After all this, you've got to be joking!

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OK - So, as those of you who have shared my journey with DS know, he is now homeschooling. All meltdowns have ended, family harmony has returned and both DS and I are off medications. When he was in school, he was medicated, violent and in danger. He would run from school into traffic, broke windows and was frequently restrained. We had no luck finding thr right type of school for him, and things just got worse and worse until he was breaking down so badly he was hallucinating.

I brought him home and its all better. All of it. Gone. Meds gone. Meltdowns gone. Hallucinations gone.

Now he wants to go back to school.

I have such PTSD that I tremble at the idea. I feel for him though. He's lonely. At school there are other kids whether they like it or not. He's stuck at home. There are no friends to play with (he was such a mess, no one who lives by us will even talk to him.)

We don't live in an area where there is much offered to do for fun. I'm thinking that I can say he needs to get up every morning on a schedule and do schoolwork on schedule and maybe take a class out in the world. Once he can do those things, I'll consider it.

Am I crazy, should I just let him go, or should we focus on fixing the lonliness? And really, if he wants to go back to school, he's gonna have to learn how to get up in the morning again.

I neglected to say - I think fixing the lonliness is the answer, I'm just not sure I can do it.

Do I let him go back when asking, or should I push him to deal with some of the smaller stresses before considering it?

I'm confused. Is there a reason you can't join a social group for homeschoolers?

I second the idea of finding a homeschoolers group. You can probably find one through google or the newspaper. When my daughter was homeschooled our local group was wonderful. Many of the kids were on the spectrum and for the first time she actually played with other children. Even though she's back in school I'm thinking of finding a homeschoolers group in the summer for park days.

How old is your DS? Is he into sports, music, or art?

I'm thinking boy scouts, soccer, swim team, community choir/band, drawing classes, church youth group...

You could also connect with parents of other AS kids through a local support group, and start a group for the kids to socialize with each other. I've heard of video game nights and lego clubs being pretty popular.

I was thinking of something along these lines, too. Is there any group/club he can join?

Sorry, I must not have been very clear. There are are multitude of reasons that the typical social stuff has not worked for DS. Our area has limited resources, is pretty closed minded and judgmental with zero as resources. He is very overweight due to the meds and he hates any sports or movement. He rejects boy scouts. That's about it here.

Ds is 12, the homeschool groups activities are for younger kids which my son won't tolerate. He's not looking for park days. They are also very religious, we are pretty anti super religious, it would make us uncomfortable.

I hear that you all agree with me - try to fix the loneliness. I wasn't looking for ideas there unless you are familiar with our actual area. I'm working on that one, really.

I am looking for feedback about if I can't fix the loneliness, do I send him back to school, or do we try some step up stress activities first?

Step up stress activites and building up coping skills for preparation does sound better than just put him back quickly. Could it have been the meds that made the school bad for him and now that he's off he feels he can handle it?

Do you have any activities to prepare him for the transition?

Does he have understanding of how to respond to certain things like bullying or someone playing a prank?

I'd say teach him how to cope first. If he does it, the reward is to go back to school. It will make him feel accomplished.

If he is overweight he needs exercise. Does he like to go for hikes in wooded areas? Does he like to collect stuff off of the ground? It doesn't have to be a wooded area either. Rock hunting expedition? Exploration of new uncharted territories? See how phrasing things can make just simple walking turn into an adventure?

That is how I got my cousin into taking walks with me.

Notice the kitties all walking in my avatar? They are on a mouse hunting adventure.

Thanks theygomew

I think you would like our Rascal - he goes with us when we walk the dog. He follows us really far, stopping to climb trees. He is the best cat ever.

We try to get DS moving as best we can. We have a trampoline, we take him looking for the beavers in the creek, or to feed the horses. It's just hard for him since he's heavy. Imagind doing your activities carrying a 50 lb bag of cat food, you get tired fast.

The meds may have made things worse, maybe not. We had a talk tonight about getting up at regular times and doing assignments when assigned, he said he'll do it. I said I would never allow him to be in schools like he was in before. There will be no restraints or token economies, either he can manage (maybe even part time) or he stays home. He will never go through that again, nor will I.

There is a private school for aspires about 40 minutes away I will start to look into. Now that he's all calm and stable, maybe he will qualify. (he wouldn't when he was melting down daily).

Earlier this year I was in a school meeting where they suggested it would be good for my son to get pushed out of his comfort zone. My reaction was along the "you've got to be kidding" lines. After all, everything we'd been doing, and that had been so key to his success, had been about getting him IN that comfort zone.

But when we have our kids in their comfort zones, something else happens: they learn, mature, take on skills, and grow up. Which eventually means they will be ready to leave those comfort zones and be successful in difficult environments.

So I let the school push my son, and its been fine.

And someday you can allow your son to step back out, and it will be OK.

I'm not saying that is today. You've done so great with him being on the road you are on, and making a change will be terrifying. Just be careful to not let the fear be the thing that holds you back; each time, stop and take a look at who he is NOW.

What about Scouts? One of my boys did scouts for a few months but didn't care for it. I always wanted to do girl scouts when I was a kid, but my mother wouldn't let me.

What about activities at your church or place of worship if you go to one?

Possibly something in the community like little league baseball, which should be starting in a few months? My oldest played little leage baseball for years and years, every single year he did it. He's NT but he has my Aspie coordination, and as bad as it sounds he was a horrible player, but the coaches were good and it was about having fun not winning the game. His complete lack of sports skills made him hitting the ball or scoring a happier event than it normally would have been. My younger son played too until one year when he got my husband's football buddy's Dad as a coach and that guy was one of those in your face win win win drill instructor types. In fact, he's in the military. My son quit after that.

Do you know any other moms of kids your sons age around there? They might know of things that he can join. If you do decide to go the baseball route, take him to the batting cages now, before sign up and practices start. He can meet other boys there and make friends to hang out with.

Thanks olive oil mom. He is a no on our local options. Really. Frankly, he would be willing to join little league but is 50 lbs overweight and by his age group, it is very competitive. It's not the "fun" kid sport, it is fairly vicious. He has zero self esteem, I wont sign on for a sure crushing defeat.

Honestly, unless someone is familiar with the 1/2 hour radius of our community, I'm not looking for ideas about what possible activities may be good in your communities. He is 12 and has his own mind about what he wants to do.

All of that said, I'm going to make him pick something and show up on time and participate as school prep. If he won't do that, I'm not going to consider school. He will have a choice of bowling, archery, chess, scouts, cooking class or taking one class at the home school charter site he goes to.

I'm sorry you are going through that. I live in a very, very tiny community too, with extremely limited options. Most of the kids who are homeschooled here are homeschooled for very different reasons than you are doing it. Most do it because they can't control their kids, and these are middle and high school kids. Actually, I know two parents who do that and do the work for their kids! NOT doing any favors for them there, I don't think! You are doing it for good reasons. I know when we lived in the city that many women homeschooled for religious reasons and they had homeschool groups for their kids, but they were kind of a closed society and only wanted those with the same philosophy there.

Have you thought about a Montisorri school? Do you have them there? We considered it for our oldest but the price was out of the question. We had a friend who sent her son there for a discount price, but she worked there for no pay to help pay that off.

I hope you find him something. Lonliness is terrible when you are a kid. I didn't have friends until early teen years, but they saved my life and actually taught me, in explicit terms, how to socially interact. They explained it to me step by step and stood by me even when I messed up, and they told me what I had done wrong and how to not do that again.

How is the academic part of home schooling going for him? If it's harder, as I've found online classes to be harder then being in class myself, could he be thinking it's loneliness and it's really worry over the studies?

I was wondering this myself.

Also, if he feels like an outcast, this could be negatively affecting his development. I know how bad it was when I was being bullied.

It could be that instead of letting him fail, we keep looking for ways to study that appeal to him. See my post here for some of thE projects we have come up with: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt182499.html

If he just doesn't want to study at all, this is a pain as we do require that he do some school Its nowhere near what dribble (worksheets and busywork) the kids have to do in school i really think its the social isolation and the fact that he doesn't fit with the NT kids in our area.

Bad wasn't a little bad, it was like being in a constant state of meltdown or trying to avoid meltdown for two years straight. I'm just starting to see my son emerge after that hell and I'm pretty reluctant to go back to it. I think that it was so bad, he would have ended up dead or institutionalized, which I think would have ended badly. Perhaps it sounds melodramatic, but it was that bad.