example of someone who was "naughty."

I am the mother of a daughter who has quite definite Aspie tendencies. The kid didn't come with an owner's manual. So, I had to try to remember what people were like when I was little, and not do what the painful ones did, and tried to do what my grandmother, who accepted me for who I was no-questions-asked, did. When my daughter would say something like I'd said as a kindergartener, I would ask further "why?" When she's upset about something now, I ask "why?" and then I listen to her. That's really important. Listening. And asking "why" at the right points so she would figure out exactly what it was that WAS the problem. And what the options were/are.

I hope I did enough. And I hope her memories of her childhood are not like the ones I carry around. I guess, my message to the parents of an Aspie would be, Really Pay Attention. And don't try to make your kid into someone they are not. Just let them be, and make the modifications that you can for them so they can have a safe place to grow and, hopefully, learn how to get by in life. Listen to them. Ask them. Love them.

Last edited by Nan on 17 Mar 2006, 3:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.