Help! Moms of adolescent daughters...

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My daughter has high functioning autism/Asperger's and just turned 11 a couple weeks ago. Last October she started having menses. She is really difficult to deal with when it comes to hygiene. She never wants to bathe, she doesn't want to brush her teeth because she hates the taste of toothpaste, and even brushing her hair in the morning leads to meltdowns more often than not. In fact, I don't even think she really wipes when she goes to the bathroom because her underwear is usually not very clean even when she's not on a period. This is despite me reasoning, begging, pleading, cajoling, forcing, angrily threatening and even punishing, etc. trying to get her to do it herself. She's too big anymore for me to do it for her, especially now that she's older and more modest. (Not that I really did it for her anyway since she was quite small but you know what I mean.)

However now I'm facing an even bigger problem. She refuses to wear pads in her underwear during periods. She is ruining all of her underwear past the point of me even bothering trying to wash them because they are totally soaked. It's even getting on her pants and I'm afraid she's going to ruin those too. Clothes are not cheap! When I point this out to her she just shrugs her shoulders and says "Oh well". She has NO concept of responsibility for her own actions or the fact that it costs money to maintain and wash clothing. I even tried making her rinse them out in the sink so she could see how hard it was to remove blood stains and all it led to was a meltdown and a lot of water all over the bathroom walls.

I have shown her how to place the pads. I have made her and watched her do it herself. I have warned her that it is unacceptable behavior to go without pads. I have a box of small-sized pads for teens right on the back of her toilet. I even have wet wipes on the bathroom sink for her to make it easier to wipe. Problem is, she never tells me when she's on her period and she's young enough that I think her cycle hasn't quite gotten totally regular.

So...I go to do laundry tonight and what do I find? About 4 or 5 more pairs of ruined underwear and at least one (essentially) ruined pair of pants. I am at my wit's end! I work full time as a nurse, 12 hour shifts, and so 3 days per week I basically don't see her all day. I can't keep on top of her every second. Nothing I have done is working.


Help!! !! !

Thanks in advance,

Laura

And before you ask...she is no longer on any meds because I felt like they didn't really help all that much, and the psychiatrist I used to take her to really wasn't doing anything for her but handing me scripts so I stopped going. I don't have any current counselors other than the people that help at her school. She's in a self-contained autism class at a public school. They try to help out but they haven't gotten any farther with her than I have. My city really has very little support for autistic kids, and what they do have is usually at inconvenient times/days for me due to my work schedule. That's why I'm posting on *here*.

Is there a sensory issue with the pads? I used to work with one woman with DD who wouldn't wear pads so we tried her with adult disposable undies. That worked beautifully.

I don't know why she doesn't want to wear pads, but have you offered tampons instead? I hate, hate, hate tampons, but both of my daughters have always used them and really hate to use my pads if they are out. They both started at about 11 or 12 and they always used tampons. The ones they get are the Kotex ones in the black box that are small and in different colored wrappers.

As for the other hygeine issues, I would handle them the same way I would with a boy. My boys both went through stages where they didn't shower or brush their teeth or wash anything. I used to tell them that they couldn't watch tv or have dessert or snack etc until after they showered.

One of the problems I had as a child was growing up in a not so clean family. I'd be given a bath or be made to take a bath about twice a month. Yeah. It really hurt any socializing I wanted to do. To this day I still HATE to shower, but it's something I have to do and just get it over with. I'm probably the worlds quickest bather, but I do get clean.

She doesn't get a rash from the wet panties on her all day? I know that if I wear a pad too long and it's wet, I'll get a rash from it. Are you buying deoderant pads? Because they can cause rashes too.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

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Tampons were my first thought as well. I recall seeing some social stories about bathing (callista had a particularly good one on her blog) perhaps you could find or write one about menses?

I have a tip for you on the clothing. Blood really shouldn't ruin clothing. I've found that even dried blood will come out if soaked overnight in cold water. (Cold is key, because hot water sets blood.) Wouldn't hurt to spray something like spay n wash afterward, then wash, ideally in cold.

I don't see anything wrong with the mom explaining to the daughter "It's just nasty to not use something" and making her do it. Along with wiping her butt and showering. I see no way in which forcing her to use pads or shower would be abuse. Actually, DHR would consider not making her wipe her butt or shower to be neglect. So, I'd put my foot down if I were you. Take away whatever you have to, including meals,, if she doesn't shower first. As for meals, I'm not saying starve your child. I'm saying make a rule that you have to do this before you have that.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

I'd also suggest trying other things; she may have a sensory issue with the pads and toilet paper. I know it took me forever to find a brand that didn't make me break out in a rash (PS. if you go with a cup, make sure she's not intolerant of latex or get a silicone one) Try flushable wipes for cleanliness, and let her know there are all kinds of options to deal with menses:

Tampons
Cup
Liners that stick
Liners with a belt
Cotton liners
Disposable underwear

Glad rags has many of these supplies: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=bl_sr_hpc?_ ... 1327104618

Maybe just set her up with the cotton liners 100% of the time, so it's not an executive function issue. Put her underwear in her drawer with them already snapped in.

Both my daughters (14 year old AS and 11 year old ADHD but not AS, both now getting their periods) had sensory issues with most pads, so I bought some very thin but absorbent ones (they make those...didn't have 'em when I was young....I also had terrible sensory issues with pads (and tampons too)...the reason I used them anyway was because the sensory issues with wet underwear and smells were worse for me...now I've had a hysterectomy and thankfully don't have to deal with it anymore ) and both girls tolerate those a lot better than the 'regular' ones. They're only like a millimeter or two thick but made of some hyper-absorbent material. My older daughter has asked me to get her tampons, and I will be doing that as well. They both also hate showering, but they don't get to get on the computer until they shower and do their homework, and they grudgingly comply in order to be allowed to get on YouTube, Facebook or whatever.

Katherine

First, don't allow your daughter's behavior to upset you so much because it's waste of energy.
Getting upset, yelling, and losing your temper likely is not going to get you anywhere.

If she is not going to wear any feminine products then at the very least she needs to wear some dark colored sweatpants or something similar during her period, as to not ruin her clothes.

I would work with her though to see if there are any absorbent products she can tolerate. You also have to be aware though that your daughter might struggle with transition issues and a strong degree of apathy about this issue, and if that is the case, her hygiene is likely only going to improve with maturity.

Concerning the tooth brushing, work with her to try to find a toothpaste she can tolerate. Most mint toothpastes might burn too much, however there are a variety of different toothpastes on the market now days. If she cannot find a suitable toothpaste, at the very least she should brush with water, floss, and rinse with a mouthwash.

We struggle with hygiene and hair brushing mostly. Lack of interest and want to participate are major issues for my daughter. Plus, hair brushing for her is painful, no matter who does it. What does work is a compromise. I don't push hygiene unless it's obvious shes dirty, like she smells, or we are planning to go out in public. This means she doesn't bath regularly, change her clothes often, or anything hygienic for several days at a time. I really hate it, but she gets her way, since shes homeschool it's not important that she be presentable all the time. Huge weight off the stress meter for her, and less melt downs for all of us to enjoy. The compromise on her half is that when it's time to wash, change clothes or brush hair, she must accomplish said task in a reasonable amount of time. The alternative, as she knows, is to go back to me fighting every day and stressing her out. Also, we reenforce the right behaviors with rewards.

On a side note, the whole wiping thing isn't as unheard of as people might think. When my daughter goes to the bathroom it is usually an inconvenient time, such as when she's in the middle of a video on YouTube or a particularly difficult drawing. Her mind is completely elsewhere as she pees. She's even left the bathroom without flushing (which is how I know about the no wiping as there is no paper in the stool). A reminder will bring her back to earth and usually work for a few days.

Also, blood in clothes can be removed with a variety of different options.
1. Try baking soda with ice water over night. Use the Ice to agitate the baking soda around or just sprinkle directly to the area before soaking in cold water.
2. A can of Coke in a quart of cold water soaked for an hour and dumped into the washer with regular detergent can help to get set in or several day old blood stains.
3. Continuous bleaching can damage clothes so only use occasionally when needed.
4. Application of liquid detergent directly to bloody area within a few hours is all that's needed, if you catch it in time.

I'd suggest getting rid of all her panties or store them. Purchase adult disposable underwear and tell her she can use panties again when she is willing to use a pad, liner or tampon. Until that time, consider protecting her bed with plastic. Also, enlist the other parent/guardian to help while you are at work. Keep track of her bathroom routine and keep a calendar of her menses for yourself. You can also talk to her doctor about the birth control option to help regulate it if her periods are too irregular. While I don't know how safe it is, there is a birth control pill that stops periods from happening except 4 times a year. Check out the options.

Jen

I'd be afraid to offer her tampons or a cup, she may forget to take it out in a timely manner. I would switch her to all dark colored underwear and pants so you don't have to deal with the stains.

If she's too lazy to get a pad or if for some reason she has an aversion to putting them in the trash because she doesn't want people to know she's on her period or some unexplainable reason she could at least use a wad of toilet paper or tissues as a liner, much better than nothing and it's flushable.

I think the key is to figure out the "why" always. It sounds like she may really dislike the horrible paper products that almost everyone uses. I can't say I blame her. My daughter and I both feel the same way. Who every thought wiping yourself with a handful of wadded paper or walking around with something that feels like a diaper in your underwear was a good idea, anyway?!?!?!

Maybe she'd prefer the cloth products that are becoming more popular because of the green living movement? We love theParty In My Pants pads mainly because they can adjust down to a size that fits even my very petite daughter. For an extra 25c they'll add a second snap that makes them thinner. There are a LOT of brands out there though. Most NTs seem to like the flanel pads best, but every ASD I know that uses them likes the cotton best (myself included). They feel just like a thicker cloth crotch to your underwear, come in lots of cute patterns, and you can just throw them in the washing machine. She wouldn't have anything to throw away at school, because she'd just fold up the used pad and slip it into a cute cloth bag she could put in her purse/bag/pocket. A single pad costs about as much as a box of the paper ones, but lasts soooo long it actually costs you like 1/3 as much in the long run. I can't say enough great things about cloth pads. It would be torture to go back to those nasty paper things! lol

Thanks for your replies. I did buy her the smaller "teen" sized pads, which are also very thin, so I don't know if it's a sensory issue as much as it's a "I don't want to deal with this" issue. She melts down anytime I try to bring up anything having to do with adolescence, growing up, having to wear bras, etc. Her chest area is expanding rapidly (genetically cursed with that one) and I feel like it's not only just a matter of looking nice, but she's about to go into middle school and I don't want boys ogling her and possibly abusing her because she's walking around bouncing all over the place with nips showing. We all know how boys can be...argh.

I am throwing out all her severely blood stained underwear. I would be spending more money on all the detergents, water, time, and effort trying to clean them. Not worth it. I did tell her I would not buy any more underwear if she ruined them all, and told her she'd have to wear the "adult diapers" until she could learn how to properly care for her hygiene.

Now...about tampons. If I can't even get her to take a piece of paper off of a sticky pad and put it in her underwear, there is no way in Hades I'm gonna hand her a tube of cotton and tell her to stick it in a hole she may not even know exists at this point. I'm certainly not going to demonstrate or do it for her. Talk about a meltdown situation...holy crap. I just know she would never do that. Judging from personal experience...tampons are actually less comfortable than pads. I could always feel them and it would drive me nuts. Plus she needs to know to remove them promptly or the risk of toxic shock syndrome is a factor. She's not mature enough for that. She's only 11. I don't think I started using them until I was in high school.

A couple comments on the "anger". Well, yes...I think I have the right to feel angry when a perfectly capable and intelligent kid is just ignoring my requests for her to do one simple little thing to keep her clothing clean month after month after month, and then just brushes me off when I tell her repeatedly why, and just doesn't seem to care. I'm trying to instill in her the concept of being responsible for her actions, and that just because she didn't spend her own money buying the clothes doesn't mean that it doesn't have an impact on our finances. There are several lessons going on here, none of which she cares to learn. It's like talking to a brick wall. If I ask her why she can't or won't do it, all I get is "I don't know!" or "I don't want to talk about it!" or "Stop bugging me!". That's it. I can't have a rational conversation with her. If I could, I probably wouldn't be a member of this website . I am not "abusing" her. I really hate that word being thrown around like it's nothing. Raising one's voice or having your kid do something they might not want to do (such as rinsing out her underwear in the sink) does not constitute abuse. If I'd said I was beating her with a brush or whipping her with a belt or locking her in a closet...then you'd have reason to question my methods, ya know?

Sorry bout that (puts soapbox away)

Okay...regarding tooth brushing, I have let her try whatever flavor of toothpaste she wants. I take her to the drug or grocery and let her choose which one she wants. I have had bubblegum, watermelon, mint, and strawberry, to my recollection. No matter what, she just says she hates the taste and won't use it.

I will check out the links for the cotton/cloth products. Might be an easier solution. Anyway, I'll just keep working on it. I guess there's never an easy answer, is there?

Does she have any female role models other than you that could help?

My mother wasn't great about teaching me hygiene issues, but I was able to get advise from either her friends or the mothers of my friends when I really needed it.

At this age, just the fact that you are her mother may cause her to be objectionable, rebellious, and generally disinterested in anything you say. The same advice from a not-her-mother person might be taken better.

Also, you may want to mention to the school nurse or social worker that this is an issue you are working on. For one thing then school social worker (hopefully) has been trained to deal with these sorts of things. For another, if a child goes to school stinking with menses on their pants staff may be wondering if they need to call protective services. It's better to recruit them as your allies than wait for that awkward call from the school. Finally, kids can be very cruel. Her behavior will make her the target of bullies, and most schools have some type of anti-bullying policy.

When first I got my period, I also hated wearing pads. They were so bulky and thick and uncomfortable, like an alien creature in my underwear. I think that you will just have to make her wear them, and hopefully the thinner ones are going to work out for her. I just couldn't how horrible and tedious was this thing that came around once a month when it first started and how gross it was and how it made me feel sick and how I wished that I didn't have it. I felt immobile wearing pads and having periods, like I couldn't even walk across the room. After an adjustment period of a few months during the summer before 8th grade, I was mostly OK with periods.