Question for the parents

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If you have children who weren't diagnosed until teens or later... or if you can imagine yourself in that spot... how would you want to hear about the diagnosis? What type of approach would you be most receptive to and cause you the least pain?

I'm 22 and got diagnosed last year, at college, in total secrecy from my family. At the time I couldn't have had a conversation about it without breaking down, losing the ability to talk, and generally acting way too emotional to be taken seriously. But now I'm living and working on my own, financially independent. My parents are coming to visit and it doesn't seem right to have to hide in my own apartment... hide the spectrum books, stay off WrongPlanet, lie about how I spend my time, etc. I'm going to have to be honest with them but I'm rather frightened.

My parents are fairly logical, traditional types... one of them thinks psychology is a pseudoscience so I can't really rely on "officialness" to back up what I want to say. I'm not expecting them to suddenly become close friends when there's been ice between us for years. I'm not expecting any kind of reaction from them, really. I just want to be able to be myself in my own home.

I honestly have no idea whether they'll say "Why are you telling us this?" as if I were talking about intimate details of a sex life. Or whether they'll tell me not to be silly, that I shouldn't be duped by so-called doctors. Or whether they'll get upset, as if I had accused them of being bad parents. Knowing how they're likely to react would help me plan in advance so I didn't get caught off guard and get all emotional, which I know from past experience would be a surefire way of sending the conversation downhill.

Any opinions or advice would be highly highly appreciated.

i think , perhaps, if you speak with them in a calm manner rather than a "you gotta believe me" manner things might turn out better. state your facts clearly, and if they want to get into a debate about how "psychiatry is not a real science", be the bigger person....i'd say "i'm sorry you feel that way." and then end the conversation. i've found actually BTW, that saying "i'm sorry you feel that way" does one of two things: 1. pisses them off and makes them argue with you more or 2. make them shut up. ~ your parents may never accept what your diagnosis is...and that would be quite a shame

the really important thing in all of this is that you accept your diagnosis and learn to cope better....it seems that you've done that.

IMO, just tell them. Calm is good, of course, and it's obviously wise to not engage in a discussion if their attitude is that you've been duped by shrinks or if they feel you criticise your upbringing. Answer questions, show them books, anything, but in the end, if they are not receptive enough, close the discussion. After all, it's your diagnosis, not theirs.

As a parent, I know I'd like to know. As an Aspie. I know how it felt to tell my mom about it. (She took it reasonably well, even though she's got a very selective memory about how I was as a kid because her little boy was just a bit different and a genius, nothing else. So there.)

As the parent of an aspie who was diagnosed at 10, I can't imagine that your parents didn't recognize that you were always somehow slightly different than other children your age. They may have paddled long and hard to stay in the comfort of the river "denial", but unless you exhibited remarkably few behaviors ever, I'm sure they had/have an idea of something, just maybe not what.

As a parent, I am guilty of feeling psychology/psychiatry to be a huge waste of everyone's time and money in the past. My oldest daughter was a handful, and I honestly felt for years that what she needed was a good spanking to set her straight. The medical community finally decided she was bipolar, and after seeing her after 6 months on meds, I was won over to their side.

You may want to print out some good, straightforward articles that provide accurate, relevant information. I know my own parents would think I was just jumping on the latest bandwagon, and so you want to avoid that. Books are good, but require a while to get through. It was a piece online when I was trying to find out what was going on with our son that spoke to me, that said "this is your son" right there in black and white so that I couldn't dismiss it.

I hope this helps, because to have the help and support of your family could only be a good thing.

When my son was dx at 11 with AS prior to that, a whole bunch of other letters, I know I was relieved to know what it was and then I could help him or at least understand what was going on. Later to learn that I myself was on the spectrum, I finially fit in somewhere. My family is very supportive with my son, when I had told my mom about myself, she was indifferent, when I told my brother (who is like my father, he's much older then I), he was no way you just think that way because ds was dx.
Even though I wasn't self dx'ing but it was through a doctor. I don't mention it to my brother because honestly I don't want to deal with it. My mom on the other hand, I would mention things that happened in the past and we both are realizing that now it all makes sense.
Sorry I rambled but I would tell them like the others said calmly...they will either except it or not...if you're ready to deal with it then tell them if not why get yourself upset if they don't except it.

Yes, tell them calmly. Tell them and then immediately say something like, "...and if you two are willing to discuss this calmly and not try to get me into any debate about the legitimacy of the diagnosis or who's to blame, etc., then we'll discuss it. If not, that's all I have to say."

But first off, sit them down, get their attention, and then ask them to remain silent until you've given your little shpeel. If they break in before you've finished, just pause and ask them if they could remain silent until you've finished as they'd agreed.

Use reverse psychology...

I would leave everything in your apartment the way it is. I also wouldn't say anything until they ask about the books, etc. This way YOU are not confronting them. It puts the ball in their court, but you still have control of the situation. At that point you can tell them nonchalantly that you have been dx'd and are researching the issue further. That is all I would say. That puts the ball back in their court again, and you still have control. They can decide for themselves if they want to ask more questions or if they want to bury their heads in the sand. If they ask questions, then answer them honestly. If they choose not to ask questions, then at least you know you have done your best and have told them.

I think this might be a good approach, especially if you haven't gotten on well with your parents in years. Also, if you don't bring the topic up and they get out of hand, you can always end the conversation by telling them it is something you are looking into and that you don't want to discuss it further. It is, of course, your house and your rules.

Best of luck!

I'm really sorry that you are worried about telling your parents about being Aspie. I would feel horrible if either of my boys were afraid to tell me something.

For me, I do not see my son as having a disability. Rather, he has great abilities and will grow up to be a very successful man someday. They may not want to believe that you have a disability because they have never seen you in that way. Obviously you do very well for yourself.

By accepting your DX, you can better understand who you are. That is good for you! They may not react how you think, so just be calm and speak matter-of-factly.

Being AS is not a psychological problem, it is neurological. Your brain just works differently than others. That is what I tell my son. It is nothing to be ashamed of, be proud of it! I wish I were 1/2 as smart as my son!

Good luck to you!

Thanks so much for all the replies!

I like the "I'm sorry you feel that way". Leaves them the option of taking whatever stance they want without implying that I have to compromise mine. I'm sure there won't be an argument per se, my family is extremely nonconfrontational. JsMom, I probably can't be so subtle as to just leave the books around... because they would never ask, so I'd never have confirmation that they'd noticed, and I don't want to be stuck not knowing whether they're whispering behind my back or oblivious.

aspiesmom1... my whole family is eccentric and proud of it, so quoting things like "I didn't have friends" wouldn't go over well because they'd say "Neither did I, what's your point?" The problem is that they have their own particular brand of eccentricity and don't want much to do with anything outside of it. I'll see if I can find some articles, though I'm worried the moment they hear something like "autism diagnoses are skyrocketing in the past 10 years" they'll write it off as a bandwagon and never consider an alternate point of view.

Sophist... I'm going to have to stay away from the shpiel... One, I don't talk that much, especially under stress. Two, I think they'd feel cornered and it would make them unreceptive.

I hope I don't sound too negative... I'm just trying to apply all these different perspectives to the current situation. I really appreciate all the suggestions.

Pyraxis~

You know your parents and your situation best. I'm positive you'll find the right way to tell them.

It's funny...my mother in law is from west Texas, and she notices EVERYTHING! Sometimes I think she's doing an inventory of everything new in our house everytime she comes to visit, and she's not afraid to discuss this list in detail and give her opinion about it all! Maybe that's why I like to be subtle...I can't get a word in edge wise!

How about telling them, "I found out something interesting about myself," as a lead-in to telling them about your AS diagnosis? Have some material on hand that they can read if they want more information or if you find your words fail you. You can use the "Well I'm sorry you feel that way," if they say anything upsetting to you. I would not start the conversation as I were looking for a fight with them, but don't let them draw you into an argument.

I want my daughter to always be able to ask me or tell me anything without any fear of my reaction and so far she has always been able to. Once it was a little uncomfortable when she asked me quite loudly exactly where the sperm comes from and how exactly does it find the egg while we were in Home Depot, but I recovered well, I think.

If you decide what to say to your parents, you could practice on us since we are parents too.

*Edited---I'm being harassed. Could you remove my quote Odeon?

-- quote and (most of) reply removed --

BTW, I *love* your avatar.

So the parents arrived today.

Arranged that Donna Williams' music was playing quietly in the car while I was driving them out to a restaurant. No reaction and the way their conversation overrode the background noise led me to conclude they weren't listening beyond noting that random background music existed.

Went onto WP while they were in the room, but they didn't happen to get close enough to notice or read anything over my shoulder.

Couldn't find a break in the conversation to casually lead into what WP was and why I was reading it and why my username had a moderator tag underneath it.

Not sure how to approach the conversation directly in a way that won't antagonize a couple of people who really don't want to hear anything out of the ordinary. Any suggestions, even down to specific phraseology, would be helpful...

I reread your original post to see if there was some particular reason why you felt the need to tell them but didn't see one other than you didn't want to hide it. Is there any specific reason reason why you have to tell them at all? If you are happy with yourself, and you are obviously not hiding who you are from your parents, and they aren't asking any questions, then why specifically tell them? Then again, I'm ususally nonconfrontational and nonjudgemental, and like to let things be the way they want to be, unless of course someone is getting hurt.

However, if you really want to bring it up, sit down next to them, open up one of you AS books and begin to read. Maybe that will insight them to ask questions.