She's Cussing! Help!

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So my cute little 7yo AS daughter has developed an ugly habit of calling her older brother a "little sh*t" when she gets mad at him. And more recently, when I put her in her room because she's out of control and needs some time to cool off, she'll yell through the door that I'M a stupid sh*t. I don't bother spanking her as spanking never helped and I don't do it anymore; I've given her time-outs but this is worse than the usual things I give her time-outs for; I take things away but she continues her behavior; and when she's calm and we discuss this rationally, she agrees with me that such things should not be said - it's just when she's in the moment that she forgets herself, or flips and doesn't care at the time. How do I stop this behavior?

We never say anything stronger than "gosh" or "darn" in our household, but my kids briefly went to a babysitter who watched a couple of foul-mouthed kids, and I suspect this is where she got the notion that this was acceptable. They also go to a Christian school and I can't imagine how it would be received if she were to say that sort of thing THERE. My ex-husband has threatened to spank her very hard in front of others (such as her friends or grandparents) if she keeps this up, but I'm fairly certain the only thing that will do is hurt their relationship.

If anyone has had similar issues and was able to find a solution, I'd be very grateful.

I think verbal lashing out in meltdowns is very common. Get over it, it's just a word.

I agree, it IS just a word, but I do have the responsibility of teaching her how to live in a largely NT world where that, at her age and in the circumstances she uses it, is not acceptable. This is why I feel it is very important to communicate to her how very important it is not to throw it around in the manner she does.

A stick across my arse the first time I swore at my parents did the trick, I never did it again

Why do so many aspies advocate discipline of the physical variety? To me this would be deemed injustice and would not solve the problem, but escalate it unless they beat me to a pulp.

I'll assume you're joking though, otherwise you wouldn't be using the word arse.

For a time my daughter picked up the exclamation "Je-s Chi-t!" We quickly transferred that to CHEEZE-IT MICE!

She says she learned it from one of the aids at preschool. Since her preschool is Catholic, I highly doubt that.

Speaking of transferring it to something else, my daughter's dad did threaten her into good behavior one evening after she'd been calling her brother this favorite epithet of hers. The next time her brother made her mad, I heard her lower her voice and say, very slowly and deliberately, "You little blank."

He didn't tattle, and she didn't do it again, and I found it so funny I didn't trust myself to address it without giggling, so I pretended not to have heard.

I agree that it is annoying to hear someone swear, but honestly do you care if they are cursing. It's just words it's not like you're going to hell just for saying ass or s**t.

Well, again, I think it's a matter of explaining the socially acceptable and unacceptable ways of swearing. To me, this isn't a question of morals or going to hell. But if you choose to swear, you need to understand the sometimes complicated social rules of swearing.

As an NT person, I understand that, while it's okay to drop the F-bomb with your drinking buddies, you wouldn't even want to say "damn it" in church. In my Midwestern culture, it is normally unacceptable for a child to swear at all. And if you are a young child and using sh*t incorrectly, you are most definitely going to get in trouble. Now, if we were a cussing family with friends who also cuss, I wouldn't care. But since no one in our family talks that way and in my daughter's social sphere it is considered an unacceptable thing to do, then, yes, I do care if she swears because she's going to get unfavorable responses without understanding why.

I would like to be able to explain swearing to her so that, when she is older, she can choose whether or not to cuss and which words will be appropriate for her feelings or the situation. After all, it is a form of communication. I'm not going to tell her they're "bad" words...but at the moment she's using them indiscriminately because she doesn't understand their rules.

It may not sound like a big deal to you, but it is in our situation. I don't overreact when she swears (which is what my ex seems to think I SHOULD be doing if I want it to stop). I simply want to know if any other parents have been able to navigate this sort of situation successfully. I would also like to be able to deal with this in a calm manner before my ex decides to deal with it in a more volatile manner.

I remember when I was a kid, I was told stupid, idiot, dumb were all bad words. I even though duh was a bad word too because when i said it to my mother, she sent me to the steps. But then I learned the f word and I say it and mom tells me it's a bad word. So I don't use it again until I went to my new school and I had finally figured out stupid wasn't a bad word nor dumb nor idiot and duh. So I thought the f word wasn't a bad word either and kept using it. I couldn't understand why other words were so acceptable to use and the f word wasn't. Then one day mom told me I would get my mouth slapped next time if I say it and one day I said it again and I got my mouth slapped. I never said it again. Instead I used other words that I was told were bad like dumb stupid duh and idiot.

So that's what happened when my mom told me words were bad when they weren't so I thought she was wrong than thinking she lied to me. I took her so literal I remembered them and my shrink told me when I was 17 most kids forget they were told those words are bad because they are bad words for little kids and they forget when they are older they were told that when they were little.

Is your kid aspie by any chance? It can be tricky to teach them things because they take things so literal they may never forget what you told them and then it can backfire a few years later. they can either think you lied to them and you can never be trusted or think you were wrong and they don't believe you that a word is bad when it actually is this time. It's like crying wolf when you tell an aspie child a word is bad when it isn't.

My daughter has used a few cuss words and I just very strongly tell her the RULE is absolutely no using that BAD language, ever.

Of course you have to tell her this when she is not in a rage or meltdown and you have to be absolutely unequivocal in the rule. Perhaps stating when she is 16 she can talk like that but not until then. Give her some alternate things she can say as a pp mentioned. If she does it again, take away something of value such as tv time or DS/computer time for a set period of time (that she can handle that won't provoke another meltdown). Tell her if she breaks the RULES there are consequences. Above all, I would not react to the swearing at the time it happens. She may be seeking attention or want to emphasize her rage. Do not mention the swearing when it happens, only discuss it after the cool down has occurred.

If this strategy doesn't work you could perhaps have a chart. Each consecutive day there is no swearing she gets a sticker. When the chart is filled she can have an ice cream or eat out at the restaurant of her choice (or whatever you think she would really like). Once weeks have passed with no swearing, it is more likely that it won't occur again and she will learn alternatives to letting her displeasure be known.

I also agree that right now she probably doesn't have control over the cussing-it's a venting strategy for her. Only after the above strategies are implemented (and they should only be implemented after a future meltdown with cussing, not before) would you expect the cussing to go away. Right now you should not punish what has happened in the past.

Just my opinion.

I tend to believe at this age that they don't have a lot of other tools to use. Give them some. They hear a lot about "using your words" at school and on TV to vent anger, but no one tells them WHICH words, so they pick up from society and use what they've heard. When she isn't upset talk to her about her options and give her something that she feels has punch but that won't be upsetting to the adults around her. When I was little my dad taught us to swear in a foreign language, but that isn't always the wisest option (you should have seen my grandmother's face when I let one rip while in her country ) ... a made up word that just feels good off the tongue is probably a better idea. And learning that it is OK to punch out her pillow.

Of course, to the extent the usage occurs once in full melt down mode she really does not have control, and consequences aren't going to teach her to have it. The only way to control what happens in a meltdown is to see the meltdown coming and either dissipate the negative energy before it hits, or get your child into a safe situation.

As for screaming she does through the room of her door - a very conservative and strict child psychologist advises against doing anything about it. The concept being, what one does in the privacy of their own room should be considered private, as long as it isn't dangerous or destructive.

Remember that anger needs to be vented; you can't teach her that no anger is OK because that is counterproductive. What you want to do is give her the tools to release the anger as safely and appropriately as possible.

Just FYI, the whole "stupid" thing is very hard to deal with, because it is so pervasive in society and kids shows, etc., and your daughter has no way of knowing the nuance of when it is sarcastic or acceptable. Acknowledge that to her, that you know she hears it a lot, but that you are asking her to refrain from using the term anyway.

Words have more power than you comprehend. More to the point, this child has to grow up and live in human society which, disgustingly uncivilized as it has become, still has some rules of behavior. Try using that phrase to a cop when he pulls you over to inform you of a burned out tail light and see what it gets you. I guarantee the judge will not accept 'its just a word' as a defense after you're arrested for public obscenity - better yet, call the judge a 'stupid sh*t' and see what happens.

I came from a generation whose parents didn't hesitate to spank, or wash our mouths out with bar soap when we used language like that (in front of them). I may swear like a sailor most of the time now, but I know when to keep the salt in reserve, too.

While I'm not offended by swearing, I am offended by the stupidity of people who don't have a large enough vocabulary to express themselves any other way. Perhaps that's one way to approach it with this child - that using that kind of language is likely to make people think she's not smart enough to use better words. Surely she doesn't want others to think she's a 'stupid sh*t'.

It takes one to call somebody one.

DW, I love the Cheez It Mice!

We have Goldfish in our family, as in: That's the biggest bunch of goldfish I've ever heard.

My little guy used to cuss like a sailor, a sailor with a really dirty mouth. He was non verbal till Kindergarten and by first grade was speaking intelligibly. Unfortunately as the speech therapy began to work and we found out what he was tryng to say he had developed an extremely colorful vocabulary. Thankfully his teacher was able to handle it well (without laughing too hard). She would correct him and then tell us. He did eventually break the habit. He was really skilled at it which made it hard to keep a straight face when disciplining him, but we knew he'd get into a lot of trouble along the way and it was for his own good. We didn't spank, but did sometimes give his toys time outs (kid time outs never worked much for us, but taking away favorite toys for a set amount of time did).

Good Luck!

I far from advocate it, I was simply saying as much as I may have hated being on the receiving end it certainly stopped me ever doing it again.

Because when I was a child my parents whipped me, so it is the method I know. I actually wrote a list of swats and other punishments to use with my kids for certain infractions. I felt it was a fair method because it was very predictable, and could not escalate. I turned out OK and so did my kids.