I know it's selfish, but ...

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My son is graduating from 8th grade, and the big event is a dance. Which, of course, he has zero desire to go to.

So yesterday I was faced was a massive flow of emails to my in-box and cc'd to my phone as everyone "replied to all" planning this dance. Which I have no reason to help with, but would have very much enjoyed being a part of if my son had shown any interest at all in. It's "the" event for graduation; there really is little else for us to mark the transition.

It was also our last open house at the elementary school, as my 5th grade daughter prepares to depart that happy place for middle school.

I am not a natural social butterfly, but I love being social. All those years working on events at the elementary school gave me an easy social circle. You are instantly friendly with all the other volunteer minded moms, and by the nature of projects you pick (artsy v. sales v. instructional, etc) you end up surrounded by people who share many of your interests and talents. Or, at least, that is how it was at this one school (no queen bee PTA presidents, just people genuinely happy to embrace everyone who wanted to be a part of giving to the school).

But once out of the elementary school, things change. There haven't been good volunteer jobs for me at the middle school, and much of the parent social life has shifted solidly onto sports. Which my son has no part in, and my daughter will not, either. I lose a nice little social life in the bargain.

And ... there are all the unfulfilled wishes from my own youth, the ways I didn't fit in or get to experience it all, since I wasn't that gifted socially, either. I would have liked to see it be different for my own kids. A way to live it vicariously, I guess.

I LIKE stupid stuff like dances, the cute way youth date, and so on. I LIKE it when, out of the blue, random happy teens descend on our house and clear out our refrigerator. I LIKE planning parties and hosting events, as long as the schedule doesn't get too intense (I do overload easy!). But I do not, unfortunately, really like playing Warhammer, or trying to follow dozens of new game rules as my son invents new games (I LOVE that he invents, but I'm not a gamer, so being his first sounding board is not an easy fit). I can't talk programming, gaming, or the nuances of history.

My NT daughter isn't any more into the stuff I like than my AS son is.

So I got depressed as I had to delete all those individual dance planning emails. Another social connection I just can't make because my son has no interest in it. It's not his fault, I know it's a "me" thing, but, still, sometimes I would like a few things to be different.

Heh. I dread the possibility that my children might like those school social things that I found so pointless.

Regarding volunteering, are there really no nonsports things that you could get involved in for middle school? Music groups, nonsocial dance, debate teams, heck, even gaming clubs?

We're precise opposites here; I'm not at all a social person, but I am a gamer. I've put my own paints and miniatures aside for the time being, but I'm looking forward to my kids being old enough to start gaming with them. Of course, now I need bifocals if I want to paint figures, and that's a terribly depressing thing.

If you're of a crafty mind, perhaps you could help him make a gaming table with terrain, and buildings, and suchlike. If there's other kids that he plays Warhammer with, and you've got a good place set up to fight battles upon, you'll certainly have them descend upon your house.

If so, it's a good thing that you *like* having your fridge cleared out, from what I know of teen gamers. And adult ones, for that matter.

hmm.. I figure the elementary school could still use a good volunteer even if your kids aged out. I would talk to someone about continuing to volunteer as you enjoy it. The need is not leaving with your children. I bet they would be happy to see you stay!

Middle school was very sad for me in this regard (I totally get the social aspect). However, High School has been great! My NT DS is in the school band, and I am a booster mom. BOY - is there a TON of volunteer opportunity.

I like the band because there are a bunch of happy to be considered nerds, that all hang out togehter. The parents are all somewhat similar and work really hard to make sure their kids have a good experience.

I don't do social unless there's an agenda. So, for me, being a booster mom, provides that agenda and I have a reason to interact with others. If I don't have a reason, I would never reach out to anyone, but when there's a reason AND I am confident about my role, then I actually enjoy the interraction.

Anyway, high school band has been great for our family - even our AS DS who is 11 s a part of the band family, and has gained great acceptance in the group.

I so hear you. ((((((((((DW_a_mom))))))))))))

I often walk into J's school and other parents are standing around talking about so and so's birthday party, and I must admit I feel a little jealous.

My biggest biggest school related social heart break was when my oldest son was due to graduate high school (yr 12). The school had planned this big dinner awards event, newsletters had been coming home for months, it was going to be costly but that's ok I would put the money aside because I really wanted to be there. My oldest flat out refused to go. The time for booking tickets came and went, he told the school he wasn't going so no tickets were held for our small family. Just two weeks before the event though C (my eldest) came and told me that he was doing all the multi media and audio stuff for this event. I asked him if this meant we could now go and he said NO!! He would set it up and come home.

Then I had a call from the senior kids coordinator, she asked me if C could please go to this event. Apparently C had used me and his little brother as an excuse to get out of it. I told her that I would love to go but it was C who didn't want to go. She told me she had no idea until that day (just days before the big event) that C wasn't going, she really wanted him there because he was getting an award, that they'd wanted to keep as a surprise. I told her by all means if they could get him there that would be great, I would love to see C graduate and get an award. She called me back and said because the event was being catered for at a private venue, she could only squeeze I more place for C to attend. If I wanted to go to this sit down dinner awards event I would have to come in a little after it had started and stand back near the balconies, I wouldn't be fed and I couldn't order any drinks. I would have to watch from the side lines.

The only way we could get C there was a lot of begging on the schools behalf and I had to tell him he was getting an award (he still didn't want to go) but eventually he caved in and went.
It was the happiest but saddest day for me. Happy for my boy but extremely hard to watch such a huge event from the sidelines.

I wish my son was doing band but, no, not interested. The high school will have sport, art and music boosters, but he does none of the above. My daughter has grudgingly agreed to try band in middle school, but I'm not expecting it to take.

I know there is plenty of need for volunteers even when you have no kid connection but (a) it really isn't the same because that by itself is a separation from the other moms and (b) every volunteer job has to steal time from somewhere else and there simply is no way to justify that within the family if we have no figurative horse in the race. We're just too impacted to do things "just" because we want to.

I do paint figures for my son, but it isn't very social. It's a "do for" not a "do with" because the hypermobility means he really can't do it. And my old eyes totally struggle with how small those things are!

I think part of the problem is that I really had not realized how much I relied on the social life my kids were indirectly creating for me, and now I'm being banged over the head by the loss.

Aurea, that is exactly what my son would do. And it does complicate things that the world makes no alowances for the concept that kids might not like what the adults expect them to like. My son almost dreads being honored for anything and I'm not totally sure why; the event expectation is probaby part. I'm pretty sure he's quietly made sure he can't get any awards this time. He totally does that.

DW,

My son is much younger, but I can totally relate. I am a VERY social person. I hear all of the other moms of little boys talking about soccer and t-ball and swim team, blah,blah,blah. My son just does not have the coordination to participate in any of these things. We had high hopes for him joining the church choir. He did that for a short while, and then decided he did not want to do that. Also, I see all of the kids on our street running around playing and my son does not want to play with them either. It is very hard sometimes.

I actually have enough friends that I don't really feel that I am missing anything not being a part of the mom's circles. I just worry about my son, and then I feel sorry for myself too.

I guess this is just one of the parts of autism that we do have to just keep pushing through and looking for things that our children and ourselves can be a part of.

Sorry for your disappointment.......

New perspective: tonight my son went with me to the movies. Friday night, prime time. He saved me a seat; didn't even think for a second about trying to make me sit in another row. How many 14 year old boys will do that? Lol, yeah, sometimes you just need a new day ...

Aurea, I know, I know. My son hates all crowded situations and really hates all eyes on him. I went through thinking I was so prideful for wanting my son's honor more than he. He actually ran off the stage when he got a standing ovation for memorizing over an hour's worth of facts. So the following year, I went and his sister accepted the trophy. He wants everyone he knows to know he won the title. He just doesn't like all those strangers. It's no honor if they are miserable but it sure impacts the mom. My first post her on Wrongplanet was about this and i got some great explanations from adult aspies. It made me feel great that there are adults that are like my son. Helped me understand.

This reminds me of an article I just read on the Autism Support Network
http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/new ... ism-332341

Not that I think, you DW, has this "mask syndrome" but it is somewhat relating to what you are saying.

Do they know how much you care about these things?.

I didnt have much of a social life at school until I went into highschool.
I just didnt see the point of making friends there when my main purpose was learning and it was probably going to be a distraction.

Every now and then someone was "forced" to do a group assignment with me and I brought them home, that was about it.

Then one of this people started making an attempt getting to know me,she had my house number so she phoned every couple of days to talk about homewor, exams, whatever, and when I saw my mothers face brighten up everytime this girl called and I wasnt home I realized that this kind of things may be important to her so I made an attempt to keep the friendship going for a while.

I didnt have any idea my parents wanted to have teenagers descending down our house until they made a "surprise" party a couple of years ago(they asked me to invite some classmates, I had just changed schools so I didnt feel like having anyone over, they got in touch with one of the class mates and threw the party anyways). Since then I try to plan an event every couple of months because it makes them happy. This surprise party got me closer to some of my classmates(they did meetups every friday and I was allways invited which hadnt happened on the previous weeks) and solved some of the issues I was having at class so Im glad that it took place.

Your seem to have a very healthy relationship with your kids, Im sure they wont mind giving ONE of this events A go every now and then.(Please note that there are some capitalized words in order to strength the importance of letting them make their own choice)

I know you have posted about your son being in scouting. Perhaps you could volunteer more there. Or perhaps it is time to figure out where your interests lie and pursue social activities in that regard. Maybe you could find a Book Club that would be a good fit. There are many community volunteer opportunities in our city. Find a cause you like and go volunteer.

I do get what you are saying. We moved when my trio were starting kindergarten. We had a great neighborhood playgroup, so I had built in, close in proximity friends, with kids close in age to mine. Then we moved and I lost all my closest friends. The only "friends" I have now are ones through my kid's activities. These are ladies I talk to and our kid's go to one another's homes, but we do nothing outside of that. I really miss a couple of ladies that I had lunch/see movies with occassionally in our old town. I have asked, but no one really wants to do anything outside of the kids here. It stinks because I finally had free time since all my kids were finally in school and now I have no one to play with.

Is there a reason you cannot still occassionally help out at the elementary school? If you enjoyed it purely on a personal level, I'm sure they would love to have all the help they can get. Also, if you can identify an acitivity that your son and/or daughter do love, you can always volunteer to lead an after school club. The 'geeky' interests, like battle card games, role play games, etc... help those like minded kids connect. I'm sure the school would have a policy in how to communicate with other parents and ask for their support (and ad hock social time!).

I had a long post that got eaten, and then I couldn't come up with it again.

At any rate...I completely understand. **Hugs**

This is something I spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about, although we are in 4th grade and still have another year of volunteer-intensive-socializing ahead of us - I think in large part because my mother modeled the worst-case scenario (I had to run away from home as an adult.) I recognize that I need to take steps now to ease the transition when the time comes (it will be hard enough on him, he doesn't need his mom having a hard time) and I'm planning my "exit strategy." I'm taking the advice of many here intended for kids and trying to find social outlets involving my own special interests having nothing to do with parenthood.

Unfortunately, getting DS through the day can be more than a full-time job...so making time to socialize outside of all the volunteering, chauffering, cheerleading, therapies, decompression time, etc. has been really challenging. Aside from that, one of my current special interests is parenting a child with autism...which has been a positive, but which isn't helpful in light of the goal above.

This whole parenting thing is such a dance of pushme-pullyou, isn't it?