Complaining at dinner time? Tips needed

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The 10 year old almost everyday gets up at dinner time and complains about what's for dinner. (I myself as an adult say I don't want X and cook what I choose but I'm an adult) Tonight was another yelling match leaving the 10 year old bailing in tears. (as per usual) sadly. So how is your NT or AS child at dinner? I'm not certain she's on the spectrum some of her behavior seems typical pre teen stuff other times it's shocking she said/did X.

In our house the rule is eat what is served OR pick a quickly reheated leftover out of the frig.

I do make a point of cooking at least one course at every meal that is fairly well assured to be liked, but sometimes they just aren't in the mood.

They all go through phases of having issues with what is being served, but parents can't short order cook. In a way, there is something to be said for the old fashioned system of serving X on Mondays, Y on Tuesdays, etc., because then the kids knew when the unfavored meals were coming and could stuff at lunch. I think the issue that happens today is that they allow themselves to create a vision of what they hope to eat, or are in the mood to eat, which of course almost never ends up matching what they find on their plate. Hence, disappointment.

If you include the picky ones in food shopping and menu prep, that helps, too.

The sooner they know what is being cooked for dinner, the better it will go. And the more dinner can be served to match the peak in the surge of hunger, the better as well (being too late for dinner compared to the child's natural stomach rhythms really messes everything up; better timed before the surge than after).

One thing I've done that works like magic, seriously, is to serve a raw veggie plate about an hour before dinner. It almost all gets gobbled up without much thinking. It prevents the waiting too long to eat mess and, if I'm not serving anything they are in the mood for, I know they've gotten the essential vitamins, even if they end up not wanting to eat a single other thing served (rare, though).

Let's just say I learned to cook my own favorite foods early.

When I was 10 the rule was you ate what was set down on the table or had cold cereal with milk, I usually had it once a week or so.

Teach her how to cook her favourite foods.

I starved myself rather than eat something I didn't want. Eventually I wasn't hungry anymore and I started to get emaciated when my pediatrician told my mom to give in or else they were going to have to hospitalize me. So eventually I started having dinner on my own, and over the years my family started each having something different for dinner a Little more and more often as the years went by.

The best thing you can do is teach her how to make simple meals by herself- even if it's breakfast or lunch for dinner, all that really matters is that he gets proper nutrition from it.

Like John, I refused to eat things that made me nauseous. Flavor, smell or texture - if the idea of eating it made me sick, I didn't.



I agree about proper nutrition, but a recent study found that kids who were picky eaters did not suffer any ill effects from their diet. Teaching them to cook is important for all kids, but why make a federal case out of it. We demand that the schools accommodate the issues that make our kids different, so why is it so difficult to view sensory issues involving food in the same light?

When kids are willing to sit in their chair until bedtime or withstand more torture than Jack Bauer faced, it is not because they are being difficult or testing their parents resolve. In my case, the thought of eating it was disgusting. Asking me to eat ca-ca would be in the same realm. After many table sessions, my mother finally saw the light and learned to open a can of soup or ravioli for me when she had something I wouldn't touch. My dad couldn't understand. He was one of those guys who could make a meal of slugs, worms and squid.

If you don't want to make two meals every night, why not make Jr's favorite one night per week and make enough to freeze an individual portion for each other night?

Something else that may be involved is how you talk about foods. My wife used to say, "This doesn't seem right. You taste it." There was no way I could get that through my lips. Be positive before they taste it and let them make up their own minds.

Your number 1 priority at meal time should actually have nothing to do with food. It should have to do with atmosphere - purely positive. No negativity, fighting, demanding, refusing, etc. The key to this is clear agreed-upon expectations in advance.

Make rules simple, and agree to them together - and this is not a discussion to have at the dinner table in the heat of the moment. Set aside time to sit down with her and go over some of the great ideas posted here, and see which ones she finds most appealing. For example, she may agree that it is not fair to expect you to make extra meals after you have prepared supper. So, she may agree that she doesn't HAVE to eat what you make, but if she chooses not to, she has two options: healthy cereal with milk (as many helpings as she wants) or she finds leftovers in the fridge if there are any (no guarantees there will be).

I would also encourage you to follow another poster's advice about getting her involved in meal planning and prep (and shopping) and make it fun!

I don't know. Dinner time sucks at our house. The more I try to get my kids to eat what I think they should be eating, the worse it goes. So mostly I don't waste my time.

Maybe your sister has some sensory issues. I remember getting really grossed out by certain foods because of their smell or texture. Like eggplant. My mom would make me eat eggplant, and it made me feel and queasy because of the texture.

I have two boys. My 12 year old is diagnosed with AS, and he's got food issues. Whatever he eats has to be either very sweet, very salty, or very spicy. If it's got any hint of bitterness (like whole grains or vegetables), or any hint of texture (like whole grains or vegetables), he won't eat it. Also, it takes him forever to chew meat. Even something like a minute-steak, he'll still be chewing it after a half hour.

My 9 year old is not AS, but he's got major sensory issues. He can't tolerate the smells of most foods. For him, everything is too spicy or too smelly.

When I was a kid, we were required to eat what was served, and I certainly respect that. That's how I intended to raise my kids, but the sensory issues really make it hard. I remember enjoying food, and looking forward to certain favorite meals. My 12 year old has a few favorite meals, but the 9 year old can't even bear to come downstairs when we have those, because the smell makes him gag. Mostly I just make them something separate, and always something quick and easy, like maybe a hard-boiled egg and a bowl of applesauce for the 9-year-old, and some baked beans on toast for the oldest. It's never the balanced, square meals my mom used to cook, but if I try cooking like that, most of it ends up in the trash.

If I am introducing something new and I think the kids will like it, I put a tiny bit of each new item on a small plate. (like a tablespoon) I tell them that they have to eat each thing before they get anything else. By now, I am pretty clear on what they will and will not like.

If they try each thing and don't like it, they can help themselves to either leftovers or another healthy non-cooking item. If they already don't like what I am serving, they can go straight to the frige (they don't need to demonstrate trying anything).

They may not cook their own meal on a night where I have cooked for the family. I don't need double mess, However, I encourage them to pick a night where they prepare the meal (with me as an assistant). They can choose the meal, tell me what to buy and then I help make it. They have avoided this after a couple of times. Why, because meal prep for a family is hard work. Now they know.

We always have yogurt, healthy bread, peanut butter, fruit & cheese available.

I try to make time consuming favorites in bulk so we can eat them often. For instance my spaghetti sauce - we all love it and I pack a ton of nutrition in it. I make a huge pot (with no meat) and freeze it into meal size containers. Then we can defrost and add whatever meat we want and make a quick and easy meal.

Also, I try to make sure that the foods the kids will eat are as packed with nutrition as possible. For instance, they could live on pasta. Well, we have found two tyoes that are whole grain, organic AND taste good (shock!). We have been loving pie lately. So I make pie using wonderful fresh fruit and a little organic sugar. There is some fat in the crust but otherwise, it's a really good serving of fruit and the kids are HAPPY!

I did not gain anything other than anger by being forced to sit at the table, I certainly did not discover a love for the cold food on my plate - I will never take that approach with my children. That said, I am not a servant who will make three dinners.

I have to cook three different dinners every night, and Billy (11) STILL complains half the time! He is under the delusion that he is being "tortured" somehow when he asks for one of the four foods he will eat, I cook it, then he decides he wants something else and I refuse to cook a fourth dinner. Drives me NUTS!! ! And he either eats what he originally asks for or goes hungry because of his stubbornness.

I came here to 'Wrong Planet' hoping to find some information on this. Wow! Just what I needed. I have a 9 yo son on the spectrum who eats next to nothing! Its so hard, especially packing lunches for school days. I try and try to feed him a diet that is healthy but he is so hard to accomodate. If you can imagine, I have an older son who is a vegetarian and then there is my younger son on the spectrum and has eating issues...then my husband who is a meat and potato man...and my daughter who wants nothing 'mixed'.... 5 people and most with different eating habits or preferences. I'd love to have a huge buffet type thing diners use to keep foods cool or warm and have everyone just grab what they like. Its so hard!

Luckily, my daughter likes most foods - unfortunately, we have issues about what we will eat and when. For example: she loves spaghetti, but some times when I fix it she refuses to have anything to do with it because she doesn't "feel" like eating it that night. She will say she doesn't have an appetite for it and will point blank refuse it and will launch into a meltdown if you try to force the issue. So, when she refuses she ends up with cold cereal unless there are leftovers she opts for that can be reheated.

I do have a rule that she must try a new food at least once to see if she likes it or not and I've always promised her if she didn't like it, that she won't have to eat it. This has worked for us over the years.

I wonder, Penny, if that is Jj's thing. He'll go through times he will eat a certain thing and then all of a sudden not eat it at all. Or he'll eat one thing at his dad's house but not my house (he'll drink milk at dad's house but not mine), or he'll be willing to try something at school but have a meltdown at my house if I try to get him to eat something. This summer we realized that he was breaking out in hives when he ate peanutbutter...so now we have a peanut allergy to deal with.

Why don't you just ask for your child's input ? You as the adult make the food choices, and ask no imput. Everyday my household knows that there will be either mac and cheese, rice and gravy, corn, sweet peas, or hotdogs served daily.
I mean, how would you feel if some one put a plate of Rocky Mt oysters, mudbugs, sushi, squid, or squirrel meat in front of you and said eat it or do without? Practically the same thing you are doing.
*edited for spelling

Last edited by adora on 01 Sep 2010, 6:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Unfortunately, the poster is an older sibling, with limited influence on how meal time is run. But, sometimes what we say here can make it successfully to the parents' ears ... I give a lot of credit to a sibling willing to keep trying on behalf of the other siblings.