20 year old son quit job, hiding in his room for past month

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My son sits somewhere on the Asperger spectrum, so do I for that matter.

He has his HS diploma and went to one semester of community college, got an A in Astronomy and flunked everything else. Went back for a second semester with good intentions but quit in 2 days and told me later on "nobody talks to me there" and "I don't want a job or to go to school, I can't deal with people"....after six months of moping and pressure from us, the parents, he got hired as a dishwasher. He worked there for one year, they were training him to do prep work and pantry work. I actually thought he was more or less happy, and he lived at home and kept his own hours.

A month ago he suddenly quit his job. No explanation. Since then he has been holed up in his room, sleeping most of the day, up all night, on his computer and continuing with his personal project of teaching himself to read and write Japanese.

He was on anti-depressants the year he was working but he never took them correctly, i.e. every 24 hours, he would skip a couple days etc. Now he doesn't take them at all.

How long do we (the parents) let this go on? I feel like we are enabling him and he is never going to achieve financial independence. Should we be patient and wait for him to get it together? Or do we do the full court press and say if this is how you want to live, go find your own place and soon?

He does not accept the idea that he has Aspergers. However when he tells me things like 'nobody talks to me at college" and I suggest making small talk and smiling back at people when they smile at you (and he has a dazzling smile when he chooses to use it) he tells me 'that will make me look/sound stupid'...he used to have meltdowns in the classroom, only worked on subjects he was interested in, writing was torture for him, he could do it but it took him hours.....

My only hope at the moment is his consuming interest in Japanese will eventually force him out of the house. However I have asked him, 'would you like to go to Japan someday?' and he says no, like what a crazy idea. And I found local colleges that offer classes in Japanese, and he could enroll as a visiting student, not in a degree program and just take Japanese and he says no.

His employer will take him back if he wants to go back to work at the restaurant, however he says he does not want to go back. I still suspect some kind of social issue came up for him at work so he quit. I don't think he has a clue as to how bad the economy is and how lucky he is to even have a job or a job he can go back to.

Is he under employed as a dishwasher? Of course he is. At first when he quit I thought, great he has realized he doesn't want to do this for the rest of his life. But when I ask him if he would like to get work as a translator someday, he says no. I have found a group that would help him work on his social skills, learning social skills, not therapy, not talking about your feelings but a concrete program that will teach him how to hang with NTs, not BE an NT but at least be more comfortable around them...but he says NO.

I am hearing NO a lot from him right now and his Dad is ready to boot him out the door.

Suggestions? Ideas? Leave him be for now or press him to get another job or training for a better job....thanks...

I found the semesters I was taking Japan 101, 102,103 classes I did better in all my classes. I had liked college during those semesters, and was not waiting in torment every morning on the ride to school.
Oh my god those rides can kill all motivation for the day.
Anyways, being bilingual can really really increase prospects for a job. Would be good to encourage him to continue even after he loses his obsession with it.

Sounds like he is frustrated with social interaction, no one can understand him and he might be blaming him self for it. I believe he trying to avoid socializing with other people because its hard for him. I hope this help.

Do you know where the obsession with Japanese is coming from? Is he into anime or video games or something like that?

Just so you know, he won't be able to get a job here unless he has a 4-year college degree, which is a requirement for a work visa. (I have been living in Japan on and off for about 7 years.)

This may or may not be relevant but what you said about your son hiding out in his room made me think of this.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori

Hikikomori (ひきこもり or 引き籠もり, Hikikomori?, literally "pulling away, being confined", i.e., "acute social withdrawal") is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive people who have chosen to withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement because of various personal and social factors in their lives. The term hikikomori refers to both the sociological phenomenon in general as well as to people belonging to this societal group.

(Click the link for the full article, it mentions ASD's.)

I am aware of the hikikomori social phenomenon, in fact I have mentioned it to my son, as in 'you are going all hikikomori on me...'

He does like anime and has been playing video games since he was born, more or less.

He was a big fan of World of Warcraft for a couple years, then he got interested in Monster Hunter, the Korean version. Now he is all about learning to read and write Japanese.

That is interesting to know he needs a BA to get permission to stay in Japan for any length of time, who knows, this may inspire him to get a degree.

Thanks for the feedback.

Anyone have a take on should we press him to get another job right away or leave him be for the time being.

I am very concerned with him finding his place in the world and becoming independent. I do not want to be his minder for the rest of my life nor do I want to enable a life style that I think is, in the long run, not healthy for him.

Thanks.

Considering he at one time could do a dishwasher job with apparently (?) no work performance issue...

If you like: "Do you want to go to Japan?"
"No." (Does he look sure? Or is it just a refusal to refuse action period?)

"If you want to go to Japan eventually or study/work there you'll need a BS."
"..."

"You'll need to go to normal 4 year college or at least start at a comm. college and transfer up"
"..."
"I don't mind waiting for you to decide to pursue that, but if your No to Japan or No to college is your honest answer, I'm charging rent."

---
Also, one thing, you found a group for him, but if he does not accept his condition then he still needs time to accept it. There is a fundamental difference for someone to feel regret for not having the life he wished he had vs. understanding that normal life is realistically not the most attainable for him anyway as an Aspie. He can live a good one, but he needs to start from his current state and not expecting results to come with no effort or work.

Sleeping all day and playing on the computer all night does not sound particularly healthy.

Personally I'd encourage him to get another job.

Have you considered charging him rent to continue living in your house? He is an adult now.

The reason I mentioned work visas etc is because a lot of foreighners who come here to work (usually as English teachers) start off with an interest in anime and that type of thing, and if your son has started studying the language there must be a reason for it...really no use for it outside this country.

I've heard that many AS young people have an extra difficult transition to adulthood, so just cutting him off or pushing him out could be disastrous. He may just not be ready for what he needs to do at this point in his life.

Still, he is going to have to show some progress if you are supporting him, and live by your rules. Perhaps lay out some very loose parameters and ask him to come back with a six month plan that fits those parameters. Work, school, training, or getting qualified for disability ... He should take some steps in a direction. He also could be depressed, in which case his doing therapy could be an action step. But make it clear that he has to do SOMETHING, or you'll issue consequences using the items within your control as owner of the household.

I am thinking he's most likely depressed, and that can be hard to get past. But he's got to tell you what is going on, or take some level of responsibility somewhere.

My best guess is that he is stuck and doesn't know what to do about it. So, he has pretty much become depressed and given up.

He isn't going to do well in college, and he knows that. He has failed every class that he took except for one 'A for Attendance' class, and that doesn't really count. He just doesn't have the skills that he needs to do well in college. Whether it is a lack of ability to concentrate, or a lack of ability to organize, or problems with memory, or social anxiety problems, I don't know. But it is clear that your son isn't going to do well in college unless something changes. Basically, he is convinced that he is going to fail (for good reason), and as such he doesn't want to bother trying.

So, he quit college, and you managed to talk him into a job, but without a degree or any special training, the only job he can get is washing dishes, which doesn't even pay enough for him to move out and live on his own. So, he has no hope of getting through college, he has no hope of getting a job which pays well enough to live off, and he has no hope of making any progress. So he decided just to give up and quit bothering because he doesn't see the point in wasting his time, and putting up with his co-workers, and trying everyday when he gets nothing worthwhile out of it.

This isn't the first time I have seen this happen. You can read about other people in similar situations here:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt160934.html
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt97268.html
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt159497.html

Really, the problem as far as I am concerned really isn't an autism problem, its a lack of jobs problem. I have actually seen this happen far more often with normal people then autistic people. In fact, many of my classmates from high school are going through the exact same thing. For those who are lucky enough to be born with academic ability, they have the chance to go to college and maybe accomplish something. For those who aren't academically inclined, they just try to muddle through life working at minimum wage jobs and living with their parents until the get kicked out and move in with their girlfriend's parents. I have seen it happen more than I would like to admit.

This isn't 20 years ago where people could walk out of high school and get a job that would pay the bills. Today, there aren't many jobs available for high school graduates, and the few jobs that are available don't pay enough to live off. This isn't really a problem about autism as more so it is a problem for anybody who can't manage college. Your son is just at a further disadvantage because no only can he not manage college, but he is also dealing with social anxiety which prevents him from doing most minimum wage jobs.

But I am not one to be all doom and gloom, so here is my bit of useful advice:
I would first start out by having a talk with your son, and let him know that you understand the difficulties he is facing, and that you want to help. But ultimately, your son must be the one to take responsibility and make something out of his life. You CANNOT change what is going on without his help. You cannot nag him, cajole him, threaten him, or coerce him into taking responsibility for his own life if he is not willing to do it himself.

Secondly, I would get your son to understand that there is more options then he is currently pursuing. Depression occurs when you have tried everything that you can think of and failed miserably. And that is what your son is currently dealing with. He has tried college and that failed. He has tried working a job and that failed. And so now he has just given up, stopped trying, and he is stuck. Making suggestions like, go back to college, really isn't going to work because he knows he is just going to fail again. And telling him to get a job isn't going to help much if he can't get a job worth doing that pays enough to make it worth while. What you need to do is pursue options that have good outcomes that are actually viable.

To that extent. I would take a realistic look at his abilities, and help him choose a job which he can manage. I understand that it's a parents goal to get their child through college and have them become and engineer or doctor, but that isn't going to work out for everybody. Some people may be better off getting a job working construction, or car maintenance. Society needs these people too. They build our houses and roads, and maintain our vehicles. There shouldn't be any shame in going for a job like this if it is more in line with your son's capabilities. Plus, construction jobs isn't all manual labor. They need people to drive the trucks in quarries, or operate the back hoes, or cranes, or those giant claw thingies. There are plenty of skilled trades out there that your son may be proficient with if he gives it a shot. But you need to find something that your child can do for a living, that is attainable given his skill set.

If you and your son agree that he could get a college degree, then OK, it's worth trying again. But something needs to change before he goes back because his current college methodology isn't working. That may mean he needs to learn studying skills, or organizational skills, or planning skills, or something. But whatever needs to be changed, make sure you make that change happen before he tries college again. Otherwise it is just wasted time and effort.

But all that to say, talk with your son, and rather then judging him and saying, "Your not working hard enough, why did you quit your job, you need to go back." Or, "Why don't you just take a college class in Japanese, it's only one class. Common, your not doing anything else". I would approach it as saying, "Look, you are going to need to be self sufficient eventually. And I want to help you get there. I am not going to try and force you to attend college if you think that wont work. And I am not going to try and force you to work at a dead end job for the rest of your life. But we need to do something because your not making any progress, and just because the two options you have tried thus far failed, doesn't mean you don't have any options. I am willing to help you find options that will work for you, and allow you to get a good job worth doing that pays enough for you to take care of yourself. But I can't do it for you, and I need you to be a part of this process."

And from there, start looking for good career options.

Yes my son needs some parameters for staying at our house. And no I do not really want to turf him out of the house. The good news in all this mess is that he did successfully hold a job for a year. At what cost to him I am not certain but I am guessing there was stuff piling up for him and he finally said, 'enough' and quit.

I have an appointment next week with a local therapist who specializes in 'special needs' children, i.e. those who are in the ASD category. She told me up front on the phone that age 18 and up is a 'tough period' until they get their feet underneath them.

I am hoping she can help me come up with some strategies for Mr. Hikikomori.

I know he has to come to terms with who he is and how his mind works. I know I was quite relieved to learn of Aspergers myself, as in, so that's what has been going on with me for all these years....He does not feel that way.

Thanks for all the feedback, it is very much appreciated.

he sounds sort of like me, I have bad intentions for not taking my antidepressants though..I'm stuck as a dish washer at my job..maybe he felt like the job wasn't going anywhere and it just made him feel more pathetic? I'm on my seccond attempt at college and I'm going to put everything I can into it. One thing is bothering me though, I only want to draw or do any kind of work when I'm stimulated...I've been like this ever since I was prescribed adderal...does this show I need it or that I'm addicted to it...I seriously can't sit and draw anything when I'm not tweaking. (sorry for trying to take over your thread, I want help too.)

If he were to try college again, it sounds like he really need to find a college with a group or club that specializes in his interests, possibly with other people in the ASD range. I found that myself and it helped alot.

Jobs with social interaction are extremely difficult, more so if you encounter hostility, unsure social situations, etc.

One thing about traditional college that always intimidated me was actually the cost and the debt. That's why I never even completed a semester.

However my mom kept looking and we agreed on a Trade School in Broadcast Television. It was cheaper and it was very hands-on learning and the program was just under a year so it didn't have a huge time commitment.

It took me a while to find work afterward but eventually I found work as a Master Control Room operator and ran a TV station control room for about 10 years.

I'll just emphasize from my own feeling that lots of people look at the standard college route with a lot of suspicion and doubt. Consider other things. Maybe even adult ed vocational classes. A career center near me offer Welding classes and I took one for just $135. There maybe some very cost effective ways to help your son find his aptitude.

Thanks for all the postings.

Tracker you got only one thing wrong, which is, my son did not get an "A" for attendance, he got an "A" for astronomy, which he deemed easy. I believe he got depressed during his semester at college because no one was talking to him, so he gave up on doing the work for the rest of the classes.

I am very aware that there are more than a few colleges in the USA that now make accommodations for ASD people. Such as letting you have a single dorm room, not insisting on a full course load, assigning a buddy, and setting up a study plan for the student. Blah, blah, blah. Moot point if you kid doesn't want to go back.

I do like your suggestions about other jobs, that maybe more manageable for him. Do I see him doing a low income, low job skills job for the rest of his life? Hell no.

I still think he could manage college if he got his head wrapped around the social skills necessary to survive in a NT world. And he had a college that would help him with the executive planning, and gave him his own room in a quiet dorm. Plus something to help him with writing assignments, writing is torture for him, he writes very well but it takes him forever and a day. However, he really has to want this to get it done and if he doesn't want it bad enough, it is not going to happen. Ever. I get that.

You need grit and a fire in your belly to get by in this world, double that if you don't fit into the NT world.....

Plans to go re-read "Be Different" by John Robison.

Thanks again to all who have posted their response.

Have you ever considered he might have dysgraphia and that's why he didn't stick with schoolwork? It is a condition where writing (and similar actions - stacking dishwashers?) are painful. Not being ABLE to write as fast as others in school might have been somethign that made him stand out, and thus attract unwanted types of attention (from both students and teachers)

It may be something he mentioned to teachers and was told "suck it up" - often enough that he hides it from the world and/or considers it something everyone else "just deals with", making him feel like he's unable to "deal with" things as well as the average person. Depressing thought isn't it?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysgraphia

Last edited by OddFiction on 22 Aug 2011, 2:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.